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January 2009

In this issue:

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Conscious Relationship Podcast

David Steele
David Steele
Relationship Coaching Institute

Frankie Doiron
President & CEO
Relationship Coaching Institute

Tara Kachaturoff - Photo
Tara Kachaturoff
Editor | Conscious Dating News

Copyright 2008 by All rights reserved.

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Step-Dating Tele-Conference Event
January 22, 2009
9-11 pm Eastern

Brought to you by The Step and Blended Family Institute, in partnership with RCI.

This event is for you if you:
• Are a Single Parent thinking about Dating
• Are wondering about dating someone with kids
• Are a Dating Couple with children in the mix
• Are a Dating Couple considering a serious commitment and blending your lives together

To register for this complimentary Tele-Conference go to:

Advanced Conscious Dating Strategies

These programs provide advanced information, strategies, and tips to help you find the love of your life.

Each program includes the MP3 audio recording, complete written transcript, and Study Guide to follow along and take notes.

Program #1- Are You Ready for Love?

Program #2- Being The Chooser

Program #3- Ten Steps for Finding Your Soul Mate

Program #4- Conscious Dating: How to Connect to Your Life Vision

Program #5- Conscious Dating for Boomers: Finding Love After 50

Program #6- Scouting: Where to Find Your Soul Mate

Program #7- Advanced Strategies for Sorting, Screening, and Testing

Program #8- Conscious Internet Dating: Using Your Computer to Find Your Soul Mate

Program #9-Conscious Dating at a Distance: What to Do When You're Attracted to Someone 1200 Miles Away

Check them out at

Conscious Dating Virtual Coaching Program for Singles

When dating someone do you ever wonder-
"Is this the right relationship for me?"

Our Conscious Mating Audio Programs provide detailed, comprehensive strategies for dating and mating, addressing all the relationship and decision-making challenges that arise when you're single and seeking your soul mate.

These audio programs are recorded from our live tele-seminars and include the MP3 audio file for playing on your computer, MP3 player (iPod or other), or burning onto a CD, AND a complete PDF transcript for following along and making notes.

Program #1- Is This the Right Relationship for Me? Introduction to the Pre-commitment Stage

Program #2- Am I Ready to Be a Couple?

Program #3- Finding Lasting Love by Experiencing Your Experience

Program #4- Should We Live Together?

Program #5- Dealing With Our Baggage

Program #6- Are We Compatible?

Program #7- Sharing Our Vision

Program #8- Deciding "Is This The One?"

Program #9- When We Must Say Goodbye

Check them out at


Ask Our Coaches:
Speed Dating: What's the best way to prepare?

"What are the best or right questions to ask? What types of information should I share?"

This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.

Dear Coaches,

I really want to settle down and get married. I'm in my mid thirties and professionally employed. I've dated regularly, but just haven't found the right woman. I attend various singles events and enjoy the friends I've made and the social part as well.

There's a speed dating event that's coming up and I've never done that before, but it sounds like fun and I'm excited about the potential to meet someone new. What's the best way to prepare for something like this? It's a 7-minute speed date. What are the best or right questions to ask? What types of information should I share? What's your advice?

Marc from Montreal

Riana responds …

As a host of speed dating events, this is what I would suggest:

1. Image is extremely important. Speed dating is very much based on first impressions and "chemistry," so dress sharply. I'd suggest a suit and tie with pocket scarf, or if you just aren't the "suit type," wear dress slacks, dress shoes, and a pressed dress shirt tucked in.

2. Do come prepared with four things you want each woman to know about you. Make these facts items that are funny, memorable, or admirable. For example: a special award you recently won at work, the fact that you skydive, that you were the State Disco Dance Winner of New Jersey in 1978, or that you published a book – anything that makes you stand out from "the average Joe."

