Conscious
Relationship Tele-Seminars
"Exciting
and Successful Love Relationships"
Join us on Thursday, July
15th at 8:00 pm eastern for our free Conscious Relationship
tele-seminar "Exciting and Successful Love Relationships" with RCI
Coach Randy Hurlburt. Discover how to find and build extraordinary love
relationships.
In this program you will
learn:
* Why chemistry is
important
* Why chemistry isn't
everything
* How to predict the
future of a relationship
* How long to wait for a
relationship to blossom
* Why, when and how to
break the rules
For more details and to
attend this program, click here: http://attendthisevent.com/?eventid=13209933
Ask Our
Coaches:
"...
how do I communicate this in a
way that isn't so forward?"
This column answers
questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to Tara@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com
who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue,
we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.
Dear
Coaches,
I'm in my mid-thirties and have never been married. I've dated here and
there but really haven't clicked with the right woman. With my career
established, I'm ready for the next step. Now I want to get married and
have a family. I know that sounds goal-oriented and all about me -- and
it is in many ways. I'm very clear about what I want and the type of
person I'm looking for. I'm not shy about what I want, however, I'm not
necessarily the best when it comes to communicating what I want in that
I tend towards being right to the point. How do I date with my
objectives in mind and without being offensive?
I
hate to just say I'm looking for the woman of my dreams or something
like that. I am doing that, but also I want a life companion, wife, and
mother to our future children and I don't want anyone to misunderstand
what I'm looking for. My question - how do I communicate this in a way
that isn't so forward? I want to find the love of my life, but I do
have a goal in mind. I want to start with online dating so perhaps some
thoughts on communicating what I want online might also be helpful. Any
thoughts?
Anthony
from Ann Arbor
Lisa
responds …
Clarity is an asset, not a liability! There is nothing wrong with
having a goal-oriented dating agenda. Actually, it's ideal. You will
behave very differently as a man seeking marriage and a family when
compared to a man looking to date recreationally. Communicating your
goal up front functions as a sorting mechanism.
Women in search of
marriage will pay more attention than those who want only casual
companionship. Saying you want "the woman of your dreams" is vague. If
you want a "companion, wife and mother," then be direct. The latter
description will appeal to a woman who shares your agenda. Also, if
being direct is your style, a woman who appreciates this style may be a
better fit.
Most online dating sites
give you an obvious space to indicate the type of relationship you
prefer. Some sites even have options within the master site geared
toward a target audience, such as those looking for marriage, just
dating or even intimate encounters. Your online profile can expand upon
your ideals. It is perfectly appropriate to explain why you chose to
establish your career first, why you're ready for marriage, and what
you ultimately desire in a partner.
Lisa Manyoky | www.maverickinspired.com
| 609.890.6645
Jenna
responds ...
It's great that you
know exactly what type of woman you're looking for. In order to not
"scare off" a potential partner, remember that you don't have to give
it all away on the first date. It's great to communicate your
intentions, but instead of sharing it right away, try to wait until
after a few dates, when things start progressing.
In your online profile
write what you wrote in your question -- that you're looking for a
long-lasting relationship and that you'd like to eventually start a
family. Also include that you look forward to getting to know them and
to seeing what unfolds. Using words like "eventually" will let the
women know what your intention is and that you don't expect it right
away.
Jenna
Rogers | 408.470.9743 | www.examiner.com/x-14231-SF-Relationship-Improvement-Examiner
Mari
responds …
Your desire to get married and raise a family is a natural progression
and, of course, it's about you as it should be. Knowing exactly what
you want puts you miles ahead of most people. You've already started on
the path to Conscious Dating without necessarily knowing it. So far,
you're doing everything right. What's left is sorting, screening and
testing.
Since you're
contemplating online dating, by all means be specific in your profile
and emphasize the type of values and personality you're
looking for. That way, you will have winnowed out a number of women you
wouldn't be interested in.
