IN THIS ISSUE:
The Art of First Date ConversationBy Betty Russell
It's time to meet. You met someone online, but now you want to take the next step. You have followed all the safety criteria:
So you followed all the criteria. That's all well and good, you say, but now you have a date set up for Thursday and you are starting to get the jitters. You may be thinking: "What will we talk about? What if I talk too much? What if I don't talk enough? What if I'm boring? What should I ask?"
Don't panic. Take a deep breath and do your preparation. You wouldn't plan a meal without going shopping and you wouldn't go on vacation without an itinerary, so why go to a first date without laying the groundwork? It will simply provide you with a plan of action, and make you feel more confident. And as we know, confidence is sexy.
How do you prepare? Focus on the skills of conversation and topics of interest. If you are already an easy conversationalist, it is still normal for you to feel nervous in this situation, so cut yourself some slack and go back to basics with me.
Smile. A brilliant way to start out. Although it may seem obvious, sometimes in our anxiety, we can come across as a little too intense at first if we don't remind ourselves to... smile. A smile lets the other person know you are pleased to see him or her and the smile will be returned.
Eye contact. Maintaining good eye contact in our culture is important. Eye contact does not mean you never glance away. Notice next time you are in casual conversation with a friend or colleague. There is a normal amount of looking away mixed in with steady, focused eye contact. When you look someone in the eye, it shows that you are fully engaged in the conversation and listening to what the other person is saying.
Connect. A very important way to connect personally is by using someone's name. Doing so validates him or her and creates a deeper bond. You convey that this person is not just "one of many" or "one in a crowd" but a person you see and hear as an individual and about whom you hope to know more.
Body language. The non-verbal language of the body is "heard" loud and clear. Open body language will put the other person at ease and will say, "I'm interested." This posture includes standing or sitting tall, with head high, arms relaxed, leaning slightly forward and facing your date directly. You want to appear comfortable, not bored. You want to come across as confident, not arrogant. You want to be accessible, not vulnerable.
Now for conversation. The more you practice, the more at ease and confident you'll be. To decide what questions to ask or topics to discuss consider what your requirements, needs and wants are in a relationship. Also, know what you want to share. Keep in mind that the meeting is to determine if this is someone you would like to spend more time with.
Breaking the ice. Keep conversation light and upbeat. Chances are you both are a little nervous, so a light, even humorous, conversation is the best way to start out. An easy way to build a connection is to talk about a topic that you can both relate to.
It could be a current event or swapping funny online dating experiences. It is not the time to talk about your ex, problems at work, your health or anything else "heavy." You should have fun talking with your date even if you pre-plan some topics.
Exploration. Getting to know your date. By now you've had at least one phone conversation. Maybe you remember movies or hobbies he or she mentioned during the call? Or favorite music, or being a pet owner? If so, you can start a conversation with questions:
Follow up questions show engagement, and have the added benefit of accelerating your discovery of common ground you might share.
If you are looking for a committed long term relationship, ask questions that gently probe to assess if that interest is shared.
Avoid overly-intense queries that might seem scary on a first date, such as, "When can I see you next?" or "Would you like to meet my children?" If you sense the person is uncomfortable at any time, back off. Also, mixing in lighthearted conversation with questions will eliminate the feeling of an interview. Listen sincerely and attentively. Give him or her ample room to talk. Doing so shows that you are interested in the conversation and want to hear more.
Personal anecdotes. It is just as important to share about yourself as to find out about your date. Telling a funny story from work that reveals something about the way you interact with people can be enlightening. Talking about a favorite vacation can be insightful for both parties as your date can learn about you and may share a love of traveling as well. As you share stories about yourself, avoid mention of an ex (even if a trip was or a hobby or interest was shared with one), and stick to upbeat, lighthearted anecdotes, avoiding the overly dramatic or painful.
Sharing yourself also gives your date an opportunity to ask you questions. Do not deflect those questions, even if you are shy to talk about yourself. The goal here is to get to know one another, so be open and honest. Finding a balance between how much to talk and how much to listen is challenging. Keeping tuned in to body language is part of knowing if you are hitting it right. If your date pulls back, glances away from you more than is normal or starts saying, "Uh huh" a lot, shift the focus.
