JuLY 2014



Steamy Nights - Rejuvenate Your Love Life

By Lori Ann Daviscouple talking

Intimacy is essential for any relationship. Without it you have a friendship, not an unstoppable relationship full of love and passion. Everyone deserves and wants to have that kind of relationship. Demands of life get in the way and become the priority sometimes. You come home tired at the end of the day and still have lots to do, and somehow making love takes a back seat in your relationship. On top of that, after a period of time, the "passion" hormones start to decrease which makes it even easier to find reasons not to have sex as often. As the friendship part of our relationship grows, the differences and newness that caused some of the spark and passion in the beginning starts to wear off as well.

There are many reasons why you want to keep the passion alive in your relationships. The hormone oxytocin that is released during sex create a bonding feeling between couples. Besides feeling good, this hormone also help us focus on how much we love our partner. Couples who have active sex lives focus on the positive attributes of their partners more and are more tolerant, less critical and generally happier with their partner. Added to that are the physical benefits of making love. It is aerobic and good exercise; it is relaxing and helps to reduce stress. So if it is that good for you and your relationship, how do you rejuvenate your sex life if it has taken a backseat in your relationship? It is easier than you think.

  • The first suggestion is to make it a priority. Do not wait for the right time; schedule it in and make time in your schedule.
  • Don't wait until the evening. Start early in the day. For men, women love attention. It is an aphrodisiac for them, so give them little hints during the day to remind them of how much you love them and that you are thinking of them. For women, start thinking about your evening in the morning when you are getting dressed. Put on something sexy, maybe just sexy underwear that only you know you have on. It will remind you all day of your plans for the evening.
  • Be playful, and have fun with each other. Remember to always keep flirting with your partner. Send flirty texts during the day or call each other at lunch and act like you did when you were dating. This is fun, and it gets the hormones going.
  • Incorporate more physical touch in your relationship, even when you don't have time for sex. More hugs and kisses are great along with hand holding and snuggling. Instead of a quick hug and kiss in the morning or when you get back together at the end of the day, try a 10 second hug and kiss. It really makes a difference and will start the hormones flowing.
  • Relax after dinner with a hot shower, hot bath, yoga and/or relaxing music. Anything to help you transition from the busy day to thinking about spending quality time with your partner.
  • Reading sexy novels can be helpful to get you in the mood. Obooko.com has lots of free e-books to download with lots of romance novels to choose from.
  • Create ambiance in your bedroom. Put on some music, turn down the lights, light a candle, turn off the TV, put away your phone and lock the door. Spend some uninterrupted time with your partner reconnecting.
  • Ladies, if you would like some extra help getting in the mood you can try the Orgasm Diet, by Marrana Lidberg. Not only is this a healthy diet, and yes you get to eat chocolate, it also helps increase hormones that contribute to feeling sexy and enjoying it more. So why not give it a try!

Remember that intimacy is important in keeping connected with your partner. Make it a priority and work on this part of your relationship like you work on other parts. Have fun and be creative!

Copyright © 2014 by Lori Ann Davis and The Relationship Coaching Institute. All rights reserved in all media. Used with permission.

Lori Ann Davis MA empowers singles and couples to live richer, fuller, happier lives by helping them create unstoppable relationships. Lori is a Certified Relationship Specialist with over 25 years experience.

For more information and free Radical Marriage resources for couples visit www.lorianndavis.com

Ask Our Coaches

She doesn't care that our house is a mess... HELP!

Man Sweeping Dear Coaches,

My wife and I constantly fight over keeping the house clean. Our house is small and has clutter everywhere. She doesn't care that it is messy and would rather spend her time doing just about anything else except housework. The mess is overwhelming to me and I don't invite people over anymore because I am embarrassed. I don't mind cleaning it myself, but within a day or two it looks the same. She just won't put anything away. I canít live like this anymore. What can I do? Please help!

~ D.B. from San Diego, CA.

Kiki Strickland

Kiki responds ...

Great question! My husband and I also have different cleaning styles. I hate cleaning. We like having people over regularly and to be honest, that is the only time I feel compelled to do a deep cleaning. The rest of the time he will 'tidy up' the home because he likes everything just so.

If you are the clean one, why not do it? I'm sure there are other areas that your wife is doing more than you. Does she do most of the cooking? Or taking care of the kids/pets? If you are better at cleaning and more concerned with it, don't require her to do more than she already does. Hire a reasonably priced cleaner if you need help. There are companies these days that charge only $20 per hour. She may be willing to pay for it herself as her contribution to the cleanliness of the home.

Don't let something that can be easily remedied by outside helpers cause problems in your marriage. Extend grace to her in this area, as Iím sure she is extending grace to you in some other area. Hope this helps!

Kiki Strickland | www.kikistrickland.com

Marian Meade

Marian responds ...

The solution might be for each of you to share your deepest thoughts and feelings around the "mess" issue so you can figure out how to help each other get your needs met and be happier.

Regardless of how justified your feelings are, there's no doubt that nagging and criticizing your wife are a real turn off for her. You may be surprised to hear from her that she wants to feel respected and cherished and that instead, she's been feeling unloved and worthless. She may be feeling like she's living with her boss.

You need to kindly share with her that a tidy, organized home makes you feel good, and that (I'm guessing) you feel disrespected and unloved, and unimportant, and sad, and distressed when she creates clutter and you aren't able to relax in your ideal environment.

Only by being vulnerable with your feelings can you understand and empathize with each other, which then motivates you to help each other get your needs met and be happier.

Marian Meade | www.marriagemindedcoaching.com

Daniel Leonardi

Daniel responds ...

I understand your difficulties. I suggest that you both agree to create a safe space, sit down and just listen to each other.

Here is a strategy that is adapted from Terrence Real, "How Can I Get Through To You," specifically, the Non-Defensive Speaking Tool.

1. Share what happened.
2. Share your interpretation, based on what happened.
3. Share how you feel.
4. Express your needs.
5. Make a simple, specific request for change.

So here's what it might look like:
1. "What I see you do is leave stuff around the house."
2. "What I make that mean is you donít care that itís messy."
3. "How I feel about this is overwhelmed and embarrassed."
4. "What I need from you is a little more understanding."
5. "What I would like is for you to put things away or ask me for your help."

She may not be able fulfill on your request to put things away. Negotiate so that it can work for both of you. Maybe she can start with keeping a portion of the house organized. Or make a game out of it-when she keeps the house organized, celebrate by taking her to her favorite restaurant.

Daniel Leonardi | www.loveunlimitedcoaching.com

This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your question here www.relationshipcoach.org/ask-the-coach and it will be forwarded to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.


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