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Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life in Today's World
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Ask Our Coaches:
He lied to me! What should I do?
I want to confront him but I'm embarrassed...."
This column answers
questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to
who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue,
we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.
I've been dating a guy for a while. He told me that he has had other
girlfriends in the past, but that he didn't feel the same about them as
he does for me. Also he said he hasn't been intimate with them like he
is with me.
I was taking care of his house/dog while he was on an extended business
trip. While I was at his home, I found a Valentine's Day card from a
female that went into detail about how passionate and loving he is and
how dear he is to her. She goes on to talk about how she loves every
precious moment with him and how she longs to wake up in his arms and
make love, etc.
There's no question that this woman is deeply in love with him and he
has frequently slept with her. There was another similar card posted on
his wall. It made me sick. Since he has returned from his
business trip, he has no clue that I found these cards and he continues
to date me. I want to confront him but I'm embarrassed that I read his
cards. Should I just walk away from him or should I tell him how I feel
and that I found the card? I can't believe I still have strong feelings
for him despite what I now know. What should I do?
Sherri from St.
Being in a relationship sometimes requires compromise. Unless you have
agreed to a casual and open relationship this is not an issue for
compromise. The mere fact that you are in this situation, it is obvious
that it was not your understanding. Look at what you really want in a
relationship. Write down your requirements, needs and wants.
Look at the list and be honest with yourself. Is this the type of
relationship that fits your vision? If the answer is "no," then you
have two options.
You can tell your partner of the exercise and let him know the result
is a relationship that is no longer synergistic with your vision. You
can then part ways before there is any more hurt experienced. Your
other option is to come clean about what you found. He
probably already knows because his carelessness may have been
subconsciously intentional. Tell him what matters to you. Discuss
whether this is something he's willing to conform to, being fully aware
of the fact that he may comply simply to get out of the hot seat.
Decide whether you can trust the answers. If he says he's not in the
same place, then you know. Remember, this is not an issue to compromise
Uddin, CRC | www.AngelUddin.com
It's wonderful when your man wants you and only you -- and devastating
when maybe you aren't as special as you hoped. But then again
… maybe you are!
First, don't jump to conclusions. Those cards could be very old, and he
really might mean everything he's said to you. Second, don't make him
wrong. Be really generous - you love him, so give him every chance to
show you that he's as great as you think. If you accuse him, he'll be
on the defensive, and not able to respond lovingly – even if
he is innocent!
And, for your peace of mind, you need clarity about whether this other
woman is a current lover. You didn't say whether you were snooping, or
came across the cards by accident. If you were snooping, come clean and
make an apology of your own, first. You can't expect his honesty if
you're not being honest, too.
Coming from an intention that's loving and generous will make this much
"I can't believe I still have strong feelings for him despite what I
Consider this: Knowing and feeling are two different issues. What you
"know" is subjective, even within your self. What you "feel" is a
window to your emotional state. That you still have strong feelings is
not only understandable, but appropriate.
Honor your feelings for what they are -- an established connection to a
person you have enjoyed/loved. "What should I do?" Here are two
possible scenarios: First, if both mind and heart agree that your trust
is irrevocably broken, get out of the relationship. Second, explain
your predicament to your friend. Finding the card was accidental on
your part. Give him the benefit of doubt. Be specific concerning your
feelings and what you expect from your relationship and his behavior in
the future. Let his response be your guide. Seems simple when written
down; however, I recommend you locate and hire a relationship coach to
partner with through your course of action. At the same time, a coach
can help you learn to trust both your feelings and thoughts (new
knowledge) to create the best possible situation/relationship for you.
Jack Cook | www.CoachJackCook.com
Before you jump to
conclusions, think of the following. Have you ever kept old letters
from past loves? How long ago do you think he received this letter? I
know, personally, that I have kept old love letters. They help me out
in times of loneliness and self-doubt. They remind me of better times
and of what wonderful moments I shared in past relationships. Even
though they are the past, they still bring a smile to my face. Before
you knock this guy for cheating on you, here are a few things you might
want to consider.
