These programs provide
advanced information, strategies, and tips to help you find the love of
Each program includes the
MP3 audio recording, complete written transcript, and Study Guide to
follow along and take notes.
Program #1- Are You
Ready for Love?
Program #2- Being The
Program #3- Ten Steps
for Finding Your Soul Mate
Program #4- Conscious
Dating: How to Connect to Your Life Vision
Program #5- Conscious
Dating for Boomers: Finding Love After 50
Program #6- Scouting:
Where to Find Your Soul Mate
Program #7- Advanced
Strategies for Sorting, Screening, and Testing
Program #8- Conscious
Internet Dating: Using Your Computer to Find Your Soul Mate
Dating at a Distance: What to Do When You're Attracted to Someone 1200
them out at www.ConsciousDatingAudio.com
dating someone do you ever wonder-
"Is this the right
relationship for me?"
Our Conscious Mating
Audio Programs provide detailed, comprehensive strategies for dating
and mating, addressing all the relationship and decision-making
challenges that arise when you're single and seeking your soul mate.
These audio programs are
recorded from our live tele-seminars and include the MP3 audio file for
playing on your computer, MP3 player (iPod or other), or burning onto a
CD, AND a complete PDF transcript for following along and making notes.
Program #1- Is This the
Right Relationship for Me? Introduction to the Pre-commitment Stage
Program #2- Am I Ready
to Be a Couple?
Program #3- Finding
Lasting Love by Experiencing Your Experience
Program #4- Should We
Program #5- Dealing
With Our Baggage
Program #6- Are We
Program #7- Sharing Our
Program #8- Deciding
"Is This The One?"
Program #9- When We
Must Say Goodbye
them out at www.ConsciousMatingAudio.com
Ask Our Coaches:
Dating and Unemployed: Is it Possible?
"... How do you make yourself attractive to others
when money and
employment status are such strong criteria for so many people...?"
This column answers
questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to
who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue,
we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.
I live in the Detroit metropolitan area which is suffering from the
nation's worst unemployment and foreclosure rates. People are under a
lot of pressure economically. It's even tougher for singles because
they only have one income to depend upon -- and when they lose it, they
don't have a lot of options. Many are finding they need to move in with
friends or back with their parents.
I want to date, but I'm one of those unfortunate folks downsized from
General Motors. I'm 45, I have three kids and share custody with my
ex-wife. I've been single for 4 years and want to date. I was dating
someone for about a year and half, but she lost her job, too, and took
a new job out of state. I've been unemployed for a little over a year
and my benefits have just run out. I've been looking for work the
entire time, but haven't had any success.
When I meet women I want to date, I'm honest with them that I'm
currently unemployed. That doesn't lead to more dates. I think that the
last person a woman wants to date is someone who is unemployed. I know
I'm certainly not the only one who's experiencing this problem in
Detroit or anywhere else in this country where the recession is hitting
hard. It's hard enough to have stress in the financial part of your
life, but it's even harder when there's pressure in the area of
relationships. I want to move on with my life. I want to get married
What's your advice for dating when you're unemployed? What can I do?
How do you make yourself attractive to others when money and employment
status are such strong criteria for so many people in our society?
Warren from West
As a former career coach and executive coach, I worked with countless
unemployed professionals. I think I have a good sense of what you're
Looking for a job is a
full-time job. And, certainly it is a stressful time. I know from
experience it is also a time when self-confidence and self-esteem
suffer. There are many unknowns - not only about what the next job will
be, but also where and how much money you will be making.
Because you're still
young, you have many years ahead of you - for career and personal
relationships as well. I would recommend taking a break from active
dating. From a relationship readiness standpoint, you have much to sort
out. If you happen to meet someone with whom you want to have dinner or
go to a movie - great! Keeping it casual just might lead to more dates!
But don't actively seek out a partner at this time. There are too many
You indicated you've been
looking for work for over a year. My recommendation is that you focus
on that for now. You certainly are facing many stressors as a result of
your extended unemployment. Have you consulted a career coach? It would
be helpful to have someone who is knowledgeable to reassure you that
you're on the right track.
