Free to our subscribers!
Relationship Seminars and Podcast
President & CEO
Editor | Conscious Dating News
Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life in Today's World
Order a copy today for
your single friends and family members at www.ConsciousDating.com
A One-Page Communication System for All Relationships!
and affordable conflict resolution tool for personal and professional
Free Audio Program:
How to become a
To access your subscriber
bonuses and benefits visit
Recordings are Available
For more information go
"Is it wrong for
gals to ask guys out?
If so, why?"
This column answers
questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to
who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue,
we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.
I was talking to a single male friend of mine and he mentioned that
it's a turnoff when a woman asks him out. In fact, he won't go out with
a woman who does that—just not his style. He says guys want
to be the one to extend the invitation.
I'm single too, late 30s
and I ask guys out and I think he's right! I don't get many takers. Is
it wrong for gals to ask guys out? If so, why? Is it too aggressive?
What should women do if they want to be asked out and they just aren't?
What can I do to be more attractive to men --if I shouldn't be the
"asker"? I would love to meet a great guy and get married and have a
family. It's hard to date since I don't get asked out much. Any
I hate absolute black and
white rules! While generally speaking I think it's best if the man asks
the woman out for the reasons you describe, you need to look at each
situation, individually, and decide what's right.
You might want to read the book, "The Rules." This explains in detail
why men should ask women out and not vice versa, but as I say, I don't
subscribe to absolute rules so I only suggest the book as a reference
source and not a guide.
The best things you can do are to (a) look your best, (b) go to places
that are likely to have quality single men, (c) show by conversation
and body language that you have something special to offer, and (d)
enjoy whatever happens.
Don't be too quick to judge men - and always ask to trade business
cards. If someone you liked doesn't call you after a reasonable time
then you could call and suggest something in keeping with whatever it
was that connected you in the conversation, i.e. not a "date."
Allow an association or friendship to develop without thinking too much
Randy Hurlburt | www.PartnersinLoveandCrime.com
and Jo respond …
Try the RCI "Rule of 3 for Conscious Dating" – a 3-step
process for when you spot an attractive man. It allows you to be
quietly assertive – without putting him off. The period
between each step depends on the arena. If it's a party, allow an hour
between each step. If he is someone you see regularly in your life's
routine, then leave a few days between each.
Step #1: Smile, make eye
contact, introduce yourself, ask their name, make small talk as you
would being friendly with anyone in any setting. The purpose of this
first contact is to leave a positive impression.
Step #2: Return after an appropriate period. You're on a first name
basis now, so start with small talk, and share about something
important to you, such as your children, work, etc. Assess their
reaction – positive, negative, or neutral. Having revealed
something specific about yourself, you then ask him or her about the
topic (e.g. "Do you have kids?"). You have 3 aims here:
• Discover whether you have anything in common, especially an
• Confirm your attraction and interest after discovering
something real about this person, and
• Leave another positive impression, based upon something real
Step #3: Return after the appropriate period and now you'll be like old
friends. Talk a bit further about what you have in common. Towards the
end of the conversation say, "I enjoy talking with you, seems we have a
lot in common. Would you be interested and available to meet for coffee
Dawn – this is how you can "tread carefully" and choose
whether to move past Step #2. It is also a non-threatening experience
for the man as you are giving him ample opportunity to extend an
Rick and Jo Harrison | www.SecretsToSoulmateSuccess.com
Yes, you will find men who want to do the asking when it comes to
dating. This does not mean that you can never ask a man out. To find
success with dating, you must put yourself in front of available men. I
would suggest a good way to do that is by joining a dating service.
There are so many available that finding one to fit your needs should
If you are feeling rejected when it comes to dating, there are actions
you can take to change that. The best and quickest way to do that is to
hire a relationship coach and begin discovering what it is you really
want. When you take action and start working on your relationship
requirements, your values, wants and needs, getting asked out and
meeting the right men will start to take place.
If you truly want to get married and start a family, that is all
possible when you make it a priority and get yourself ready. Just
remember we attract who we are, so make yourself ready for a partner to
Dating should be fun. When you start meeting people who have the
requirements you are looking for, getting asked out will happen. Good
luck with your dating. It does take work on your part and the results
are worth it.
Lori Josephs | www.MyDatingBlueprint.com
When it comes to asking men out, I think it's really an individual
decision. If it's comfortable to you – do it! If not,
consider these suggestions:
#1 Smile and be gracious.
