November 2016
Conscious Dating Singles News - November 2016



Finding Love Starts with Loving Yourself

By: Laura Menze

Nothing screams "I'm all alone" like the holidays and Valentine's Day however, being alone during these annual occasions doesn't have to feel lonely. As human beings, we all long for love and connection. Our culture has made these particular days of the year to mean love & connection with our family and friends and/or a significant other and, for those of us who don't have family around (or a significant other in our lives), we feel left out, and alone, unloved and unconnected.

Being alone doesn't have to feel lonely. It is possible to be okay with being on your own while others are gathering. How is this possible? It all starts with your relationship with yourself.

While you think it might be easier to look outside of yourself to find love, it all starts with you loving yourself the way you are. After all, if you don't love yourself, it is awfully audacious to expect someone else to love you just the way you are. I mean, would you marry you? If you would, that's fantastic! For the rest of you out there, if you don't love yourself just the way you are, perhaps it's time to change some of the things you don't like about yourself? Perhaps it is time to become the confident single (and potentially coupled) you've always wanted to be!

Believe it or not, finding love (the healthy kind) starts with loving yourself. If you need help doing this, it is important to find a safe place to help you to discover what you DO love about yourself and what you want to change while also receiving the guidance and support you need to make some of those changes in your life. After all, you have about 40 +/- years of programming in your subconscious that you are attempting to re-program. This typically doesn't happen overnight. This happens over months or years with repetitive, conscious conviction and commitment to the new person you are becoming. While making changes to your life can be done on your own, it often takes many, many years because you are living your normal life and incorporating small, infrequent changes as you go along. However, working with someone who has not only ‘been there and done that', but can guide, support, and keep you focused on your goals in loving you and your life makes you achieve those goals so much faster than you ever could on your own.

Once you are at a place where you are confident in yourself, love who you are, and love the life you've created for yourself, you will begin to attract similar people into your life, and you will be ready to receive those potentially healthy relationships in your life however, there is likely some Lovework to be done.

While you're working on becoming this confident, loving person, it is also important to gain some knowledge and skills around navigating potential love relationships. It all starts with knowing what you want. Do you know your Requirements, Needs, and Wants in a relationship? Do you know the difference between them? Do you know how to quickly sort through and weed out the people who don't fit them so that you are not going on some lengthy detour with a person you probably shouldn't have been with in the first place?

Soon, the holidays will be gone however, Valentine's Day is coming. With the new year approaching, maybe it is time to make some changes that will significantly improve your love life so that you aren't alone this Valentine's Day or, if you are, you will be just fine with it!

Copyright © 2016 by Laura Menze and The Relationship Coaching Institute. All rights reserved in all media. Used with permission.

Laura Menze, is the Chief Love Officer at Ready-Match offering a unique and authentic approach to dating and matchmaking for singles in the Denver, Colorado area. By vetting clients for their Relationship Readiness, offering a Relationship Readiness Boot Camp & Personal Coaching that ultimately teaches Self-Matching, as well as offering Tru-Match Matchmaking, and Relationship Building services for new couples, Ready-Match truly supports its clients throughout all stages of getting ready for, finding, and establishing an amazing relationship! For more information click here www.ready-match.com

Ask Our Coaches

How do I stop being jealous?

Dear Coaches,

I have a problem. My girlfriend and I have something special but I'm very jealous and I'm afraid that I'm going to lose her because when I get jealous I become mad and hard to talk to.

Wendy Lyon

Wendy responds ...

Jealousy often occurs when we feel threatened, unsafe or uncertain. I recommend that you start with gaining clarity about your relationship. Have you and your girlfriend discussed what type of relationship you want? Are you both committed to being exclusive and monogamous? If you knew that you could trust each other completely, would you still feel jealous?

Another important thing to consider are your behaviors. Are either of you putting out inappropriate signals to others? When you are in a committed, exclusive, monogamous relationship, it's important to honor that relationship. That means that you don't have leaky sexual energy towards others. Yes, you can both be friendly and warm to others without being available or interested in sexual flirtation with them.

So, next time you get mad and hard to talk to, stop, breathe and ask yourself what's going on. Is there any reason not to trust your girlfriend? What's most important is that you learn to trust yourself, understand your emotions and communicate with clarity and honesty. If you are feeling uncomfortable, you can say so. Don't judge or blame, just share how you are feeling and ask for what you need. For instance, "When I saw you with that guy, I felt jealous and upset. My stomach hurt. I need to trust that you are with me and not interested in dating him. I’d like to stop being jealous. I'd like you to remind me that we have something special and we have chosen to be together. Thanks!"

I also recommend that you get the support of a relationship expert to help you understand and express yourself with clarity, compassion and authenticity – and without judgment, blame or anger.

You deserve the love you want and I'd be happy to help you on your journey!

Wendy Lyon | http://www.DrWendyLyon.com

Gina Daniels

Gina responds ...

Jealousy can be a real problem in a relationship, and often brings on the very thing the person is afraid of - losing their partner. Jealousy is a form of control that can leave your partner feeling suffocated.

It is important to take a deep look within yourself to see what triggers the jealousy for you. Do you feel inferior to other males? Do you suffer from low self esteem? Do you feel the need to control your partner? If you suffer from any of these issues it is time to work with a coach to build your confidence. Your current and any future relationships depends on it. Also consider reading books on this on building your self confidence. You may also want to work on your communication skills as shutting your girlfriend out is not the solution. Communication is key to working out any relationship challenges that one may have.

Gina Daniels | 905-873-4463

Denise Wade, PhD.

Denise responds ...

Jealousy has a negative connotation to it. Our society tends to judge jealousy. Jealousy serves an important purpose. It heightens our awareness that one of our greatest human needs, emotional security, is being threatened.

A third party threatening our most treasured relationship stems from the emotion of fear; fear of losing a valued attachment figure critical to our emotional survival. This fear of being replaced is natural and normal in individuals who have an unconscious fear of being abandoned.

A person who fears abandonment may control who their partner can spend time with and who they can't. The partner comes to represent something greater than a romantic partner; he or she represents a parent figure that may have broken the attachment physically or emotionally in the formative years willingly or through no fault of their own.

Define exactly what helps you feel secure and prioritized by your partner without judging yourself. Ask whether your current partner is compassionate about this fear and willing to meet this need, by your definition, not hers. If no, you may be with the wrong partner. If yes, give yourself permission to express fear to your girlfriend, not jealousy.

Denise Wade, PhD.| http://http://www.sweetharmony.net

The opinions stated are those of the authors and not necessarily those of the staff, members, or leadership of Relationship Coaching Institute.

This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your question here and it will be forwarded to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.


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