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from the President of RCI
As 2009 rapidly comes to
a close, I have mixed feelings about a year that was so challenging for
so many. Throughout the world people struggled with financial adversity
-- loss of jobs, homes, life savings -- and yet in the midst of great
turmoil, many re-discovered a fundamental truth -- that what is most
important is not what you own, but those you love.
At RCI we know that
strong love relationships can sustain you through the most difficult
times, and it is during these times people need to focus on
supporting each other and flame the hope of a better tomorrow.
As a single, having the
support of your family and friends is important, but perhaps even more
essential to surviving tough times is loving yourself.
Imagine how you will treat the love of your life when s/he
comes into your life. Will you be compassionate, kind, gentle,
forgiving, allowing, supportive, championing? Practice these behaviors
with yourself first -- treat yourself the same way you would a dear
loved one. BE the partner you want to attract.
If you are
struggling to improve your relationship with self, I
encourage you to take advantage of our vast resources,
including articles, audio recordings, and of course our RCI
Relationship Coaches who are experts in the relationship coaching
So, as 2009 comes to a
close, I acknowledge the opportunities for growth and awareness that it
heralded, and I look forward with anticipation to 2010 -- a year of
hope and new beginnings for us all.
On behalf of the
management, staff and members of RCI I wish you and your family a
wonderful holiday season, and an outstanding New Year with the love of
President, Relationship Coaching Institute
goal for the New Year is to find the love of my life."
This column answers
questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to Tara@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com
who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue,
we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.
My goal for the New Year is to find the love of my life. I'm familiar
with getting clear on my vision and my requirements, needs and wants.
Beyond that, what types of things should I be doing to get myself ready
for great things to happen in my love life?
Catherine from Carlsbad
Finding love in 2010 is a great goal! Now is a good time to re-assess
your requirements, your strategies and your relationship patterns. Here
are some ideas to get you started:
• Review your
list of non-negotiable requirements. Have four to five clearly defined
requirements you can scout for rather than a large list you cannot
• Become aware of unhealthy dating/relationship patterns which
may limit your ability to find love and replace them with new
behaviors. Hire a coach/therapist if needed.
• How have you been looking for love in the past? Continue to
do what brought you success (i.e. frequenting a great venue to meet
potential partners) and stop what didn't work (dating people from your
work for example). Find new venues for meeting great matches.
• Create or update your online dating profile. Post your new
profile on additional online dating sites.
• Focus on what you can do physically, emotionally or
spiritually to improve yourself. You may want to lose a few pounds or
get in better shape. Take a relationship skills class or read a book
about becoming more positive -- these may bring you new results.
• Enlist a support community to help you find love. Let your
friends and family know what qualities you’re looking for in
a mate and encourage them to introduce you to potential partners.
Bottom line, if you're on
your quest to find love in 2010, stay focused on your requirements,
visit great singles venues, have a support system, stay positive and
you will achieve your goal!
Katherin Scott | www.KatherinScott.com
You are on the right track in being clear about your vision,
requirements, needs and wants. In addition, it is important to
understand the subconscious forces at work in relationships. Everyone
knows about the force of attraction, or think they do, and it is an
important, and often misunderstood, force. But it is not the only force
at play. Another important force is what I call the "power
differential." This results from the imbalance in attraction, with the
person feeling less attraction having more power.
The adverse effects of the power differential can be partially offset
by increasing your emotional maturity. Often it would be nice if your
potential partner would increase his emotional maturity, but you
usually can only work productively on your own, and this can improve
your ability to make great things happen in your love life.
Lastly, there is the hidden force of cultural conditioning. There are a
myriad of "rules" we tend to live by, some shared by our partner and
others not, some healthy and others not. Getting outside the box of
cultural conditioning and learning to live life by your own rules is
another secret to success.
What can you be doing? Learn all you can about all aspects of love
relationships so that you make good choices and handle your prospects
in a manner most likely to lead to success. Happy New Year!