3. Have at least 5 questions ready that you want to ask the lady before you. These should be important sorting questions that qualify whether the woman would meet necessary requirements for you to be happy in a relationship. For example, if you want children, does she? If you only enjoy warm weather vacations, does she, or is she a snow-skiing advocate?

4. Take a pad and pencil and write notes after each turn. Create codes that only you would understand which will help you rate the encounter. Use a 1 to 10 scale, or use letters to define your top choices because after several turns of meeting different people, details could become a blur. Make sure you get each person's name, and note one fact about them to help you remember them.

5. If you find someone in front of you that you really like, do not hesitate to offer your phone number or ask her for a drink after the event. There are usually a few women that really stand out that every male participant desires -- so act fast!

6. Be polite to everyone. Show that you are a true gentleman because even if the woman in front of you is not right for you, her best friend may be. Good luck and have fun!

Riana Milne, MA, LPC, LCADC, SAC | | 609.601.7887

Lori responds …

Congratulations on being proactive with your dating life. In preparing for this type of event, make sure you know what your requirements are. Requirements are what you must have in a relationship for it to work for you -- so ask questions that revolve around what you must have.

For example, someone who leads a healthy lifestyle would not be well suited to be with a smoker. In this case, you would want to ask a question that relates to your requirement around healthful living. Finding out this information from the very beginning will give you an idea if your lifestyles are matched up. By orienting your questions around your relationship requirements, it's easier to select those individuals who are better suited for you.

Because you don't have much time with each person you meet at an event, make sure to ask important questions, but also provide information that reflects your values. This can help you select people who would be a good fit and, at the same time, it can open up further possibilities for those who have requirements and values which are highly aligned with yours.

Lori Josephs | | 248.529.3375

Rick and Jo respond ...

Speed dating can be great for practicing one of the essential skills of Conscious Dating – sorting. Sorting is a 5 to 10 minute conversation aimed at quickly separating the "wheat from the chaff." The question is, What filter do you use to decide who is "wheat" and who is "chaff"?

RCI has developed a proven process for filtering potential partners to maximize your propensity for success in attracting your soulmate. "Requirements" are a specific distinction pertaining to the must-have elements for your unique soulmate relationship.

If you are not clear on your requirements, it is likely you'll fall into the common dating traps that result in dysfunctional dating and relationships. To be really clear on your requirements takes doing some work with a coach who is trained in the distinction, because your requirements are drawn from a structured exploration that reveals your values, vision and life purpose.

Being clear about your requirements will allow you to quickly eliminate contenders who are a poor match for you, without the negative charge usually associated with saying "no" to someone.

Marc, if you really are serious about attracting your soulmate, I recommend you check this speed dating event out with no expectations, and in the meantime, register with an RCI coach for some training in how to become a Conscious Dater.

Keep in mind that who you're looking for is who is looking for you. Being fully aware of who you are, what your life is for, and how your soulmate relationship will look and feel, will clear the way for you and your soulmate to connect.

Rick and Jo Harrison | | +613.5420.7366

Janice responds …

Speed dating events combine both the good and the bad of dating. It's good because you can meet a group of pre-qualified people in a short amount of time. It's bad because it makes it easier to fall into the Dating Traps of Packaging and Attraction.

The Packaging Trap is when you focus on someone's looks, while the Attraction Trap is when you make your choices based solely on feelings of attraction. When you focus on looks or expect to feel a certain way when you meet someone new, you lose your ability to make conscious choices necessary to predict a relationship's potential.

In order to overcome these traps, I suggest you ask questions that will give you a lot of good information in a short amount of time.

Here are two examples:

#1 Ask her, "Tell me about a goal you accomplished or an obstacle you overcame in your life." Learning how your dating partner has dealt with challenges or hardships tells you about her ability to adapt and change. Knowing what she has learned as a result of reaching a goal or overcoming an obstacle lets you know how she may handle them in the future.

#2 "What do you like about your life?" It's important to know whether your dating partner is happy and why. Find out what gives her life meaning. This gives you a window into her attitude and mind-set, important qualities that can have a great impact in a relationship.

