
Ready
to finally find the love of your life? Enjoy our newest online program
for singles from the Relationship Coaching Institute -- Conscious
Dating Virtual Coaching Program.
Proven and tested over 15 years with thousands of singles. Stop
struggling with loneliness and bad dates.
Highly recommended! www.ConsciousDatingProgram.com
Earn
Your Master's or Ph.D. Degre
with Relationship Coaching Institute
Relationship
Coaching Insitute (RCI) has partnered with the Western Institute for
Social Research (WISR)
to allow you to apply all RCI trainings toward a Master
of Arts in Psychology with
an emphasis in Relationship Coaching, and a Ph.D.
in Higher Education and Social Change
with an emphasis in Relationship Coaching. For more information go to: http://relationshipcoachinginstitute.com/wisrinfo.html
"I
want to date several people at the same time.... Do I really need to
disclose this...?"
This column answers
questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to Tara@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com
who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue,
we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.
Dear Coaches,
I want to date several people at the same time to get to know them
better -- before I really get serious. There's definitely the
possibility of becoming sexually intimate. Do I really need to disclose
this to others? I don't really feel it's anyone's business, but what do
you think? I want to keep my options open until I find someone I really
connect with.
Jenna
Ann
responds …
Dating multiple people is
certainly ok to do; in fact, dating a variety of people can be fun! It
becomes dicey when you have multiple sexual partners. Here are a few
things to keep in mind:
Get
Tested. Be sure you're not
carrying any STDs, and not putting potential partners at risk.
Use
Protection. In the heat of
the moment, many singles make poor decisions about protection,
particularly when chemistry is combined with a few chocolate martinis.
Don't
Lie. Don't mislead anyone
into thinking you're exclusive when you're not. If the topic comes up,
simply say you're not looking for that right now. If you're asked point
blank, you can soften it by saying something like, "I'm not thinking
about a monogamous relationship right now."
Turn
About Is Fair Play. Do not
get upset if you find out that one of your multiple dates is also
seeing someone else. Remember what's good for the goose is good for the
gander.
A final word –
women tend to become emotionally attached to their sexual partners. Be
sure you don't cloud your emotions or confuse yourself by becoming
attached to more than one person. Be careful not to break your own
heart.
Ann Robbins | www.lifeworksmatchmaking.com
| 1.954.561.4498
Marian
responds ...
I see that you want a
serious relationship with someone who you can really connect to. If you
become sexually intimate during your search, it will be important to be
transparent with your prospects. Non-disclosure of sensitive
information is often perceived as deception.
If honesty is one of your values, non-disclosure will be incongruent
with your values and will cause confusion within yourself and the
people you date. You will be sending the message, at least
energetically, that you aren't serious.
It is a great idea to
keep your options open and date a number of people before settling
down. Please remember that sexual intimacy and getting to know someone
are two different things. Your time would be better spent in becoming
crystal clear about what you are looking for in a partner.
First, carefully
determine your values, needs and goals, then make a list of the values
and characteristics you are looking for in a partner. Include anything
that is non-negotiable, such as a prospect who isn't looking for a
committed relationship. Patience and a laser focus on who you are
looking for will bring you your ideal prospects.
Marian
Meade | 1.918.508.7621
Kathleen
responds ...
Disclosure is about
emotional vulnerability and can be difficult, especially in new
relationships where building trust is new.
Here are a few guidelines
to consider. Never misrepresent yourself. While it may be okay to not
say some things that you know to be true (i.e. withhold information),
it is not okay to be dishonest or deceive.
No one should assume
sexual exclusivity; that needs to be explicitly agreed upon. It is
important to discuss relevant sexual histories with new sexual
partners. That includes talking about last STD screenings, and if
either of you have any non-curable STDs (i.e. HIV, HPV, herpes,
hepatitis B). It is also important to discuss whether you have had
unprotected intercourse (vaginal or anal) during the last 3 months.
When people don't discuss their sexual histories they put themselves at
risk.
People can't consent to
something they aren't informed about. It is unfair to withhold
information about risks of STDs; withholding information about HIV is
illegal in many states, if you expose another to risk of infection.
So long as you don't
promise anything you can't deliver, or withhold information pertaining
to potential harm, you can be mysterious and see others.
Kathleen
Baldwin | www.tellkathleenanything.com
Doris
responds ...
