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July 2010

In this issue:

Relationship Coaching Institute

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Conscious Relationship Resources

Conscious Relationship Seminars and Podcast

Frankie Doiron
President & CEO
Relationship Coaching Institute

David Steele
David Steele
Relationship Coaching Institute

Tara Kachaturoff - Photo
Tara Kachaturoff
Editor | Conscious Dating News

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Conscious Dating book

Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life in Today's World

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Conscious Dating Virtual Coaching Program

The Communication Map

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Practical, effective, and affordable conflict resolution tool for personal and professional relationships

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Conscious Relationship Tele-Seminars

"Exciting and Successful Love Relationships"  

Join us on Thursday, July 15th at 8:00 pm eastern for our free Conscious Relationship tele-seminar "Exciting and Successful Love Relationships" with RCI Coach Randy Hurlburt. Discover how to find and build extraordinary love relationships.

In this program you will learn:

* Why chemistry is important

* Why chemistry isn't everything

* How to predict the future of a relationship

* How long to wait for a relationship to blossom

* Why, when and how to break the rules

For more details and to attend this program, click here: 

Ask Our Coaches: 

"... how do I communicate this in a
way that isn't so forward?"

This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.

Dear Coaches,

I'm in my mid-thirties and have never been married. I've dated here and there but really haven't clicked with the right woman. With my career established, I'm ready for the next step. Now I want to get married and have a family. I know that sounds goal-oriented and all about me -- and it is in many ways. I'm very clear about what I want and the type of person I'm looking for. I'm not shy about what I want, however, I'm not necessarily the best when it comes to communicating what I want in that I tend towards being right to the point. How do I date with my objectives in mind and without being offensive?

I hate to just say I'm looking for the woman of my dreams or something like that. I am doing that, but also I want a life companion, wife, and mother to our future children and I don't want anyone to misunderstand what I'm looking for. My question - how do I communicate this in a way that isn't so forward? I want to find the love of my life, but I do have a goal in mind. I want to start with online dating so perhaps some thoughts on communicating what I want online might also be helpful. Any thoughts?

Anthony from Ann Arbor

Lisa responds …

Clarity is an asset, not a liability! There is nothing wrong with having a goal-oriented dating agenda. Actually, it's ideal. You will behave very differently as a man seeking marriage and a family when compared to a man looking to date recreationally. Communicating your goal up front functions as a sorting mechanism.

Women in search of marriage will pay more attention than those who want only casual companionship. Saying you want "the woman of your dreams" is vague. If you want a "companion, wife and mother," then be direct. The latter description will appeal to a woman who shares your agenda. Also, if being direct is your style, a woman who appreciates this style may be a better fit.

Most online dating sites give you an obvious space to indicate the type of relationship you prefer. Some sites even have options within the master site geared toward a target audience, such as those looking for marriage, just dating or even intimate encounters. Your online profile can expand upon your ideals. It is perfectly appropriate to explain why you chose to establish your career first, why you're ready for marriage, and what you ultimately desire in a partner.

Lisa Manyoky | | 609.890.6645

Jenna responds ...

It's great that you know exactly what type of woman you're looking for. In order to not "scare off" a potential partner, remember that you don't have to give it all away on the first date. It's great to communicate your intentions, but instead of sharing it right away, try to wait until after a few dates, when things start progressing.

In your online profile write what you wrote in your question -- that you're looking for a long-lasting relationship and that you'd like to eventually start a family. Also include that you look forward to getting to know them and to seeing what unfolds. Using words like "eventually" will let the women know what your intention is and that you don't expect it right away.

Jenna Rogers | 408.470.9743 |

Mari responds …

Your desire to get married and raise a family is a natural progression and, of course, it's about you as it should be. Knowing exactly what you want puts you miles ahead of most people. You've already started on the path to Conscious Dating without necessarily knowing it. So far, you're doing everything right. What's left is sorting, screening and testing.

Since you're contemplating online dating, by all means be specific in your profile and emphasize the type of values and personality you're looking for. That way, you will have winnowed out a number of women you wouldn't be interested in.

As far as communication and compatibility are concerned, the best step is to be authentic in all your conversations and actions with whomever you meet. You needn't announce you're looking for the woman of your dreams. As you date various women, assess them carefully to see if they meet the criteria you've established for your "dream lady." Notice if their interests, requirements, wants, temperament, and outlook on life reflect your own values and desires.

Mari Lyles | 301.249.0979

Doris responds …

Was your career success instant? Or was it a journey of self-discovery in which you clarified your needs, talents and goals? Finding your ideal mate is similar. Even if you think you're ready to identify your life companion, you'll save time and avoid heartache by elevating your self-awareness.

What are your values? What's most important to you in a relationship? What do you most want to share? What would you like your new "team" to stand for?

Since the most fulfilling relationships evolve from friendships based on shared interests and values, identify an interest you'd like to explore. Start living a new life story today. At the same time, inform your social networks that you're interested in meeting new people. If your intention is to get to know other people with fascination, learning about yourself and human nature, you'll set yourself up for genuine connections.

Instead of worrying about how to state your goal to marry, this new focus will shift your communication toward an authentic, enduring relationship. Live a fulfilling life as a single. You'll attract a partner who wants to share from wholeness instead of expecting you to meet their needs.

Doris Helge, Ph.D. | | 360.748.4365

Jill responds ...

I'd like to commend you for being clear on your "goals" and asking for support on how to articulate this in a way that will not scare away your potential beloved. Prioritizing your "deal breakers," making sure you are truly coming from the heart and not just the head, may help you to attract not only your "ideal partner," but also your true soul mate.