Do you want another date? If you had a good time with your date, say so. It will be appreciated. Arrange to meet again, or to talk or email to set up a date. If you didn't click, you can still be kind. Warmly wish him or her well, and part on good terms.
The best first date conversations are fueled by the comfort of both participants, so don't get obsessed with asking a list of specific questions that turn a conversation into an interview. Allow the conversation to have a life of its own. If you don't get to most of your questions, or any, it just means the conversation spontaneously worked, and that is a good thing! Going in with a plan is an excellent strategy, regardless.
Remember to relax, have fun and enjoy your dating journey.
Copyright © 2013 by Betty Russell. All rights reserved in all media. Used with permission.
Betty Russell is a Dating Expert and a Board Certified Life Coach. She provides dating and relationship advice for serious minded singles. Getting it right the second, third or fourth time around.
I can't find that special someone - should I give up looking?
I'm in my mid 30s, I'm a nice guy, but I've never found that special someone. I have a hard time finding available single women and the bar scene and online dating are not my thing, so what do I do?
Lately, I've been thinking that I'd rather give up and stop looking for something I'll never find anyway, and just stay single and alone for the rest of my life.
What do you think?
Noelle responds ...
Don't give up! You are too young to throw in the proverbial towel. I understand that it can be stressful and disappointing, especially if many in your circle have found "the one". The first thing I would suggest is changing your mindset. Through your disappointment, which is indeed understandable, you have a negative outlook in terms of finding love. Our mindset can become our reality. When we have a negative mindset it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. The signals we unwittingly send off say "what do I have to offer", and I will never meet anyone so what is the point. I recommend that you focus on all of the positive aspects you have to offer to your ideal woman. This in turn alters your mindset, which boosts your desirability to prospective, romantic partners.
In terms of meeting a special someone, I would urge you to think outside your comfort zone. I agree with you that bars and online dating online can be tricky. Play the ratio game. Go to places where more women than men congregate. Try yoga, or a dancing class. By just showing up, your odds will improve. The other areas to consider are joining an intramural team, if you are the sporty type, and or asking a friend to play matchmaker for you. Good luck in your search for the one!
Noelle Shoemate | (917) 359-0650
Randy responds ...
You apparently think that by your mid-30's you should have found that special someone. The unadulterated truth is that most people haven't. A good 50% are headed for a divorce; another 40% don't have the information they need for a good relationship (and aren't looking for it).
Perhaps you believe that finding true love should be easy. Nothing could be further from the truth. It takes hard work to find special love, and hard work to keep it.
There are many choices other than your black-and-white options of "that special someone" or "stay single and alone". Why not have several special someones and enjoy life until Miss Ultimately Special shows up?
Ask friends to introduce you to women they know. Join civic organizations that interest you and will benefit the community and also allow you to meet women. Experiment outside your comfort zone perhaps including other cities, other cultures, other countries, and yes, even virtual universes (online dating...). Don't limit yourself to one or two dating venues. The bottom line: hopefully you have a long life ahead of you, and there is no hurry. Get informed, have fun, patiently build relationships, and be surprised when the right one arrives.
Randy Hurlburt | www.PartnersinLoveandCrime.com
Wendy responds ...
I know how frustrating it can be when you want someone special in your life and you haven't found her (or him) yet. Sometimes it may feel easier to just give up and stop looking, but in your heart you know you would be disappointed. You DO NOT need to stay single and alone for the rest of your life! You deserve to have the love you want.
The good news is that there are thousands of fabulous single women looking for a nice guy in his 30's. Once you truly believe that you can have the love you want, your mission is to find someone who is a great match for you in all the ways that matter to you. When you discover what is really essential for you in a relationship, let your friends and family know, and get out there at gatherings and events that are fun for you. If you'd like a complimentary "LovePath" consultation and help with identifying and transforming limiting beliefs, clarifying your vision and essential relationship requirements, and finding that special someone, I'd love to hear from you!
Wendy Lyon, PhD| www.MyTrueLovePath.com
This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your question here www.relationshipcoach.org/ask-the-coach and it will be forwarded to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.
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