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How and when do you communicate them to others?
"One of my
relationship requirements is that
I only date someone who's employed."
This column answers
questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to
who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue,
we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.
I met an automotive engineer about 5 months ago and we started dating.
The chemistry is there, we have a great time and we're both interested
in a long-term commitment. He was in management at GM and just got laid
off. He's in his late 50's and his prospects for finding another
position are slim to none. He's down, dejected, and extremely worried.
One of my relationship
requirements is that I only date someone who's employed. Given my own
personal struggles with money and having worked hard for everything I
have, I don't want to be in any circumstances that involve struggle,
strife, or issues around money.
I never communicated to
him, in a direct way, that I would never date someone who didn't have a
job. I know what I need to do - break up with him. I'm not willing to
give up my own requirements, but at the same time, this is not going to
be easy. And, yes, I know anyone can lose their job at any time.
I think I understand
what requirements are - things I must have in the relationship in order
for me to be in that relationship. They are non-negotiable. My question
is how and when in the relationship do you communicate your
requirements to someone you're dating? And, then, what do you do when a
requirement is violated well into a relationship - when you're possibly
married? What's your advice?
from Bloomfield Hills
When guiding my clients in developing and implementing their
requirements, I remind them to recognize extenuating circumstances that
may occur along the path of their relationship.
Once discovered, they
then discern a healthy amount of time to allow the situation to correct
itself. In your case, before you decide to end this relationship, I
would view the past history of this gentleman and his employment
During these economic
times, many people are finding themselves in positions they never
fathomed would occur. True, he may not be able to find a position as a
manager in the field of automotive engineering, but there are several
other positions that require his knowledge -- for instance, as a
consultant for attorneys regarding car accidents. Does he have a
history of bouncing between jobs? Is his work ethic what you would want
in a partner?
You haven't decided to
marry him yet, you're not living together, and you're not supporting
him. Chemistry and connection are not that easy to come by. Put
yourself in his position and ask yourself what you would need in this
difficult time. Requirements are designed to protect you from creating
something that is unhealthy and unproductive in a relationship.
Another test of a
relationship, however, is not giving up at the first signs of conflict
or distress. As to when requirements should be discussed with a
potential partner, I often guide my clients to share them within the
first three months of a developing relationship.
Wallingford | www.Focusing-Forward.com
I really empathize and understand you not wanting to be in a
relationship with someone who doesn't have a job or financial security.
Since you've been
dating for five months, I would suggest you talk to him honestly about
your fears. If there's absolutely no possibility he will find a job and
this is one of your absolute non-negotiables, to be fair to both of
you, it would be easier if you break this off now.
Regarding your question
about when to talk about requirements -- I encourage clients to find
this out as early in the relationship as possible for the benefit of
both people. If there's a spark and you want it to go further, open and
honest communication right from the beginning, usually over the first
4-5 dates, will tell you whether someone fits your requirements or not.
Writing a list of
requirements doesn't necessarily mean that they are all non-negotiable.
A list tells you exactly what you would like to have in your "ideal
relationship." However, there are also certain things you may
absolutely not want in a person/relationship and those are the ones
that become absolutely non-negotiable. For example, one of my
non-negotiables is "no smoking." If they smoke, even once a month, that
doesn't work for me.
If you haven't already,
I would suggest you read David Steele's book -- Conscious Dating:
Finding the Love of Your Life in Today's World -- which will provide
you with insight and suggestions about dating, requirements and
relationships. Joy and blessings for your future.
Hazel Palache | www.SayYestoYouCoaching.com
I appreciate how you've worked hard to create a stable situation for
yourself when it comes to money and how you won't settle for anything
less from the man with whom you're in a relationship.
Men usually need to be
settled in their career before they can focus on a relationship. Our
economy is playing havoc with this. If a single man is unemployed or
his career is in transition, he's unavailable for a committed
relationship. His focus will be on getting his work settled and under
control - which it should be.
Break up if you need
to, or just put the relationship on hold until he gets things figured
out money-wise. He needs your support now -- not your fear or judgment.
As to when to discuss
your non-negotiables, I teach singles to pre-qualify or disqualify a
potential partner in 5 minutes or less. Seriously, how long do you want
to be involved with someone if they don't meet your non-negotiables?
However, be sure you've done the work to be very clear about what you
must have in a relationship and know how to qualify a potential mate.
