November 2009
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Tara Kachaturoff
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Ask
Our Coaches:
Dating and Gift Giving: What to Do
"What are the best types of gifts to give to someone you're dating...?"
This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to Tara@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.
Dear Coaches,
What are the best types of gifts to give to someone you're dating
– when you want to indicate you like them, but you're not
quite ready to say, "I love you"? Do you have any advice when it comes
to giving gifts, especially when it's early in the relationship and you
happen to be dating during the holidays (Thanksgiving, Christmas,
Hanukkah, New Years, etc.)? Are there any types of gifts that we single
men and women should avoid giving to our dates?
Singles Everywhere
Jerald
responds …
A great gift for a friend who is "special, but not spousal," at least
not yet, is (drum roll please) a book! Wait. Wait. Wait! Please, hear
me out. This is a very special book. And, here is the good part
– you control the message it sends.
The gift consists of two parts: (1) a book on a topic that your friend
is passionate about, that (2) contains a personal inscription by you
that controls the level of intimacy intended. To communicate continued
interest in the relationship, while keeping the relationship "at arm's
length," give a book on a topic about which your friend is passionate,
but you're not.
A book demonstrates interest in and respect for what is uniquely
theirs. The inscription should communicate your positive reactions to
your friend's passion. Sign it with your first name.
For example, an inscription in a book about ballet, your friend's
passion, might read, "I enjoy watching you dance. – Jerry."
To communicate a desire to be closer than a full arm's length, give a
book on a topic both of you are passionate about. The inscription
should include your positive reactions for sharing your common
interest. For jogging enthusiasts, an inscription on a jogging book
might read, "I look forward to going running with you. –
Melissa."
In both cases, focus the inscription on the book's topic, your friend's
interest, not on your friend or your relationship. Save that for when
you move into a committed relationship. Have fun giving it!
Jerald Young, Ph.D.
| www.SmoothDivorceRecovery.com
| 917.865.2710
Robynn
responds …
Gift giving can be challenging, especially in the beginning stages of a
possible love connection. You want to acknowledge your new interest as
someone special, but you want to give a gift that is appropriate for
the stage of your relationship.
When choosing a gift, think about how a person may feel when receiving
it. Be aware of the message that a gift which is too expensive or too
personal may send. You want your romantic interest to feel gratitude
and appreciation, not obligated or pressured about where the
relationship may be going.
The holiday season is just around the corner so here are three tips in
gift giving to a potential love interest. You want to give a gift
that…
• May remind them of a time you spent together
• Can be enjoyed at their leisure; or
• Is related to their favorite interest or hobby
Finding the right gift may require a little creativity, thought and
effort. Remember, listen and learn about what your potential partner
may like or dislike. This is another part of the "getting to know you
process" and will provide you greater insight as to whether this is the
right relationship for you.
Robynn Thomas, CLC |
www.robynnthomas.com
Randy
responds …
I'm going to answer from the opposite perspective, namely "What types
of gifts would I appreciate receiving during the early stages of a
relationship?"
The main advice is to be wary of expensive gifts. In the early stages
of dating, "less is more" because getting an expensive gift, or even a
dozen roses, often indicates infatuation, insecurity, or a desire to
impress based on internal needs as opposed to the reality of the
relationship. Absolutely do not interpret an expensive gift as a sign
of true love. A better option would be a creative gift or something
inexpensive, but meaningful, or something that shows you have observed
what the other person likes.
However, if you receive an expensive gift, be careful not to rule out
the person who gave it to you. They may also not know what to do and so
choose to err on the expensive side. My message here is to not get
sucked in by an expensive gift, but don't discount the person either.
The bottom line is that gifts are relatively unimportant in the scheme
of things. What counts is whether there are good feelings together and
whether each person treats the other well. Time and observation are the
keys, and the smallest of gifts that simply show "I am thinking about
you" should be sufficient.
Randy Hurlburt | www.partnersinloveandcrime.com
| 858.455.0799
Dr.
