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Are you serious?
I'm concerned that he hasn't shown signs
of being in a committed relationship. "
This column answers
questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to Tara@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com
who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. In each issue,
we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.
I met a guy two months ago and we've been casually dating. We go out 3
times per week and always spend great weekends together doing fun
things around town. He's a successful businessman in our community and
says he's looking to get married and settle down. He's 36. I'm 28 and a
business owner. We met through a popular online dating site. We have a
lot in common, including our religious interests -- important to both
of us; philanthropy -- we're involved in several of the same charities,
and other activities. We're having a great time.
There's no question we're
attracted to each other, but I have one question. He said he's never
had a serious girlfriend, yet now he wants to get serious -- in that he
says he's ready to start a family. I'm just not sure what this means
for me, for him, or for us. I haven't probed as to what "serious"
actually means, however I know he hasn't been engaged and he hasn't
dated anyone more than a year and a half.
Am I a fool to think that
things might work out with me? Is this a red flag? Should I give him a
chance? I'm just not sure how to approach this situation. We seem like
such a perfect fit, but I'm concerned that he hasn't shown signs of
being in a committed relationship. What types of questions should I ask
without being too invasive? How should I proceed? I'm just not sure
what to do.
Michelle from Malibu
Good for you in proactively handling your life!
Your intuitive hesitancy is working well in your favor and is guiding
you. Even in our instant generation, two months is generally not enough
time to decide upon a future with someone you just met, although the
two of you seem to have hit it off well and enjoy spending time
together. The questions you raise regarding his dating history aren't
necessarily a red flag, but certainly areas in which you have cause to
be concerned. His brief past relationships may indicate a lack of
dating skills and not necessarily boredom on his part. This is a great
topic to explore before becoming involved.
For relationships to grow and flourish, open, honest communication
should be a primary tool in your relationship toolbox. By all means
discuss his version of "serious" as well as come to an understanding of
what you want. Rushing exclusivity at this early juncture may backfire.
You have plenty of time to get to know him well. Also bear in mind that
in a conscious relationship, no questions nor topics are considered too
sensitive or invasive; what's sensitive is the manner in which the
subjects are addressed.
Mari Lyles |
Kudos to you for not
throwing caution to the wind when it would be so easy to do so. It's
perfectly reasonable to have open and direct communication with this
man by asking him what his definition of "serious" is. You can even ask
what has prevented him from being serious in the past.
Also, even though things seem to be moving along nicely, 2 months does
seem like an awfully short time to be talking about starting a family.
I certainly don't think you'd be a fool to think it could work out with
this man, but take it slow. Let time tell if he is capable of being in
a serious relationship that is satisfying and fulfilling for you both.
Jenna Rogers |
Congratulations! It sounds like you are still in the early stages of
the dating relationship and things are going well. I understand that
you may be skeptical about the fact that he hasn't been in a serious
relationship. Keep in mind that there could be many reasons for that. I
wouldn't let that be a deterrent, unless he's showing other signs that
are causing you concern. It's possible he was waiting for the right
person. Maybe, he feels like he's ready now and you're the one he's
been looking for.
I do sense that it would be helpful for both of you to have a better
understanding of how you interpret the word "serious." I think you are
wise to stay conscious of the situation. Take a look at your vision for
your relationship. If you don't have one get some help from a
Relationship Coach. It will help you stay focused on what is important
If there are no other concerns, don't be afraid to move forward in this
relationship. You don't have to rush into anything. You can continue to
date and have fun until you are sure this is the right relationship for
Liz Reed | www.justbelievecoaching.com
It is exciting to find someone who you are really attracted to and
where the feeling is mutual. This is rare and should be cherished.
However, it is impossible to tell after only 2 months whether this is
real or not. You (and he) are still in the middle of the infatuation
period. You need to slow yourself down! It is too soon to think that
"things might work out" with anyone after only two months.
The way to tell if this relationship will last more than 1.5 years is
to give it 2.5 years and see if things are still good. That way you
will know if his attraction level is stronger than his fear.
The problem here is your fear. You are so strongly attracted that you
are extremely afraid. This is normal. The solution is for you to not
get too serious too fast. Let him know you are interested and that you
want to take things slowly and are not ready for a commitment. That
will increase his interest (men like a challenge), and will give you
the chance to see if he can stick with you even when things don't go
exactly his way.
Hurlburt | www.PartnersinLoveandCrime.com
When men are in their 20s, they are what I describe as Knights,
adventuring the world, slaying dragons, having fun. If he is in a
relationship usually it is with someone he can adventure with. If a
woman wants to settle down with him she might get her feelings hurt,
because he's not ready.
When men enter their 30s they enter the Prince stage and start to build
their kingdom, often painfully aware that they don't have it already.
At this point, he'll put his nose to the grindstone and start building.
Some men want their partner at the beginning of this process and others
want to wait until their kingdom is built.
Your man seems to be in the Prince stage and has set the foundation for
welcoming a partner. He's clearly looking for his wife. If you've been
clear about what your requirements, needs and wants, and he fits what
you are looking for, I would let go of any fears about him not having
been in a "serious" relationship in the past, and explore the
possibilities with him.
Kimi Avary | www.BulletproofWoman.com
by Sheryl Spangler and
professionals, clients regularly ask us how they can tell if they are
in love. If you were to ask 100 people, you would likely get 100
different answers. Attempting to define the emotion of love with words
is like trying to catch water with your hands—just when you
think you have articulated all there is to it, it slips through your
fingers. Let's give it a try though.