Robbins | www.LifeWorksMatchmaking.com
You're letting your circumstances decide how things will be, in both
your job and your (potential) relationship. The circumstances are
"there are fewer jobs in the Detroit area," and "many singles prefer to
date someone who's already employed." These circumstances don't
inherently mean that you can't earn a living or find a date. You're
only stuck if you stop trying.
Let's assume the circumstances won't change. The question becomes,
"What will you do in the face of your circumstances?" In a tight job
environment, maybe it means finding a new industry, trying a new type
of job, starting your own business, or moving to a new city. In a
dating scenario, maybe it means wooing her with your great cooking, or
going to inexpensive local plays.
When you take ownership of finding that job, your enthusiasm will
infuse your ability to find a relationship too, whether you're finding
the job or not. The key is to be facing the challenge. People who
overcome adversity are more alive and attractive, and you'll attract
someone who supports you in having what you really want.
"What's your advice for dating when unemployed?" Keep it short, keep it
cheap! On the first date, you only need to know if you want to see this
person for a second date. You know that in five minutes or less. Go for
coffee somewhere. Do you want to see her again? If so, set it up and go
home a "happy camper."
"How do you make yourself
attractive?" Warren, my intuition about you tells me you are a man of
integrity. You recognize your responsibilities and take care of them.
You are intelligent and you have a caring, loving Spirit. These
qualities are what make you attractive -- not the car, clothes, dinner,
flowers, time or money spent in trying to impress Miss First Date.
Let the who you are
outshine what you have.
Go on the first date. Set up the second date -- something a little more
than the first. This is a time for disclosure. One last thought -- the
person you are meeting is as apprehensive as you are. While giving
yourself a break, you are creating a lasting impression by keeping it
short and cheap! I bet the ladies will love you for it. Good fortune
and God's Blessing to you.
Jack Cook | www.CoachJackCook.com
I'm sorry to hear you're
having challenges because of the economy and congratulate you on being
willing to reach out to request suggestions while you going through
this period of time.
I truly understand you
would like to get married again and move on with your life. I'm also
aware that most women would likely find it fearful to be involved with
someone who doesn't have employment or benefits, especially in a rocky
You say it's even harder
when there's pressure in the area of relationships! Who is pressuring
you? Are you doing this to yourself? If so, ask yourself why you feel
it is so important right now, when things are shaky, that you date.
My suggestion would be to
concentrate and focus on you for the next few months. Focus on what it
would really like in life. Do things you enjoy. Spend time with friends
and family and have fun. Remove the focus from dating.
If you haven't already, I
encourage you to read David Steele's book, Conscious
Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life in Today's World.
It may not give you the exact answer with regard to your own situation;
however it will give you a lot of clarity about dating and
relationships. I wish you the best of luck with your life. Always
remember your own brilliance.
Palache | www.TheAstonishingPowerofYou.com
Unfortunately, many in
the country are in your position. My recommendation is that you stay
focused on the priority of finding some form of employment. There are
many groups that meet weekly for the sole purpose of networking in the
effort of seeking employment. Find one of these in your area (usually
found in the calendar of your Sunday newspaper in the business
While meeting with others
in your same situation, you might be surprised to meet someone who
understands and is willing to accept you as you are. The fact that you
have joined such a group would illustrate your initiative and desire to
regain employment. It could also be a great support relationship. To be
clear though, your primary objective should be networking for
employment, not dating. Remember, you're only good for someone else
when you're good for yourself. In addition, remember you have your
children to think of. At this point, perhaps dating is less important
in the big scheme of things.
Uddin, CRC | www.AngelUddin.com
Singles Meeting Singles: An Interview
Recently, I conducted a survey of several hundred singles for a local
group. With over 100 responses, 80% of them from singles between the
ages of 40 and 60, their most urgent question was, "Where do I meet
eligible singles to date?" I interviewed RCI relationship coach and
author Randy Hurlburt to find out his thoughts on the topic.
Tara Kachaturoff | Editor
Why do you think
singles perceive there is such a difficulty in finding places to meet
other singles? There's a virtual explosion of online dating sites,
online activity postings for singles, and more options than ever before
for meeting singles. What do you think is going on?
