IN THIS ISSUE:

• Featured Article
  Top Five Ways to Find Your Perfect
  Mate Without a Computer
• Ask Our Coaches
  Shy, but Single and Want to Mingle

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FEATURED Article

Frustrated with Internet Dating?
Top Five Ways to Find Your Perfect Mate without a Computer

In a new trend, singles are becoming increasingly disillusioned with internet dating and seeking alternatives. With millions of singles using the internet and the promises and success stories of online matchmaking websites, I’ve heard the same thing over and over from singles across the country who are frustrated with internet dating-

"It's great to have a lot of choices, but it takes a lot of time and I don’t seem to meet anyone I have much chemistry with."

This trend makes sense to me. In some ways, using a computer to find your soul mate is like trying to cook a soufflé in a microwave. Some things just require time, effort, and the human touch.

This article will explore the upsides and downsides of internet dating, attempt to explain why internet dating doesn't work for some (most?) singles, and suggest some alternatives.

Top Five Advantages of Internet Dating

1. Reach more singles
2. Inexpensive (relatively)
3. Enough information available for efficient sorting
4. Anonymous
5. Easy to control most aspects of the process

Top Five Downsides of Internet Dating

1. Overwhelming number of choices
2. Encourages "shopping" mentality
3. Many users are less than truthful
4. Some users are game players, predators and cheaters
5. Complacency-tempting to rely on the internet and exclude other options

The Internet, Chemistry, and the Law of Attraction

Today's singles seem to be relying on their computer a bit too much and complacently expecting the internet to deliver their soul mate. This is a version of the Fairytale Trap (one of fourteen dating traps in my book "Conscious Dating"). The internet is a wonderful tool (I use it!) but doesn't seem to work effectively as the only tool for finding potential partners.

I believe that the two biggest reasons why the internet isn’t effective for many singles is the role of chemistry and the Law of Attraction.

Chemistry is critically important for a successful relationship. Everyone wants a partner they feel strong chemistry with, and a relationship would be pretty dry and unsustainable without it. The Fourth Principle of Conscious Dating is "Balance Your Heart with Your Head." Identifying your requirements, needs, and wants does not minimize the need for chemistry. You need both! I like to think of chemistry as the radar that helps you find your target, then you use your requirements, needs and wants to decide "yes" or "no."

The Law of Attraction is inescapable and either works for you or against you. If you're "busy" or "shy" and the internet is your only means of reaching potential partners, in a way you're hiding behind your computer and the Law of Attraction is not likely to help you. The Law of Attraction states that "like attracts like" and "energy follows attention," meaning your results reflect your thoughts and your actions. Over the years I've become convinced that the Law of Attraction is a powerful law of the Universe, like gravity. Just like "what goes up must come down," try as you might, you can’t avoid or change the principle that "like attracts like."

If you're hiding behind your computer, what people, relationships, and results are you likely to attract?

Top Five Ways to Find Your Mate Without a Computer

1. Use your support community. Most people find their soul mate through someone they know, so don't be a lone ranger (another dating trap!) and lean on your friends, family, co-workers, and neighbors to assist you to meet potential partners.
2. Start a dating pool or networking group. Get a group of singles together (any gender mix) to support each other to meet potential partners. Most singles know lots of other singles of both genders, so pool your resources and do some matchmaking for each other!
3. Reach out to people. In today's busy world with cell phones, texting, instant messaging, e-mail, and the internet promoting impersonal ways of interacting with others, it's easy to forget the lost art of engagement with real people that are right in front of you. Make an effort to reach out to the people you come into contact with in your everyday life and watch your relationships blossom.
4. Make more friends. Since most people find their soul mate through someone they know, be open to developing new friendships and expanding your support community. Chances are you already have acquaintances at work and other places that you would enjoy spending more time with. Friends are easier to find than dates, and friendships often last longer than romantic relationshps!
5. Get involved. Too many singles lead isolated lives centered around work, home, and a few friends. Participating in clubs, groups, classes, charities, church/temple, is the most important way you can leverage the Law of Attraction to help you find your soul mate. You'll meet new people, make new friends, and pursue hobbies and interests important to you that bring you in contact with other compatible singles.