Dar responds …
Gift giving can be a conundrum when wanting to acknowledge your date
early on in the relationship -- especially during the holidays. Giving
jewelry at this stage in the relationship is something I don't
recommend because of what it represents. For example, a ring, even if
it is a friendship ring, represents a deeper commitment.
Here are some gift-giving ideas for men and women:
• flowers are great even if you are a man receiving them
• a box of favorite candy or chocolate
• an invitation for another date where you plan to go to a
concert or play
• movie tickets or a gift of some movie rentals
• a CD of their favorite music
• gift certificates to a restaurant you can enjoy together or
to their favorite clothing store
• and my favorite -- asking them out to celebrate the holiday
combined with an opportunity for both of you to learn more about that
holiday together
A gift that shows you listen to them, are learning about them, are
paying attention to what they like, and which represents a token of
your appreciation will suffice. By the way, always include a card that
best illustrates that you "like them" instead of implying the other "L"
word.
Dr. Dar | www.RelationshipSuccessSource.com
| 704.651.8568
Rick
and Jo respond …
A gift can mean wildly different things to different people. Dr. Gary
Chapman has written a great book titled The Five Love Languages. Each
of us has a certain "language" we need to "hear" in order to feel
loved, and receiving gifts is one of the five ways that humans
experience love. So if your date's preferred love language is "words of
affirmation," the most well-thought of gift will not convey the
appreciation that you are wishing to convey!
Perhaps, the best gift that you can give someone is to "fill their love
tank." By learning the Five Love Languages you'll be able to create a
more powerful way of conveying your appreciation, be it through gifts,
words, acts of service, quality time together or physical touch. In the
meantime, if you are not quite ready to say, "I love you," avoid red
roses and diamond rings!
Rick and Jo Harrison
| www.SecretsToSoulmateSuccess.com
| +61.3.5420.7366
Hazel responds …
I used to feel, in the early days of dating, if a birthday or holiday came up during that time, that it was quite challenging to buy a gift. However, I discovered if I found out what their likes and dislikes were, there were many gifts I could buy that would not be perceived as inappropriate.
For instance, a beautiful paperweight for his/her desk or a letter opener engraved with their name works well. If they have an interest in a particular area, tickets to a game, movies or the theater might be appropriate. Or, perhaps a book in a genre they enjoy. I once received a lovely crystal dreidel for Chanukah from a date, and also a very pretty glass paperweight. My personal favorite is flowers. Just don't buy red roses if you haven't been dating very long.
Whatever gift you decide
to give, remember that it doesn't have to be something you like; it
needs to be something the receiver will enjoy! It's not about price or
size; it's about the thought you put into it. Whatever you buy in the
early days of dating, if it doesn't smack of romance, it probably won't
be taken the wrong way.
Hazel Palache | www.sayyestoyoucoaching.com
Feature Article:
Conscious Dating: A Primer
By Carol Baker
Finding and maintaining
companionship is one of our most elevated and basic needs. Yet,
embarking on that journey can be the most challenging and rewarding
quest you'll ever take. To ensure its success, like any other major
endeavor, you must be awake to all the elements of the dating adventure.
Before we embark on this journey let's review a little about what it
means to be awake, eyes wide open, conscious of ourselves and what
we're doing.
The 3 Levels of
Consciousness
There was a man who walked down the same street to work every morning.
One morning he turns down that street and about half way down falls
into a deep hole. After picking himself up, brushing the dirt off his
clothes and climbing out, he proceeds on his way.
The next morning the man takes his usual route, walks down the street
and falls right into the hole again. This goes on day after day until
one day he wakes up, goes out his door, and turns down the street, only
this time he walks around the hole.
The next day and the day after that, he takes the same route and each
day maneuvers around the hole. But on the 14th day he wakes up, gets
ready for work, and goes out his door but this time as he gets to that
street he decides to take another route.
This story points to the differences between functioning in an
unconscious, semi-conscious or conscious state. Let's examine each of
these states of being:
Unconscious State of Being
We are especially unconscious when we are tired, stressed or multi-tasking. Those times when we've gone to the supermarket, chatting on our cell phone, parked, shopped, and couldn't find our car when we were done.