The simple things like a pleasant demeanor, and body language to match,
offer a warm welcome invitation to a man. Smile, make eye contact
(maybe a little longer than usual, possibly accompanied by a raised
brow) and relax. It also helps if makeup and jewelry are muted as this
can be a turnoff. Finally, make sure to keep the rings off your wedding
ring fingers -- right and left. Don't add anything that might confuse
someone as to your availability.
#2 Separate yourself from
"the group." If you're out for
the evening with girlfriends, consider separating from each other,
periodically, so it's not so intimidating for men to approach. Think
about it – would you want to approach a group of 4 or 5 guys
huddled together so you can try to start a conversation with one of
them? Probably not.
#3 Be a good
conversationalist. While some
folks are masters of small talk, others need to learn this skill
through practice. The easiest way to show you're open to meeting
someone is by engaging in upbeat conversation. And to keep yourself
centered, think about the other person as if they're just a friend as
this will naturally adjust your tone and style to one that is receptive
yet not self-conscious.
These simple suggestions make it "safe" and "comfortable" for a man to
approach you. Try them out – I'm confident they'll make a
Tara Kachaturoff | www.RelationshipPlanning.com
It's not that it is "wrong" for a gal to ask a guy out, it's just that
as much as we want to say that men and women are equal and we live in
modern times, there is a masculine/feminine dynamic that has to be in
balance, and many men like to hold a certain level of masculine energy,
which often includes pursuing a woman.
Often, if the woman carries too much of the masculine energy, she can
become more like a parent and can, at times, lose respect for the man.
At the same time, a man might feel weak and small and look for
opportunities to feel empowered again elsewhere, or reject that energy
entirely. Ultimately a relationship needs to be "mutual," and if the
masculine/feminine dynamic isn't in balance (whatever that looks like),
then the relationship is set up for a bumpy ride.
There are certainly ways to send signals if you are interested in
someone. If a man is interested in you, he most likely will pursue you,
and if he doesn't pursue, you can generally be clear that he is "just
not that into you." Working with a relationship coach can certainly
help you to examine this further and learn the keys to attracting more
dates, and ultimately, your ideal partner.
Susan Ortolano, M.A., CMRC, PCC | www.radiantpathways.com
I don't think it is a matter of whether or not it is "wrong" to ask
guys out. It seems to be a matter of whether or not it is working for
you. Since you freely admit that it is not, maybe it is time to rethink
Many men want to be the one who initiates. It is about the pursuit.
They are hunters by nature and enjoy the challenge. One way to get the
message to men that you would be open to accepting a date would be good
old-fashioned flirting. It has worked for many generations and I think
it still works today.
Tereasa Jones | www.CoachedLiving.com
If you are looking for a traditional guy who retains a more sexist view
of women, then yes, stick to your present attitude of not asking men
out. It's true; they usually don't prefer women to initiate such things.
However, if you are looking for someone more egalitarian, I believe
that sort of guy will be pleased and honored, and even grateful, not to
have to do all the hard yards in the dating game. He may still turn you
down because you are not his type, but it will be for that reason, not
because you are some weird chick who is a bit uppity.
I work with plenty of clients who have asked guys out, and though they
have to be prepared to get rejected occasionally, most of the time it
works really well. There is a sense of empowerment where they feel they
can be the chooser rather than sitting back and living in hope to be
For myself, I met my guy at a social event and we got on so well that I
emailed him a few days later and asked him to go to a show with me as I
had two tickets. He very happily accepted. It wasn't an official date,
but it was a great low key way for us to get to know each other. His
easy acceptance of my offer was a large signal to me that he had the
qualities of a man that I could choose as a life partner.
Though it's scary to face the thought of rejection, it's even harder to
sit on the sidelines of life and helplessly watch it go by.
Frances Amaroux | www.LoveCoaching.com
Asking guys out is not wrong at all. The results depend on how you ask
them out, your attachment to the outcome, and the intention you have.
There are men out there who prefer to do the asking, however you cannot
generalize that all men are like that.
When I was single, I thought I never got asked out. Looking back, I did
get asked out, but my personal judgments kept me from saying "yes." It
was not that I was not getting asked out, it was that I was not getting
asked out by men I wanted to get asked out by.
