April 2017




The Most Important Conversation for Your Relationship

By: Lori Ann Davis

Communication can be one of the most effective ways to create and keep a strong, healthy relationship.

Talking is important in keeping us aware of our partners' needs, discussing life changes, working out problems, and negotiating and settling disagreements. If done the right way, communication is healthy and beneficial to the relationship; however, there are times when it can become harmful. Negative communication not only makes a relationship difficult, but also can be the catalyst to the end of a partnership. This is one of the top reasons marriages deteriorate and couples seek counseling. We need to feel heard and understood; otherwise, we do not feel loved.

Conversation with yourself

There are going to be times when you need to resolve conflicts or discuss issues, and it is important to learn how to do this successfully. Before you start a conversation with your partner, I want you to have a conversation with yourself. This really is the most important conversation you can have for your relationship.

Before giving your emotions a voice, let them calm down a few notches. You are not thinking clearly when you are upset. Do something to calm down and give yourself time before acting. When we communicate out of anger, we are more likely to say the wrong thing or say something we regret. Our partners go into defensive mode when talked to out of anger, and their brains do not think logically.

Consider the why

It is time to consider why you are frustrated or angry. I find frequently that the catalyst for my anger is not really what the true issue is all about. I need some space and time to think about what is truly bothering me. I might think I am upset because my partner did or did not do something, but really I am feeling neglected or unloved, and that is the underlying issue that I need to address. Now once I understand that, I may or may not need to address it with him. Sometimes what is below the surface can involve issues of trust, love, respect, loyalty, etc. Also, once you calm down, you might decide the issue really is not that big of a deal. You might be having a bad day, or you might be hungry or tired. Whatever the reason, sometimes once you are calmer, you may decide the conversation isn’t necessary; however, don't let things build up and get out of control. If it is a discussion you need to have because you aren’t happy, then make time for it. Remember to choose your battles. You want most of your time together to be positive.

Now for the conversation

Before you start your discussion, remember that the other person is not you. They may not even understand why you are upset. They do not have the same life experiences you do. They may not have the same expectations either. How you approach your partner with issues becomes very important. Before you get angry that your partner does not understand you or see the issue the same way you do, stop for a minute and try to find out if you are on the same page. You may need to explain a little more about why you are upset.

Communication can be a challenge in relationships. Couples talk but do not always communicate effectively with each other. Our positive interactions must outweigh the negative ones; otherwise, one or both partners will begin to avoid conversations and ultimately avoid the relationship.

Remember, start by having a conversation with yourself. Get clear about what you really are upset about and what you need to communicate to your partner. The real issue may not be what you originally thought it was. Then decide if the conversation is needed. If it is, make sure you are clear in your communication with your partner and keep the conversation as positive as you can. Keep the focus on expressing your feelings and needs appropriately.

This information was taken from my book, Unmasking Secrets to Unstoppable Relationships: How to Find,Keep and Renew Love and Passion in Your Life. You can find more information there about how to resolve conflict in your relationship.

Copyright © 2017 by Lori Ann Davis MA, CRS and the Relationship Coaching Institute. All rights reserved in all media. Used with permission.

Lori Ann Davis MA, CRS, empowers singles and couples to live richer, fuller, happier lives by helping them create unstoppable relationships. Lori is a Certified Relationship Specialist with over 25 years experience.

For more information visit: www.lorianndavis.com

Ask Our Coaches

We like separate vacations. Is that bad for our marriage?

Dear Coaches,

My wife and I have very different ideas of what we like to do for vacation so years ago we started taking separate vacations. I like the outdoors and camping, she likes to go somewhere to be pampered. Our parents hate this and say we're looking for trouble in the long run and say we should compromise and do things together. Should we listen to them? They constantly criticize us and make us wonder if we're jeopardizing our marriage.

Wendy Lyon


Congratulations on finding a way to get both of your needs met by both doing the things you love on your separate vacations! Your parents are coming from a fear-based assumption that if you vacation apart, you will grow apart or worse, you'll find other romantic partners and possibly get divorced. However, if you have a strong foundation of love and trust, and you stay connected with each other, the separate vacations can work. In fact, compromising and going on a vacation that neither one of you likes is a bad idea.

Perhaps, in addition to your separate vacations, the two of you could add a shared vacation once in a while. There are many eco-resorts where you could hike in the jungle, she could get a massage, you could share breakfast and dinner together and sit in a hot tub together at the end of the day. Or you can stay in a cabin in the woods with a spa nearby. Sound good? The important thing is that you make your marriage a priority... and you get to have your vacations however you want them!

If you find you are facing challenges in your relationship, don't hesitate to contact a relationship coach who can help you create an even juicier and more joyful marriage (with or without separate vacations).

Wendy Lyon | www.drwendylyon.com

The opinions stated are those of the authors and not necessarily those of the staff, members, or leadership of Relationship Coaching Institute.

This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your question here and it will be forwarded to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.


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