Brought to you by The
Step and Blended Family Institute, in partnership with RCI.
These programs provide
advanced information, strategies, and tips to help you find the love of
Each program includes the
MP3 audio recording, complete written transcript, and Study Guide to
follow along and take notes.
Program #1- Are You
Ready for Love?
Program #2- Being The
Program #3- Ten Steps
for Finding Your Soul Mate
Program #4- Conscious
Dating: How to Connect to Your Life Vision
Program #5- Conscious
Dating for Boomers: Finding Love After 50
Program #6- Scouting:
Where to Find Your Soul Mate
Program #7- Advanced
Strategies for Sorting, Screening, and Testing
Program #8- Conscious
Internet Dating: Using Your Computer to Find Your Soul Mate
Dating at a Distance: What to Do When You're Attracted to Someone 1200
them out at www.ConsciousDatingAudio.com
dating someone do you ever wonder-
"Is this the right
relationship for me?"
Our Conscious Mating
Audio Programs provide detailed, comprehensive strategies for dating
and mating, addressing all the relationship and decision-making
challenges that arise when you're single and seeking your soul mate.
These audio programs
are recorded from our live tele-seminars and include the MP3 audio file
for playing on your computer, MP3 player (iPod or other), or burning
onto a CD, AND a complete PDF transcript for following along and making
Program #1- Is This
the Right Relationship for Me? Introduction to the Pre-commitment Stage
Program #2- Am I
Ready to Be a Couple?
Program #3- Finding
Lasting Love by Experiencing Your Experience
Program #4- Should We
Program #5- Dealing
With Our Baggage
Program #6- Are We
Program #7- Sharing
Program #8- Deciding
"Is This The One?"
Program #9- When We
Must Say Goodbye
them out at www.ConsciousMatingAudio.com
Speed Dating: What's the best way to prepare?
"What are the
best or right questions to ask? What types of information should I
This column answers
questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to
who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue,
we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.
I really want to settle down and get married. I'm in my mid thirties
and professionally employed. I've dated regularly, but just haven't
found the right woman. I attend various singles events and enjoy the
friends I've made and the social part as well.
There's a speed dating event that's coming up and I've never done that
before, but it sounds like fun and I'm excited about the potential to
meet someone new. What's the best way to prepare for something like
this? It's a 7-minute speed date. What are the best or right questions
to ask? What types of information should I share? What's your advice?
As a host of speed
dating events, this is what I would suggest:
1. Image is extremely important. Speed dating is very much based on
first impressions and "chemistry," so dress sharply. I'd suggest a suit
and tie with pocket scarf, or if you just aren't the "suit type," wear
dress slacks, dress shoes, and a pressed dress shirt tucked in.
2. Do come prepared
with four things you want each woman to know about you. Make these
facts items that are funny, memorable, or admirable. For example: a
special award you recently won at work, the fact that you skydive, that
you were the State Disco Dance Winner of New Jersey in 1978, or that
you published a book – anything that makes you stand out from
"the average Joe."
3. Have at least 5
questions ready that you want to ask the lady before you. These should
be important sorting questions that qualify whether the woman would
meet necessary requirements for you to be happy in a relationship. For
example, if you want children, does she? If you only enjoy warm weather
vacations, does she, or is she a snow-skiing advocate?
4. Take a pad and
pencil and write notes after each turn. Create codes that only you
would understand which will help you rate the encounter. Use a 1 to 10
scale, or use letters to define your top choices because after several
turns of meeting different people, details could become a blur. Make
sure you get each person's name, and note one fact about them to help
you remember them.
5. If you find someone
in front of you that you really like, do not hesitate to offer your
phone number or ask her for a drink after the event. There are usually
a few women that really stand out that every male participant desires
-- so act fast!
6. Be polite to
everyone. Show that you are a true gentleman because even if the woman
in front of you is not right for you, her best friend may be. Good luck
and have fun!
Riana Milne, MA,
LPC, LCADC, SAC | www.RianaMilne.com
Lori responds …
Congratulations on being proactive with your dating life. In preparing
for this type of event, make sure you know what your requirements are.
Requirements are what you must have in a relationship for it to work
for you -- so ask questions that revolve around what you must have.
For example, someone
who leads a healthy lifestyle would not be well suited to be with a
smoker. In this case, you would want to ask a question that relates to
your requirement around healthful living. Finding out this information
from the very beginning will give you an idea if your lifestyles are
matched up. By orienting your questions around your relationship
requirements, it's easier to select those individuals who are better
suited for you.
