May 2016 | |
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FEATURED Article
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Copyright © 2016 by Lori Ann Davis and The Relationship Coaching Institute. All rights reserved in all media. Used with permission.
Lori Ann Davis,MA, CRS empowers singles and couples to live richer, fuller, happier lives by helping them create unstoppable relationships. Lori is a Certified Relationship Specialist with over 25 years experience. For more information and free Radical Marriage resources for couples visit www.lorianndavis.com | |
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My boyfriend has no ambition. Should I stay with him?Dear Coaches,My boyfriend (he's 26) works at a low level job in a retail store. He is happy with his job, even though the pay is terrible and he doesn't get full time hours. I keep encouraging him to look for another job, but he's not interested. I don't know what to do. We have been together for 2 years and I am tired of being the only responsible one in our relationship. Should I stay with him, or break up and look for someone else? ![]() Kemi responds ...Sorry to hear that you are having a hard time. You stated that you are the only responsible one in your relationship. Have you identified your needs to see if they align with your partner's? Are you both heading towards the same direction in life (are your goals aligned) in the years ahead? How do you both complement each other? These are some of the questions you will need to think through to determine if your partner is the one for you. Kemi Sogunle | www.kemionline.com ![]() Lewis responds ...Your answer is contained within your question. You say you are "tired" of being the only responsible one in your relationship. It sounds like a requirement for you is having a partner who has drive to get ahead in his career. If he is happy with his job, he has no impetus to seek a higher paying job. You've told him how you feel and that hasn't motivated him. It is unlikely he will change. Time to move on. In your future dating, pay attention to this requirement earlier in the process. Lewis Denbaum | www.madlyinloveforever.com ![]() Wendy responds ...It seems like you have arrived at an impasse in your relationship. From what you've shared it appears that you are taking responsibility for creating your own success. Your boyfriend does not seem to share your ambition or enthusiasm for growth. If nothing changed, could you see yourself being happy with him in 5 years? Perhaps you would like to start a family in the near future. Could you be content with the way things are? Either your boyfriend is genuinely happy with his low-level, low-paying job or he may believe that he is either not capable or not deserving of something better. Maybe he would like to feel more confident but his fear keeps him stuck, or maybe he's content with coasting where he is. Perhaps you can have a conversation and find out more. Meanwhile, remember, he is his own person and you are only responsible for yourself. It’s time for you to clarify your vision for the future you want, and identify what you need to share with the right partner for you. Don’t settle for less than you really want! Wendy Lyon | www.DrWendyLyon.com ![]() Lynn responds ...It can be very frustrating when people have different values around areas like ambition. It sounds from what you have said like this is a problem for you and you say that you're tired of being the only responsible one. Your suggestions of finding a different job seem to have fallen on deaf ears with your boyfriend because he is content. If you stay together, how do you think it is likely to go? How much energy do you anticipate you'll have to invest in trying to get him to change? How likely is it that he ever will change? In this early "pre-commitment" stage you have the opportunity to see whether or not you two are a good fit in areas that are important to you. Have you ever created a vision of how you want your relationship to be long-term? It sounds like ambition is very important to you. What might your life be like with a partner who shared your approach to ambition? Often we think we can change someone into who we want them to be! Unfortunately this doesn't work for either person. I encourage you to think about how you want your future to be and whether your current boyfriend is a good fit. Good luck in making that decision! Lynn Goodacre | www.lovecoachlynn.com ![]() Linda responds ...It sounds like this is very important to you, in fact more important than it is to your boyfriend. If you're not able to accept his choices, I mean truly accept it and this causes you some angish, then make a decision. You also mention "I am tired of being the only responsible one in our relationship. " Sounds like you equate responsibility to a higher income and more work hours. How else do you define responsibility and is being responsible something important to you? Is he responsible in other ways? After you answer these questions, ask yourself, if you can live with this? I'm not sure if you're living together, I'm guessing that you aren't, so the next comment is with this in mind. If you've been going out with each other for two years, and have talked to him about how his lack of motivation to find a better job and responsibility affect you and what you need around this, I suggest making a decision in favor of what's best for you. The sooner you decide, the better off you'll be and you'll be putting more importance in your needs and requirements. Linda Robert | www.lindagrobert.com The opinions stated are those of the authors and not necessarily those of the staff, members, or leadership of Relationship Coaching Institute. This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your question here and it will be forwarded to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches. Bonus Article
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