in learning how to have successful, fulfilling, and conscious
relationships? RCI offers free access to some great live and
recorded programs for singles. For more details go to: http://consciousrelationshipseminars.com
Friends or more – what should I do?
concerned about ruining our friendship
should she not be interested ... "
This column answers
questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to Tara@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com
who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue,
we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.
I've been friends for many years with a female work colleague. We've
married other people, both divorced and she has a young child. Through
it all, we've always been great friends and nothing more. Now that
we're both single and have been for a while, I'd like to approach her
and tell her I'd like to explore a relationship.
I'm concerned about ruining our friendship should she not be interested
in one. What's the best way to approach this? I'd hate to ruin our
friendship or make things awkward because it will forever change things
between us once I bring up the topic. What should I do?
Many organizations have
corporate policies that prohibit employees from dating each other. Be
sure to start there. If you determine it is not going to get you into
corporate hot water and before you approach the subject with your
colleague, make sure you understand the implications, both
professionally and personally, of dating someone at work.
perception of favoritism, particularly if you work within the same
department, can be intimidating to and create resentment with other
workers. If there is any reporting relationship between both of you or
if you share the same boss -- beware. This can be a recipe for
disaster, particularly if the relationship does not work out.
Evaluate whether the risk
is worth the reward. Be sure you have clarity on your requirements,
values, and life vision. Begin examining her compatibility with you in
those areas before approaching the subject. Being friends is great,
however it takes more than friendship to sustain a relationship.
All that being said, the
only way I know of to explore this option with your colleague is to
simply ask her. Take her off the hook by stating that you realize it
might not be a good idea professionally, indicating you don't want
anything to ruin your friendship or your work relationship. If she says
"no," at least you can remain friends. If she says "yes," good luck!
Robbins | www.lifeworksmatchmaking.com
You are describing a
situation that many people struggle through. You are also
characterizing a common assumption that separates friendship from
intimate partnership/relationship. People often feel a challenge in
handling and doing both. I appreciate your caution and ask you to
consider these and other questions. What do you mean by friends? Some
definitions can include a good acquaintance; others may include people
who have been through conflict together and were able to grow from it.
How would you personally handle a "let down" or disappointment? How
would your friend handle it?
If you decide to talk to
your friend, it may be important to discuss these questions in a fully
conscious manner, and explore the nature of your friendship. Discuss
with others and with your friend how you might handle both your
emotions and your relationship with each other should things not work
out. This can help you both make a conscious effort to be guided and
grounded by your friendship.
Regardless of the outcome
of your initial conversation or in exploring a deeper relationship, by
emphasizing the importance of the friendship to you, you may ultimately
help in creating a better ongoing friendship -- intimate partnership or
Dabby | www.atlantarelationshipcoach.com
Friendships are based on
honesty and connection. Since you have been friends for many years, you
probably have these two characteristics as a foundation. Therefore, I
would use the friendship you have as a springboard for bringing it to a
higher level rather than use it as a deterrent or an obstacle.
There is a good chance
you are considering asking her out because of hints both of you have
either overtly or covertly illustrated to each other. One of you needs
to take the risk to bring it to the forefront and this is your
A good way to approach it
is simply to ask her to go out for coffee, dinner, a movie, etc. If
this is something you have not done before, she will know where you are
coming from and will respond accordingly. If she is, indeed, not
interested, she will respond with, "no" and you need to be prepared to
accept it, let it go, and return to your friendship as it is
– and it will still be there as it was before you addressed
Rich | www.marcyrich.com
She may be feeling the
same thing as you (or she may not). You'll never know unless you take
some action. If she is a truly good friend, and emotionally mature,
then she will remain a friend whether or not you bring up this subject,
provided you do so in a friendly, non-threatening way.
fear about the potential demise of the friendship
have to do with how you might react if she rejects you? Would such a
rejection be hard for you to accept? Would you still be able
to maintain the friendship?
"Slow motion" is the
watchword in any relationship. I suggest you don't start out
asking if she wants "a relationship." Start by asking if she
wants to go to a movie. Then ask if she wants to go for a picnic. Then
ask if she wants to go dancing. Gradually build up a greater sense of
togetherness without trying to label it or force it. You'll
soon have your answer!
Hurlburt | www.PartnersinLoveandCrime.com
It sounds like the
long-standing friendship with your colleague is special, so I
understand why you'd like to preserve it. Changing the dynamic from
platonic to romantic is typically a bell that can't be unrung.
