Conscious Relationship Tele-Seminars
"Online Dating Made Easy"
Join us on Thursday, September 16th at 5:00pm pacific/8:00pm eastern for our free Conscious Relationship tele-seminar "Online Dating Made Easy" with RCI Coach Katherin Scott. Discover the 6 steps to transform your online dating profile from common to captivating!
In this program you will learn:
* How to optimize your two-second first impression
* How to write a tempting, get-noticed profile headline
* The best first word in your profile (and why it's not "I")
* How to reduce your time online while attracting quality matches
* What one sentence, if missing, will sabotage your chance for success
* And much more!
For more details and to attend this program via telephone, webcast, or replay access: http://AttendThisEvent.com/?eventid=14748204
Ask Our Coaches:
Are First Impressions the Best Impressions?
"Do you think I should go with my gut
and move on to a more reassuring situation ...?"
This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to Tara@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.
I met a guy who I felt was completely wrong for me – at least initially. For some reason, however, I agreed to see him again – for a second date. Now I've been out with him on three casual dates – all relatively light and simple meetings. My first impression of him wasn't the best; however, now he seems to be growing on me. I've never had much luck going against my intuition, however now I think I'm slowly rationalizing him to myself. Perhaps I didn't give him enough of a chance.
Do you think I should go with my gut and move on to a more reassuring situation -- one that aligns with me on an intuitive level? I want to meet the love of my life so I want to give the men I meet a chance. I just don't know the right balance, if there is one, between first instincts and being open minded. What are your thoughts?
Katrina from Key West
Collette responds …
It's wonderful that you are open minded to giving the men you meet a chance. First dates can be nerve wracking! Any number of things can be said or done that might leave you wondering. To meet the love of your life you must remain open minded and allow people to reveal themselves over time.
The fact this man has begun to grow on you after three dates is promising. However, I would caution you to ask yourself what is it that is growing on you? Is it simply the pleasure of having someone to spend time with? Is it because he is complimentary and makes you feel good about yourself? Or, is it because as you get to know him you are beginning to see that you both share similar values and vision in life?
If he is growing on you because more of his personality is being revealed, and you like what you see, then I would encourage you to continue to go with the flow. The love of your life will be someone with values and traits that you respect and adore. Discovering these things typically takes more than just a few dates.
Colette Kenney | www.colettekenney.com | 1.403.999.9548
Jenna responds …
Hi Katrina, I think it's important for you to know exactly what you're looking for in a partner. I hear you talking a lot about feelings and intuition, but nothing concrete. If you start by being clear with yourself on what you need to be happy in a relationship and with a partner, then you'll know exactly what to look for and won't have to depend solely on intuition or gut instinct.
Figure out what your values are and then find out if this man is in alignment with those values. What kind of future are you looking for? Does he share the same vision? Finding the love of your life isn't something you want to leave to chance, and by answering these questions you will be able to make a conscious choice that will help move you toward to find the right person. Good luck! :)
Jenna Rogers | www.examiner.com/x-14231-SF-Relationship-Improvement-Examiner | 1.408.470.9743
Ann responds …
It sounds like you're trying to talk yourself into seeing someone that you know, in your heart, is not right for you. You are choosing to ignore the red flags, the clues that caused you to feel like he's not the right one when you initially met him.
If you do not have a written list of relationship requirements, this is step one. This list is made up of those non-negotiables, the absolutes, the black-and-whites (no grays), that enable you to determine if someone is right for you. Once you know your requirements, you know whether someone is worth pursuing, as you are able to measure their attributes, behaviors, and values against your requirements.
A relationship coach can definitely help you gain clarity and confidence in this area while creating a life vision and understanding what will or will not work for you in a relationship. In the meantime, go with your gut. Trust your intuition. Your inner voice will never lie to you.
Ann Robbins | www.lifeworksmatchmaking.com | 1.954.561.4498
Sheryl responds …
First, congratulations for being open-minded enough to see him a second time. Evidently, there was something about him that appealed and you felt he was worth another look. I believe that intuition is always right, however, the interpretation can be off. With that in mind, ask yourself what exactly was "completely wrong." Was it physical packaging, personality, or a combination?