Mixing hormones (having
sex) with several people can concoct a nauseating stew of
incompatibility. Example: We often read that chemicals released during
orgasm create a 28-day craving to bond in women but only a 2-3 day
craving to bond in men. On day three, men complain, "She's needy!"
Women instinctively moan, "He's abandoning me!" when the guy shifts
from bonding to a search for new adventure.
This is exasperating
enough after sex with a single partner. If you have sex with multiple
partners, you can create a mass of confusion and clashes driven by your
hormones.
It would be immensely
helpful if you could control your hormones. Unfortunately, you carry
most of the same programming that propelled your feminine ancestors
during the cave-dwelling days. Their short lifespans instinctively
compelled them to mate for survival of the species.
The women's liberation
movement produced many social freedoms. We know we're equal to men. We
can achieve just about anything we're committed to. Alas, these shifts
in personal freedom and confidence lack the power to alter our DNA and
innate sexual chemistry.
Hire a relationship
coach. We help you smoothly navigate your natural instincts and
discover how to create the love life you want!
Doris
Helge, Ph.D. | www.CoachingByDoris.com
| 1.360.748.4365
Katherin
responds ...
I commend you on dating
more than one man at a time as you are searching for your life partner,
however, I do not recommend being sexually intimate with more than one
person at a time -- anytime.
While kissing and
canoodling is fun and a nice way to get to know someone, I suggest you
focus more on the qualities you desire for your perfect mate. Get
really good at pre-qualifying and disqualifying your dates based on
your specific requirements.
I recommend you date
three to four men at a time. Screen them for your non-negotiable
required qualities, then move on to others if these men don't meet your
requirements.
Once you meet a man whom you believe meets your desired qualities and
the feeling is mutual, have a conversation about being exclusive so you
can learn more about one another without the distraction of other
people. Then you can explore one another more intimately.
Bottom line, be safe.
STDs are still on the rise. Never put yourself or anyone else at risk
unnecessarily.
Katherin
Scott, MA | www.katherinscott.com
| 1.425.681.2620
Lisa
responds ...
Keeping your options open
until you find a connection is wise and in your best interests. Having
choices helps keep you clear and can slow down becoming intensely
involved with one person too soon. But dating is not a singular
activity. The choices you make affect not only yourself but others as
well. So, it is reasonable, and thoughtful, to divulge that you are
dating more than one person. This information will likely weed out
those for whom this approach is uncomfortable or disagreeable.
Your honesty will enable
other parties to know your terms up front and agree to them --or not.
Also, the reactions you get will give you a lot of information about
your prospects in terms of their sense of urgency, maturity and even
confidence.
As for physical intimacy,
potential health implications alone (because there are some diseases
you can catch from contact without intercourse) call for alerting
others if you've decided to have sex with one of your dates. On this
note, informed consent is appropriate. And remember, talk about this
sooner rather than later to prevent others from feeling mislead.
Lisa
Manyoky | www.maverickinspired.com
How to Find the
Perfect Mate
by David Steele, Founder,
Relationship Coaching Institute
Believe it or not,
finding your perfect mate is completely possible. But if you don't
believe this, stop reading here, because the most important principle
for success in anything is, "What you believe you can achieve."
Here are the precise five
steps you can take to find
your perfect mate:
Step
One: Allow yourself to be single
Sounds paradoxical, but
if you want to find your perfect mate you must not be involved with
people that aren't a good fit for you. Staying available (and single)
can be hard, but necessary for finding the love of your life. Let your
motto be "'I'd rather be single than settle!"
Step
Two: Get ready
Wanting a relationship is
not the same as being ready for one. Handle any unfinished business
that might sabotage your future relationship -- legal, financial,
emotional baggage, kid issues, problems with your former partners,
school or job demands, etc. It would be a tragedy to finally find your
soul mate, only to have the relationship bomb because you weren't ready.
Step
Three: Identify your top deal-breakers
You have non-negotiable
relationship deal-breakers. What are they? Vow not to get involved with
anyone that doesn't meet all of them.
Step
Four: Find your perfect mate by following these Four Steps for
Conscious Dating:
* Scouting (find
compatible people to meet; on the internet, through friends, etc)
* Sorting (assess chemistry and quickly determine if someone you meet
has potential)
* Screening (collect enough data to identify any possible relationship
deal-breakers)
* Testing (date a few times and compare the reality with the data)
Implement these four steps as long as it takes to find your perfect
mate (don't worry; it will happen faster than you think).