There are ample numbers of places to meet "other singles." The problem
is meeting "other singles who match your requirements." Solving the
problem then becomes a two-step process: knowing your requirements and
then finding places (or ways) to meet people who are potentially
aligned with your requirements.
Most singles have a vague idea of what they want. Or perhaps they have
a long laundry list of "requirements." Neither one of these is helpful.
You have to be very clear with yourself about what you absolutely must
have, and what you are willing to give up in order to have a
relationship. No relationships are perfect - all come at a price. What
price are you willing to pay for a relationship that is not perfect
(but might be good)?
Also, there is a lot of false information out there about how to choose
a partner. Online dating sites that offer "compatibility" screening do
a disfavor to their members. There's nothing wrong with identifying
common interests and values, but there is much more to making a
successful relationship, and you should be informed fully before
expecting mere compatibility to result in a happy relationship.
Frankly, clearly and realistically identifying your requirements is not
as easy as it sounds. And the flip side of the coin is equally
important -- upgrading what you bring into a relationship. What worked
for you in your 20's is not likely to work in your 40's.
Where are the best places for singles to meet other singles?
Given what I've already said, there are some places that are better
than others, and some "ways" that are worth exploring. First of all,
generic places such as the grocery store or singles clubs offer little
or no screening and so you start at a disadvantage. You might meet
someone here, but the chances are less than at a more quality venue.
Online dating sites that provide compatibility screening can help as
long as you know that meeting in person is critical before making ANY
judgments about the chances for success. Online sites that cater to
important core values such as religion or spirituality can provide an
additional screen that may help, but it is still important to meet in
person, and frequently!
Personally, I prefer local activity organizations where you can do
things you enjoy in the company of others with common interests or
values. In this way you can observe and get to know someone over time,
and vice versa. A church, athletic club, a charity or volunteer
organization can be such a venue.
A singles club that combines activity focus and value focus can be
good, such as Sierra Singles (combines outdoor activities with
environmental values and singles). Other similar organizations can be
found that reflect who you are. Involvement in several such
organizations can provide diversity and increase your chances for
I think personal growth venues should be seriously considered. One of
the main "requirements" that you should have is to meet someone with a
reasonably high level of emotional maturity (lack of same is a
significant cause of relationship failures). People who attend
seminars, workshops, or other personal growth programs might be
somewhat more likely to be emotionally mature.
Referrals from family and friends should not be discounted. I know that
blind dates and being "set up" often do not work out, but those who
know and like you, at least, have your best interests at heart and many
good relationships have begun this way. Swallowing your pride and
asking others for assistance and referrals is probably the best way of
unearthing those jewels who are also unsure of where to meet singles,
and thus are not going out.
Are there any places singles should avoid and why?
The main thing to avoid is making any decisions too quickly. Sure, bars
are likely to generate alcoholics, but this is a generalization and
certainly it is possible to meet a quality person at a bar. I don't
recommend bars, but I use this as an example to illustrate that at any
venue there are good people and bad, and even among the good people,
there will be those that meet your requirements and those that don't.
Therefore, I advocate using all the avenues that are available to you,
prioritizing them for the likelihood that someone who meets your
requirements will frequent such a place. I suppose I would avoid
prisons, as well.
Some might say that the only reason someone isn't meeting other singles
is because they really don't want to on some level -- law of
attraction, etc. What are your thoughts?
I don't think it's so much a matter of "don't want to" as "don't know
how to" or "afraid to." This could be interpreted as "don't want to" in
that such a person does not "want" enough to go get the necessary
information or overcome the fear of rejection or fear of getting hurt.
Desire, without action, is not worth anything. Even the law of
attraction can be seductively unhelpful to the degree that it is
interpreted as "all you have to do is to think about it." Action is
Fear is a natural part of life and love; taking action to find and
build love takes courage. A relationship coach can help increase your
knowledge and skill, thereby decreasing your fear.
If a new client asked you, "So where do I find other eligible singles
to meet?" what would you say?
I'd say, "Let's get clear on your requirements! You don't want just any
eligible single. And let's upgrade your skills; you want to be a person
of interest to those who meet your requirements!" How you present
yourself is more important than where you present yourself.
2008 by Randy Hurlburt. All rights reserved in all media.