Because you don't have much time with each person you meet at an event,
make sure to ask important questions, but also provide information that
reflects your values. This can help you select people who would be a
good fit and, at the same time, it can open up further possibilities
for those who have requirements and values which are highly aligned
Lori Josephs | www.MyDatingBLUEPRINT.com
Rick and Jo respond ...
Speed dating can be great for practicing one of the essential skills of
Conscious Dating – sorting. Sorting is a 5 to 10 minute
conversation aimed at quickly separating the "wheat from the chaff."
The question is, What filter do you use to decide who is "wheat" and
who is "chaff"?
RCI has developed a proven process for filtering potential partners to
maximize your propensity for success in attracting your soulmate.
"Requirements" are a specific distinction pertaining to the must-have
elements for your unique soulmate relationship.
If you are not clear on your requirements, it is likely you'll fall
into the common dating traps that result in dysfunctional dating and
relationships. To be really clear on your requirements takes doing some
work with a coach who is trained in the distinction, because your
requirements are drawn from a structured exploration that reveals your
values, vision and life purpose.
Being clear about your requirements will allow you to quickly eliminate
contenders who are a poor match for you, without the negative charge
usually associated with saying "no" to someone.
Marc, if you really are serious about attracting your soulmate, I
recommend you check this speed dating event out with no expectations,
and in the meantime, register with an RCI coach for some training in
how to become a Conscious Dater.
Keep in mind that who
you're looking for is who is looking for you. Being fully aware of who
you are, what your life is for, and how your soulmate relationship will
look and feel, will clear the way for you and your soulmate to connect.
Rick and Jo
Harrison | www.SoulmateSuccess.com
Speed dating events combine both the good and the bad of dating. It's
good because you can meet a group of pre-qualified people in a short
amount of time. It's bad because it makes it easier to fall into the
Dating Traps of Packaging and Attraction.
The Packaging Trap is when you focus on someone's looks, while the
Attraction Trap is when you make your choices based solely on feelings
of attraction. When you focus on looks or expect to feel a certain way
when you meet someone new, you lose your ability to make conscious
choices necessary to predict a relationship's potential.
In order to overcome
these traps, I suggest you ask questions that will give you a lot of
good information in a short amount of time.
Here are two examples:
#1 Ask her, "Tell me
about a goal you accomplished or an obstacle you overcame in your
life." Learning how your dating partner has dealt with challenges or
hardships tells you about her ability to adapt and change. Knowing what
she has learned as a result of reaching a goal or overcoming an
obstacle lets you know how she may handle them in the future.
#2 "What do you like about your life?" It's important to know whether
your dating partner is happy and why. Find out what gives her life
meaning. This gives you a window into her attitude and mind-set,
important qualities that can have a great impact in a relationship.
Remember though, you only have 7 or 8 minutes, so don't probe too much!
Plus, she gets to ask you some questions, too. The goal of speed dating
is to determine if you want to go out on a real date later. That's why
it's ultra-important to "be the chooser." Good luck!
Janice D. Bennett,
Ph.D. | www.DoctorLoveCoach.com
You're smart to want to
prepare for a speed dating event. Here are some things to think about
prior to the event:
1. Dress well and comfortably. Wear a shirt the color of your eyes to
make your eyes stand out. If you have brown eyes, wear a shirt in your
"blush tone," such as burgundy. It will make your cheeks glow.
2. Pay attention to your body language. Mirror and match your date's
body language to make them feel comfortable with you. Open body
language (no crossed arms) and direct eye contact are very important
when making a good impression.
3. Be confident. Use the "eyebrow flash" (quickly raising eyebrows) as
you say "hello" and introduce yourself. Stay focused on your date --
your date will feel important and you'll feel less nervous.
4. Speak positively. Don't talk negatively about your work, your ex(s),
or anything else for that matter. Your intention is to get to know the
other person, not to rant about what's not working in your life.
5. Ask clarifying and open-ended questions. Ask questions to determine
if your date meets your non-negotiable requirements. Work with a dating
coach prior to the event if you're not sure about your "must-haves."
Ask "conversational" questions rather than questions which sound more
like an interview or, worse yet, an interrogation. Good examples of
questions include, "What do you do for fun?" or "Where's your favorite
6. Be open. Say "Yes!" to someone outside of your usual dating choices.
7. And, finally …Smile and have fun!
Katherin Scott | www.KatherinScott.com
Speed dating can be enormously fun if you relate to it with the proper
spirit. Getting to know - fairly quickly - several new potential dating
partners or friends in one evening is a great opportunity if done well.
1. Develop a personal
"elevator speech" that can help someone know who you are, your values,
passions, how you like to have fun, and other issues important to you.