Why were you looking through his things? Do you think he will
have a problem with this? Even if you were over there to just take care
of the house/dog, it's hard to believe that he left anything out in the
open for you to look at, beyond the postcards on the wall. If you
really felt that it was okay to look through his things, what does that
say about the trust you are giving to the relationship? Were you
looking for something to find so that you wouldn't be surprised if the
relationship didn't work out? Will he be able to trust you any more
knowing that he trusted you to look after his place but instead you may
have looked through his personal items?
As for the letter that was posted on the wall, have you asked him why
he keeps it up on the wall? One of the hardest things to do in a
relationship is to keep an open mind. We often feel that we need to
protect ourselves in a defensive manner when there is the slightest
chance that we may get hurt. We tend to accuse instead of inquire.
First we need to calm ourselves down before we confront the
We need to remember we are there to keep an open mind and listen to
his/her explanation of why the situation is what it appears to be. Then
we need to try our hardest to keep our defenses down and logically use
our mind, not our heart or our bodies, to figure out if the answer that
was supplied makes sense. Listen to your gut, but logically use your
Your situation is a difficult one because of your two choices; both are
equally difficult. You can confront him, thus letting him
know you looked at his personal things while you were house/dog
sitting. In doing so, a trust issue surfaces for him. He may feel like
you invaded his private space while he was gone. However, I have to
wonder why he left a card on the wall, in plain view, for you to
obviously find while he was away. It occurs to me he might have known
you would find it. Perhaps it was his way of "getting caught" or coming
clean, so to speak. You do not say how you found the Valentine's card.
If it was put away, and you found it by searching through his things,
you have an even greater trust issue that will surface.
On the other hand, if you
don't confront him, you will be the one with the trust issue.
You will find yourself second-guessing everything he tells you,
wondering if he's being straightforward with you, or if he's simply
telling you what you want to hear. It will be difficult, at best, to
believe him in almost anything he says if you leave this
unresolved. If you simply walk away, nothing will be resolved.
You did not indicate if
you have discussed being exclusive. It appears he is seeing someone
else -- are you? If would be a shame to waste your time and heart on a
man who has no intention of making a commitment. In any relationship,
trust and communication are key. Right now, you have
neither. While you may feel embarrassed that you looked at his
cards, you may feel much worse down the road if you continue with a
partner whom you don't trust. It's time for what I call a "courageous
Robbins | www.LifeWorksMatchmaking.com
An integral part of any
relationship is feeling comfortable enough to voice your
concerns. Until you do, the information you uncovered is
likely to weigh heavily on your mind and prevent you from being fully
present in the relationship. Perhaps the cards were from several years
ago, but you'll never know until you ask. If he cares for you
as much as he claims to, he will respond with honesty and
understanding. However, you should also trust your gut feeling. The
most obvious answer is usually the right one, and it would appear that
this man has a problem maintaining monogamous relationships.
Finally, don't beat yourself up for continuing to have feelings for
him. Once those romantic feelings set in, it takes an awful lot to
extinguish them. Accepting your partner's imperfections is imperative,
but you have to clearly establish what is acceptable to you and stick
to your guns. Are you willing to share him with other women? If not, as
much as it may hurt initially, you must accept the fact that his
behavior is incompatible with your needs. In the long run,
you'll feel that you
dodged a bullet.
Gale | 281.482.2354
Although it may have not been your best choice to read his cards, you
can't deny what you now know. I don't believe that walking away is your
best option -- not without an explanation. I would suggest calmly
talking to him. It's possible that he has wanted to tell you about the
other woman, but just didn't know how. Leaving the cards out so you
would find them may have been intentional. If you walk away, you have
no resolution or closure. If you speak to him about this, you will find
out what you need to know so you can make the right decision for you.
Question: Do you have an
agreement of exclusivity or are you operating under an assumption? If
you don't have an agreement, then he has not broken any commitments.