As far as communication
and compatibility are concerned, the best step is to be authentic in
all your conversations and actions with whomever you meet. You needn't
announce you're looking for the woman of your dreams. As you date
various women, assess them carefully to see if they meet the criteria
you've established for your "dream lady." Notice if their interests,
requirements, wants, temperament, and outlook on life reflect your own
values and desires.
Mari
Lyles | 301.249.0979
Doris
responds …
Was your career success
instant? Or was it a journey of self-discovery in which you clarified
your needs, talents and goals? Finding your ideal mate is similar. Even
if you think you're ready to identify your life companion, you'll save
time and avoid heartache by elevating your self-awareness.
What are your values?
What's most important to you in a relationship? What do you most want
to share? What would you like your new "team" to stand for?
Since the most fulfilling
relationships evolve from friendships based on shared interests and
values, identify an interest you'd like to explore. Start living a new
life story today. At the same time, inform your social networks that
you're interested in meeting new people. If your intention is to get to
know other people with fascination, learning about yourself and human
nature, you'll set yourself up for genuine connections.
Instead of worrying about
how to state your goal to marry, this new focus will shift your
communication toward an authentic, enduring relationship. Live a
fulfilling life as a single. You'll attract a partner who wants to
share from wholeness instead of expecting you to meet their needs.
Doris Helge, Ph.D. |
www.CoachingByDoris.com
| 360.748.4365
Jill
responds ...
I'd like to commend you
for being clear on your "goals" and asking for support on how to
articulate this in a way that will not scare away your potential
beloved. Prioritizing your "deal breakers," making sure you are truly
coming from the heart and not just the head, may help you to attract
not only your "ideal partner," but also your true soul mate.
To appear less demanding
and selfish about what you want, perhaps you might consider saying
something like this in your online profile:
"With a secure career
in place, I'm now at a point in my life where I am ready to attract my
true soul mate, my lifetime partner; one whom I can cherish as my best
friend, lover, sister, wife and mother of our children." (note the
semantic sequence)
When scouting and sorting
through your prospective partners, remember to be mindful of order of
your priorities - both verbally and non-verbally. Focus on WHO you wish
to love, not just WHAT she's willing to do. A woman will not feel you
are being selfish about wanting her children, if she feels she will be
unconditionally loved and cherished by you, first and foremost.
Jill
Marie Hungerford | www.TheProfessionalMuse.com
| 650.930.0892
by Tara Kachaturoff
If you want to be more
successful at dating, you need knowledge and skills. With a little
forethought and planning, you can have more fun, enjoy the process, and
possibly meet the love of your life. Here are some dating tips to help
you get started.
1. Plan
for success. Why do you
want to date? What type of relationship do you want? What's the vision
for your life? What are your relationship requirements, needs, and
wants? These are just some of the things you need to explore before you
begin the journey of finding the love of your life. The clearer you are
about who and what you want, the easier it will be for you to find it.
A Certified RCI coach can provide you with helpful guidance throughout
this process.
2. Communication
is key. Communication is
the underlying dynamic of all successful and unsuccessful
relationships. Cultivating an open and honest relating environment,
from the beginning, will help to mitigate misunderstandings, while at
the same time create an atmosphere that can allow your relationship to
grow and flourish.
3. Set
boundaries. In any type of
relationship, whether personal or professional, it's important to set
boundaries. Not only does this provide you with a solid foundation for
living your life, but also it conveys to others who you are and how you
expect to be treated. Boundaries are like an "operations manual" for
you and for others.
4. Have
fun. Dating should be
something you enjoy. I'm not saying that it will always be fun and
exciting, but if it's not, you need to spend some time finding out why.
You might not be ready or available to date. If you're not, that's
okay. There's nothing wrong with being single and not dating. In any
case, keep up with your friendships and acquaintances. It's important
to nurture some aspect of socialization in your life –
especially around activities that bring you enjoyment.
5. Comfort
is not always a good thing.