Here are some of the ways love is commonly defined: infatuation, a
great sexual connection, feelings of exhilaration, passion and elation,
an inability to eat and sleep and concentrate, butterflies and stomach
swirls. Dictionary.com defines love as "a profoundly tender, passionate
affection for another person." One of the more memorable definitions
we've seen is "a little itch on the heart that you can't scratch!"
However you define love, most agree that it's a wonderful feeling, and
once they experience it, they want to keep it. So, here is our best
advice on how to attract love with the right person and when you do,
how to increase your chances of maintaining a loving relationship.
1. Know who you are,
what's important to you, what you must have in a relationship for it to
work for you, and where you are willing to negotiate.
2. Look for people who connect
regarding values, lifestyle, family, interests, etc. Your differences
should create balance, not dissension. Keep in mind that sometimes, the
very differences that initially draw you together can be the same ones
that ultimately tear you apart.
3. Try not to get intimate
too early in the relationship. Often a sexual relationship and strong
chemistry can cloud judgment and compromise objectivity.
4. Don't get into an exclusive
relationship too quickly.
There should be a period of time—a "cooling off"
period—where your head has a chance to catch up with your
heart. We recommend at least 90 days.
5. Slow down.
If you have an overwhelming sense of urgency, you might give off an
unpleasant odor of desperation.
6. Look honestly for red
flags. When you find one,
dig for more. Don't close your eyes to bothersome traits and troubling
issues that arise just to keep the relationship going. They will likely
rear their heads again, and you will have to contend with them anyway.
7. Be authentically
who you are,
right from the beginning. If you try to change yourself to suit
whomever you are dating, then be prepared for the consequences of that
deception when the "real you" shows up, usually under stress or after
the early infatuation phase quiets down a bit. If who you really are
doesn't appeal to your date, wouldn't you rather know that right away?
If you have to suppress or exaggerate personality traits, behavior,
opinion or even style of dress in order to keep a person in your life,
odds are great that relationship won't last.
8. Love should be easy. If
it's too much like work, it's not working.
9. Expect challenges
and be committed to working through them knowing full well the payoff
will be great.
10. Be sure that you have concluded old relationship business and are
clear about why past relationships did not work. Learn
the lesson and don't repeat
11. If you continue to be attracted to the same types of people and
those relationships have failed, stop and take a hard look at why you
are drawn to that personality type. Then be open-minded
and try a different
personality type on for size to see if you can connect. You may be
12. Relax and enjoy the
Relationship experts agree—love has a better chance of
surviving when two people are clear about who they are, what they need,
where they're going in life and, very importantly, when they
communicate that information to their partner openly and honestly.
If a love relationship is built upon a foundation of honesty, trust and
communication, it has a better chance to survive the test of time.
Remember though, just because you capture the prize does not mean you
should put your feet up and coast. Relationships move and change, so
regular attention and care is essential in order for them to thrive.
When you find a relationship that makes your heart full, cherish the
splendor of it all and handle with care.
is a RCI Certified Relationship Coach for Singles, Life Coach,
Matchmaker and certified DiSC behavioral consultant, helping mature
singles prepare for and find lasting long-term relationships. www.heartandsoulmatchmaking.com
is a Certified Life Coach, Relationship Coach and trained in DiSC,
helping mid-life adults to successfully navigate the processes of
separation, divorce and dating. www.maverickinspired.com
Copyright ©2010 by Sheryl Spangler and Lisa Manyoky. All
Rights Reserved for all media.
by Michelle E.
If you are Single and
over 30, you probably don't look forward to going to bars and night
clubs as a strategy to meet someone special. Don't get me wrong; you
may enjoy bars and night clubs when you go with your friends and the
only expectation is to have a good time together. It's just not your
idea of a great place to meet your soul mate.
What alternatives do you
have? Quite a few, actually. First of all, think about things you
really enjoy doing. What are your interests, hobbies, and passions? I
have to put in a plug here for Meetup groups. If you've never heard of
Meetup, check it out online. Go to Meetup.com, pick an
interest, type it in along with your zip code, and you're likely to
discover that someone out there with your same interest has formed a
group. (If you type in "singles" you will find a number of singles
groups in your area.)
Any kind of group that
gets together to talk, take action, play, or exercise is a potential
venue for you to meet quality singles. Here's a short list of some
places and events to get you thinking:
• Religious groups
• Political organizations
• Book clubs
• Art galleries
• The theater
• Birthday parties, or any kind of party (you could host one
and tell your friends to bring another Single friend)
• Singles events
• Dance classes (rotating partners allows you to meet many
people in one hour)
• Athletic clubs
• Yoga classes
• Community college continuing education classes
• Art classes of all kinds
• Networking events
• Hiking/outdoors groups
• Town meetings
Even if your hobbies are
solitary, you can find creative ways to meet others who also enjoy
those solitary activities. If you love to read, join a book club. Get
creative and you will realize very quickly that there are so many ways
to meet quality singles. Of course, you must venture out of your front
door to meet them.
Copyright ©2010 by Michelle E. Vásquez. All Rights
Reserved for all media.
LPC, is an RCI Relationship Coach who helps singles and couples attract
the life they want and create the relationships that bring them joy.
She specializes in working with couples who are experiencing
relationship difficulties as well as with singles who want to find the
love of their life. Bilingual, English and Spanish speaking. www.trueloverelationshipcoaching.com
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Kachaturoff | Editor,
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