July 2010

In this issue:

Conscious Relationship Resources
www.ConsciousRelationshipResources.com

Conscious Relationship Podcast
www.ConsciousRelationshipPodcast.com

Frankie Doiron
President & CEO
Relationship Coaching Institute

David Steele
Founder
Relationship Coaching Institute

Tara Kachaturoff
Editor | Partners in Life Couples News
Email

Copyright 2010 by Relationship Coaching Institute All rights reserved.

Now Available!

Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life in Today's World

Order a copy today for your single friends and family members at www.ConsciousDating.com

A One-Page Communication System for All Relationships!

Practical, effective, and affordable conflict resolution tool for personal and professional relationships

www.TheCommunicationMap.com

Welcome! This newsletter is designed especially for YOU if:

• You have met someone and are wondering if s/he is the "Love of Your Life"
• You are about to get married and want to co-create a fulfilling life partnership
• You have a good relationship and want to make it great    

Announcements

Conscious Relationship Tele-Seminars

"Exciting and Successful Love Relationships"  

Join us on Thursday, July 15th at 8:00 pm eastern for our free Conscious Relationship tele-seminar "Exciting and Successful Love Relationships" with RCI Coach Randy Hurlburt. Discover how to find and build extraordinary love relationships.

In this program you will learn:

• Why chemistry is important
• Why chemistry isn't everything
• How to predict the future of a relationship
• How long to wait for a relationship to blossom
• Why, when and how to break the rules

For more details and to attend this program, click here: http://attendthisevent.com/?eventid=13209933 

  Ask Our Coaches:
When helping begins to hurt

"This is troubling to me since she is neglecting
her own family and our relationship."

This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to Tara@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com  who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.

Dear Coaches,

My wife is wonderful - caring, big heart, always wants to help everyone and everything. Sometimes she gets too focused on others to the exclusion of our own family needs including my own. Recently, a co-worker of hers lost his wife to cancer. We, as a family, lived thru this, too, because my wife introduced this situation into our lives -- through talking about it constantly -- from the time her co-worker's wife got sick until she passed away.

She has spent countless hours on the phone talking to her co-worker, attending to his needs, helping him around his home and helping him deal with this loss. While I understand helping people in need, our own family and relationship are being neglected. I don't want to seem callous, however, her involvement with him seems inappropriate.

I've talked to her about this, but have given up because she thinks I'm being selfish because I don't share her same concern for this man and his issue. This is troubling to me since she is neglecting her own family and our relationship. What should I do? Her helping him is hurting us. Any thoughts?

Michael from Manitoba

Annette responds …

In your experience, you and your children are being neglected by your wife's prioritizing another man's needs. And it sounds like this is a recurring pattern caused by her big heart. Yet, she cannot or will not hear you wanting her back, devoted primarily to your family. The ensuing gridlock is leaving you both disconnected emotionally.

Gridlock is often freed up when one "crosses the bridge" into the other's world. For you, the key might be to seek to understand what it means to her to be of such service to others. If I were in your situation with my spouse, I might say, "You are one of the most giving people I know. What is it like for you to be helping him or others in need? What does it mean to you?" Give her some time to get in touch with her own internal experience or inner voice. In this way, you honor her, and step into her world to understand her better.

When she feels known and understood for whatever it is that fuels her intense need to give, she might be more willing to step into your world of missing her.

Annette Carpien | www.greatrelationshipscoaching.com | 610.428.2755

Lisa responds …

Generosity of spirit likely makes your wife who she is, and a giving heart is appealing. However, an excess of any one behavior in a relationship can become problematic if it causes imbalance. The benefit to helping others is feeling needed, appreciated and useful.

Is it possible that your wife is not feeling that at home, leaving her compelled to seek praise elsewhere? Is she taking refuge in others' problems and demands because her own are uncomfortable, overwhelming or unfulfilling? Might she feel like her own circumstances are out of control so she seeks it with someone else who is willing to accept her direction?

Take an honest look at your wife's interactions at home. Do you see signs that she may be overlooked or underappreciated? If so, maybe you all need to make an adjustment. Or, consider a compromise. If your wife is just one of those people who naturally gives 150%, then suggest she do her giving elsewhere for a finite time each day, leaving the rest open to focus on you and your family. Hopefully, the attention redirected your way, with plenty of gratitude and recognition reflected back, will restore a better sense of balance for all of you.

Lisa Manyoky | www.maverickinspired.com

Jenna responds …

While it's commendable that your wife is so compassionate and willing to help her co-worker, if it's getting in the way of your relationship then it definitely needs to be addressed. The way you approach her can make the difference between her being open-minded and receptive and being defensive and shut down.

When you approach her, make sure you use "I" sentences when describing how you feel. For example, "I feel neglected,", instead of saying "you're neglecting me." This technique removes any blame that may be present. You can also back up your statement with examples on how you and the family are suffering (in case she doesn't see it) and then offer solutions. Ask her what she's willing to compromise on and figure out what you're willing to compromise on.

Let her know you want to find a solution that works for everyone. If she remains unapproachable or unreceptive, I would recommend couples coaching where a neutral presence can help facilitate effective communication between you two.

Jenna Rogers |
www.examiner.com/x-14231-SF-Relationship-Improvement-Examiner

Doris responds …

Ready for a new approach? We're all mirrors for each other. Our partners reflect back to us what we're unable to perceive about ourselves. Because your needs aren't being met, it's likely that your wife also has unmet needs. Do you think she might be trying to meet her need for recognition by helping someone who appreciates her loving care?

Assume that this is a growth opportunity that can make your relationship stronger. You can find a good time to ask carefully-worded questions and listen with the fascination of a compassionate detective.

Instead of the accusatory, "You're neglecting your family!" you can ask curious questions like, "How is caretaking your friend meeting your needs?" "How can I help you get more of your needs met within our relationship?" and "What do you really need from me?"

