April 2015
Conscious Dating Singles News



The Real Reason Men Disappear

By Lori Ann Davis, MA, CRS

Why do men disappear with no explanation after what you thought was a really great date, or maybe even a few great dates?

You thought the date went great and you went home so excited. Then you donít hear from him again and all your attempts to contact him fail. You find yourself confused, angry, questioning everything you did and wondering where you went wrong. Sound familiar?

One of the main reasons this happens is because you might be confusing chemistry with love. It could be that he really did have a good time with you and you thought that meant a relationship was starting. This goes back to the differences between men and women and how they think! He might have just been looking to have fun and one or a few dates was really all he wanted with any one woman, no matter what he said! Some people, men and women alike, are addicted to the "high" they get on those first few dates and when that starts to wear off they move on.

Sometimes it can be that a guy is talking to and meeting a few women at a time and he may have liked you but he may have met someone else that he liked better. After a few good dates, it could be that he enjoyed your company but just didn't see a future in the relationship with you. It is important not to take this personally.

Every now and then, something does come up in life and he may have got caught up in a personal issue or something at work. If too much time passed, he might have been embarrassed to call and ask for a second date.

The bottom line here is that if he disappears like this, count your blessings that you found out sooner than later because chances are he isn't boyfriend material. I know it is hard to not wonder what you did wrong. I encourage you not to take it personally and not to let this erode your self-confidence.

It is important to NOT continue to email, text, or call in order to track him down for an explanation! This is a waste of your time and energy. If something legitimate did come up and he plans on reaching out later; this will cause him to change his mind. So resist the temptation to reach out more than once or to try various methods to re-engage him.

If this seems to be a pattern in your dating, you may need some help in identifying who is boyfriend material and who isn't.

The other possibility, if this is a pattern for you, is that you might be inadvertently chasing off the good guys. Here are some ways to avoid this cycle if you are in it.

  • Take things slower. Don't push too much or go to fast. You might scare him off.
  • Be honest in your online profile if you have one. Make sure he knows who is meeting. He might be polite on the first date but you are not likely to get a second if you are different than you advertise.
  • Date more than one guy at a time when you are in the initial dating stage. That way if one disappears, it really doesnít matter as much because you haven't invested much time and energy into any one guy.
  • Let him do the pursuing and the planning of dates. Again, you donít want to scare him off and this is a great way to get to know more about him on those first dates.
  • Keep your dates drama free! Resist the urge to share too much or to tell him all about your past relationship problems.
  • Have fun, don't take it too seriously. Be fun loving, light-hearted and feminine. Allow him to be attracted to you and want to call again and again.
  • You might also want to wait before having sex too soon, or at least communicate your expectations of what this means to you in a relationship and make sure you are both on the same page.

Copyright © 2015 by Lori Ann Davis, MA, CRS. All rights reserved in all media. Used with permission.

Betty Russell
Lori Ann Davis, MA, CRS, as a certified relationship specialist, with 28 years experience, in Charlotte, NC, my goal is to help empower individuals and couples so that they can live richer, fuller, happier lives. For more information visit www.lorianndavis.com. Lori is also the host of the "Ask Lori" radio show on WGIVCharlotte.com.

Ask Our Coaches

My friend gets her heart broken too fast.

Dear Coaches,

I have a best friend who is beautiful and smart. She has a lot going for her. The one drawback is she settles for the first thing that comes her way. She does not like to be alone. She falls in love quick and deep and usually gets really clingy and the guy breaks it off with her. I have tried to tell her to not rush in, but it happens over and over. I want to be there for her, but I getting tired of rescuing her after another break up.

What can I do to save our friendship and help her see she moves on too fast?

- Julie, from Texas


Anita Myers

Anita responds ...

It's difficult to watch a friend or relative go through a tough time, a bad habit, or a bad habit that leads to a tough time. If only we can control time and make everything nice and sweet.

But our reality shows us that not everyone meets us at the conscious level that we might be at, and we are only able to do the best we can with what we have for ourselves.

If she is your best friend, then my suggestion is to simply be one to:

  • Be there for her so she can vent to you.
  • If she asks for help and advice, offer wisdom.
  • If she wants you to hold her accountable, then you can step in to do just that.
  • If she is taking advantage or hurting you, exhibit your self-respect through limitations and consequences.

Other than that, give her the space she needs to figure things out for herself.

In the end, she will have to discover triumphs and setbacks on her own. Be her relief, so when the dust settles her best friend is still there, which is a true testament to love in friendship.

Anita Myers | www.innerscopeconsulting.com

Michelle Zelig

Michelle responds ...

To me, your friend sounds like she needs to see a relationship coach who will help her to start dating consciously and helping her determine her requirements, among lots of other very valuable self discoveries.

Helping her create awareness will increase her chances of finding the person right for her.

Michelle Zelig | www.personalpowerinternational.com

Lori Beals

Lori responds ...

In listening to your concern for yourself and your friend, I wonder if she sees her style as problematic the way you do. Does she want to change the way she approaches relationships? If you feel you are rescuing her I am not sure what you mean by this. Listening to her cry and giving suggestions maybe? Or is she moving in with you? Setting kind boundaries for yourself here is key I think.

Stop rescuing her. Give her some referrals to a dating or relationship coach and tell her you will be there for her to do fun things that you enjoy doing with her and you feel it hurts your friendship to try and help her after a break up. Don't let her bad mood drag you down. Stay upbeat and set a firm boundary letting her know you are still her friend.

Lori Beals | (317) 683-8064

Ellen Kamaras

Ellen responds ...

I get how painful and frustrating it is to see your best friend get hurt over and over and help her pick up the pieces each time. I was the same 20+years ago and I didn't date successfully, until I realized I had lots of strengths and learned to love myself. If we don't love ourselves, why should anyone else?

I imagine you already know that you can only be responsible for yourself and not for her. You can be there for her with empathy and really listen to her. However, she has to shift her own mindset and recognize that what's she's doing isn't working.

I would only offer advice if she asks you for it. Otherwise, she may shoot the messenger rather than take a good look at herself. A strategy that may work for both of you might be to ask if she would be open to learning about the Conscious Dating program. You could put a positive spin on it in terms of giving herself a gift! The program can help her get clear about who she is, what she wants and how she can get what she wants in her life and relationships.

Ellen Kamaras | www.ellenkamaras.relationshipcoach.org

The opinions stated are those of the authors and not necessarily those of the staff, members, or leadership of Relationship Coaching Institute.

This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your question here www.relationshipcoach.org/ask-the-coach and it will be forwarded to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.


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