Randy Hurlburt | www.partnersinloveandcrime.com
The real key to finding the love of your life is to BE the
love of your life. I am sure you've heard this before, but ask yourself
if you were stuck with only you on a desert island, would you have good
company? Happy and positive people are attractive. That's what
you need to be. So, look at it like getting ready for a
marathon, where you have one or two months to get in shape - what do
you need to change to get ready for the love of your life? What are you
tolerating in your life that you are sick and tired of? Get rid of it.
Are you happy with your health, your body, your job? If not, what are
you going to do about it? It's great that you have your lists prepared,
now put them aside and take real action. Let friends and husbands of
friends know you are ready for your mate. Go out and do things you love
to do, meet new people…basically, have fun, laugh, and play.
Before you know it, your mate will appear.
Lori Rubenstein | www.LoveAdviceCoach.com
Dar responds …
I applaud you for having clarity about your requirements, needs and
wants and for asking "what else?" I suggest you take a look at all
areas of your life: financial, spiritual, family, professional,
physical space, etc. and see if there is room for a relationship. I
recently worked with a single woman who had the closets in her house
full to the brim leaving "no room" for someone else in her physical
space. She also filled every bit of time up with some sort of activity
leaving no time for another person to be with her. It is my hope that
these two examples offer you insight to make "space" for a relationship
in your life.
Dr. Dar | www.RelationshipSuccessSource.com
Dating and New Beginnings!
This month, I interviewed
Hazel Palache about dating and new beginnings - how singles can set
their sights on what they want most when it comes to finding a great
Hazel, it's almost the New Year and it's that time for goal setting and
making plans for what we most desire in our life. Do you have any
advice for singles who are still searching for the love of their life?
When it comes to the New Year, I personally don't like the words "New
Year's Resolutions" because, more often than not, it creates too much
pressure and then people fail to achieve results and become
I prefer to see people making a commitment to themselves to make the
coming year a new and fresh start -- so that wherever they've come
from, it can feel like starting over from a place of new beginnings.
There are many wonderful people out there looking for great partners
and love. In my opinion, being able to connect with oneself, first, is
the most important factor in being able to connect with others later.
You are your most important partner in life. Loving yourself first is a
key factor in attracting someone who will enhance the life you're
Another thing to look at would be why they feel they haven't attracted
who and what they want in a relationship. Are they really ready to make
that kind of commitment? Are they completely comfortable with who they
A final thing I would suggest is that singles learn more about
relationships. David Steele's book, Conscious
Dating: finding the love of your life in today's world,
is a great place to start. Singles can learn about principles of
dating; relationship requirements, needs and wants; and dating mistakes
and how to avoid them.
Again, just a couple of these suggestions – adopting an
attitude of a fresh start, learning more about oneself, and reading
books about dating relationships – all of these things can
really make a difference in starting the New Year off well.
Tara: A lot of
people talk about having a vision for what they want. What types of
things can singles do to create a vision for who and what they're
looking for in a relationship?
thing to consider is goal setting. I know it sometimes seems strange to
people to set relationship goals, however putting what you want out
into the Universe can be very powerful. I suggest setting a
relationship goal in a very specific way.
A strong goal needs to be clear and concise, timed toward the future
and written as if it has already occurred. Second, it's important to
use explicit details so your subconscious picks it up as having already
occurred. Finally, you should have an end step so you know when you
have reached the goal. Here's an example:
is now December 31st 2010 and I am standing with the man/woman I love
ringing in a joyful new year with a glass of wine/champagne.
When you have thought
about this and created your own relationship goal, write it on a 3x5
card and post it where you can see it first thing in the morning and as
the last thing at night.
Before you set the goal, write your list of requirements so you are
absolutely sure about what it is you want in a relationship. One of the
requirements might be the values you want someone to have -- kindness,
sensitive, or caring, for example.
Another idea is to create a vision board. I love vision boards and
always encourage clients to create one, for all areas of their
life, including relationships. It doesn't have to be huge; however, it
does need to be big enough for your eyes to be drawn to it daily.
