April 2008

In this issue:

Free to our subscribers!

Conscious Dating
Tele-Seminar Series
www.ConsciousDatingSeminars.com

Conscious Dating Tele-Clinic
www.ConsciousDatingTeleclinic.com

Conscious Relationship
Tele-Seminar Series
www.ConsciousRelationshipSeminars.com

Conscious Relationship Podcast
www.ConsciousRelationshipPodcast.com

Conscious Relationship Article Bank
www.ConsciousRelationshipArticles.com

David Steele
Founder,
Relationship Coaching Institute

Frankie Doiron
President & CEO
Relationship Coaching Institute

Tara Kachaturoff
Editor | Conscious Dating News
Email

Copyright 2008 by ConsciousDating.org All rights reserved.

Now Available!

Order a copy today for your single friends and family members at www.ConsciousDating.com

Announcements

Conscious Dating Success Story of the Year Contest Results

For the two year anniversary of the publication of Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of your Life in Today's World here are the results of our second annual-

Conscious Dating
Success Story of the Year Contest

2008 Second Place Winner- Faith Meenan

2008 Honorable Mention- David Steele!

Check out last year's winners here

- Do you have a success story to share? Go immediately to www.consciousdating.com/contest.htm

- Know anyone with a success story to share? Please forward this information to them!

- Know a single who hasn't read Conscious Dating and is a success story in the making? There is plenty of time to learn and apply the principles of Conscious Dating. Please send them to www.consciousdating.com

Advanced Conscious Dating Strategies

These programs provide advanced information, strategies, and tips to help you find the love of your life.

Each program includes the MP3 audio recording, complete written transcript, and Study Guide to follow along and take notes.

Program #1- Are You Ready for Love?

Program #2- Being The Chooser

Program #3- Ten Steps for Finding Your Soul Mate

Program #4- Conscious Dating: How to Connect to Your Life Vision

Program #5- Conscious Dating for Boomers: Finding Love After 50

Program #6- Scouting: Where to Find Your Soul Mate

Program #7- Advanced Strategies for Sorting, Screening, and Testing

Program #8- Conscious Internet Dating: Using Your Computer to Find Your Soul Mate

Program #9-Conscious Dating at a Distance: What to Do When You're Attracted to Someone 1200 Miles Away

Check them out at www.ConsciousDatingAudio.com

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When dating someone do you ever wonder-
"Is this the right relationship for me?"

Our Conscious Mating Audio Programs provide detailed, comprehensive strategies for dating and mating, addressing all the relationship and decision-making challenges that arise when you're single and seeking your soul mate.

These audio programs are recorded from our live tele-seminars and include the MP3 audio file for playing on your computer, MP3 player (iPod or other), or burning onto a CD, AND a complete PDF transcript for following along and making notes.

Program #1- Is This the Right Relationship for Me? Introduction to the Pre-commitment Stage

Program #2- Am I Ready to Be a Couple?

Program #3- Finding Lasting Love by Experiencing Your Experience

Program #4- Should We Live Together?

Program #5- Dealing With Our Baggage

Program #6- Are We Compatible?

Program #7- Sharing Our Vision

Program #8- Deciding "Is This The One?"

Program #9- When We Must Say Goodbye

Check them out at www.ConsciousMatingAudio.com

Ask Our Coaches:
Exclusivity and Dating: When's the Right Time?

"... Is there a right time to begin dating exclusively?..."

This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to Tara@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.

Dear Coaches,

I signed up for an online dating service about 6 months ago. This is the first time I've ever tried this. I'm a divorced 37-year old male and share custody of my 10-year-old son.

Recently, I met a nice young woman online and we've gone on about 9 or 10 dates. I like her and would like to continue to date her -- to get to know her better. I want a long-term committed relationship and want to get married again and I made that clear in my dating profile. I've met several other women before this, but have only had one or a couple dates with each of them.

The other night I took her to a really nice restaurant and we had a great time -- except when the conversation turned to talking about removing our online profiles. She said she removed hers and that she wanted me to do the same - immediately.

I told her that I didn't want to rush things, that I didn't want to start over with the online dating process should things not work out between us. She seems to feel it's a betrayal of our "relationship." I didn't know we were in a "relationship!" She thinks we're exclusive, but I've made it no secret that I'm still communicating with other women online. Is there a right time to begin dating someone exclusively? I'm not there, she is. How do I resolve this?

Scott from Seattle

Ron responds ...

You have clearly communicated your long-term goals concerning a relationship and at the same time pointed out you are not ready to be exclusive. Her demand that you remove your online profile immediately is most likely motivated by fear. She may be afraid that if you remain online that you might possibly find someone else.