Remember though, you only have 7 or 8 minutes, so don't probe too much! Plus, she gets to ask you some questions, too. The goal of speed dating is to determine if you want to go out on a real date later. That's why it's ultra-important to "be the chooser." Good luck!

Janice D. Bennett, Ph.D. | | 212.874.1470

Katherin responds ...

You're smart to want to prepare for a speed dating event. Here are some things to think about prior to the event:

1. Dress well and comfortably. Wear a shirt the color of your eyes to make your eyes stand out. If you have brown eyes, wear a shirt in your "blush tone," such as burgundy. It will make your cheeks glow.

2. Pay attention to your body language. Mirror and match your date's body language to make them feel comfortable with you. Open body language (no crossed arms) and direct eye contact are very important when making a good impression.

3. Be confident. Use the "eyebrow flash" (quickly raising eyebrows) as you say "hello" and introduce yourself. Stay focused on your date -- your date will feel important and you'll feel less nervous.

4. Speak positively. Don't talk negatively about your work, your ex(s), or anything else for that matter. Your intention is to get to know the other person, not to rant about what's not working in your life.

5. Ask clarifying and open-ended questions. Ask questions to determine if your date meets your non-negotiable requirements. Work with a dating coach prior to the event if you're not sure about your "must-haves." Ask "conversational" questions rather than questions which sound more like an interview or, worse yet, an interrogation. Good examples of questions include, "What do you do for fun?" or "Where's your favorite vacation spot?"

6. Be open. Say "Yes!" to someone outside of your usual dating choices.

7. And, finally …Smile and have fun!

Katherin Scott | | 425.681.2620

Murray responds ...

Speed dating can be enormously fun if you relate to it with the proper spirit. Getting to know - fairly quickly - several new potential dating partners or friends in one evening is a great opportunity if done well.

1. Develop a personal "elevator speech" that can help someone know who you are, your values, passions, how you like to have fun, and other issues important to you.

2. Play with the idea of sharing the elevator speech in countless ways. There are thousands of ways to do so based on whom you are talking to, the vibe of the conversation and the environment you are in.

3. Listen carefully to who you are talking to by listening to their vibe, their humor, their seriousness, and their pace -- as if you were participating in an improvisational theatre or comedy-improv game.

4. Most of all, enjoy the humor and ironies of a fun and almost paradoxically silly environment as speed dating. Getting to know somebody is a process that can involve years in the making.

Murray Dabby | | 404.633.3282

Feature Article:
The ABCs of Successful Relationships

In this month's article, RCI coach Michelle Vasquez takes us through the "relationship alphabet," sharing thoughtful tips and suggestions for enriching all the relationships of our lives. These wonderful reminders are helpful to those who are just entering a new relationship, those in a relationship, as well as for those who are still searching for the love of their life.

Tara Kachaturoff

Appreciation and acceptance. Many people need appreciation more than they need love. Accepting your partner and letting go of the need to fix him/her is a sign of maturity and will help you live a more peaceful life.

Benevolence. See your partner with loving eyes. Remember, daily, why you chose to be together.

Commitment. Without commitment, you don't have a relationship. Commitment is the glue that holds the relationship together. When you're committed, you're saying, "I'll do whatever it takes to make my relationship work."

Drop defenses. When you defend yourself, you are looking at your partner as if he or she were your enemy. Seek first to understand instead of raising your shields.

Encouragement. Invest in your relationship by being generous with your words of encouragement.

Forgiveness. We all make mistakes. Choose to be the first to forgive and you'll find that you're forgiven quickly when you mess up.

Gratitude. Choose to find reasons to be grateful for your relationship. Start a gratitude journal and list three things you're grateful for every day. You'll be pleasantly surprised at the results.

Honesty. Brutal honesty and "constructive criticism" have no place in a successful
relationship. Tactfully expressing your thoughts and feelings creates a safe place for your relationship to grow. This is the kind of honesty that nourishes relationships.