I find that women fall into this same trap due to subconscious
judgments that are in play. As soon as I got clear about my
requirements, needs, and wants, I then asked men out who fit my
specific criteria. Did some say no? Absolutely. Was I hurt ? No. Why?
Because I knew I was looking for a great friendship or a potential
prospect for marriage.
My key to success is not being attached to the outcome. I went out, had
fun and if it was not fun, I did not suffer through it. If you want to
go out with a guy, ask him out without being attached to the result and
just have fun. Determining if a guy is a long term prospect happens
after several dates, not just one date.
Dr. Dar | www.RelationshipSuccessSource.com/blog
| 704.846.0932 x11
By Cher Tanner
bailout for you
In this world filled with
talk of government subsidies and healthcare stimulus packages, there's
one benefit you won't be receiving from the government --an authentic
heartmate. Sometimes referred to as your soulmate or the love of your
life, an authentic heartmate is the real deal love partnership. You see
it embodied by President Obama and the First Lady Michelle Obama.
One reason no one can
provide you with your soulmate is because it's impossible to develop a
single set of relationship criteria that would satisfy every person.
Normally, in our society, you are left to your own illogical,
hormone-raging devices to successfully find your heart-mate.
Or, if you were you savvy
enough to get conscious dating training from a certified relationship
coach, and you diligently worked at it, you discovered who you are,
what you value, and what you need and want in a relationship
– valuable information. With that kind of knowledge in hand,
you can create an enticing dating plan based on sound conscious dating
relationship-seeking and dating work can begin, you need to be "ready"
for it. Readiness means you look deep inside to understand your life
purpose, your core values, and your relationship requirements, needs,
and wants. This gives the juice and flavor to the relationship. Honor
your value requirements. They are absolute necessities and relationship
Once you are ready, let
the games begin with the four activity phases in the
relationship-seeking process which includes scouting, sorting,
screening, and testing. Start with scouting -- looking for possible
partners. When you see a potential match, begin sorting. You do this
mostly through conversation to quickly determine if there's any spark
with the person.
If there is a spark, the
next phase is screening -- when you start dating and having spicy
discussions to further determine your mutual attraction. If you reach
this point with a fire in your belly, you move into the final testing
phase. This is when you begin to flush out a deeper connection with
that person and spotlight the possibility of love.
for the love of your life
Screening is the initial
getting- to- know-you portion. This is done after you have scouted and
sorted out the obvious mismatches you will find during your search. You
quickly start making assessments about this new acquaintance based on
gut impressions and information learned during dating conversations
This happens rather quickly -- about two weeks.
Does he smoke? Is she
interested in boating and swimming? Does he have manners? Does she ever
offer to pay? Is he egotistical? Is she a sore loser? Does she talk too
much? Is he boring? Often you part ways and begin screening another
acquaintance. You can juggle, simultaneously, as many screening
acquaintances as you have plates. But, when a delightful person lights
your fire, you move into the experience of testing. This is when you
try to discover if this person is truly who he or she claims to be.
Are they who they say they are?
While screening, people
can talk about themselves and pretend to be someone they are not. But
that façade can only be kept up for so long. It is in the
testing phase when you fire up the relationship grill, throw the steaks
on the flame, and before long you will be able to taste for yourself
whether it's prime, choice, or something less.
If you are looking for a
porterhouse and instead get top round, send it back to the kitchen. You
can see why this phase should occur before you become exclusive.
phantom love affairs
Unfortunately, in our
instant self-gratification-oriented world, many want love and they want
it now. Consequently, many people spend their lives settling for
"phantom love affairs" -- "phantom" because they don't have the
richness of authentic connection, and "affairs" because these
relationships are unsustainable. They have a minimal shelf-life and
squander your most precious, non-renewable resource -- time.
When requirements, needs,
and wants are not met, underlying values are scrambled. It becomes
impossible to carve out and develop a shared relationship plan. Without
a shared plan, the relationship is doomed. It's uncertain when the
partnership will crumble, but it surely will.
– When the fun begins
Testing begins with the
fun and adventure of intimate discovery. It is how you will find a
relationship that will outlast the test of time. Testing takes place
over many months. During this time you will be able to experience for
yourself compatibility on important issues: values, sex, money,
intimacy, lifestyle, etc.