And, if your partner
violates your requirement after you've been together for a while, give
it all you've got to work it out before you leave. Maybe you weren't
clear, maybe your boundaries weren't strong, or maybe circumstances
have changed dramatically. Learning to work through things takes
courage and skills. Get the help you both need before you quit the
Katherin Scott | www.KatherinScott.com
What a great question about requirements. Let's look at your
requirement for dating someone who is employed. I see requirements as
values -- things that cannot change. Many times a job is something
around which we do not have control, whereas a value is how you live
your life. If I were coaching you, I would have you do work around that
For example, instead of having the requirement of dating someone who is
employed, it could be dating someone who is dependable, hardworking,
and financially responsible. All of these things are values-based and,
therefore, will not change with circumstances that are out of one's
control. Looking more deeply at your requirement will give you a better
idea of what you're really looking for in a partner and will make
dating much easier.
A good time to talk about requirements would be when you first start to
date. When you let people know what your values are from the beginning,
it's much easier to weed out those who do not fit who you're looking
for. Letting others know what is important to you will also give them
the opportunity to tell you what their values are - what's important to
When you've defined
your own requirements and you've found out those of the other person,
you should not have to worry about them changing over time. And, that's
what helps make for a lasting relationship. Good luck with your dating.
Lori Josephs | www.MyDatingBlueprint.com
Before trying to answer your questions, I want to comment on your
current situation. Clearly, you don't want have to worry about money in
your relationship, but I wonder if being unemployed isn't a temporary
situation. Don't you think such an educated, experienced, and capable
guy can find another job or start his own business?
It seems to me that "being employed" is, in part, an issue of
character. It might actually be interesting to see if he hits the
streets with fervor, meeting the challenge head on (perhaps after a
period of shock and recovery), or if he hits the skids, becoming a
down-and-out couch potato.
If he can adapt well to this situation, he may be someone worthwhile to
have by your side. Also, I wonder if the requirement of only dating
someone who is "employed" needs some clarification. Would working at a
fast-food restaurant meet your requirement?
As to your question about how and when to communicate your
requirements, I believe you should do so after quietly testing your
requirements and prior to any promises of exclusivity. A requirement
violation after marriage is more complex.
After making a marriage commitment, ending the relationship could be
complicated by shared property, children, and other such intertwining.
I believe that married couples should do everything that they can to
overcome the problems that stand in the way of a happy and fulfilling
relationship before choosing to leave the relationship.
The bottom line -- do the needed work to clarify and test your
requirements before marriage!
Leif E. Davis | www.ExtraordinaryLifeCenter.com
and Jo respond ...
We feel for you and your engineer. These are tough times, indeed. It
sounds like you have gone into a relationship that appears to be
committed, before you actually are ready to commit. This is a common
pitfall for singles who are under various pressures to become a couple
after they've dated for a while. This is the Mini-Marriage Trap!
We recommend you take a
step back from this relationship and work with a RCI coach to ...
- Uncover limiting
beliefs and to reveal your core values, life purpose and vision. Only
then can you commence the work of distinguishing your requirements
which are the foundation for a soulmate relationship. Requirements
cannot be distinguished without guidance and relationships should not
become committed until requirements have been tested and met. A
requirement is how you want to experience the relationship and the onus
is not solely on your partner, it's also about what you will bring to
the relationship to fulfill the requirement.
- Discover the
different stages of dating and place yourself in the pre-commitment
stage for this relationship, and,
- Learn how to test if
your requirements will be met inside this relationship.
You say that financial
security is a requirement for you. A RCI coach will help you see how
that would play out in the relationship with both of you being
responsible for the financial position of the relationship -- in the
face of whatever life throws at you.
In this case, you may
discover that your requirement is more about how this man is dealing
with his retrenchment rather than the fact he currently has no job.
Once you bring clarity to this requirement, you will know for sure if
this is the right relationship for you. And if it is not, your coach
will help you to develop the conversation to end the relationship in a
way that leaves you both empowered.
Rick and Jo
Harrison | www.SecretsToSoulmateSuccess.com
| +61 3 5420 7366
Spring: New Beginnings for Everything
- including relationships!
by Rick and Jo Harrison
It's that time of year
again. The days are gradually getting longer. The bulbs are shooting
their green spears skyward and flowering. Gorgeous aromas of jonquils
and jasmine and other beautiful flowers will soon drift on the warm
breezes of spring. Spring brings new life, and for many people, it is
the season when love is in the air!
The Big Clean-Up
Spring is also the
season for the "big clean-up." And, while most people put their efforts
into refreshing their living space, spring can also be the season to
refresh your heart and mind. We can do this by getting into
communication with people we have disconnected from, yet who are still
important to us.
