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August 2012

In this issue:

Relationship Coaching Institute

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Frankie Doiron
President & CEO
Relationship Coaching Institute

David Steele
David Steele
Relationship Coaching Institute

Tara Kachaturoff - Photo
Tara Kachaturoff
Editor | Conscious Dating News

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Ask Our Coaches: 
A Tale of Two Men: How do I choose?

"I've met two men that I really like .... How do I choose ?"

This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.

Dear Coaches,

I've met two men that I really like and both meet my requirements. I don't fight with either of them, however I like different things about each one. I wish I could just combine them into one man! I'm 58 years old so I can't be too picky either. One is 8 years younger than me and the other is 8 years older. How do I choose? Which traits are more important for a happy marriage? What's your advice?


Jackie responds ...

Conscious Dating is not limited to those under a certain age. The principles of Conscious Dating apply to everyone who is committed to asking and answering 3 questions: Who are you? What do you want? How can you get what you really want in life and love?

I invite you to seriously challenge your (faulty) belief that at 58 you are too old to be picky. After all, whatever you believe is true, is! It sounds like either one of these men would be a fine companion. But does either one touch your heart in that v-e-r-y deep place? Or curl your hair or knock your socks off? What if it is possible that neither one of these fine men is your ideal match!

If for a moment you decide to be "picky," would you choose one of them to be your partner for life for the rest of your life, or would you decide to keep dating until you met the man who really did match all of your requirements? Please consider hiring a professional relationship coach to help you create your Conscious Dating Plan so you can choose the right man once and for all!

Dr. Jackie Black |

Maeve responds ...

You are in a strong position to choose consciously for your love life, dating two men, both of whom meet your requirements. However, you wish you could combine them into one man, indicating something's lacking somewhere.

You think you aren't entitled to have what you want and "can't be too picky at 58." Write down all your relationship and partner requirements -- your list of absolute must haves for the relationship to work.

Ask yourself "If I spent the rest of my life with this person, is there anything I would want to change about him?" Picture yourself with him in five, ten, twenty years. Pay close attention to your intuition and the feelings that surface for you. You may discover some truths that you're currently unable to see. Write down your insights and compare them for each person.

The person you choose to spend your life with must be a good match for you, so don't settle for less. Be clear about what you want for your relationship, choose someone who shares the same values as you and take your time to get to know people. There is no rush when it comes to choosing a life partner.

Maeve Crawford | | 0800 270 7559

Nina responds ...

You have 2 great guys to choose from and think you can't be picky? If they aren't asking you to make a commitment, there is no reason for you not to take more time and simply enjoy both of them while you decide. That combination guy might just show up!

If you're ready to commit, both fit all your requirements and you like them equally, try this:

Spend one whole day imagining or pretending that you made the decision to commit to one of them. Spend the entire day assuming that you whole heartedly chose one of them and notice how you think and feel having made that decision. On a different day, imagine that you whole heartedly chose the other one. Again, notice how you think and feel having made the decision with no wavering. Repeat this process until you're clear.

Consider what kind of "we" you will be forming with each of them. Who will most readily fit with your life vision? This will be the most important thing you'll need to keep your relationship healthy and alive going forward.

Nina Potter | | 1.651.773.0732

Denise responds ...

Congratulations Sherrie on meeting two potential soulmates. If you feel that both men meet your requirements then there may be a good possibility that your requirements are too vague. Take your requirements and define out each detail until they are broken down to the smallest element.

Remember dating is a staging. Dating may be chemically and biologically enhanced. Everyone is in character and on their best behavior. Although both candidates appear to meet your requirements, on a day-to-day basis when you share living quarters, finances, domestic responsibilities, and extended families that may change the dynamics of your relationship altogether. So put these men through the litmus test.

Follow their actions and not their words. Words are merely intentions of what or who a person wants to be or intends to be. Actions define their character. Which man aligns more with your values, principles, priorities, morals, and ethics?

Also, a good relationship barometer is how responsive is each man to each one of your physical, emotional, and relational needs when it's not convenient for him? How responsive is each one when there is absolutely no benefit for him? And, lastly which one shares a vision with you for the future?

Denise Wade Ph.D. | | 1.215.913.7997

Diane and Lewis respond ...

Being 58 years old doesn't relieve you of your responsibility to choose the best mate possible; we would not call it "picky". This person could be your loved one for the next 30 years!