To give you some ideas on
insights from this process, visualize these vignettes which illustrate
various relationship events. Some are experiences that are aligned with
values, while others are not:
• If fun is
involved, she can get her make-up on in 10 minutes and flash out the
door; he loves her spontaneity.
• On Sundays, he is cemented to the sofa from noon till
midnight watching sports and she hates sports of any kind.
• He comes from a large family and get-togethers seem to be
his favorite social activity. She's an only child and always wanted to
be surrounded by a babbling brood of family members.
• Church on Sunday mornings has been her norm for the last 27
years; the book he is currently reading is called, The God Delusion by
The gist of this is that
talking about issues and opinions is very different from experiencing
them in real, day-to-day life.
In fact, testing is the
most critical juncture in the dating process. This is where you feel if
your heart zings while at the same time feeling comfortable with how
you fit together in many areas of life and lifestyle. You decide
whether to continue the relationship or not. If you do it right, you
are on a delicious hunt for your authentic heartmate. If you are weak
and ignore the "red flags," you set yourself up for authentic heartache
Do not anxiously speed
through this process. The prize comes to those wait for the right
person. Many individuals get caught in "The Fairytale Dating Trap."
They wait, doing nothing, expecting Captain Kirk or Lara Croft to
magically knock on their door.
Winners are fired-up guys
and gals who act from the mindset of "The Chooser" -- not "The Needy."
Being "The Chooser" means they have the self worth to value themselves
first. They can choose to stop seeing someone who misses the mark and
return to active relationship-seeking. Choosers know by doing this they
increase their chances of finding their special someone.
Do not move forward in a
questionable relationship just because you do not want to be alone. Be
willing to say goodbye now rather than be alone at the end of a phantom
love affair. Once you understand being "The Chooser," that window of
knowledge regarding self vs. others can never close again. You must
honor your senses, mind, and intuition – the impact they have
on you. If you don't, when the façade falls away, a little
voice inside will say, "I told you so."
exception question and why it's so important
Asking the "Exception
Question" is critical to success in this phase. It asks, "If everything
in your relationship with this person is perfect, except for one
missing piece, would you say goodbye?" This directly addresses your
you have met the man of your dreams. He loves theatre and art which is
your number one interest. He is a decent person, believing in a higher
power. You insist on sharing your spiritual side with a partner. He
doesn't drink or smoke which is great for you as a recovering
And, to top it all off, he is cute and loves to cuddle. Alright, a man
who understands foreplay! But, he has children from a previous marriage
and has had a vasectomy. He is adamant that three kids are plenty. Your
dream since being adopted at five is to have lots of babies and be a
loving mother. What do you do?
If the answer to the
Exception Question is "Yes" you need the courage to cut the cord. As
difficult as it is, your total being tells you this person could never
be your authentic heartmate. Many people feel guilty in ending these
conflicted relationships. It's as if they feel some ongoing obligation
toward this other person. By saying "goodbye" you are not disrespecting
the other person; you are respecting yourself.
You are not judging the
other person. You just know that this relationship would not give you
the gratifying partnership you envision. Give up the guilt about
choosing self vs. other. Do it with integrity and in a considerate
manner. Your responsibility is to be a successful single relishing your
full potential while respecting others.
As far as scientists can
prove today, we have but one life to live to the fullest. Use the Law
of Attraction, get out there to love's Bar-b-que Grill of Life,
carefully screen the relationship menu, and consciously test your
Copyright © 2009
by Cher Tanner. All rights reserved in all media.
is a certified RCI relationship coach for singles. She works with
Boomers -- "Single, over 50, but NOT Over Love." Certified as an
Authentic Happiness Coach, she guides clients to "Get Your GPS on the
Fast Track to Happiness." She is a member of the International Coach
by Riana Milne
What is Chemistry?
Chemistry is that instant attraction when you lay eyes on someone who
is "your type." You feel your temperature rise, your heart beat faster,
and a warm glow emerge as the two of you lock eyes. If you start a
relationship because of chemistry, you'll find yourself walking on
clouds for days or weeks. It is a rare feeling that taps into one's
Your Love Map
A Love Map is ingrained inside one's psyche at a young age.
Psychologists report that a child's first crush, between the ages of 5
and 8 years old, forms the pattern of desire that lasts a lifetime.