Here are a few approaches
to consider so you get the information you need to decide how to
proceed. Put the notion of you two dating out there -- humorously. Be
light and playful, and test her response.
If she gives you an eye
roll and laughs you away dismissively, then leave your relationship as
is. Offer to make her a meal or grab a drink together after work so you
have quiet time to talk about life as a single person. Dig a little to
find out if what she wants is in line with what you want. Remember,
you're the chooser. If you're really confident about your rapport and
trust that you can be completely honest with no fallout, ask directly
if she ever thought what it would be like to date you.
Listen to your intuition
and act accordingly. If you feel that undeniable and mutual charismatic
draw of attraction and chemistry, then maybe there's room for your
relationship to evolve from friends to more!
Manyoky | www.maverickinspired.com
A sincere, lasting
friendship is an essential component of a loving, healthy, enduring
romantic relationship. Since you're worried about damaging your
friendship if you use a direct approach, you can casually ask a curious
question, "Have you ever wondered what it would be like if we were
Pay attention to her
energy and body language when she responds. You'll know if she's
considered being involved with you and how she feels about the
possibility. But, wait, let's back up just a bit. I know you value her
friendship. It's also important to remember that friendship is very
different than being with someone as a lover or a 24/7 mate.
Place one of your big
toes into the shallow water before diving into the deep end. Pause to
ponder. What do you like and dislike about how she entered, negotiated
and exited previous relationships? Would you have wanted to be her
If you're still
interested after reflection, move your conversation to the next level
with comments like, "Describe your ideal relationship." Be the chooser.
A relationship coach can help you clarify what you bring to a
relationship so you come from a position of confidence and clarity.
Helge, Ph.D. | www.CoachingByDoris.com
by Tara Kachaturoff
Finding a great date,
which eventually leads to a great mate, starts with you. However,
before you reach that point, it's important to be a successful single.
Successful singles become successful couples.
Contrary to popular
belief, your life doesn't miraculously improve when you're in a
relationship. Can it? Of course it can. In fact, a relationship can
provide all manner of opportunities which can help you grow and evolve
-- and in ways that you might not otherwise if you were single. Some
mistakenly believe that things are easier when you're a couple
– perhaps some things are, yet some things aren't.
In fact, when you're part
of a couple, things can be much more complicated. Now there are two of
everything – two personalities, two life visions, two sets of
values, ideals, and so on. There are more challenges and problems. It
doesn't mean that these things are bad, there's just more of everything
when there are two of you!
The real opportunity in
finding and creating a successful relationship, however, stems from
your success as a single person.
If you don't want double
the trouble once you get into a relationship, spend some time
understanding yourself -- finding out what makes you happy. It's time
to start living a life you love so that you can connect with someone
else who is doing the same thing.
Are you doing what makes
you happy? Are you focusing on accomplishing goals which comprise your
"big picture" vision for what you want for your life? Have you resolved
or are you productively working towards resolving issues that may cause
challenges in a future relationship? And, perhaps, most importantly,
are you inspired and enjoying life to its fullest? If you can't enjoy
your life while you're alone, you're not going to magically change that
fact once you're a part of a couple.
Here are some tips to
help you get started along the path to being a successful single
yourself. You'll never be
able to fully love or connect with another person unless you can love
yourself as you are. This is a lifetime journey of personal exploration
for 99% of us so don't become discouraged if you don't think you're not
as far along the path as you hoped. Make self-acceptance a top priority
and an ongoing one.
The more accepting you are of yourself, the more compassionate and
understanding you'll be of others. The more you love yourself, the
easier it will be to attract the right person to you.
how to be comfortable being alone – yes, all by yourself.
Alone does not mean lonely. If you don't like your own company, why
would anyone else? Unfortunately, this is a serious problem in our
society where many are driven to endless distraction so they never have
to spend a quiet moment with themselves. It's important to be able to
enjoy alone time. You need time to disconnect from the outer world in
order to reconnect with your heart, feelings, emotions, and most
importantly, to your thoughts about what you truly want for yourself
and from life.
Keep in mind that any future mate won't and can't be there for you
24/7. You wouldn't want that anyway. You need to find inner peace with
being alone and enjoying your own company. The more you can do that,
the more attractive you'll be to a potential mate.
your life in order. Handle
mental, emotional and other issues. If you're stuck, enlist the help
you need to move forward. There's no badge of honor for being stuck,
unhappy or overwhelmed.