Have you identified your relationship requirements and needs, and do you know whether or not he has potential to meet them? Relationship requirements are your non-negotiable deal breakers, and needs, while every bit as important, are negotiable to some extent. All requirements should be met and I also believe to some extent or another, needs should be fully met as well.
A bad first impression may be caused by nervousness, mind clutter, time constraints or any number of reasons -- or it can be an accurate assessment of the person. Perhaps some deeper internal conversation will provide the answers you seek. Be open to meeting others and if you enjoy the time you spend with this man, continue seeing him as well. Intuition is a tool, not a complete answer.
Sheryl Spangler | www.heartandsoulmatchmaking.com | 1.704.281.1561
Randy responds …
Here's the deal. No one is perfect, everyone has their good and bad points, it's always a "package deal," and it takes time to sort out the package.
Therefore you do not need to make an all or nothing decision in the early stages of a relationship. You should be dating several people, evaluating the total package (while they do the same), and time will show you in the end what is best for you.
So it is better to trust "Father Time" than to pretend to be all knowing with a perfect crystal ball. This is too exalted a position to put yourself into. Yes, give him a chance (along with others) and don't be in such a rush!
Randy Hurlburt | www.PartnersinLoveandCrime.com
Online Dating – Let's Get Real or Let's Not Play!
by Ann Robbins
If you're thinking of venturing into the online dating world, or if you're already one of the estimated 40 million + people (in the US alone!) using online dating, here are a few ground rules that will help keep you out of trouble, help you remain in charge of your dating life, and help minimize disappointment while maximizing your chances of success.
I have one basic rule for profiles. I always tell my clients, "You have to know all you tell, but you do not have to tell all you know." In other words, everything you say must be true, and known by you to be accurate. However, you do not have to give every single detail of information. Some things are best left for later conversation or correspondence.
Let's begin with "Know All You Tell." According to Scientific American magazine, 90 percent of people lie in their online dating profiles! These lies range from small, little white lies to blatant exaggerations and false representations. Women tend to lie about their age, weight, and body type, often deducting as much as 20 pounds and 10+ years. Men tend to lie about their height, age, income, and marital status.
Write your profile with accuracy and remember you want to attract someone who will love you for who you are today – not who you'd like them to think you are, or someone you think will make you more attractive, sexy, and interesting. You are who you are and you want that special someone to love the whole you. Not the fictional you.
Your essay questions give you the opportunity to talk about yourself in an interesting and intriguing way. Avoid negativity. Don't say things like, "If you're into games, don't contact me". Always remember, like attracts like. If you're negative and angry in your profile, you will attract angry and negative people to you.
Avoid all the common clichés – walks on the beach at sunset, having a glass of wine on the balcony overlooking the cityscape, romantic dinners, snuggling with your honey on the sofa – please! Get creative! Make a list of the things you like to do, what makes you an interesting person, what your friends think is really great about you. Incorporate the points into a well-written narrative -- don't simply post the list!
Begin your sentences with things like, "My favorite thing to do on the weekend is …," or "People tell me I am …," or, "One of the things I look forward to is …." Just make sure it's you. Use a little humor if you can, and show a little spark to your personality. If you're stuck, one way to get started is to read other online profiles. You may get a few ideas. You will also probably be amazed how many of them say the same thing. Don't fall into that common trap. Be unique. Be you.
Along those lines – of being unique and being yourself -- let's consider the photo/s you post. First of all, if you want more action, post at least one current photo (yes, I did say current). There is nothing worse than the dark-haired, slim gentleman who arrives for the date bald and overweight, or the petite, attractive size 6 woman who shows up 20 pounds and 20 years later. Let's face it – if you've done any online dating, this has probably happened to you. So please, don't be that person!
Photos should consist of, at the very least, a headshot and a full body shot. Statistics show having friends, pets, children, and cut-out-ex's hurt rather than help. For women, it's best if you make eye contact with the camera. No sunglasses or hats, but do have a big smile.
For men, it's OK not to make eye contact with the camera. But no sunglasses – and preferably, no facial hair. Sorry guys – most women don't like it. (I'm not talking about the 2-day growth. I'm talking about the 2-year growth!) Think about the message you want to send. Outdoors or indoors? Work or play? Skin or no skin? Cleavage? Abs? Be careful. Try a variety of settings. The goal of the photos is to capture the essence of who you are and create interest. And remember -- your primary photo should be a winning headshot!