With only 9 or 10 dates under your belt, I think you are wise to maintain your single and dating status. If you go exclusive now, you rule out all other options. Exclusivity is appropriate when you have determined that all of your requirements are met in the relationship. A relationship coach can effectively assist you in determining your requirements. The fact that she has assumed that you are in a relationship and exclusive sends up a red flag.

I suggest you consider having a conversation with her and share your feelings and state clearly what you need to move forward. The manner in which you handle situations like this, from the beginning, will set a precedent for how you will handle things during the relationship should you enter into one.

Ron Maddox | www.LoveConsciously.com | 214.528.5426

Ann responds ...

Entering into an exclusive relationship prior to feeling ready is a mistake that will cause dissention and resentment going forward. The right time is when you're sure you've found someone who meets all of your relationship criteria and you no longer want to look at potential matches.

Ask yourself why you want to continue exploring. Perhaps you're hoping something better comes along? Is there something you wish was different, or that is lacking? Is something important to you missing? Do you simply need more time? Either way, it's time to seek resolution.

First, do some retrospective thinking. Reflect on conversations or emails with her. Have you been clear? Ask her if you misled her and listen to her response without defensiveness. You did not indicate whether you're seeing anyone else. If not, let her know, but be careful not to give false hope.

Your choices are simple and few. You can continue, as is, if she is willing. She can become active online again. Or, you can take a break from each other. As long as you're clear and honest and make your choices consciously based on clear relationship goals, you will be doing so for the right reasons.

Ann Robbins | www.lifeworksmatchmaking.com | 954.561.4498

Randy responds ...

Your dilemma is very common. Most people feel unloved or unlovable to some degree, and, therefore, insecure. The result is that they want to remove the uncertainty by getting a "commitment" to exclusivity. The problem is that such a commitment is not worth much because it does not have enough of a basis in reality.

A real "commitment" would be to stick together "through thick and thin," including a period of non-exclusive dating. If she doesn't have the courage to stick it out with you during this phase of dating, it's unlikely she will have what it takes to make a strong lifetime partner.

You can tell her that you really care a lot about her and that you want to spend enough time so that when you make a commitment it will be one you believe will last. Hopefully that is what she wants also -- a lasting commitment, not just a temporary one. Your sincerity with her will pay higher dividends than a false commitment.

Randy Hurlburt | www.PartnersinLoveandCrime.com | 858. 455.0799

Hazel responds ...

There are no rights or wrongs when it comes to dating someone exclusively. I commend you for wanting to be in the right place before making this kind of commitment.

It sounds like this lady wants to become an "instant couple." My question would be, "why is she so desperate to turn this into a full-time relationship right now?" It sounds like this might be a red flag and I suggest you heed your own instincts.

If you've been honest with her about dating others and have not had a conversation where you mutually agreed to remove your profiles, I don't think you are obliged to do so. I think her feelings of betrayal might be more about her, not about being in a relationship with you. Although she is entitled to her feelings, you are not responsible for her feeling this way.

Not only do you have yourself to think about, but also you have a child. I highly encourage you to wait until you are comfortable and you feel it's "the right time" for you, whether it's with this woman or someone else. Also, if you haven't already, I suggest you read Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life in Today's World by David Steele, in which I think you will find wonderful guidance in this area. I'm sure whatever you decide it will be the right choice for you.

Hazel Palache | www.TheAstonishingPowerofYou.com | 818.972.4415

Judith responds ...

This is a situation that comes up often in relationships that start online. Your situation is not an easy one but this is how I see it. The first thing I would ask you is how do you see this relationship? If you are happy and feel this is a good one, why not take your profile down while you explore how far it can go. If you do not feel that this is a good thing, why take her time and yours while you continue to search?

While you are dating this lady, and at the same time looking for others, the possibility of a full relationship developing looks to be weak. I am wondering why you want to continue seeing this lady so many times if you are unsure. At the same time I understand that you have been through a difficult time and there is a child involved which makes things even more challenging so your caution in making a commitment is understandable.

The risk here is that she is unlikely to stay around much longer and you may be foregoing a good relationship in the hope of finding something better. The choices are yours to make. I see three possibilities.

1. Keep your profile up and risk losing this person.
2. Take your profile down, pursue this relationship and hope it works out.
3. Negotiate a time frame for keeping your profile up and seek her agreement. If there is no agreement, your choice becomes more immediate.

You are being cautious which is good, but make sure you take a good look at who you may be letting go of by your actions.

Judith Gabor, PhD | www.GaborStrategyGroup.com | 416.480. 0598

Feature Article:
Dating After Divorce: How to Know if You're Ready

Interview with RCI Coach Lisa Fredette

How do you know if you're ready to start dating? What should you be doing if you're not ready? Lisa Fredette, an expert who coaches divorced women to create the future they desire, shares her wisdom when it comes to dating after divorce.