Semi-Conscious State of Being
When we're semi-conscious, we believe the "stories" we've created in our minds instead of the facts before our eyes. We don't pay attention because we tell ourselves that we always remember where the car is parked and then don't remember.
Conscious State of Being
When we're conscious, we are aware of who we are and what we're doing, where we are and where we want to go. We remind ourselves to lock the car door, and look at the row where the car is parked. We bring everything we know, have experienced and have learned to that situation.
Applying
Consciousness to Dating
So, how do these manifest themselves when it comes to dating?
Unconscious Dating
In dating, we often let our unconscious patterns, feelings and
chemistry dictate our behavior and choices. We feel giddy and think
this must be "the one" when actually it is the excitement of a river of
hormones and chemicals that flow when we're attracted to another
person.
Solution: We can give ourselves the time it takes to know if it is
"chemistry" or "connection."
Semi-Conscious
Dating
If we are relying on partial or false information, or telling ourselves
a story, the dating choices we make can have devastating and long-term
consequences. We can find ourselves surprised by a cheating
partner when we knew their last 3 relationships ended because of their
infidelity. We may have told ourselves that they just didn't love those
other people the way they love us.
Solution: For a successful relationship, be clear about your
relationship requirements and committed to making sure they're met.
Sex & The
City Episode: Waking up to Reality
In a recent re-run of the television program "Sex & the City,"
Miranda is dating another lawyer, but he is always very negative. She
explains to her friends that he's under a lot of stress at work because
he's under review for partnership with in the firm.
She puts up with his
"glass-is-always-half-empty" attitude expecting it to change when he
gets the promotion. But, when he gets the position, he complains about
the people he has to work with, the work conditions, and so on. She
realizes that this is his pattern and not what she wants.
Conscious Dating
When dating consciously, we observe who this person is as a son,
worker, and friend. How does she or he treat the wait staff? How do
they treat you over time? It is important to have chemistry and follow
your heart to find "The One," but it is equally important to use your
head and know who he or she is, assess their character, values and
priorities and consciously decide if they complement yours.
Solution: To do this we must sharpen our clarity about our life vision,
relationship requirements, needs and wants.
The Importance of
Requirements
Requirements are the "must haves" in life and in our relationships.
Like water and air, we must have these things to survive and thrive,
and nothing else can substitute for them. If you want children and your
potential mate doesn't, there is simply no way to compromise without
someone giving up something essential to their well being and
happiness.
Solution: Being Conscious of what you Require and Need when dating
helps you sort out and select someone whose values are in alignment
with yours and who shares a similar life vision.
Our Relationship
Needs
Our Needs are different. While we must eat, our choices are varied --
fish one night, rice and beans another. We have room for compromise and
negotiation in getting our needs met. If you require someone for whom
visiting family is important, you can still negotiate when to plan the
visit, how to travel, and where to stay. Those needs can be met in any
number of ways.
Wants are Like
Dessert
Our Wants are like dessert. While ever so yummy, delicious and fun, we
can survive and even thrive without it. If you want to go to Greece
this summer, but can't, perhaps Paris in the spring will work.
With self-knowledge, you will be able to tell quickly if someone meets
your basic Requirements. With a little more time screen for closer
compatibility, and while enjoying the dating experience, test to see if
this is the person for you.
What are your Requirements, Needs and Wants? How clear are you about
your life vision? The Persian poet Kahlil Gibran wrote, "We choose our
joys and sorrows long before we experience them." Stay focused on the
type of relationship you desire so that your choices move you in the
direction of your vision.
Copyright © 2009 by Carol Baker. All rights reserved in all
media.
Carol Baxter
is a pastoral counselor who focuses on bringing out the heart of the
matter and bringing heart into your relationships. She is available for
office appointments in Port St. Lucie, Fl and consultations by phone. www.revcarolbaxter.com
772.785.7862
Bonus Article:
14 Compelling Reasons to Use a Relationship Coach
The coaching relationship
is unique and powerful, and really can help you find fulfillment in
your life and relationships. Below are some important reasons to use a
Relationship Coach, any ONE of which is compelling enough to get your
very own coach today. To find a RCI-trained coach, visit the Relationship
Coaching Institute.