Letting go of petty
grievances and expressing our wish to re-connect will re-create new
buds of love -- a bit like pruning the rose bush to encourage new
Keep in mind that some
people may not respond to your efforts in the way you'd like them to.
Don't worry - be proud that you made an effort and know that they were
touched by your attempt, regardless of how they responded to you.
Clear Fresh Perspective will Attract Your Soulmate
There are many
impediments to finding your soulmate, including all the emotional dust
and clutter that you have been gathering in your mind about yourself,
the opposite sex, relationships, and life in general. Most people don't
really notice the insidious accumulation of dust and clutter until
somebody else points it out!
Well, it's the same
with emotional dust and clutter. The thoughts we have about the
opposite sex, our past partners, love, relationships and life are just
like dust balls. They mysteriously tend to attract and accumulate more
dust unto themselves.
This is also true of
disempowering thoughts. Every time we re-visit those thoughts, we
unconsciously embellish them with a bit more angst, a bit more drama.
This phenomenon can show up in relationships as explosive outbursts of
emotion that seem to be way out of proportion to the triggering event.
Spring is a great time
to work with a RCI coach to distinguish and clean out your
disempowering thoughts, so that your soulmate is attracted to the
joyful energy emanating from your spirit, instead of being repelled by
a negative charge.
You Can Refresh Your Attitude and Approach
Negative attitudes and
limiting beliefs impact your life by focusing your energy on unhappy
past events and releasing unhappy emotions associated with those
Our past responses to
unhappy events were valid at that time - in the past. But, it's
important to clean out our minds and free ourselves of these thoughts
because their memory triggers negative emotions. These, in turn, will
attract like energy into our lives and thus the self-fulfilling
Do you want to refresh
your attitude and your approach to finding your soulmate this spring?
Here's a great exercise to help you get started ....
This exercise will
inspect your heart and mind. Just as you inspect the different areas of
the house to determine what needs cleaning or polishing, what needs to
be discarded, and what needs replacing, an inspection of your mind and
heart will reveal attitudes, beliefs and emotions that no longer serve
It is important to be
as brutally honest with yourself as you can, but don't dwell on any
statement for more than a second. If you find yourself stuck on a
question, it's because you are arguing or debating with yourself. Leave
that statement and quickly move on to the next one. At the end of the
exercise, you can return to unfinished statements to complete them.
It's much easier to
clean something when you can see it and recognize it as dirt. It's the
same with limiting beliefs. Once you've identified them, they lose
their power and you can clean them out and replace them with fresh
We've come up with a
list of leading statements to get you started. This process may trigger
other thoughts, beliefs and insights that you can write down and
investigate later. Complete each statement ...
(women) are ...
· My last partner was ...
· When I meet new people, I ...
· I wish that women (men) were more ...
· I wish I could find a man (woman) who was ...
· A good woman (man) is ...
· Finding a man (woman) is ...
· I'll never fall in love again because ...
· Being single is ...
· I am afraid people will find out I am ...
the Patterns and Attract Your Soulmate
Do you notice any
similarities in your responses to these questions? Look to see if
responses left you feeling empty, sad, resentful, or frustrated. Did it
reveal a pattern? It could be a repeating pattern of a certain
emotional response or of recurring results in your love life. Recurring
patterns indicate that you are trapped in some way.
Those patterns of
beliefs that are negatively charged have become self-fulfilling
prophecies and are a telltale sign that spring cleaning is required. If
you want something fresh and new, it's time to tidy up your mind!
Techniques to Spring Clean Your Limiting Beliefs
Take another look at
your responses above and see if any of those beliefs actually serve
you. Keep the ones that do and rid yourself of the ones that don't.
When you clean out the unwanted beliefs, you'll experience peace of
mind and clarity -- which is a beautiful space in which to create new
Here are five
techniques for cleaning the limiting beliefs from your mind:
Clean it up. Have you been
gossiping about a former partner or "trashing" them to your friends?
Make a commitment to end this now. Let your friends know about your new
commitment, and ask them to support you in keeping this space of your
life clean and tidy.
Forgive. If you have been
hurt, forgive the person. Holding on to resentment and blame impacts
YOUR life -- not the person who hurt you. "Resentment is like taking
poison and waiting for the other person to die." (Malachy McCourt)
Forgiveness is like
spring itself; it allows new growth. Sometimes, it can be easier to
forgive if you remember that you are forgiving the person - not the
behavior that upset you.