We suggest that you re-visit your requirements, including life vision, life purpose, values and needs. Make sure you aren't overlooking something. How long have you tested the requirements with each man? Have you consulted the dating red flag checklist for insights into each of these men?

The only difference between the two men that you mentioned was age. Age and sexual energy can be a significant factor. How is your sexual energy and how does that match the energy of the two men, bearing in mind that the older may wane faster. There is a 16 year difference to consider here.
The older man may have health issues sooner or could pass on sooner than the younger man. Does that matter to you?

What else is in their environment that they would each bring to the relationship? Do either of them have children or parents that might consume their energy, time or money? Are they both still working or is one retired and the other working?

Diane and Lewis Denbaum | | 1.800.639.4505

Feature Article:
Full Steam Ahead:
How to Navigate Your Relationship

by Tara Kachaturoff

This year is the 100th anniversary of the maiden voyage and sinking of the Titanic – one of the worst maritime disasters ever. Poor decisions and an inattention to known challenges of navigating the North Atlantic led to hitting an iceberg that sliced through most of the hull on one side of the ship.

From a physics standpoint only one-eighth of an iceberg is visible with seven-eighths of it submerged and hidden from view. It's what was "hidden" that led to the Titanic's untimely demise.

Navigating Your Relationship

Your relationship is similar to an iceberg. Early on, you see and experience very little about the person and the overall relationship. It's what is below the surface, hidden from view, that you need to unearth and discover. Just like the Titanic, what you can't see can and will harm you and your relationship. Fortunately, you can take measures to surface the unknown which, hopefully, will lead to smooth sailing for you and the love of your life.

Here are some tips to help you get started:

#1 Take your time. Think about speeding in your car. When you're driving fast, things are a blur. You can't appreciate the interesting sights along the way and, if you need to suddenly brake, you can endanger both you and others! It's similar in a relationship.

When you move too quickly, you fail to see red flags. You make a lot of assumptions without the experience to back it up. Take things slowly so you can see any danger signs. Enjoy the journey of a new relationship and love! Keep in mind that everyone is on their best behavior at the beginning. In the long term, people relax into their natural, habitual selves and this is "the person" you really want to get to know – their authentic self.

#2 Change of venue. When getting to know someone, try to create experiences that involve a variety of activities in different environments. Why? You'll discover behavior patterns, attitudes and, undoubtedly, you'll unearth things you otherwise wouldn't know about your date! Remember the whole idea of dating is to learn about someone to see if they're a good fit for you for the long-term.

Some of your activities should be planned while others should be spontaneous. Participate in formal and informal events. Do things that are just for the two of you and others which involve friends, family and business colleagues.

#3 Observe. It's through observation that you'll begin to surface the seven-eighths of the iceberg. Look at everything going on in your relationship. Listen carefully to how you communicate with each other. How do you feel about him or her? What are their actions and reactions like? Consciously set aside time to mull over the meaning behind what you observe. This is when you'll truly be able to integrate the experience and draw valid conclusions about what's really going on.

#4 Get feedback from others. Make sure to introduce your date to your family and friends. While you may have a biased view of your new love interest, others will be able to provide you with solid, down-to-earth objective feedback. Being in the forest is very different than standing at a distance and seeing the forest for what it is. While you may not enjoy listening to what they have to say, it's in your best interest to thoughtfully consider their observations. Others can see things that you could never and it's these little things that may mean a lot especially if this relationship turns into long-term commitment.

Steer the Course to Relationship Success

What you can't see below the surface and what you don't take the time to see may come back to harm you – mentally, emotionally and sometimes even physically. Take your time. Do your homework. Have fun getting to know someone.

Copyright © 2012 by Tara Kachaturoff and Tara Kachaturoff, LLC. All rights reserved in all media. Used with permission.

Tara KachaturoffTara Kachaturoff is a Master Certified Coach for Singles. Since 2003, she has coached hundreds of single men and women to create better dating relationships through her onsite and teleseminar courses. Tara is also the newsletter editor for the Relationship Coaching Institute (RCI). Her personal site is

Bonus Article:
Your First Date: How to Make it Work!

by Tara Kachaturoff

You're getting ready to go on your first date! You're happy, you're excited and you want it to be a success. Maybe you haven't dated in a while. Perhaps you've broken up with someone in the past year and this is your first journey out – to open your heart to someone new – to learn how to be vulnerable again. In any case, there are some things you can do to make sure it's a success.