2. Play with the idea
of sharing the elevator speech in countless ways. There are thousands
of ways to do so based on whom you are talking to, the vibe of the
conversation and the environment you are in.
3. Listen carefully to
who you are talking to by listening to their vibe, their humor, their
seriousness, and their pace -- as if you were participating in an
improvisational theatre or comedy-improv game.
4. Most of all, enjoy
the humor and ironies of a fun and almost paradoxically silly
environment as speed dating. Getting to know somebody is a process that
can involve years in the making.
Dabby | www.AtlantaRelationshipCoach.com
The ABCs of Successful Relationships
this month's article, RCI coach Michelle Vasquez takes us through the
"relationship alphabet," sharing thoughtful tips and suggestions for
enriching all the relationships of our lives. These wonderful reminders
are helpful to those who are just entering a new relationship, those in
a relationship, as well as for those who are still searching for the
love of their life.
and acceptance. Many people
need appreciation more than they need love. Accepting your partner and
letting go of the need to fix him/her is a sign of maturity and will
help you live a more peaceful life.
See your partner with loving eyes. Remember, daily, why you chose to be
commitment, you don't have a relationship. Commitment is the glue that
holds the relationship together. When you're committed, you're saying,
"I'll do whatever it takes to make my relationship work."
When you defend yourself, you are looking at your partner as if he or
she were your enemy. Seek first to understand instead of raising your
Invest in your relationship by being generous with your words of
We all make mistakes. Choose to be the first to forgive and you'll find
that you're forgiven quickly when you mess up.
to find reasons to be grateful for your relationship. Start a gratitude
journal and list three things you're grateful for every day. You'll be
pleasantly surprised at the results.
Brutal honesty and "constructive criticism" have no place in a
relationship. Tactfully expressing your thoughts and feelings creates a
safe place for your relationship to grow. This is the kind of honesty
that nourishes relationships.
This is a balance between the extremes of codependency and extreme
independence. People in successful relationships know they can depend
on each other while still having the freedom to learn and grow in their
own interests. They are secure with themselves and in their
your excitement to each other when you have successes. Find reasons to
be joyful. Watch silly comedies if you can't find a reason to laugh.
Laughter is a crucial element in successful relationships.
Practice random acts of kindness in your relationship. Think "simple
and small." It will be noticed and appreciated.
Be respectful of your partner's privacy. If you speak about your
partner to others, make sure you say kind things about her or him.
Remember that if you gain sympathy from friends and family by telling
them how bad your partner is, they may also resent your partner (and
you) when you resolve the conflict. Talk to a professional instead
– whether it be a relationship coach, a marriage counselor, a
pastor or a priest.
Maturity means you can choose whether to engage in an argument. You can
step back and assess a situation without jumping to conclusions. You're
ready to listen to your partner. You avoid mind-reading, and instead,
you seek to understand.
differences. When you have
the inevitable conflicts, you look for solutions and stay away from
blame. Blame makes you the victim and keeps you from taking
responsibility. It stunts your personal growth.
Open to new ideas.
You choose to live an aware life on a path of growth. You realize that
your relationship needs nurturing to grow.
You'll know your partner's likes and dislikes if you simply pay
attention. Be aware of your partner's successes and failures. Share in
the joy and be attentive to their pain.
together. Quality time
together doesn't always mean "talk time." Watch a movie, read a book,
or simply be in the same room together. These are simple ways to spend
quiet time together.
The old adage "give respect to get respect" is really important in your
relationship. If you belittle and criticize your partner, and then
complain that she or he doesn't respect you, you're expecting your
partner to change first. That rarely works. What else can you do?
system. You need support to
keep your relationship viable. If it takes a whole village to raise a
child, it takes a whole village to help a relationship thrive. Surround
yourself with people who want your relationship to succeed.
Decide to give your partner your trust. In return, be trustworthy.
When relationships go sour, somebody got selfish. Examine your
behavior. Do you always want things your way? Do you think of yourself
Unless your relationship began with a shotgun (shotgun wedding), you
volunteered to be here. Nobody forced you to be in this relationship.
When you volunteer to do something, you commit to being there and doing
what it takes to get the job done.
Too many times when people argue, they punish each other with cold,
silent withdrawal. Keep in mind that you can take time apart to think
over your differences without resorting to a week of silent treatment.
Create a new strategy for conflict. Agree to take a break to cool off
and work on finding a solution.
The word "xenial" relates to being kind to strangers. If you treat your
partner the way you would treat a stranger, with politeness and
courtesy, you will avoid the trap of that old Mills Brothers' song,
"You always hurt the one you love, the one you shouldn't hurt at all."