Although the other woman speaks of deep passion, that may not be the
way your man has experienced their relationship. Do you see the
possibility that this may be a huge misunderstanding? Just because she
feels that way about him, doesn't mean he feels the same for her. So
often, one person in the couple will think they are in an exclusive
relationship, but if you haven't made that agreement jointly, then it
is based on complete assumption.
Maddox | www.LoveConsciously.com
Single Once Again
By Angel Uddin
Getting back into
the dating world takes a good deal of pre-work.
You must assess your previous relationship(s), determine what your core
values are and be clear on what your vision is for your life.
Some key steps
include the evaluation of one's past history in relationships.
Determine what has been real and what has been part of an illusion or
false truth for you. In his book, The
Four Agreements, Don Miguel
Ruiz talks about the lies we tell ourselves or our dreams that delude
When it comes to
dating, you need to tune
out the inner critic and tune in to your true self. You should live in
the present using your conscious mind, play an active and intentional
role, and don't sleepwalk through your interactions. For each negative
belief such as, "I am not loveable," change it to, "I can love and am
worthy of being loved." If necessary, make it a
mantra. Repeat it and begin to live it.
a personal inventory of
what your requirements, needs and wants might be as they relate to your
own personal values. You must be really clear on what these words
really mean to you and how they are manifested in your day-to-day life.
Also, you need to be clear on what type of values are important to you
in a partner (not necessarily identical to yours, but just as
important). Determine what the deal-breakers are for you and listen to
your inner voice (not the inner critic, but the voice that will never
lie to you).
you meet people that don't fit your vision
and will not be a suitable partner for you on your journey, that
doesn't make that individual a bad person -- he or she is just not the
match for you. Imagine you have decided to go white-water rafting.
You're all dressed -- but your wearing a tiara, a beautiful ball gown
and stiletto heels. This is a lovely outfit, but not for the
journey you are about to undertake. You should not compromise your
planned trip, but instead know that this is a lovely outfit -- just not
one suited for riding the waves. Give up the outfit and not the
this journey, you will have to revisit your values and life vision on a
regular basis. Actually
visualize them as the points on a compass. Check in periodically to
assure you are still on course. If you have drifted off path,
recalibrate. Be aware of your deviation and what may have caused it and
then get back on course. If the deviation is due to a change in your
vision, be clear about that and again, recalibrate to make sure your
partner is still a suitable partner for the journey you are on. Live
your life AWAKE and ENGAGED. Don't be a passive participant!
Copyright © 2008
by Angel Uddin. All rights reserved in all media.
Uddin, Relationship Coach,
Speaker, Facilitator and Owner of Awakenings, a woman friendly retail
establishment that addresses sensual issues for women and couples in a
non-threatening manner located in St. Paul, Minnesota. www.AngelUddin.com
by Frankie Doiron,
President, Relationship Coaching Institute,
The first key to
successful flirting is not an ability to show off and impress, but the
knack of conveying that you like someone. If your "target" knows that
you find him or her interesting and attractive, he or she will be more
inclined to like you. Conveying that you like someone, and judging
whether or not the attraction is mutual, clearly involves a combination
of verbal and non-verbal communication skills.
When you first meet new people, their initial impression of you will be
based 55% on your appearance and body-language, 38% on your style of
speaking and only 7% on what you actually say.
flirtation with people of roughly the same level of attractiveness
This will give you the best chance of compatibility. Most successful
relationships are between partners of more or less equal good looks.
There is some leeway, of course, and other qualities are also
important, but statistically, relationships where one partner is much
more attractive than the other tend to be less successful.
Don't flirt with
people who are unlikely to return your interest.