Balancing High Tech with High Touch

While technology can help us in many ways, let's not forget that as humans we are social beings and finding your life partner is a relationship goal that is most effectively archived by getting away from your computer and living a full, rich life among real people doing the things you enjoy that make your life meaningful.

As the ancient Roman playwright Terence once said "Moderation in all things." Do you think he meant the internet as well?

Let's address this trend of over-reliance on the internet for finding love. Please pass this article along to the frustrated singles in your life that you care about!

Copyright © 2015 by David Steele, MA, LMFT. All rights reserved in all media. Used with permission.

David Steele, MA. LMFT is founder of Relationship Coaching Institute and author of the ground-breaking book for singles, Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life in Today's World and co-author of the newly released best-seller Radical Marriage: Your Relationship as Your Greatest Adventure.

The opinions stated are those of the author and not necessarily those of the staff, members, or leadership of Relationship Coaching Institute.

Ask Our Coaches

Shy, but Single and Want to Mingle

Dear Coaches,

I am new to the dating scene and feel shy meeting other people. How would you suggest I meet other singles, without having all the pressure of dating?

~ Veronica from San Diego, CA

Patricia responds ...

Being new to dating scene and being shy can be difficult in general. It's important to work through your shyness before you start dating. Even if it becomes challenging it's important to bring yourself to attend any event for at least 30 minutes before you decide to leave. After a while your shyness will dwindle away.

Now that you are working on overcoming your shyness, your next step would be is to figure out if you're really ready to date. You have to get all your ducks in order. Clean up your emotional, financial and ties from your past relationship. It's called getting rid of your old baggage.

It's important to find out your needs and wants, values etc. by doing a self-assessment - it will prepare you to go out and date new people. Once you are ready you can start searching social sites such as book clubs, dancing lessons, meetup groups, walking groups etc.

It's also important to get yourself independently ready to go out on your own. Take time to analyze your past and ensure you have no emotional attachment, so you are able to start putting all your energy in dating and have no distractions that will cause you to set yourself up to fail.

When you're able to approach someone without being shy you will be able to screen, sort and scout your next partner without difficulty. Once you discover you have common interest, values, needs and wants you are well on your way to finding the love the love of your life.

Patricia Fantauzzi | www.making-changes.ca

Wendy responds ...

I understand how uncomfortable that dating pressure can feel! If you're looking to meet other singles in a group setting, I suggest you find groups that resonate with you, whether you are a bike rider, birdwatcher, mediator or artist.

Do a little research, and you can probably find a singles group or spiritual community in your area doing something that interests you. Check out a few local groups and find one that you particularly enjoy. Then, when you meet interesting singles there, you'll already have something in common to talk about and the "pressure" will be off.

In addition to getting yourself out there, I highly recommend that you do the "inner-work", so you feel comfortable, clear and confident when you meet new people.

Might there be any old, impeding beliefs that are getting in your way, like "I'm not good enough" or "I can't ask for what I want"? Would you like to shift any limiting beliefs to empowering beliefs like "I deserve a loving relationship with a wonderful partner"?

Having someone to coach you through the process of believing you are good enough and why, might be something worth looking into.

Wendy Lyon | www.drwendylyon.com

Nina responds ...

Practice! Many of the most successful people out there engaging in meaningful ways with the world were shy. They overcame it with practice.

It has become easier than ever to find groups of people with similar interests since the advent of Meetup Groups. Start with a cooking or biking or dancing or reading, or outdoor or games or whatever activity you enjoy.

If you can't find a group in your area that does what you like, START one. You will find it easy to get to know others when the focus is on the activity and once the group gets to know you, they can introduce you to their single friends who are not in the group. A win for everyone!

Nina Potter | www.ninapotter.relationshipcoach.org

The opinions stated are those of the authors and not necessarily those of the staff, members, or leadership of Relationship Coaching Institute.

This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your question here www.relationshipcoach.org/ask-the-coach and it will be forwarded to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.

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