Welcome! This newsletter is designed especially for YOU if:
- You have met someone and are wondering if s/he is the "Love of Your Life"
- You are about to get married and want to co-create a fulfilling life partnership
- You have a good relationship and want to make it great
Conscious Relationship Tele-Seminars
Interested in learning how to have successful, fulfilling, and conscious relationships? RCI offers free access to some great live and recorded programs for couples. For more details go to: http://consciousrelationshipseminars.com
Ask Our Coaches:
Are we comfortable
or are we missing something?
"Is companionship an evolution of
being together for so many years...?"
This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to Tara@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.
We want to know more about companionship. We've been together for over 30 years. We've learned a lot, grown a lot, raised great kids and certainly have had our share of life's ups and downs. We do love, respect and cherish each other. Our lives are far from perfect and we're not madly in love with each other.
We don't want to divorce or date others, yet at the same time we just don't share the closeness or intimacy that we enjoyed in the past. We want to be companions and supportive of each other. We're both comfortable with that. Is companionship an evolution of being together for so many years or do you think our relationship is just missing something?
Mike & Maria from Manitoba
Murray responds …
What you are describing is common -- the experience of many couples who build a life together, yet have evolved to be interested in different things and/or are less "intimate." Do either of you personally think you are missing something? If not, a more important question is looking at what you already share. Do you share some joy about your lives currently, however imperfect? Consider listing the things that you do share. From your story, it sounds like your list may be significant.
We are often troubled by some ideas that may get promoted of what makes a "normal" relationship, or that there is a standard normative lifespan that people should live through. Most of us don't fit into this notion. They are mythic. Relationships, as well as personal practices, are so varied as to boggle one's mind. As long as there are conscious choices and non-hurtful relationships, it's all good.
Perhaps what you were missing is some validation that you don't need to follow a prescribed road for a relationship, but rather to consciously decide how you want your relationship to be. Work to discover what you have and grow with it.
Murray Dabby | www.atlantarelationshipcoach.com | 404.633.3282
Randy responds …
You say you are not "madly in love." No one remains "madly" in love forever, however it's possible for two people to be "very much in love."
You say you don't share the closeness that you used to enjoy. This could be the result of two different things: (1) the true love chemistry (and thereby your desire for closeness) isn't that strong; or (2) it's possible that you do not have the skills to open up to each other fully.
I suggest you try opening up and sharing more. Overcome your fear and inhibitions, experiment with new and exciting sexual experiences. If you can't do this on your own, get professional assistance. If you still can't open up, then it could be that something (sufficient chemistry) is indeed "missing," yet you can still be good friends and companions and accept that as being a good thing.
I call this process of opening up more deeply to another person the "lifetime adventure." It's possible that you aborted this adventure some time back because of fear and lack of skill, however it can be restarted if you both want to do so.
Randy Hurlburt | www.PartnersinLoveandCrime.com
Marcy responds …
Our life and relationship journeys coincide. We get to the time in our lives when companionship is what we covet and what works best. If you ask single baby boomers what they are looking for in a mate, the response is more often than not – a companion.
Companionship takes on a different look than the romance we knew in the early part of our relationship and its requirements reach another plane. It is important for both of you to determine what this "new" relationship is and what each of your roles are.
Make a list of what you require at this stage of your relationship. Since you seem to have a good history and a strong connection currently, be sure to find the qualities you want to bring forth in this new stage. Keep in mind that some things need to remain in the past as sacred and specific to that time. In other words, if we go back to them and try to revive them, the fit becomes awkward, snug and uncomfortable.
The companionship stage of a relationship can be very rewarding and certainly can contribute greatly to your continued growth and adventures in your terrific journey of life.
Marcy Rich | www.marcyrich.com | 602.573.6406
Bill responds ...
First, lets come from "all is well." Then, lets look at how to make the most of what you already have going for you. How awesome that you have recognized your relationship assets. I suggest that, individually, you begin playing by making detailed, extensive lists of what each of you would like to have in your lives right now, in any and all categories.
What do you desire, want, like, get excited about or think that someday your going to do? Take a week or so to create, solidify and expand your own list (you will always add to it in this game). Once initially completed, you're going on to part two, individually and together. Since you're interested in continuing as supportive companions, take your completed lists and begin to map out, by your own priority, how to think out, have and do each of the things on your own list.
Add the dimension of brainstorming with each other and assisting each other in actually having what you want. Perhaps, you'll do some of the things together and others as individuals. Play together. Have fun and participate in each other's dreams coming into reality. Create happiness. Life is full of possibility!