First, get a piece of white poster board about 20 in x 20 in or
whatever size you feel will work for you. Then collect lots of old
magazines so you can cut out pictures from them. You want the board to
look the way you would like your life represented when, not if, you
meet that ideal person.
Use your magazines to find and cut out pictures of the things you want
to do with your partner, the kind of home you would like, hobbies,
travel, children, family and so on. You can also use photos of your own
family and friends. Use words as well as pictures and always remember
to have a photo of yourself on the board so the Universe knows who this
Make the board fun. Use colors, glitter, words, pictures and then put
it up somewhere you can see it daily. I had one client who put her
vision board on the ceiling above her bed so she saw it every day when
she woke up and before she went to sleep. It worked!
Tara: What role does
the Law of Attraction play in finding someone who would be a great
partner in life?
The Law of Attraction is extremely powerful when it comes to
relationships. In short, it means like attracts like. If you put out
doubts, fears and negatives, and that you are needy, that's what you
are likely to attract.
Put out positives. Use words like "when" instead of "if"; "and" instead
of "but"; "can" instead of "can't"; and "want to" instead of "have to"
or "must." Also, visualize yourself living the kind of life you would
really like. These things leave the door open for new things to enter
Also, keep in mind that the Universe doesn't always work according to
our time schedule. That doesn't mean it won't work, it just means you
may have to move your goal date or change your expectations a little.
You need to know what you want, set your goals, complete your vision
board, and then let go of the outcome.
When you have everything in place, the Universe knows you are ready to
attract someone to join your already wonderful life.
suggestions do you have for "clearing the slate" and getting a fresh
start - a new beginning? What other things can singles do to create an
environment that is conducive to meeting the love of their life?
I think cleaning the slate, in all areas of life, is important -- and
especially in the area of relationships. If you are still holding on to
past hurts, it will hold you back from finding your ideal partner.
If you want to move past old regrets and old hurts, again, you may want
to get a copy of David Steele's book. You can also take a look at other
areas of your life. Make sure you love how your home feels when you
walk in the door and also your office, especially if it's a place in
which you spend a fair amount of time.
Another important thing that I do and suggest to my clients is daily
writing. Buy yourself a journal or notebook and write down 2 to 3
things each day for which you're grateful. Your journal is also a good
place to write down your feelings and thoughts.
Last but not least, whether you find the relationship you want tomorrow
or five years from now, reading, learning and doing the work to grow
and learn more about you and your relationship choices will give you
the tools you need to live a powerful life filled with fun and joy.
© 2009 by Hazel Palache. All rights reserved in all media.
Hazel Palache | www.sayyestoyoucoaching.com
The Single Lesbian's Top 5 secrets to
Finding Mz. Right
By Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW
As a dating and
relationship coach who helps lesbians find, grow and nurture deeply
satisfying, lasting relationships, one of the biggest complaints I hear
is not knowing where to go to find like-minded women to date.
In truth, it is my
experience, both as a single lesbian, and, as a dating coach, that
lesbians DO face some unique dating challenges. When you are both
"single" and "lesbian" you are truly a "minority within a minority."
For example, most surveys
indicate only about five percent of women are lesbians. In addition, in
the public sphere, most lesbians are hard to "identify." The majority
of lesbians (sixty percent or more), at any one time, are coupled and
many single lesbians aren't truly available and/or "ready" to date to
find a life partner.
With all of this bad
news, where's the good news? Believe it or not, there is plenty! Today,
due to increased societal acceptance and openness, ever-expanding
recreational options and the internet, there is no need to sit around
and complain. You do have options for finding YOUR Mz. Right.
Here are the top five
secrets to finding Mz. Right:
#1: Live a Luscious Lesbian Life, Starting Today
Luscious lesbian living
means enjoying a well-rounded, full life right now. For example, one
very important life area is health. What one thing did you do today to
take better care of your physical self?