This doesn't mean you just have to "just take it" when you're in a
conflict. The ability to yield demands a high level of maturity and
self-confidence. You can stop a fight by simply yielding. It doesn't
mean you think you're wrong; it can mean you would rather "win" the
relationship than win the argument.
Zeal and zest.
Be passionate about your relationship. Celebrate your successes
together. Take time to remember why you fell in love with each other.
Copyright © 2009 by Michelle Vasquez. All rights reserved in
Vásquez, MS, LPC,
is an RCI Relationship Coach who helps singles and couples attract the
life they want and create the relationships that bring them joy. She
specializes in working with couples who are experiencing relationship
difficulties as well as with singles who want to find the love of their
Embrace Change in Your Relationships
By Don Bailey
In this past year's
political campaign, "change" was the active word. Certainly in our
current financial, political and security-concerned world, "change" is
needed and we each voted for the person we felt would bring about the
best change to help our lives.
Most of that change is
outside our control other than through the casting of our vote.
However, in our own lives, we also have turmoil and the need for
change. I have a philosophy of life which is not new, but which works
very well for me. It is, "If what you are doing is working, keep doing
it; if it isn't, CHANGE." It's insanity to continue with behavior that
doesn't work and which brings you and others pain.
Many of us are resistant to change for a very simple reason -- it is
hard work, at least for a while, until the changed behavior becomes our
new norm and we begin to feel the benefits of the change that has been
Change in our
relationship is no different than any other accomplishment in life in
that it requires the development of a plan. Let's look at some action
steps that can lead you to a changed and rewarding relationship.
Focus on Past
Write down changes that
you have made in the past and note the benefits that resulted. Keep
this as an active list and review it periodically to confirm the
benefit of change in your life. Can you think of one change right now
that "rocked" your life or a relationship in the last year?
Examine Your Dreams
Seldom are our dreams
achieved without making change. Whether it's the dream of a better
marriage, finding the right mate after so many bad experiences, or
simply getting along better with a co-worker, change will be required
to make it happen. If the dream is worth having, commit to the work.
What's your greatest relationship dream today?
Define Your Obstacles to Change
What obstacles are you
dealing with? These may be limiting beliefs, circumstances you can
control or people that hold you back. They are things that get in your
way of making positive change. They may be wasting your time and
energy. Review this list weekly and make plans to eliminate the
obstacles. Think of one right now. How do you plan to remove it?
Choose to View
Change as a Challenge
Instead of looking at change as something you "have to do," look at it
as something you "want to do" because of the great benefit it will
bring to your relationships. View it as "for you" and see the
"new you" and the improvement it will bring in you. What
challenge are you ready to take on?
Stop Looking to
Give up on what you are leaving behind and focus on the
future. Dwelling in the past just keeps us there.
Instead of saying, "I
could've….would've….should've, " instead say, "I
can…I will…I must." What behavior from your past
do you need to leave behind?
Find a Change
Ask someone to be you change partner or accountability partner. Hold
each other responsible for sticking to your plans. Can you think of one
person right now who could become your change partner?
Life is a constant flurry of change coming at us, and unfortunately,
all of this brings great stress on our relationships, especially our
love relationships. We need to accept the reality of this ongoing
change and learn how to make it a positive for us. Become part of the
solution, rather than remaining part of the problem.
Copyright © 2009 by Don Bailey. All rights reserved in all
Bailey is the founder of
LIFECare Coaching/Counseling. He is an ordained minister, a
Board Certified Pastoral Counselor and RCI Licensed Relationship Coach.
His passion is to see new love relationships "begin right"
and existing ones "reach their peak."www.LifeCareCoach.net
F`ree monthy Conscious
Dating Audio Programs
our website at www.ConsciousDating.org
for FREE cutting-edge information and tools for finding the love of
your life, including:
" Register for our 5-Day e-Program for Singles, "How To Find Your Life
" Take our proprietary Relationship Readiness Quiz
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" Access our Knowledge Bank for innovative relationship tools,
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" Check out our talented RCI-trained Relationship Coaches at www.ConsciousDating.org/coach
a resource for singles offered by Relationship Coaching Institute, is a
worldwide relationship coaching organization dedicated to helping you
'find the love of your life AND the life that you love'. For more
information about us, please visit our web site at www.consciousdating.org
Tired of being alone? Get a Relationship Coach! Check out our coaches
NEW RELATIONSHIP? Congratulations in moving forward in your life
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Links to Us
Tara Kachaturoff |
Editor, Conscious Dating
Newsletter for Singles Tara@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com
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