First Things First

I don't like to think of a first date as a date. I prefer to view it as an informational "meeting" – a time to get a general sense of things, to gather first impressions and, ultimately, to use it as an experience to determine what you'll do next – set up another date or move on. By redefining this first date as a meeting, it relieves you of a lot of unnecessary stress and anxiety and it allows you to see things more objectively and, thus, more clearly! It also makes it easier to enjoy yourself – and that's the whole point of this anyway, right?

Here are some tips to help keep focused on your purpose and your senses and emotions in check:

#1 Keep your first meeting short

Plan to meet for only 30 to 60 minutes — that's it. Use this time to assess your first impressions – they're actually formulated in less than 4 seconds! View this time as the opportunity to gain an "overview" of the possibilities of a relationship with this person. When you reach that time limit, excuse yourself and leave. Don't allow yourself to be convinced to stay longer. Keep your commitments and you'll be respected and taken much more seriously. You'll have plenty of time to schedule more time together in the future if that is something you both desire.

#2 Keep the conversation "light and easy"

First meetings are not the time or place for discussing your full life history, deep emotional issues or prior relationships. Instead, ask questions about themselves and try to unearth as much as you can about their interests. Pay attention to how the conversation flows. Is it easy and effortless or awkwardly challenging? When you keep it light, it's easier to assess your chemistry and it keeps your head clear to really see the situation for what it is.

#3 Avoid drinking alcohol or eating meals

Keep your senses about you. Schedule your first meeting at some place other than a bar or a venue that serves alcohol. If you can't focus on the other person exclusively, without distractions or other props, then there may not be a good fit. It's important to be able to interact with someone without other distractions so that you can easily separate the person from the environment in which you're meeting. Focus is key to seeing things clearly. People need to like you because of who you are, without the framing of the environment which is very seductive when food and drink play a role. Save the drinking and dining for future meetings – it's more fun that way. Take things slow and enjoy and the journey.

#4 Meet in the morning or afternoon

If you want to keep things light and easy, meet during the light of day. Evening meetups will change the entire ambiance and seriousness of the meeting and may distort your perception of the person and the experience. Reserve evening meetings for the future. You'll both enjoy these moments much more once you're further along in the relationship.

#5 Dress casually

Be yourself. Dress in your regular everyday attire. Don't overdo it with accessories or anything else that's distracting. In fact, avoid accessories unless they blend in naturally. Avoid colognes and perfumes. Many people are allergic to these and they may cut a date short, without telling you, because they are becoming ill from the scent you're wearing. If things go well, you'll have plenty of time in the future for wearing your finest clothing. Save some of the mystery and excitement for the future. Again, you want others to see you as your authentic self – not something contrived or made up in an unnatural way.

#6 Ask questions and then listen carefully

Avoid talking a lot about yourself. Use this meeting to ask questions that reflect some of your most important relationship requirements. Be subtle, yet clear, and then listen to his or her responses. Relationship requirements are your non-negotiable "must-haves" -- the existence of which are necessary for you to be in a relationship in the first place. Remember, if he or she doesn't fit with even one of your requirements, then this person is not right for you.

#7 Safety first

Make sure to tell a friend or family member about any meetings you have with new potential dates. Provide them with detailed information about who you'll be meeting, where and when. Also, when you get back from your meeting, let them know that you're home and safe. This isn't meant to scare you, however we do live in a society where everyone – men and women -- need to be smart about personal safety.

Dating Success is Up to You

These simple tips will help make your first meeting a success and hopefully the beginning of many more to come. When you keep things light and easy, you make it less stressful for both of you. Furthermore, it allows you to see the person in a more authentic way without a lot of unnecessary distractions.

First impressions are very important and, as mentioned previously, are formed within seconds. Pay attention to how you feel before, during and after the date. Your energy level will provide important feedback as to whether this person will energize or drain you. You're not going to need to go on dozens of dates to determine if this person is worth getting to know better. Instead, open your eyes and ears and observe and listen. First and foremost, enjoy yourself and have fun!

Copyright © 2012 by Tara Kachaturoff and Tara Kachaturoff, LLC. All rights reserved in all media. Used with permission.

Tara KachaturoffTara Kachaturoff is a Master Certified Coach for Singles. Since 2003, she has coached hundreds of single men and women to create better dating relationships through her onsite and teleseminar courses. Tara is also the newsletter editor for the Relationship Coaching Institute (RCI). Her personal site is

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