Step
Five: Get support
Don't do this alone.
Dating can be scary and isolating. Get a coach and lean on your friends
and family for support to stay on track.
This is the most
important relationship and journey of your life. Finding your perfect
mate requires developing yourself and your life so that you're ready to
attract and keep the love of your life. Be proactive and go after what
you want instead of waiting for it to come to you, or hoping it will
just "happen." Now, go for it!
David
Steele, MA. LMFT is
founder of Relationship Coaching Institute and author of the
ground-breaking book for singles, Conscious
Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life in Today's World.
For more information visit www.consciousdating.com
Michelle E.
Vásquez
What is keeping you from
finding Mr. Right? You have written your checklist for your ideal man.
You have worked on your flirting skills. You put yourself out there at
least once a week to get noticed so you can attract your dream man.
Still, he has not shown up and you are getting discouraged. What is
going on?
1. You
have written your checklist.
You may even have it memorized. You know what your dream man looks
like, how tall he is, how he dresses, what color eyes and hair he has,
and how he treats you. Your list of the behavioral characteristics of
your ideal man is long and detailed. You would know him instantly if
you saw him across a crowded room.
The problem is that you
have focused so much on how you want him to look and behave that you
have not worked on yourself. If you are not the woman who can attract
this man, shift your priorities and work on becoming the woman who will
attract a man of quality.
2. You
have worked on your flirting skills. Flirting
is a great communication skill. Good for you for recognizing this and
working on making yourself attractive by learning to be playful and
fun!
Do you know when to turn
on the flirting and when to tone it down or shift to another mode, like
being serious? Do you hide behind your flirting skills to avoid being
real? Is your flirting light and playful or is it too thick with sexual
innuendo? Sometimes when first learning a new skill it is easy to
overdo it. It is always a good idea to get an opinion from a trusted
friend who has observed your flirting in action.
3. You
put yourself out there at least once a week. Great!
Where are you going to attract your quality man? The pool you swim in
will determine who you connect with. If you are hanging out in bars,
you will attract other people who hang out in bars. They could be the
nicest people in the world. Or they could be alcoholics. Or chronic
singles who have no intention of ever forming a lasting relationship.
Try
this out: decide on
something you would like to do that you may have never done. Does this
activity draw both men and women? Even better. Decide to do this
activity at least once a week. It could be anything: golf, ballroom
dance lessons, martial arts, painting classes, speed dating, racket
ball, bungee jumping, etc. For some great ideas, go to Meetup.com and
join some local groups.
If you want to get
crystal clear about your dating goals, relationship coaching can help.
Copyright ©2010
by Michelle E. Vásquez. All rights reserved in all media.
Used with permission.
Michelle E.
Vásquez, MS, LPC,
is an RCI Relationship Coach who helps singles and couples attract the
life they want and create the relationships that bring them joy. She
specializes in working with couples who are experiencing relationship
difficulties as well as with singles who want to find the love of their
life. Bilingual, English and Spanish speaking. www.trueloverelationshipcoaching.com
1.714.717.5744
Conscious
Dating Audio Programs
Visit our website at relationshipcoachinginstitute.com
for cutting-edge information and tools for finding the love of your
life, including:
Listen to outstanding audio programs such as "Find the Love of Your
Life AND The Life That You Love" and "Conscious Dating for Relationship
Success"
Access our Knowledge Bank for innovative relationship tools, strategies
and concepts
Get a Relationship Coach!
Check out our coaches at: www.relationshipcoach.org
For More
Information
Are
you a coach or other helping professional who works with singles and
couples? If you want to know more about adding the Conscious Dating
Relationship Coaching tools to your professional toolbox, visit relationshipcoachinginstitute.com
Please share this newsletter with your single
friends, family, and
co-workers, and you can be a partner in their success, too!
Links to Us
Contact
Tara
Kachaturoff | Editor, Conscious
Dating Newsletter for Singles Tara@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com
________________________________________
Visit our resource
catalog for singles at relationshipcoachinginstitute.com/resourcecatalog.htm
Relationship Coaching
Institute
Free introductory training! relationshipcoachinginstitute.com
To subscribe to this
newsletter and join our free Conscious Dating Online Community
click here
Copyright © 2011 by Relationship Coaching Institute. All
rights reserved. Feel free to share this with others as long as our
contact information and authorship is included.
|