Luscious lesbian living
means having an attitude that says "my cup is already overflowing." You
don't need another woman to complete you. But, you must be able to
practice the advanced relationship skills needed to date effectively
and mate for life. Today's deeply satisfying, lasting relationship
consist of two interdependent individuals coming together to create a
third reality that is much more than one plus one, without drowning out
each partner's sense of self.
Another important aspect
of living lusciously is realizing when you've met a woman you can build
a deeply satisfying, exciting life with. While chemistry is important,
it is also important to consider compatibility and commitment. Can the
two of you create a wondrous third reality and keep it luscious?
#2: Get out there!
A recent study found that
women who went out at least two nights a week were most successful in
getting married within a year. Participate in a mix of focused and
diverse activities every week.
An example of a focused
activity would be to attend one activity closely aligned with your core
values. For example, if you are a devout Catholic, find out where other
devout lesbian Catholics go, online and in the community. Your best bet
is to have a list of several focused activities and attend as many of
them as you can as often as you can.
Don't limit yourself to
only one type of activity, organization, etc. It's also important to
mix in groups and activities that aren't necessarily closely related to
core values. These could include a combination of singles-focused,
lesbian-focused, GLBT-focused, women-focused, friends or
family-focused, business-focused, activities. You get the idea. Keep
your eyes open - there are couples who report they met at the grocery
store, through family or friends, after crashing into each other on the
And, don't forget to
include online social and business networks and dating sites on your
list of venues. Online social networks, such as Facebook, Ning, Meetup,
etc., are some of the newest ways to connect. If you use online dating
sites, improve your chances of connecting with someone you desire
dating by brushing up your profile and setting up a schedule of
spending time on those sites, reaching out to other women and
responding to other's attempts to get to know you.
#3: Relax and enjoy the ride
An important point to
remember is to relax and enjoy the experience of meeting women, making
new friends and dating more than one woman non-exclusively until you
find someone you consciously decide to date exclusively.
You don't want to push -
even if you are the type that tends to be clear about who you are and
what you want. Even if you think you are as ready as can be to settle
down with Mz. Right, you need to relax and enjoy the dating process. No
rushing allowed. There seems to be an irony at work here. When you take
your time, and give being single and dating the air and space they
need, things "come together."
#4: Hire a matchmaker to search for you
Matchmaking is private
and personalized. If you don't want to see your personal information
spread out all over the internet, matchmaking may be for you.
Matchmakers take time to
get to know you, using extensive questionnaires and assessments. They
do the hard work of sifting through the many possibilities, using a
combination of science and intuition to identify women to introduce to
Anyone who has tried
online dating knows how much time and effort it can take, often with
little to no success. For the busy person, matchmaking saves you time
and frees you up to enjoy the dating experience.
In addition, there is a
greater degree of safety built into the experience since the matchmaker
pre-screens dates. The best matchmakers even do background checks.
Lastly, there is a greater degree of support built into the experience.
For example, many matchmakers provide their clients with "post date"
feedback coaching, which can help a client improve their dating
#5: Have those who know you well search for/with you
The ancient practice of
"arranging" dates is alive and well. Today, families don't usually
force these arrangements and the individuals involved have all the
control to decide who to marry or commit to. What is unique about
today's "arranged dating" is enlisting the wisdom of those you trust
and who know you well, to help you search for your Mz. Right.
Lastly, no matter which
of the above ideas you try, be sure to take your time getting to know
those you are spending time with and be judicious about release of
personal information to your dates. Trust should be earned. Always make
sure you have a friend check in on you after your dates. And, have fun.
As I always say - the first six months of a relationship should be
about fun and getting to know the other person, especially "how you
are" together. Serious commitments must wait!
by Barb Elgin. All Rights Reserved for all media.
Barb Elgin, MSW,
Certified Singles Coach, is Coach Sappho: America's Favorite Lesbian
Love Coach. She specializes in helping single lesbians and lesbian
couples attract, grow and nurture deeply satisfying, lasting
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