Communicating with Potential Matches
Once you begin communicating with potential matches, again, it is important to be clear, honest and forthright. But, here is definitely where the "Don't Tell All You Know" comes in. Be careful not to disclose too much information. Do not give out your personal or private information. Do not disclose your children's names, or where they go to school. Do not disclose where you work, or what car you drive. And never, never, never give out your home address, your home phone, or your full name, date of birth, or other identifying information.
Sound paranoid? Consider this: It is estimated that one out of ten users of online dating sites are scammers! And, very alarming, one out of ten sex offenders reportedly admits to using online dating to meet people. If you don't believe anything else, believe this – the internet allows anyone to be anyone. Approach with caution.
I am a believer in lots of email communication prior to meeting someone. You can learn a lot about someone and whether or not they are a fit for you via email, thus saving precious time and avoiding disappointment. Ask questions that relate to your relationship requirements. For example, if you want to get married and have children, it would be a waste of your time to begin dating someone who has no interest in either.
Determine the areas of your life that are most important to you and ask questions surrounding these areas. For example, if health and fitness are very important to you, ask about your potential match's diet and exercise habits. Begin your questions with a soft approach so your potential match doesn't feel like you're grilling him or her. "Tell me about ...," or "What do you think about ... " are nice ways to start a question.
Meeting New People
Once you've made it to the in-person meeting, all the safety rules apply. Always remember, regardless of what you think you've learned so far, you are meeting a total stranger, so be careful. If you decide to go for additional dates, go slowly. It's not a race! There is no urgency to give out your address or other personal information. Done correctly, you will know within the first few dates if someone is not right for you which will avoid wasting time and energy, as well as disappointment.
In spite of it all, internet dating can be fun. It's definitely a great way to meet people you otherwise would not have the opportunity to meet. You can make new friends, expand your social circle, and who knows … you might just wind up as one of the many people who meet their match online!
Copyright ©2010 by Ann Robbins. All rights reserved in all media. Used with permission.
Ann Robbins is founder and president of "LifeWorks Matchmaking," a professional matchmaking and relationship coaching firm. She is a Certified Professional Matchmaker, a member of the Professional Matchmaking Network through the Matchmaking Institute of New York and a professional Relationship Coach through the Relationship Coaching Institute. www.lifeworksmatchmaking.com 1.954.561.4498
Love Stoppers: Not My Type
by Michelle E. Vásquez
Love Stoppers are limiting beliefs that keep you from finding and keeping love. They are the viruses that infect your mind, making all of your positive affirmations ineffective until you get serious and make the decision to get rid of them.
When you automatically dismiss a potential date as "not my type" you are allowing a love stopper to get in your way. While it is perfectly acceptable to have preferences, when you define your "type" too narrowly, you block the possibility of meeting someone outside of this narrow focus who may be a great match for you.
First of all, it is very important to figure out where your preferences come from:
- What age were you when you decided who you were attracted to?
- If you were a teenager, does your preference still fit for you as someone in your 30's or older?
- Did someone else tell you her/his type and you adopted this type as your own?
- What was happening during the time of your life when you decided on your "type"?
- If you only date outside your race or culture, why is that?
- If you are only attracted to a very specific body type, how did that come about?
Once you have figured out your type and hopefully updated it to include where you are now, you can see what the range of your type is.
Start with this exercise:
If you were blind, how would your type be different, given that you could not use physical characteristics as a criterion, or even how someone dresses?
Now that you have taken away the physical, you have had to look at behaviors. It is important to understand what behaviors you can and cannot accept.
What kinds of behaviors are absolute deal breakers for you? Which of these deal breaking behaviors do you engage in yourself?
These are just a few things to think about as you take a look at your limiting beliefs and how they might be influencing your choice of mate.
Copyright ©2010 by by Michelle E. Vásquez. All rights reserved in all media. Used with permission.
Michelle E. Vásquez, MS, LPC, is a RCI Relationship Coach who helps singles and couples attract the life they want and create the relationships that bring them joy. She specializes in working with couples who are experiencing relationship difficulties as well as with singles who want to find the love of their life. Bilingual, English and Spanish speaking. www.trueloverelationshipcoaching.com 1.714.717.5744
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