Discover the loving bond that intensifies when you prevent defensiveness by truly listening without preconceived ideas or negative judgments. When you think your wife has finished sharing her concerns, remember that hidden treasures are almost always buried beneath the surface. Ask, "What else do you need?" This simple process changes "you" and "I" to "we." Negative feelings transform into loving teamwork.

Doris Helge, Ph.D. | www.CoachingByDoris.com | 360.748.4365

Feature Article:
Secrets of Happiness: Part 1 of 2

by Relationship Coaching Institute

In our current culture we want to be happy, but don't know how. This problem has been exacerbated by the messages in movies, television, and other influential media that promote a consumer-oriented, immediate gratification society. We seem to feel entitled to be able to buy and get what we want with little effort on our part.

We have been conditioned that happiness comes from the outside, by having enough money, the car we want, the job we want and the partner we want. Then, when we get what we want, we find that we aren't happy! In part 1 of this two-part series, we'll reveal some great secrets to finding lasting happiness.

Secret #1 If you want a partner, be a partner

Many of us have a wonderful, romantic vision of the life partnership we want; the reality is that great relationships require a lot of self-work and effort on your part. If you feel like you are putting more effort into the relationship than your partner, you're probably doing it right. The good news is that you CAN live your Vision; the challenge is that the effort must come from YOU.

Secret #2 The journey is the destination

We tend to focus on goals and results, which works well in many areas of our life, but not so well in our relationships. Chances are, you will always be striving toward the relationship you really want, and you will never "arrive." The destination of life is death, the awareness of which pushes us to be present in the moment, because we realize that is all we really have. Similarly, our journey with our partner is all we really have. Learning to be present with and to appreciate the journey is the path to happiness.

Secret #3 The journey is always longer and harder than expected

We are an impatient culture that wants immediate results. While some of us have the work ethic and self-discipline for the sustained effort necessary to be successful, few of us are happy doing so. We look around and everyone else seems to get what they want so easily, and we wonder why it has to be so hard for us. Truly accepting this principle is a necessary step toward happiness.

Secret #4 Have goals while letting go of outcomes

While having goals and wanting results is natural, letting go of outcomes seems to be a necessary ingredient to happiness. This means being able to "go with the flow," to be flexible and creative, to view mistakes and failures as opportunities. Success and happiness comes from a yin/yang balance of ambition and acceptance, assertion and tolerance, firmness and flexibility, choice and fate, having goals and letting go of outcomes.

Secret #5 Grow up and take responsibility

There is a wonderful book on this subject by Dr. Frank Pittman: "Grow Up! How Taking Responsibility Can Make You a Happy Adult" (St. Martin's Press, 1998), which does an excellent job of explaining how we have become a society of victims, narcissists, and adolescents, and what to do about it.

He writes: "… happy grown-ups take responsibility. They take responsibility for their bodies, their characters, and their relationships. They own their lives and they own up to the choices they make. Finding the responsible thing to do is the lifelong quest for grown-ups. And it leads to real, grown-up happiness …."

Re-read these secrets from time to time -- until they become part of who you are. If you want more happiness, these are some great ways to help make that happen. Next month, we'll explore 5 more secrets!

Copyright © by Relationship Coaching Institute. Excerpted from "Ten Dirty Secrets of Happiness" by David Steele, founder, Relationship Coaching Institute. All rights reserved in all media.

Bonus Article:
Early Warning Signs of a Breakup

by Randy Hurlburt

We are often surprised when our partner says

    "I'm not ready," or

    "Let's take a break," or

    "I don't know if this is what I want."

But we can see this coming and avoid it if we recognize that people are like an iceberg, 95% of which is submerged and out of sight. 

There are signs that we can pick up on before an impact occurs. And there are ways to navigate around the submerged hazards and get closer to the heart of the iceberg. Here are a few:

Getting too involved too quickly.  This is often a result of infatuation, or insecurity, and often turns out to be a house of cards.

Possessiveness, jealousy, or insecurity.  These are often seen as signs of love, especially early in a relationship.  But later on they will turn into control.

Anger, distance, or lack of awareness of feelings.  Feelings, and the ability to deal with them constructively, are at the heart of a relationship.

Lack of interest in personal growth.  A commitment to long term personal growth is necessary if a couple is to stay together forever.

A rigid belief system, especially if it isn't aligned with yours.  Flexibility is a key to personal growth, and limiting beliefs stifle growth (and thereby relationships).

Unwillingness to talk about problems.  There will be issues and problems in every relationship, and the ability to talk them through and to find unique and workable solutions is critical to survival.

Sexual inhibitions.  If such inhibitions are the result of strongly inbred beliefs (not just naïveté), then this can be an indicator of an inability to find flexible solutions to problems in other areas of the relationship life.

Impatience.  Personal growth is slow and difficult.  All of the above issues will likely try the patience of both partners.  A lack of patience in this regard can spell the end of a relationship that otherwise has potential, but an overabundance of patience can also impede growth.  Finding the right balance is always a challenge.

This certainly is not a complete list, but is a good starter set of typical early warning signs. 

Copyright ©2010 by Randy Hurlburt. All rights reserved in all media.

Randy Hurlburt is an internationally acclaimed relationship coach, speaker, and author. In his worldwide relationship coaching practice, Randy is dedicated to helping singles and couples find extraordinary love by breaking the rules of cultural conditioning. He has two books, "Love Is Not A Game" and "Partners in Love and Crime." www.PartnersinLoveandCrime.com 858.455.0799

RCI has made available 35 recordings of presentations by the world's leading relationship experts. To access these recording from our '2009 Conscious Relationship Summit' go to: http://www.ConsciousRelationshipSummit.com

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