Discard your negative beliefs; toss them out of your mind.
And, if you notice them sneaking back into your thoughts, just toss
them out again! For example, thinking that, "I'll never find true love"
is really rubbish. Get rid of it! Tell yourself, "I don't believe that
Re-frame or create a new belief.
It's important you create new beliefs because if you don't, your mind
will sneak outside to the trash can, find what you've thrown out, and
while you're not noticing, toss the trash back into the freshly cleaned
house of your mind.
don't like meeting new people because I fear they will reject me."
Instead, reframe it as, "I am confident meeting new people because I
love and accept myself." State your new belief as if it is happening
doesn't know the difference between reality and make-believe. If a
thought is handed down from the conscious mind, the unconscious mind
accepts it as fact. Notice how good your new belief feels when you say
Persist with the above. It
takes 30 days to acquire a new habit, so stick with these actions.
Review these techniques each day, for a month, and watch your life
It All Begins with You
As finding and
attracting your soulmate into your life may require some
soul-searching, you may benefit from guidance and encouragement from a
To attract your
soulmate, you must create space for them in your soul and your life.
Get the metaphysical "shears" out and "prune" those limiting beliefs.
Your results reflect your beliefs. Toss out negative limiting beliefs,
create a new space, practice your affirming beliefs, persevere and
notice your new results!
Copyright © 2009 by Rick and Jo Harrison. All rights reserved
in all media.
and Jo Harrison both made
classic relationship mistakes before choosing each other as soulmates.
They are both Licensed Coaches with RCI and live in Australia. They
dovetail their own experiences and their training with Relationship
Coaching Institute to empower singles to attract their soulmate. www.SecretsToSoulmateSuccess.com
The Ten Principles of Conscious Dating
Institute | David Steele, Founder
Know who you are and what you want and need
What we know about
ourselves is only the tip of the iceberg, and what lies below the
surface is what we aren't aware of. And, that is the information we
need to discover in order to be fulfilled and happy.
Learn how to get what you want
Assess and acquire the
information, tools, and skills you will need to become more conscious.
Develop creative strategies and action plans. When you fail to plan,
you plan to fail.
Be the "chooser"
Take initiative and
responsibility for the outcomes. Don't react to what, or who, chooses
you. Seek to create what you want in your life by taking control and
Balance your heart with you head
Make your relationship
choices consciously. It's still exciting and is a whole lot safer!
Be ready and available for commitment
Live your life and
bring your dating strategy into alignment with how ready you really are
for a committed relationship.
Use the Law of Attraction
Be the partner that you
are seeking. Live your life authentically and consciously, knowing the
more you express who are really are, the easier it will be to attract a
partner who will love you because of who you are, instead of in spite
Gain relationship knowledge and skills
Prepare for the love of
your life by learning about relationships, improving your relationship
skills, and deepening your relationships with your family, friends, and
colleagues. Date for fun and practice. Take more emotional risks. Read
about relationships. Get relationship coaching. Take relationship
classes and workshops.
Create a support community
Isolated singles become
lonely in their relationships when they focus on a partner to meet all
of their social and emotional needs. Build a social network that will
meet your needs.
To get what you really
want, you need to say "no" to what you don't want.
Be a successful single
Don't put your life on
hold waiting for a relationship to happen. Live your life vision and
purpose while you are single. The best way to find and attract your
life partner is to be a happy, successful single person living the life
that you really want.
2009 by Relationship
Coaching Institute. All rights
reserved. Reproduction of this material in part of in whole is
prohibited except for licensed users.
our website at relationshipcoachinginstitute.com
for cutting-edge information and tools for finding the love of your
Listen to outstanding audio programs such as "Find the Love of Your
Life AND The Life That You Love" and "Conscious Dating for Relationship
Access our Knowledge Bank for innovative relationship tools, strategies
Check out our talented RCI-trained Relationship Coaches at relationshipcoachinginstitute.com/resourcecatalog.htm
Are you a coach or other helping professional who works with singles
and couples? If you want to know more about adding the Conscious Dating
Relationship Coaching tools to your professional toolbox, visit relationshipcoachinginstitute.com
Please share this newsletter with your single friends, family, and
co-workers, and you can be a partner in their success, too!
Links to Us
Tara Kachaturoff |
Editor, Conscious Dating
Newsletter for Singles Tara@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com
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catalog for singles at relationshipcoachinginstitute.com/resourcecatalog.htm
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