To appear less demanding and selfish about what you want, perhaps you might consider saying something like this in your online profile:

"With a secure career in place, I'm now at a point in my life where I am ready to attract my true soul mate, my lifetime partner; one whom I can cherish as my best friend, lover, sister, wife and mother of our children." (note the semantic sequence)

When scouting and sorting through your prospective partners, remember to be mindful of order of your priorities - both verbally and non-verbally. Focus on WHO you wish to love, not just WHAT she's willing to do. A woman will not feel you are being selfish about wanting her children, if she feels she will be unconditionally loved and cherished by you, first and foremost.

Jill Marie Hungerford | | 650.930.0892

Smart Dating Tips

by Tara Kachaturoff

If you want to be more successful at dating, you need knowledge and skills. With a little forethought and planning, you can have more fun, enjoy the process, and possibly meet the love of your life. Here are some dating tips to help you get started.

1. Plan for success. Why do you want to date? What type of relationship do you want? What's the vision for your life? What are your relationship requirements, needs, and wants? These are just some of the things you need to explore before you begin the journey of finding the love of your life. The clearer you are about who and what you want, the easier it will be for you to find it. A Certified RCI coach can provide you with helpful guidance throughout this process.

2. Communication is key. Communication is the underlying dynamic of all successful and unsuccessful relationships. Cultivating an open and honest relating environment, from the beginning, will help to mitigate misunderstandings, while at the same time create an atmosphere that can allow your relationship to grow and flourish.

3. Set boundaries. In any type of relationship, whether personal or professional, it's important to set boundaries. Not only does this provide you with a solid foundation for living your life, but also it conveys to others who you are and how you expect to be treated. Boundaries are like an "operations manual" for you and for others.

4. Have fun. Dating should be something you enjoy. I'm not saying that it will always be fun and exciting, but if it's not, you need to spend some time finding out why. You might not be ready or available to date. If you're not, that's okay. There's nothing wrong with being single and not dating. In any case, keep up with your friendships and acquaintances. It's important to nurture some aspect of socialization in your life – especially around activities that bring you enjoyment.

5. Comfort is not always a good thing. It's nice to be comfortable in your dating experience with someone, but if things are always singing along and you never disagree on anything and everything is "perfect" as in a "Stepford Wives" version for singles, watch out. One or both of you may not be acting authentically, living fully into your vision, or truly aligned with your values. Many singles feel such "sense of relief" when they've finally "got" someone in their life that they begin editing and twisting themselves into a pretzel to "not rock the boat." Healthy relationships start with being true to yourself first. If you have any doubts, consult a relationship coach.

6. Manage dating expectations. How do you manage expectations in a dating relationship? How do you avoid misunderstandings that can lead to disappointment and unhappiness? You do it by engaging in open and honest communications right from the start. And, just as important, you need to make sure that your actions are aligned with what you communicate. When your thoughts, speech, and actions are in alignment, you'll have the best results – both for you and with others.

7. Take your time. Finding the right relationship takes both time and patience. Conscious singles don't rush into committed relationships because they know that it takes time to get to know someone else and that in haste they may miss important things like red flags which can lead to dating disappointment. Also, any new relationship is a time for further exploration of yourself. Each person you date will bring forth new understandings of who you are. You need time to digest and understand who you are, juxtaposed to the person that you're dating. Take your time, enjoy the journey since that is really what it's all about.

Tara Kachaturoff is a Master Certified Coach for Singles. Since 2003, she has coached hundreds of single men and women to create better dating relationships through her onsite and teleseminar courses.

Copyright ©2010 by Tara Kachaturoff. All rights reserved in all media.

Bonus Article:
Why Do Men Come On So Strong At First?

by Randy Hurlburt

Why do men come on so strong at first and then cool off after a few weeks or months?

It's frustrating, isn't it?!!

You probably resisted his advances, but he pressed on. You felt it was going too fast, but he assured you his feelings were really strong.

And you no sooner gave in, and started to think "This is it!" than he turned around 180 degrees and said things like "I'm not sure," or "We need to slow it down," or "I need some space to think."

This just isn't right! How could he do this to your heart?! You are not a yo-yo...

So what's going on here?

Here are the most obvious dynamics:

1. Sex Drive. We all know most men are driven by sex. This is good, because it makes them want to have a relationship with a woman. But it drives them to want it too quickly, before there is much substance to the relationship.

2. Projection. Men tend to project their wishes onto others (women do, too...). During the time that he doesn't know you well, you are a blank screen onto which he can project all the things he hopes you and the relationship will be. As he gets to know you better, he starts to see that the reality is different from his fantasies, and he becomes disillusioned.

3. The Chase. Men are wired to be hunters. They get an adrenalin rush from the chase, and they are adrenalin junkies. When the chase is over, and the adrenalin ceases, they go into withdrawal.

So what are the solutions? Find men with no sex drive? Find men with no wishes? Be hunters yourselves?

No, the solution is to get out ahead of the man, and stay ahead. Let his sex drive continue to push him in your direction. Let him continue to project his wishes onto you. Let the chase continue until there has been adequate time to establish a real connection.

Obviously there needs to be more than sex for the relationship to be fulfilling. Sooner or later the relationship needs to be based on reality, not wishes alone. The chase at some point needs to morph into commitment.

What I do with my coaching clients is to structure the flow of change in their relationship in such a way that understanding grows, the chase finds new goals that foster the relationship, and sex gets better. Things usually change slowly, and by degrees, so be patient and keep moving in the right direction.

Copyright ©2010 by Randy Hurlburt. All rights reserved in all media.

Randy HurlburtRandy Hurlburt is an internationally acclaimed relationship coach, speaker, and author. In his worldwide relationship coaching practice, Randy is dedicated to helping singles and couples find extraordinary love by breaking the rules of cultural conditioning. He has two books, "Love Is Not A Game" and "Partners in Love and Crime." 858.455.0799

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