IN THIS ISSUE:
3 Brutal Signs You're Absolutely NOT Ready To Start Dating AgainBy: Teena Evert
Someday, maybe... but not yet.
A common problem that single women face is when a long-term relationship ends, and their feelings for their ex continue for months or even longer.
Just because you're single again, doesn't necessarily mean the love or attachment you felt for your ex is gone. You probably still have days when you feel rattled because the person you spent so much time with is now a stranger.
Feeling empty and lost is normal during the post-breakup or post-divorce healing process. One way we try to get over the hurt of a relationship ending is to "get back out there” and find someone new. The desire to date again can feel strong. You may even think you're ready. But, just because you're single doesn't mean you're actually over your ex and ready to date again.
Here are 3 signs that you are so NOT ready to date (and what you can do to heal, grow and repair).
1. You have a victim mentality
It makes you powerless to heal and grow because you're stuck in your hurt (almost addicted to it). You feel robbed of your self-esteem and self worth. You focus endlessly on how wronged you were and only see your ex's fault in why the relationship fell apart.
You'll never find new love until you let go of being the victim and reclaim your personal power. You can begin to do this by forgiving yourself (and your ex) through the process of knowing and believing that you each did the best you could.
Take time to reconnect with yourself and what you value most, so you can attract the relationship that you deserve without compromising who you are at your core.
2. You don't know what you want
Before you start dating again, it's important to identify what it is that you want in your next relationship. A good place to start is by taking an inventory of all your past relationships complaints. Make a list of what you don’t want in a relationship. It's healing to get it out and then use it to springboard into identifying what you do desire.
But, it's critical that you're clear on the positive relationship you do want to have. Otherwise, without clarity, you'll stumble into the exact same relationship dynamic that hurt you in the past.
3. You feel desperate
Of course, no one wants to admit he or she feels desperate, but I'll bet you're having a difficult time detaching from your anxious ache to fall in love again. Wanting love too much actually causes you to repel it.
That desperation causes you to trip yourself up and sabotage your new relationships. Believing that you need someone else's love to feel complete yourself is always a road to drama and conflict. Instead, wait awhile. Heal some more. And then approach finding a new relationship from a place of peace. Understand that yes, being in love would feel wonderful, but you won't die without it.
Look, I understand. Getting over a breakup is hard.
You feel hurt, lonely and that makes you crave affection and validation. But, when you leap into another committed relationship too soon, you run the risk of repeating the same patterns that didn't work for you in your past relationship. So, don't skip taking the time you fully need time to heal and improve your relationship with yourself. Falling in love again is not about finding the right person; it's about becoming the right person.
Devote time to improving your self-esteem, raising your deserving-ness, getting clear about what it is you truly want in your next relationship, and creating a peaceful mindset. Let go of how you expect or demand your love life to work out and start enjoying your time being single.
Copyright © 2016 by Teena Evert and The Relationship Coaching Institute. All rights reserved in all media. Used with permission.
Teena Evert, LMFT, LAC helps high achieving women cut-to-the-chase to find and attract the right man to share their life with and create a relationship that is fun and long lasting, without having to give-in or settling for less than they know they deserve. Teena is a licensed marriage and family therapist, licensed addictions counselor, relationship coach and best selling author. Find out more at www.ignitelovenow.com
Is it too soon to ask him to quit smoking?
I met a man who seemed perfect on our first date. We really clicked and I felt so comfortable with him, which is pretty rare for me. After our second date I found out that he's a smoker and I can't stand to be around cigarettes, so I don't know what to do. Should I ask him to quit smoking? That seems a little bold for a new relationship, but I don't want to lose him and I can't be with a smoker for a permanent relationship. Help, I need advice!
Leah responds ...
I can only imagine how disappointed you must feel after such a positive start--even thinking he might be perfect for you! Since you are asking for advice, let's see if there is some to be had.
I noticed you said you couldn't be around cigarettes as a permanent relationship. Since it is likely neither of you are thinking that this a permanent relationship yet after just two dates, do you have a deeper concern? Is it a requirement for you that your partner be a nonsmoker--would it be a complete deal breaker if he wasn't? If it is a requirement for you, how would it be if he was unwilling or unable to quit smoking in order to have a relationship with you? How would it be if he did quit at your request? Do you believe it is too soon to find out whether he meets your requirements? What would you do if you didn't think him almost perfect? What would be different between you if he wasn't a smoker?
It is often the case that we already know the answer to a dilemma. It will likely take some courage to face the answer, whatever that answer is for you, but it will well serve you both if you can recognize your truth and go from there.
Leah Cochrane | www.leahcochrane.com
Lynn responds ...
It's always exciting when you meet someone on a first date and you think there is potential for more exploration. You say that he's "perfect" and that you don't want to lose him yet there is the issue of him being a smoker and that you can't stand cigarettes. How would it be for you to practice open and honest communication by telling him that smoking is a deal-breaker for you? This is not telling him to quit; but you're being clear about a requirement. You will also be able to observe his response to your position on this: is he receptive to hearing your point of view or does it trigger reactivity in him?
Since you've met only once so far, you will have the opportunity to observe how things go with the smoking. If he refuses to quit, you'll have to decide whether or not to honor one of your requirements. If he promises to quit but takes no steps toward actually doing this, here is more information for you. Maybe he was just on the verge of quitting and this will be the nudge he needs to actually do it!
I know that at this point he seems like he could be "the one" but it takes a lot of time to really get to know someone. I hope you will take things slowly and that you will date "consciously!" There are coaches here available to support you on this journey!
Lynn Goodacre | www.lovecoachlynn.com
Wendy responds ...
It's clear that smoking is a non-negotiable deal breaker for you. You can tell Mr. Almost Perfect that you really enjoyed his company and you felt very comfortable with him. Let him know that you can't get involved with someone who smokes and if he chooses to quit smoking, you'll be looking forward to hearing from him! Either he will decide to quit smoking, or you will find someone who is a better match for you. Remember, never settle for a situation that isn't right for you. I recommend getting support from a relationship coach to help you gain the clarity and confidence to find the right man for you and co-create the permanent relationship you desire.
Wendy Lyon | www.DrWendyLyon.com
Kemi responds ...
You stated you cannot stand being around smokers. Will this be a requirement for you to be in a relationship? Have you figured out what other requirements you may have that your partner will need to meet? It is vital you define your requirements so that you can identify the type of partner you are looking to spend the rest of your life with. Have a clear vision and know what your needs are. Do not settle for less than you truly deserve.
Kemi Sogunle | www.kemionline.com
The opinions stated are those of the authors and not necessarily those of the staff, members, or leadership of Relationship Coaching Institute.
This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your question here and it will be forwarded to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.
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