You need to take full responsibility for where you find yourself today,
just as much as you need to take responsibility for where you'll be in
the future. After all, where you are today is the result of all the
decisions that you've made up and until this point in time. Think about
how empowering it is to know that tomorrow will be the result of what
you do today.
Being a successful single takes effort. And, the efforts you put forth
will be rewarded with a life that is yours to cherish. When you invest
in yourself, others will want to do the same. Open yourself to
attracting the right person to you by taking time to know yourself
better. Be a successful single now, so you can be part of a successful
Copyright ©2010 by Tara Kachaturoff. All rights reserved in
Kachaturoff is a RCI
Master Certified Coach for Singles. Since 2003, she has coached
hundreds of single men and women to create better dating relationships
thru her onsite and teleseminar courses. www.RelationshipPlanning.com
by Michelle E.
What you tell yourself
about yourself determines your success in every area of your life. In
your search for true love, it is absolutely essential that you examine
your beliefs. These beliefs, many of which began in childhood, have
grown secretly in your subconscious mind for so long that you take them
for granted. You believe they are hard, cold facts, and not beliefs
that someone else imposed on you when you were too young to understand.
One such belief that most
people have is "I'm not good enough." This belief of "I'm not good
enough" is reinforced with other beliefs such as:
• I'm too
• I'm too short/tall
• I'm too messed up in the head
• I'm too shy
• I'm too unsuccessful
• I'm too smart/dumb
These beliefs limit your
ability to find happiness and success in love. They are mind viruses.
Viruses are hard to get rid of. They are even harder to get rid of when
you accept them as "the Gospel Truth."
The belief that "I'm not
good enough" is particularly destructive because it affects every area
of your life. When it comes to relationships, allowing this insidious
mind virus to grow keeps you from finding an appropriate life partner.
In essence, you have told yourself that you do not deserve to find a
How can you attract the
one for you if you believe you don't deserve it? Would you like to get
clear about this belief and begin the process of cleaning out the
viruses of your mind? Great! Start by reflecting on these questions
about this particular belief:
• When did you
first get the idea that you weren't good enough?
• Who said it to you? (or)
• What event convinced you that you weren't good enough?
• How old were you?
• How did you change the way you thought and behaved once you
began to believe you weren't good enough?
• What did you avoid doing once you were convinced you weren't
Take your time and answer
these questions honestly and thoroughly. Talk with people you trust
about your answers. If you are working with a therapist or a coach,
take your notes to your next session and discuss what you learned about
When you drag this
limiting belief into the harsh light of day, it becomes harder for it
to thrive. Of course, that is just the first step. Your next step is to
write a positive statement to negate this belief, something like, "Of
course I am good enough!" Then practice saying this at least twice a
day for 30 days.
Congratulations on a
great start! If you want to do more work getting rid of these beliefs
so you can find true love, relationship coaching can help you make your
new beliefs stick.
by Michelle E. Vásquez. All Rights Reserved for all media.
LPC, is a RCI Relationship Coach who helps singles and couples attract
the life they want and create the relationships that bring them joy.
She specializes in working with couples who are experiencing
relationship difficulties as well as with singles who want to find the
love of their life. Bilingual, English and Spanish speaking. www.trueloverelationshipcoaching.com
Dating Audio Programs
Visit our website at relationshipcoachinginstitute.com
for cutting-edge information and tools for finding the love of your
Listen to outstanding audio programs such as "Find the Love of Your
Life AND The Life That You Love" and "Conscious Dating for Relationship
Access our Knowledge Bank for innovative relationship tools, strategies
Check out our talented RCI-trained Relationship Coaches at relationshipcoachinginstitute.com/resourcecatalog.htm
you a coach or other helping professional who works with singles and
couples? If you want to know more about adding the Conscious Dating
Relationship Coaching tools to your professional toolbox, visit relationshipcoachinginstitute.com
Please share this newsletter with your single friends, family, and
co-workers, and you can be a partner in their success, too!
Links to Us
Tara Kachaturoff | Editor,
Conscious Dating Newsletter for Singles
Visit our resource
catalog for singles at relationshipcoachinginstitute.com/resourcecatalog.htm
Free introductory training! relationshipcoachinginstitute.com
To subscribe to this
newsletter and join our free Conscious Dating Online Community
Free monthly tele-seminars! www.BuildingYourIdealPractice.com
Copyright © 2010
by Relationship Coaching Institute. All rights reserved. Feel free to
share this with others as long as our contact information and
authorship is included.