1. You Value
Relationships Highly
You prioritize building fulfilling personal and professional
relationships. You realize that your success and quality of life is
directly connected to the quality of your relationships.
2. You are Committed
to Success
You are serious and intentional about having a fulfilling life
partnership, family, business, and community.
3. You Want Results
Working with a coach can move you farther and faster than you can on
your own.
4. You are Willing
to Learn
You realize that you don't know what you don't know, and your future
success may depend upon access to new relationship skills and
knowledge.
5. You are Ready for
Action
Using a coach can be the most effective means of translating knowledge
into practice. One of the most indispensable roles of a coach is to
help you use what you already know to make effective choices and take
the actions necessary to be successful.
6. You are Open to
Mentoring/Support
A Relationship Coach helps you to use your relationships to evolve and
develop relationship skills critical to your business success and
personal fulfillment. The process of self-discovery, learning about
relationships, and how to make successful relationship choices cannot
be effectively self-taught or obtained from a book or tape.
7. You Want
Fulfillment
You do not want to settle for less or risk preventable failure, and you
are willing to give yourself the gift of the support and technology
needed to be successful.
8. You Want to be
True to Yourself
A Relationship Coach helps keep you honest with yourself, helps
neutralize any tendency you may have to settle for less than you really
want, is good for providing "reality checks" and being a sounding
board.
9. You Want to be
Proactive
A Relationship Coach helps you solve problems while they are still
small.
10. You Want to Go
Beyond Your Limits
A Relationship Coach holds your highest vision for you beyond your
fears and limitations, and helps you overcome your obstacles and
challenges.
11. You Want to Take
Responsibility
A Relationship Coach helps you take responsibility for the quality of
your relationships so that you can create them the way you want.
12. You Want to Live
Authentically
Today's world is filled with challenges to finding and staying on your
highest path, telling your truth, and making choices that are best for
you. A Relationship Coach helps you identify and live the life you
really want, and to be more of the person you really are and want to
be.
13. You Want Balance
in Your Life
Your life is filled with opportunities and conflicting choices. You
recognize the importance of creating and maintaining balance in
relationships, including the ones you have with yourself and your
higher power.
14. You Want New
Possibilities for Your Relationships
You recognize that a healthy relationship is growing and dynamic. One
of the worst things that can happen is to take one another or the
relationship for granted. Opening to new possibilities helps a
good relationship get better with the passage of time. A Relationship
Coach helps you to continually discover and implement new and more
fulfilling possibilities for your life and relationships.
Copyright © 2009 by David Steele, Founder, Relationship
Coaching Institute. All rights reserved in all media.
Conscious Dating Resources
Conscious Dating Audio Programs
- Conscious Dating for Boomers: Finding Love After 50
- Conscious Dating at a Distance: What to Do When You're Attracted to Someone 1500 Miles Away
- Ten Steps for Finding Your Soul Mate
- Conscious Internet Dating: Using Your Computer to Find Your Soul Mate
- Check Out Our Advanced Consicous Dating Strategies Audio Package
- New! Conscious Mating Audio Programs
Visit our website at relationshipcoachinginstitute.com for cutting-edge information and tools for finding the love of your life, including:
Listen to outstanding audio programs such as "Find the Love of Your Life AND The Life That You Love" and "Conscious Dating for Relationship Success"
Access our Knowledge Bank for innovative relationship tools, strategies and concepts
Check out our talented RCI-trained Relationship Coaches at relationshipcoachinginstitute.com/resourcecatalog.htm
For More Information
Are
you a coach or other helping professional who works with singles and
couples? If you want to know more about adding the Conscious Dating
Relationship Coaching tools to your professional toolbox, visit relationshipcoachinginstitute.com
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Links to Us
Contact
Tara Kachaturoff | Editor,
Conscious Dating Newsletter for Singles
Tara@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com
________________________________________
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