Most people can remember the first and last name of their childhood
If he had dark hair and dark eyes that is what you will be attracted to
in a partner. If she was tall with blonde hair and blue eyes, chemistry
will ensue when you lay eyes on a lady of that type. If you cannot
remember a crush that early, the physical traits will resemble that of
the opposite-sexed parent. Think back -– does this apply to
The Chemistry of Chemistry
Chemistry is when the dl-Phenylalanine, Dopamine, and Serotonin levels
within the brain escalate and "rush" through the brain and body when
you see someone who is your type. Chemistry is for real, but can you
trust it? Does it lead to true and lasting love?
Chemistry can get you in the door and start a relationship, but
developing a friendship first is what makes a relationship endure.
Unfortunately, too many people go with the lusty first feelings and
then become disillusioned and get involved "too fast." This starts a
relationship off at full speed, but it often won't endure the long
The 90 Day Rule: Take
What to do? Enjoy the initial rush from the chemistry – but
put the brakes on and move slowly. Don't rush into a sexual
relationship no matter how tempted you feel. You will be grateful in
the long run that you took the time to really grow the trust and
I refer to this advice as the "90 day rule." If you can put sexual
intimacy on hold for 90 days, you will really discover if this "new
crush" is right for you – if indeed he possesses the
qualities and character traits you really want in a long-term
relationship. By rushing into intimacy, before you have this
information, you will fall in love with an illusion that cannot endure,
and the quick fire of passion will burn out.
Being intimate too quickly also destroys the chance for a strong
foundation – one based on friendship, trust, honesty and open
communication. These four traits must be present for a relationship to
last through the "Golden Years" long after the passion cools down.
Running a single's networking social group for over 3 years in the
Atlantic City, NJ area, I have often done surveys with both men and
women in the group who are ages 35 to 60. The men agree -- they prefer
"to chase" a woman who is interested in them, but who postpones sexual
They may not act like they do, but these men agree they analyze each
woman to see if she is "wife material." And, although it sounds
chauvinistic and traditional, the woman they can take home to "meet
Mom" is the woman they will want to marry. Even in later years, the
quality of a woman who has enough confidence and self-respect to "make
a man wait" wins over their hearts -- even in the year 2009!
it's only the beginning
Yes, chemistry is a big part of falling in love, and it must exist in
order to have passion. Passion is the glue in stage one that moves you
along to stage two – the courting phase where you must judge
each other for the traits and qualities you desire in a partner.
By working with a singles coach, you will have the tools to define
exactly those qualities you want in a partner; and if you find they
exist over time, then you will feel confident to move on to the
intimacy phase which is stage three. Consider being at least 3 to 6
months into the relationship, and dating exclusively, before sexual
Chemistry is fantastic, but it isn't everything in a relationship. You
need to have it, and you won't likely fall in love without it, but it
is only one of many special things for creating a loving and enduring
Copyright © 2009 by Riana Milne. All rights reserved in all
Milne, MA, is a Licensed
Professional Counselor & RCI Singles Coach specializing in
Couples, Family & Adolescent Counseling at Therapy by the Sea
in Egg Harbor Township, NJ. Riana's is the author of Watch Me! The
Bold, New Motivational Attitude for Personal Success. www.RianaMilne.com
Conscious Dating Audio
our website at relationshipcoachinginstitute.com
for cutting-edge information and tools for finding the love of your
Listen to outstanding audio programs such as "Find the Love of Your
Life AND The Life That You Love" and "Conscious Dating for Relationship
Access our Knowledge Bank for innovative relationship tools, strategies
Check out our talented RCI-trained Relationship Coaches at relationshipcoachinginstitute.com/resourcecatalog.htm
you a coach or other helping professional who works with singles and
couples? If you want to know more about adding the Conscious Dating
Relationship Coaching tools to your professional toolbox, visit relationshipcoachinginstitute.com
Please share this newsletter with your single friends, family, and
co-workers, and you can be a partner in their success, too!
Links to Us
Tara Kachaturoff | Editor,
Conscious Dating Newsletter for Singles
Visit our resource
catalog for singles at relationshipcoachinginstitute.com/resourcecatalog.htm
Free introductory training! relationshipcoachinginstitute.com
To subscribe to this
newsletter and join our f`ree Conscious Dating Online Community
Free monthly tele-seminars! www.BuildingYourIdealPractice.com
Copyright © 2009
by Relationship Coaching Institute. All rights reserved. Feel free to
share this with others as long as our contact information and
authorship is included.