April 2015



Sexual Communication: Asking for What You Want in Bed

By Dr. Martha Tara Lee

The best way to get what you want in bed is to ask for it. However before you can ask for what it is you want, you need to know what it is you want. This might sound simple.

Yet because we grew up with having had little or no sex education, and live in a society where sex is often not talked about, the conversation of sex and sexuality is a difficult one to raise for most people even between married couples.

Learn what to ask and how to ask it to improve your love life!

Reality Check
More than ever, we are exposed to sexual images in the media. This might create the expectation that having a great sex life is easy or ought to be.

The first step to good sexual communication is acknowledging that it is one of the most difficult things to achieve in a relationship because of the desire not to hurt, impose upon or (gasp!) inconvenience your partner.

Yet without honesty, patience and ability to be vulnerable, it is not possible to let your loved one know what you like in bed. Also because your desires and preferences change over time, sexual communication is an evolving process.

Examine your Sexual Pattern
We are unique in the way we like to be touched. What one person feels is going to be quite different from the next – from the type of touch, frequency to intensity and stimulation.

The next step is not presuming what your partner likes and that just something feels good one day does not mean it will be the same during every sexual experience. Take a look at your current sexual pattern. In other words, what is usually happening during love making? How about mixing up the order? Or trying just one new thing each time you have sex – vary the location, position, or attire? Just one!

Ask the Right Questions
It can be a turn-off and annoying to answer questions every time one has sex. So experiment with when and how you ask those questions and what works best. Explain why you are asking those questions – because you care and want to better please your partner. When you make the effort, your partner is likely to reciprocate by paying more attention to your desires.

Begin by touching your partner gently and, while you're doing so, asking what feels good. Do you enjoy having your nipples squeezed? Do you like your neck nibbled? Is this enough pressure?

Be Open minded and Non-judgmental
We want to feel that our desires are normal and acceptable. Since your partner loves you, your opinion of their sexual desires play a bigger role than you might realize. You can also help give touch that feels good. While you shouldn't do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, neither should you make a loved one feel odd or unclean for enjoying those forms of arousal.

Once again, remember that sexual communication is an ongoing process. Improving how one talks about love making will increase the closeness of the relationship and make it a happier one!

Copyright © 2015 by Dr. Martha Tara Lee and the Relationship Coaching Institute. All rights reserved in all media. Used with permission.

Dr. Martha Tara Lee, is Founder and Clinical Sexologist of Eros Coaching. She is a certified sexologist with a Doctorate in Human Sexuality. She provides sexuality and intimacy coaching for individuals and couples, conducts sexual education workshops and speaks at public events. She is the author of the book Love, Sex and Everything In-Between, and the host of the weekly radio show Eros Evolution on OMTimes Radio.

For more information visit www.ErosCoaching.com


Ask Our Coaches

How can I help my husband deal with erectile dysfunction?

Dear Coaches,

My husband and I always had great chemistry in bed. Lately, he has had a difficult time getting an erection. I tried everything to help him out, dressing up, role playing and watching videos with him. He said it isn't me and that he is embarrassed. I tried to encourage him to see a doctor, but he won't go.

I don’t want him to feel bad. What do I do?

~ Alicia, from Arizona

Dave Wilder

Dave responds ...

Occasional ED affects nearly all men as we age. There are lots of possible causes, including side effects of medications (even over-the-counter and supplements); alcohol; nicotine; illnesses; blood pressure, etc. However, there is another possible reason to consider – and a suggestion to try.

Men don't talk about times when we fail to "rise to the occasion" and we may believe this could never happen to us. But then it does and we are embarrassed, confused, even shocked. Just being afraid it might happen again is enough to keep us from functioning properly!

My suggestion is to take the pressure off as much as possible. Suggest some sexual activities you would enjoy that don't require an erection. Find ways to enjoy each other physically with or without intercourse, and have fun with that. Less pressure may make a huge difference. If he then has an erection, that's great. If not, you will have created a new way of supporting each other sexually, eliminated one possible cause, helped him feel manly again, and strengthened your marriage.

With your support then, he may be more willing to talk with his doctor. Perhaps you could even support him by going together.

Dave Wilder | www.treasuredrelationships.com

Annette Carpien

Annette responds ...

While your husband's erection problem may or may not stem from a medical situation or induced by medication, this is enormously embarrassing for men to reveal to others, even though so many other men deal with the same issue.

Many women take this issue too personally, believing that he is not attracted to you, or that it is somehow your fault.

While there might be some validity in that, often it is just a male biological situation that resolves on its own over a few months or sporadically.

Being successfully intimate in the midst of ED requires lowered pressure to perform. What if both of you, for now, treat it as a temporary situation and not actually a problem. There are many ways to give each other pleasure, even without an erection. The worst scenario is when one or both of you give up your intimate life, either him out of embarrassment, or you to either save him from the embarrassment, or thinking that without an erection, sex is not worth it.

By keeping your affection and intimate life active, this situation could even open up avenues for different types of sexual play that you both really enjoy.

Annette Carpien | www.greatrelationshipscoaching.com

Teena Evert

Teena responds ...

I applaud your sincere and creative efforts to help stimulate the chemistry between you and your husband in bed. I hear that you deeply care for his well being and the health of your relationship. I see this scenario as a perfect opportunity to get out the Communication Map, which comes into play when one person in a relationship experiences an issue or problem and needs to talk to the other person about it..

Keep in mind that this is most likely a very uncomfortable topic for your husband, it's a big risk for both of you to say what you’re really thinking, feeling, wanting and needing. Intimacy requires being open and telling our truth.

The Communication Map gives you the structure to work through an issue in your relationship without it having to be an argument, a conflict, or be a cause for bad feelings.

I encourage you and your husband to carve out some time to go through the steps in the Communication Map. True connection and intimacy comes from our ability to speak our truth, listen deeply, and openly support our partner in receiving and honoring their needs and desires.

Teena Evert | www.ignitelovenow.com

Editors note: Click here for more information or to purchase the Communication Map.

The opinions stated are those of the authors and not necessarily those of the staff, members, or leadership of Relationship Coaching Institute.

This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your question here www.relationshipcoach.org/ask-the-coach and it will be forwarded to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.


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