Randy Hurlburt is
an internationally acclaimed relationship coach,
speaker, and author. In his worldwide relationship
coaching practice, Randy is dedicated to helping singles and couples
find extraordinary love by breaking the rules of cultural
conditioning. He has two books,
"Love Is Not A Game"
and "Partners in Love and Crime." www.PartnersinLoveandCrime.com
6 Dating Mistakes and How to Avoid Them
by Relationship Coaching
Mistake #1: You're moving too fast!
Finding strong chemistry with someone is so exciting! That feeling is
such a high -- it often sends us sprinting into the Romantic Love stage
of our Relationship Journey. We feel we've struck gold, and often start
behaving as if this were the person with whom we will spend the rest of
We start making decisions that have us on the fast track to "forever."
But when the Romantic Love stage ends, the high wears off, and we move
into the integration or Power Struggle stage where we learn to
distinguish the "I" and the "We," we see what is actually real about
the relationship, and often we're shocked. Sometimes we've moved so
fast and gone so far that it's hugely painful to realize we've made a
mistake and this isn't quite the ideal relationship we thought it was.
Hopefully, we haven't already visited a Vegas chapel.
How can we avoid this
1. Wait until the bubble bursts. Let the Romantic Love Stage run its
course and reveal what's real about the relationship before making
important life-changing decisions.
2. Spend time evaluating whether this person meets your needs, wants,
and requirements outside of the romance.
3. Check in with your inner voice, your intuition, for "red flags" and
pay attention to how they "wave."
And, of course, hire a good relationship coach to help guide you!
Ortolano, M.A. CMRC | www.RadiantPathways.com
#2: You edit or change yourself to "fit" with your new love interest.
It's easy to get wrapped
up in the euphoria of new infatuation. When you're in the grips of
these overwhelming feelings, it's tempting to convince yourself that
you'll do anything to "win over" the object of your affection. But the
truth is that you can't win someone over under false pretenses.
When you're not being authentic, you're simply immersing yourself in a
role or a character and your true self is being eclipsed. The danger
here reaches far beyond the fact that your potential partner is falling
in love with a person that doesn't exist. It even reaches beyond the
inevitability that your true colors will eventually bleed through. The
real danger is that you are losing yourself in an attempt to snag a
person who might very well fall in love with the real you.
It is a myth that couples must have a long list of common interests.
Decide what qualities are most important to you and avoid dating
individuals who don't exhibit these qualities. Celebrate your
differences! Enjoy exposing your partner to new experiences and expect
the same in return.
Gale | 281.482.2354
Mistake #3: Dating When You're Not Ready or Available to Date
Dating when you are not
ready or available stops you from getting to know yourself and your
dreams. If you aren't clear of your own vision and purpose, you'll be
swept up into someone else's. Would you rather be a pawn in someone
else's game, or the King or Queen of your own life?
When you play the field
when you aren't ready, you ...
- Lose your inner
compass and direction
- Imprint into yourself
that you are not worth the best life you deserve
- Leave a trail of
people who are hurt and angry for being used rather than honored. If
you want to have an intimate relationship – without the
relationship bit -- you devastate those who want something more. You
life is polarized by the turmoil of fighting and love-fests. With the
emotional rollercoaster you never have the energy to achieve your own
Why not take the time to
fall in love with yourself and gain self-respect?
- Know who you are, and
where you want to go – so that you are ready for a healthy
relationship that supports your purpose.
- Get yourself
financially, emotionally, spiritually, socially, and mentally well.
- Create a network
around you that can support you finding the right person for your ideal
- Develop the lifestyle
you adore, and live the life that inspires you – so you are a
gift to yourself!
... because you are worth
it, aren't you?
Natalie Lamb |
Integral Love Coach | +44 1342 826237
Mistake #4: Talking About Prior Relationships (also known as, You're
Just Not Over It)
I remember a client of
mine expressing excitement about an upcoming date she was looking
forward to. She had met a wonderful guy who seemed to be just what she
was looking for, and based on what she knew, he met much of her
relationship criteria. Her excitement quickly turned to dismay when he
spent the entire evening talking about his former wife. It was obvious
to her he had a need, for some reason, to fill her in on every detail -
the good, the bad, and the ugly. Needless to say, there was no second
While it is important to
gradually share your prior experiences with someone, it is not
appropriate to talk about them in detail - particularly in the early
stages of getting to know someone. As my client told me, she felt
diminished and very much an outsider to what she had hoped would be an
evening of fun and exploration. Rather than being asked about herself,
she was being told about someone else. She had prepared a "mental list"
of a few questions she wanted to ask him and never got the chance. She
ended the evening frustrated and disappointed.