Even if you are not looking for a long-term mate, you will enjoy
flirting more with someone who is interested in you. So it makes sense
to approach people who are likely to see you as at least a possible
partner, rather than those likely to dismiss you as unsuitable. Use the
non-verbal signals to assess approachability.
contact: You can signal
your interest in someone merely by making eye contact and attempting to
hold your target's gaze for more than one second (not too much more,
though, or you will seem threatening). If your target maintains eye
contact with you for more than one second, the chances are that he/she
might return your interest. If they glance back and hold again
distance: The distance you
keep from the other person when flirting will affect his or her
impression of you, and the quality of your interaction. Perhaps even
more importantly, paying attention to the other person's use of
distance will tell you a great deal about his/her reactions and
feelings towards you. Are you whispering in their ear? You are too
When flirting, you can use postural mirroring to create a feeling of
togetherness and harmony. Experiments have shown that although people
are not consciously aware of someone deliberately mirroring their
postures, they will evaluate a person who does this more favorably. If
you mirror your partner's postures, he/she will not only feel more at
ease in your company, but will perceive you as more like-minded.
Expressions: SMILE!! We
rely more on facial expressions than on any other aspect of body
language. As a general rule your face should be constantly informative
during a flirtatious conversation. Inexpressiveness - a blank,
unchanging face - will be interpreted as lack of interest.
• Touch: Touching
is a powerful, subtle and complex form of communication. Experiments
have shown that even a light, brief touch on the arm during a social
encounter between strangers has both immediate and lasting positive
effects. Polite requests for help or directions, for example, produced
much more positive results when accompanied by a light touch on the
• Vocal Signals:
interest, for example, are communicated much more by the tone of voice
than by what is actually said. Depending on the tone, volume, speed and
pitch, even a simple phrase such as "Good evening" can convey anything
from, "Wow, you're gorgeous," to "I find you totally uninteresting."
Aim for moderation in volume and tone, with enough variation in pitch
and pace to hold your companion's interest.
Opening lines. Your
opening line is really not very important, and all this striving for
originality and wit is a wasted effort. The best "openers" are, quite
simply, those which can easily be recognized as "openers" - as attempts
to start a conversation. Ask a direct, open question such as, "What do
you think of this weather?" A direct question demands and requires a
you have initiated a conversation with your chosen target, your success
in making a favorable impression will depend as much on your social
skills as on what you say. Try to make your contribution to the
conversation roughly equal to that of your partner. The essence of a
good conversation, and a successful flirtation, is reciprocity:
give-and-take, sharing, exchange, with both parties contributing
equally as talkers and as listeners.
Negativity is a real turn off, as is revealing too much about yourself
too soon. Simple compliments are always welcome, but keep it light and
general, since excessive use of compliments will make you seem
ingratiating. Look into the eyes!
Good listeners have distinct advantages, but being a good listener is
not just about shutting up and letting the other person talk (although
this certainly helps). Good listening is essentially about giving good
'feedback', which involves giving both verbal and non-verbal signals to
show that you are a) paying attention, and b) interested.
Disclosure. One of the most
important aspects of verbal flirting is 'reciprocal disclosure' - the
exchange of personal information. In fact, unless partners disclose at
least some personal details, the conversation can hardly be called a
flirtation - even something as innocent as the fact that one likes warm
weather or Italian food, is a move towards intimacy. The key to
successful flirtation is to escalate the level of intimacy gradually,
always maintaining a balance between your disclosures and those of your
partner. Avoid getting too far ahead by revealing too much, or lagging
behind by revealing too little.
Judicious use of humor can reduce anxiety and establish a relaxed mood.
You'll be perceived as more likeable, increasing levels of both trust
If you'd like to see this person again you have to ask!! Simply say:
"Would you like to meet for a drink sometime next week?" (or some
equivalent, the exact words are unimportant, but it must a be a clear
request). If making a date on the spot would be awkward or
inappropriate, say something like: "Perhaps we could meet again
sometime - could I have your phone number?" If you are female, instead
of asking for his phone number, offer your own. Say something like:
"Maybe we could have a drink sometime? - here's my number". This makes
it perfectly clear that you are interested, but still requires the man
to take the initiative in asking for a date.
Copyright © 2006 by Frankie Doiron. All rights reserved in all
Frankie Doiron is the
President of the Relationship Coaching Institute. relationshipcoachinginstitute.com
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