IN THIS ISSUE:
Turning Failures into WinsBy: Lori Ann Davis, MA, CRS
Failures in life and love are inevitable. We all have or will experience them, but the past does not have to define the future. Failures do not have to keep you down or keep you from loving again. What you perceive as a failure might just be a learning experience. You can turn those failures into wins. It is what you do with the so-called failures that are important. Do you shut yourself off and decide that succeeding in love is not possible? Do you develop beliefs about men or women that do not serve you well? I hope your answer is, "Of course not!" Everyone has a past; it means you have lived, experienced and learned. And, learning all you can from those experiences to create the life you want is the key to turning failures into wins.
Sometimes after a relationship failure or loss, you might pull into your shell and cut yourself off from future relationships. This is ok to do for a period of time. It is important to heal from a loss and take time to evaluate what was good and what was not so good about the relationship. This is a great opportunity to learn more about yourself and what you want from a future relationship. It is also an opportunity to look at what you might need to change about yourself in order to attract and keep the right partner. Just make sure that you do not stay in your shell for too long. It takes courage to try again, but it is worth it. Don't let failure keep you from succeeding in the future.
Sometimes the loss can be the lack of a relationship in your life. I talk to people who have given up on dating because of a bad relationship or the inability to find someone they want to date. Both are opportunities for growth, not a time to give up. Past relationship baggage can cause negative thought patterns that keep you stuck. Any negative beliefs regarding men and women or relationships will repel the right potential partner instead of attracting them. If you have any of these beliefs, hiring a relationship coach might be the answer. Coaches can help you quickly identify past issues and current beliefs that are holding you back. They can give you strategies to make the necessary changes in your life so you can date successfully. Donít give up, and don't suffer alone.
Another pitfall you want to avoid is staying in a relationship too long due to fear of failure, fear of the unknown, or fear of change. I have talked to too many miserable people who feel stuck in a relationship that is not right for them, and yet they choose to stay because they are too afraid to leave. It is difficult and emotionally challenging to get over a failed relationship, but staying is not the answer either. Learning from past experiences and taking that knowledge forward allows you to create the relationship you truly want in the future.
I encourage you to make a list of your past relationships. List what worked in those relationships and what didn't work. Look for any patterns that emerge. This might help you learn more about what you are looking for and what to avoid in future relationships. It will also help you to see if there are any patterns in your thoughts, beliefs, or behaviors that might need to be changed.
Copyright © 2016 by Lori Ann Davis and The Relationship Coaching Institute. All rights reserved in all media. Used with permission.
Lori Ann Davis MA empowers singles and couples to live richer, fuller, happier lives by helping them create unstoppable relationships. Lori is a Certified Relationship Specialist with over 25 years experience.
Why'd she pull back? Did I do something wrong?
There's a girl I can't get off my mind. At first it seemed she felt the same way but suddenly she pulled back. I have a hard time telling her how I feel because I have been rejected and used time and time again. I thought she was different than the other girls - she is not self absorbed at all. I'm confused. Did I do something wrong? Please tell me what to do!
Lynn responds ...
It takes a lot of courage to speak our truth! It sounds like youíve had some bad experiences in the past that make you reluctant to ask her whatís going on and to tell her how you feel. If you let go of the beliefs that youíve done something wrong, or that youíre going to be rejected or used, what might be possible? The foundation of a relationship is clear communication so this is your opportunity to start the conversation with her. I encourage you to come from the mindset of ďThe ChooserĒ which acknowledges all that you have to offer. Rather than seeing yourself as being rejected, how about choosing to see it as women not truly seeing or appreciating you, and that itís their loss! When you come from a place of confidence you will experience much less suffering. Not sure how to find that confidence? A coach can help you!
Lynn Goodacre | www.lovecoachlynn.com
Wendy responds ...
Congratulations for having the courage to seek guidance. It can be so confusing when someone seems to like you and then pulls back! Don't assume you did something wrong and donít assume that she isn't interested. This is an opportunity for you to reconnect with her and let her know how you feel about her. I know you have experienced rejection in the past and you don't have to let that stop you from telling the truth now. I highly recommend that you let her know how confused you felt when she pulled back, and ask her if she would like to share how she's feeling. Remember to be curious and interested, not judging or blaming. Let her know you care and find out if she feels the same way. If she likes you thatís great, and if she doesn't that's helpful information, so you can move on and find someone where the interest is mutual.
Wendy Lyon | www.DrWendyLyon.com
Maeve responds ...
It's tough when you feel someone pulls away all of a sudden when it seemed everything was working well. Your past feelings of being used are interfering with your ability to communicate how you're feeling.
Your confusion is caused by the belief that she is different to others you've known. However, her pulling away has made those old beliefs resurface. When you focus your attention on one person, you experience life through a lens of scarcity. All of a sudden, this person pulls away and it seems like your whole world has come crashing in around you.
I wonder what would help you to ask her what's happening for her? Have a think back to the course of events. Ask yourself some key questions. What are your predominant thoughts about women? You've mentioned about being rejected and used time and time again. I wonder what this has caused you to believe about yourself? What has it caused you to believe about women? These beliefs about you and others will create the picture you paint for your life.
Perhaps you need to develop more empowering thoughts. Look for evidence of times when you felt confident, respected and valued. Close your eyes and place yourself in those situations, imagine yourself experience those feelings of confidence, respect and value. When you feel those things you're more likely to ask her what's happened without judgement or pressure.
Notice what shows up for you when you put your focus there instead of on being rejected and used.
It could be that you did something that made her pull away. Without asking her, you will never know what that was.
Maeve Crawford | www.maevecrawford.com
The opinions stated are those of the authors and not necessarily those of the staff, members, or leadership of Relationship Coaching Institute.
This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your question here www.relationshipcoach.org/ask-the-coach and it will be forwarded to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.
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