Interdependence. This is a balance between the extremes of codependency and extreme independence. People in successful relationships know they can depend on each other while still having the freedom to learn and grow in their own interests. They are secure with themselves and in their relationship.

Joy. Express your excitement to each other when you have successes. Find reasons to be joyful. Watch silly comedies if you can't find a reason to laugh. Laughter is a crucial element in successful relationships.

Kindness. Practice random acts of kindness in your relationship. Think "simple and small." It will be noticed and appreciated.

Loyalty. Be respectful of your partner's privacy. If you speak about your partner to others, make sure you say kind things about her or him. Remember that if you gain sympathy from friends and family by telling them how bad your partner is, they may also resent your partner (and you) when you resolve the conflict. Talk to a professional instead – whether it be a relationship coach, a marriage counselor, a pastor or a priest.

Maturity. Maturity means you can choose whether to engage in an argument. You can
step back and assess a situation without jumping to conclusions. You're ready to listen to your partner. You avoid mind-reading, and instead, you seek to understand.

Negotiate differences. When you have the inevitable conflicts, you look for solutions and stay away from blame. Blame makes you the victim and keeps you from taking responsibility. It stunts your personal growth.

Open to new ideas. You choose to live an aware life on a path of growth. You realize that your relationship needs nurturing to grow.

Pay attention. You'll know your partner's likes and dislikes if you simply pay attention. Be aware of your partner's successes and failures. Share in the joy and be attentive to their pain.

Quiet time together. Quality time together doesn't always mean "talk time." Watch a movie, read a book, or simply be in the same room together. These are simple ways to spend quiet time together.

Respect. The old adage "give respect to get respect" is really important in your relationship. If you belittle and criticize your partner, and then complain that she or he doesn't respect you, you're expecting your partner to change first. That rarely works. What else can you do?

Strong support system. You need support to keep your relationship viable. If it takes a whole village to raise a child, it takes a whole village to help a relationship thrive. Surround yourself with people who want your relationship to succeed.

Trust. Decide to give your partner your trust. In return, be trustworthy.

Unselfish attitude. When relationships go sour, somebody got selfish. Examine your behavior. Do you always want things your way? Do you think of yourself first?

Volunteer. Unless your relationship began with a shotgun (shotgun wedding), you volunteered to be here. Nobody forced you to be in this relationship. When you volunteer to do something, you commit to being there and doing what it takes to get the job done.

Warmth. Too many times when people argue, they punish each other with cold, silent withdrawal. Keep in mind that you can take time apart to think over your differences without resorting to a week of silent treatment. Create a new strategy for conflict. Agree to take a break to cool off and work on finding a solution.

Xenial attitude. The word "xenial" relates to being kind to strangers. If you treat your partner the way you would treat a stranger, with politeness and courtesy, you will avoid the trap of that old Mills Brothers' song, "You always hurt the one you love, the one you shouldn't hurt at all."

Yield. This doesn't mean you just have to "just take it" when you're in a conflict. The ability to yield demands a high level of maturity and self-confidence. You can stop a fight by simply yielding. It doesn't mean you think you're wrong; it can mean you would rather "win" the relationship than win the argument.

Zeal and zest. Be passionate about your relationship. Celebrate your successes together. Take time to remember why you fell in love with each other.

Copyright © 2009 by Michelle Vasquez. All rights reserved in all media.

Michelle Vasquez
Michelle E. Vásquez, MS, LPC, is an RCI Relationship Coach who helps singles and couples attract the life they want and create the relationships that bring them joy. She specializes in working with couples who are experiencing relationship difficulties as well as with singles who want to find the love of their life. 714.717.5744

Bonus Article:
Embrace Change in Your Relationships

By Don Bailey

In this past year's political campaign, "change" was the active word. Certainly in our current financial, political and security-concerned world, "change" is needed and we each voted for the person we felt would bring about the best change to help our lives.