It's nice to be comfortable in your dating experience with someone, but
if things are always singing along and you never disagree on anything
and everything is "perfect" as in a "Stepford Wives" version for
singles, watch out. One or both of you may not be acting authentically,
living fully into your vision, or truly aligned with your values. Many
singles feel such "sense of relief" when they've finally "got" someone
in their life that they begin editing and twisting themselves into a
pretzel to "not rock the boat." Healthy relationships start with being
true to yourself first. If you have any doubts, consult a relationship
coach.
6. Manage
dating expectations. How
do you manage expectations in a dating relationship? How do you avoid
misunderstandings that can lead to disappointment and unhappiness? You
do it by engaging in open and honest communications right from the
start. And, just as important, you need to make sure that your actions
are aligned with what you communicate. When your thoughts, speech, and
actions are in alignment, you'll have the best results – both
for you and with others.
7. Take
your time. Finding the
right relationship takes both time and patience. Conscious singles
don't rush into committed relationships because they know that it takes
time to get to know someone else and that in haste they may miss
important things like red flags which can lead to dating
disappointment. Also, any new relationship is a time for further
exploration of yourself. Each person you date will bring forth new
understandings of who you are. You need time to digest and understand
who you are, juxtaposed to the person that you're dating. Take your
time, enjoy the journey since that is really what it's all about.
Tara
Kachaturoff is a Master
Certified Coach for Singles. Since 2003, she has coached hundreds of
single men and women to create better dating relationships through her
onsite and teleseminar courses. www.RelationshipPlanning.com
Copyright ©2010
by Tara Kachaturoff. All rights reserved in all media.
by Randy Hurlburt
Why do men come on so
strong at first and then cool off after a few weeks or months?
It's frustrating, isn't it?!!
You probably resisted his advances, but he pressed on. You felt it was
going too fast, but he assured you his feelings were really strong.
And you no sooner gave in, and started to think "This is it!" than he
turned around 180 degrees and said things like "I'm not sure," or "We
need to slow it down," or "I need some space to think."
This just isn't right! How could he do this to your heart?! You are not
a yo-yo...
So what's going on here?
Here are the most obvious dynamics:
1. Sex Drive.
We all know most men are driven by sex. This is good, because it makes
them want to have a relationship with a woman. But it drives them to
want it too quickly, before there is much substance to the relationship.
2. Projection. Men
tend to project their wishes onto others (women do, too...). During the
time that he doesn't know you well, you are a blank screen onto which
he can project all the things he hopes you and the relationship will
be. As he gets to know you better, he starts to see that the reality is
different from his fantasies, and he becomes disillusioned.
3. The Chase.
Men are wired to be hunters. They get an adrenalin rush from the chase,
and they are adrenalin junkies. When the chase is over, and the
adrenalin ceases, they go into withdrawal.
So what are the
solutions? Find men with no sex drive? Find men with no wishes? Be
hunters yourselves?
No, the solution is to get out ahead of the man, and stay ahead. Let
his sex drive continue to push him in your direction. Let him continue
to project his wishes onto you. Let the chase continue until there has
been adequate time to establish a real connection.
Obviously there needs to be more than sex for the relationship to be
fulfilling. Sooner or later the relationship needs to be based on
reality, not wishes alone. The chase at some point needs to morph into
commitment.
What I do with my coaching clients is to structure the flow of change
in their relationship in such a way that understanding grows, the chase
finds new goals that foster the relationship, and sex gets better.
Things usually change slowly, and by degrees, so be patient and keep
moving in the right direction.
Copyright ©2010
by Randy Hurlburt. All rights reserved in all media.
Randy
Hurlburt is an
internationally acclaimed relationship coach, speaker, and author. In
his worldwide relationship coaching practice, Randy is dedicated to
helping singles and couples find extraordinary love by breaking the
rules of cultural conditioning. He has two books, "Love Is Not A Game"
and "Partners in Love and Crime." www.PartnersinLoveandCrime.com
858.455.0799
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Links to Us
Contact
Tara Kachaturoff | Editor,
Conscious Dating Newsletter for Singles
Tara@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com
________________________________________
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