Bill Paglia-Scheff | www.extraordinaryrelationship.blogspot.com
Secrets of Happiness: Part 2 of 2
by Relationship Coaching Institute
We all want to be happy and we have to take responsibility for making that happen. In last month's newsletter, we discussed the first 5 secrets of being happy. If you missed those, here they are …
Secret #1: If you want a partner, be a partner
Secret #2: The journey is the destination
Secret #3: The journey is always longer and harder than expected
Secret #4: Have goals while letting go of outcomes
Secret #5: Grow up and take responsibility
This month we continue with our exploration into the 10 Secrets of Happiness. Here are 5 more!
Secret #6: To be happy we must grow, to grow we must stretch
Our human nature is to have an inner conflict between comfort and challenge, growth and inertia. Balancing these opposing forces within us is an on-going effort. When we lean too far towards comfort, we risk stagnation, complacency, inertia. Too much challenge can lead to stress and burn-out. Our culture overvalues comfort and undervalues effort. Many of our clients engage our coaching to get what they want, yet resist stretching beyond their comfort level to get it.
Secret #7: To get it, you have to give it away
This is a paradox that challenges the "Me" generation. We are much more motivated to "get" than to "give", which wreaks serious havoc in our relationships. When we focus on giving and let go of keeping score, we have a chance of finding happiness in our life and relationships.
Secret #8: What goes around comes around
There is a consequence for your every choice and action. Of course we want our choices to be successful and get us what we want, and we resist acknowledging the possibility or reality of undesired outcomes. While this may seem simple and obvious, the spread of AIDS, multiple divorces, unwanted children, etc, are caused by people that are going after what they want and ignoring future consequences.
Secret #9: The truth will set you free
Most of us struggle with a dissonance between what we want and what we have, the way things "should" be with the way things are, what we WANT to believe and the reality. When we can let go of our fears and ego enough to accept the truth about ourselves, life, relationships, etc., we open the door to the possibility of happiness.
Secret #10: Our relationships are our mirrors
The definition of intimacy that I like is "Into Me I See". This can be quite challenging and uncomfortable, as we will experience the parts of ourselves that we don't like (our "shadows") as well as what we want to see. Happiness in a relationship means learning to use the relationship to learn and grow, which means taking full responsibility and even embracing our shadows when they get reflected to us.
Happiness is a fleeting experience and highly overrated as a life goal. Incorporate the above "Ten Dirty Secrets of Happiness" into your life and learn to have goals while letting go of attachment to outcomes. When you can be happy with "what is," you will experience true contentment.
Copyright © by Relationship Coaching Institute. Excerpted from "Ten Dirty Secrets of Happiness" by David Steele, Founder, Relationship Coaching Institute. All rights reserved in all media.
Why Marriages Fail and
What You Can Do to Change the Odds
by Michelle E. Vásquez
Despite the fact that over 50% of marriages end in divorce, optimistic couples still tie the knot in droves every year. They believe they will be different. They hope this is true. They spend tons of money on their dream wedding, go off on a fabulous honeymoon, and then hope to settle into eternal domestic bliss.
These couples truly believe they will be different. However, there's an old saying: "Thinking doesn't make it so." Just because you want something to be a particular way doesn't mean it will happen. It is more likely that you will be happy for a while, and then you will begin to repeat the patterns you learned in your childhood. You will do the things your parents did to each other. You may even fight to maintain these unhealthy behaviors, exclaiming, "That's the way we did it in our family."
The only training most people have ever received for being married is the example from their parents and relatives. Sadly, this training taught them how to be "miserable ever after." Most couples in love do not stop to think that they are unprepared for the part of marriage that involves actually living together. They truly believe that "all you need is love" and "love will keep us together."
Unfortunately, love is not enough. You need relationship training. If you are serious about creating a great marriage, give yourself and the one you love a fighting chance to make it happen. Everything we do involves training:
• You went to school to learn (hopefully)
• You got training for your career and you have to do ongoing training to keep up with your profession
• If you wanted to be good at a sport, you trained for that, maybe even hiring a coach
• Learning a new language takes training
• If you've had a baby and taken Lamaze classes, you were training for the birth of your child
Whenever you want to learn something new you are training. So why are relationships so magical that you are supposed to automatically make them successful without any other training but the examples of your parents? Give your marriage a better chance to succeed. Train yourselves to become a loving couple who gives the best to your relationship. Yes, it takes some effort -- but isn't your relationship is worth it?
Copyright ©2010 by Michelle E. Vásquez. All Rights Reserved for all media.
Michelle E. Vásquez, MS, LPC, is a RCI Relationship Coach who helps singles and couples attract the life they want and create the relationships that bring them joy. She specializes in working with couples who are experiencing relationship difficulties as well as with singles who want to find the love of their life. Bilingual, English and Spanish speaking. www.trueloverelationshipcoaching.com 714.717.5744
RCI has made available 35 recordings of presentations by the world's leading relationship experts. To access these recording from our '2009 Conscious Relationship Summit' go to: http://www.ConsciousRelationshipSummit.com
For More Information
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Tara Kachaturoff | Editor, PartnersInLife.org Couples News Tara@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com
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