Most of that change is outside our control other than through the casting of our vote. However, in our own lives, we also have turmoil and the need for change. I have a philosophy of life which is not new, but which works very well for me. It is, "If what you are doing is working, keep doing it; if it isn't, CHANGE." It's insanity to continue with behavior that doesn't work and which brings you and others pain.

Many of us are resistant to change for a very simple reason -- it is hard work, at least for a while, until the changed behavior becomes our new norm and we begin to feel the benefits of the change that has been made.

Change in our relationship is no different than any other accomplishment in life in that it requires the development of a plan. Let's look at some action steps that can lead you to a changed and rewarding relationship.

Focus on Past Change

Write down changes that you have made in the past and note the benefits that resulted. Keep this as an active list and review it periodically to confirm the benefit of change in your life. Can you think of one change right now that "rocked" your life or a relationship in the last year?

Examine Your Dreams

Seldom are our dreams achieved without making change. Whether it's the dream of a better marriage, finding the right mate after so many bad experiences, or simply getting along better with a co-worker, change will be required to make it happen. If the dream is worth having, commit to the work. What's your greatest relationship dream today?

Define Your Obstacles to Change

What obstacles are you dealing with? These may be limiting beliefs, circumstances you can control or people that hold you back. They are things that get in your way of making positive change. They may be wasting your time and energy. Review this list weekly and make plans to eliminate the obstacles. Think of one right now. How do you plan to remove it?

Choose to View Change as a Challenge

Instead of looking at change as something you "have to do," look at it as something you "want to do" because of the great benefit it will bring to your relationships.  View it as "for you" and see the "new you" and the improvement it will bring in you.  What challenge are you ready to take on?  

Stop Looking to the Past

Give up on what you are leaving behind and focus on the future.  Dwelling in the past just keeps us there.  Instead of saying, "I could've….would've….should've, " instead say, "I can…I will…I must." What behavior from your past do you need to leave behind?  

Find a Change Partner

Ask someone to be you change partner or accountability partner. Hold each other responsible for sticking to your plans. Can you think of one person right now who could become your change partner?

Life is a constant flurry of change coming at us, and unfortunately, all of this brings great stress on our relationships, especially our love relationships. We need to accept the reality of this ongoing change and learn how to make it a positive for us. Become part of the solution, rather than remaining part of the problem.

Copyright © 2009 by Don Bailey. All rights reserved in all media.

Don BaileyDon Bailey is the founder of LIFECare Coaching/Counseling.  He is an ordained minister, a Board Certified Pastoral Counselor and RCI Licensed Relationship Coach.  His passion is to see new love relationships "begin right" and existing ones "reach their peak."


Conscious Dating Resources

F`ree monthy Conscious Dating Tele-seminars

Conscious Dating Audio Programs

Visit our website at for FREE cutting-edge information and tools for finding the love of your life, including:

" Register for our 5-Day e-Program for Singles, "How To Find Your Life Partner"

" Take our proprietary Relationship Readiness Quiz

" Listen to outstanding audio programs such as "Find the Love of Your Life AND The Life That You Love" and "Conscious Dating for Relationship Success"

" Access our Knowledge Bank for innovative relationship tools, strategies and concepts

" Check out our talented RCI-trained Relationship Coaches at

For More Information, a resource for singles offered by Relationship Coaching Institute, is a worldwide relationship coaching organization dedicated to helping you 'find the love of your life AND the life that you love'. For more information about us, please visit our web site at

Tired of being alone? Get a Relationship Coach! Check out our coaches at:

NEW RELATIONSHIP? Congratulations in moving forward in your life partner quest! WHAT NOW?

Visit for cutting-edge information and resources for couples. You will be glad you did! Please share this with new couples that you care about.

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Links to Us


Tara Kachaturoff | Editor, Conscious Dating Newsletter for Singles

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