If you find yourself
frequently wanting (needing) to talk about a prior relationship there's
a good chance it's not over yet - that you have not moved on and aren't
ready to begin anew with someone else. Chances are, you have unresolved
feelings or have not put the relationship behind you. One key thing you
can do is to ask yourself whether you compare your former relationships
with your current one. Are you expecting someone new to live up to a
standard set by a former spouse or mate? If so, this will sabotage any
attempts to engage in a healthy relationship with someone else.
It's important that prior
relationships, as well as other matters, are well behind you. Be sure
you're "going to" something new rather than "getting away from" the
old. To further explore this, you might ask a Relationship Coach to
provide you with a Relationship Readiness assessment. This will give
you a clear understanding of areas, if any, in need of resolution.
#5: You Choose to Ignore Red Flags
Red flags – the red of a STOP sign - never turn pink. They
are the things that make you feel bad - hurt, angry, embarrassed,
scared, even if you don't consciously know why.
There are three truths
about red flags: You won't suddenly become immune to them. If they show
up at the beginning, when people are at their best, they won't stop
later on. And relationships simply don't work when one person feels
bad. (And a corollary: You only have to know HOW you feel, not why.)
Have you ever left a
relationship over something intolerable, and then realized you could
have seen it coming from the start? We all have. One woman cringed at a
date's joke but told herself it wasn't THAT bad or important. After
months of public embarrassment and insults, all attraction and some of
her self respect were gone. Another was criticized for her dress on a
first date. It later became serious verbal abuse. Both were red flags.
Should you bolt the
minute you don't like something a date does? No, but do open your eyes.
Give the benefit of the doubt. If other things are right, try
respectfully requesting a change. If you see a sincere effort, great!
You can be patient.
If you see defensiveness,
dismissiveness, or self-justification, watch out. Your next move
– no matter what else you may like about the person
– is a graceful but firm good-bye. Then you will be free to
find the one who makes you feel terrific!
Drury, CPCC, EGM | www.RitesoftheHeart.com
Mistake #6: Dating Someone Who Is Married
If you only learn one
principle of dating, let it be this one: Never, never, never, NEVER
date someone who is married. That includes someone who is legally
separated, almost divorced, living apart ... all of the above.
I feel very strongly
about this issue. I've seen countless individuals profoundly hurt by
the fallout from this type of relationship -- not to mention the ethics
and integrity issues that are obvious. Two "consenting adults" make a
choice to proceed in a relationship. But, what about others who are
involved but have no say? The spouse of the married party, the
children, families ... the list goes on. These people are victims of
the selfish and unethical acts of the couple.
From your own standpoint,
I would challenge you with the question, "Why would you want to be with
someone who is with someone else?" How can it be acceptable to you to
know your sweetheart is going home to someone else, sharing house, home
and bed with another? To me, this is the ultimate degradation of your
value as an individual, worthy of someone's full-time love and
affection. And, another obvious question: If s/he can cheat on their
spouse, what is to prevent them from cheating on you?
Most couples today
indicate that trust, honesty and fidelity fall into the
"non-negotiable" category. In a relationship with a married partner,
all three are non-existent.
If you're in a
relationship with someone who is married, I urge you to seek coaching
and potentially even therapy. It occurs to me you may have some
limiting beliefs about yourself. Perhaps you don't feel you're worthy
of someone's undivided love. Perhaps you think you don't deserve to be
truly happy. Whatever the case, you deserve to be with someone who is
available - in every sense of the word.
F`ree monthy Conscious
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" Check out our talented RCI-trained Relationship Coaches at www.ConsciousDating.org/coach
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Links to Us
Kachaturoff | Editor, Conscious
Dating Newsletter for Singles Tara@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com
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singles at www.ConsciousDating.org
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