Tara Kachaturoff
Editor

Tara: What are the signs that someone is NOT ready to begin dating after divorce?

Lisa Fredette: Three common signs someone is not ready include having unresolved issues, unwillingness to forgive, and coming from a place of need rather than want.

Unresolved issues from a previous relationship. You know there are unresolved issues if you still speak ill of your ex-spouse. This can stem from not properly dealing with your feelings of anger, guilt or regret. These feelings need to be resolved before moving forward into another relationship. If they are not, they will become part of the new relationship and the cycle will continue.

Unwillingness to forgive. If you haven't forgiven your ex-spouse or yourself for the end of the marriage, or asked for forgiveness from others, then you are not in the right place to start a new relationship. When you don't forgive, you are handing over your control to others and, as a result, your decision-making and the way you live your life is tainted by this lack of control.

If you are unable to forgive others, then you are harboring feelings of bitterness, anger and guilt, which in turn effects how you experience each day. These feelings cloud how you deal with others and experience life. As a result, the person you are unable to forgive is controlling your life. This is not a good place from which to start a relationship.

Coming from a place of need rather than want. Fear of being alone is very common after a marriage ends. Believing that no one will want you and your baggage, or that all the good ones are taken, are common thoughts. When you are in this mindset you need someone to validate you to make you feel okay about the future.

Coming from a place of need, while searching for a relationship, is a recipe for another failed relationship. A relationship is not meant to fill your need or to validate you; it is there to compliment you and your life. If you are seeing a relationship as a means to fill a void or to make you feel better, whether emotionally or financially, then you are not ready to begin dating.

Tara: If you're not ready to begin dating, what can you do to get ready?

Lisa Fredette: There are three things you can start working on right now -- identifying unresolved issues, forgiving, and becoming comfortable with being single.

Identify the unresolved issue. Gain the tools and/or support you need to effectively deal with your feelings of anger, guilt, regret or fear. Resolve to feel the feelings, get them out of your system so you no longer have animosity toward your ex or yourself. Heal from the hurt and pain. Only when you can interact with your ex without conflict and animosity do you know you've made it. Until then, keep working on it.

Forgive. Take the steps you need to find forgiveness in your heart for your ex-spouse and yourself. Ask for forgiveness. Then let it go. If you can't do it alone, find support or resources to help you get there. This is one of the biggest pieces to the puzzle. Put this piece in its proper place and you are well on your way to being ready for a new relationship.

Become comfortable with being single. Take the time to get to know you again. Learn how to take care of yourself and be alone. Find out what you like about yourself, what you want to do with this empty canvas of a future you now have. Become the person you want to date. Once you are comfortable with being alone, then and only then will you be ready to search for a partner from a place of want rather than need.

Tara: What's the value of working with a coach to assist with this process?

Lisa Fredette: A coach can help you identify unresolved issues. Sometimes you are just too close to the situation to see what they are. A coach can help shed some light. They can hold up an unbiased mirror and reflect what you know but are unable to see.

A coach can provide you with tools and techniques to help you effectively deal with these issues so you can finally lay them to rest and begin building a strong foundation from which to start a new relationship if you choose. A coach can provide you with a safe environment, without judgment or their own agenda, where you can begin to heal and grow.

Tara: If you could give one piece of advice to someone who is divorced, who may or may not be ready to move into a new relationship, what would it be?

Lisa Fredette: My first piece of advice would be to really take the time to deal with all the emotional baggage from your divorce. Ask for support if you can't do it alone. Once you have been able get through this stage, I would encourage you to take the time and really get to know you. All too often we lose parts of ourselves when we are in a relationship. Now that the relationship is over, it's time to reconnect with those lost parts and discover some new things about yourself.

Set your life up the way you want it to be, become excited about your new found freedom and begin to envision what you want your future to look like. Step outside your comfort zone, learn new things, expand your circle of friends and embrace your singlehood. Become the person with whom you would want to spend the rest of your life.

Once you have achieved that, you will be able to attract a life partner that supports this life. You will find that you no longer need a partner in your life, but instead want someone with whom you can share your amazing life. Trust me -- it's worth the journey. And if you don't want to take it alone, be sure to ask for support from a coach, minister or support group.

Copyright © 2008 by Lisa Fredette. All rights reserved in all media.

Lisa Fredette is a CTA Certified Life Coach, RCI Licensed Relationship Coach, Author, Speaker and owner of Passionate About Life Coaching. As a coach Lisa supports women who are ready to reclaim their relationship with themselves and who understand that personal and professional success depends on it.
www.LisaFredette.com 814.594.5817

Bonus Article:
Living Single and Loving It

by Maureen Staiano

Every day, we are bombarded by ads and tips for navigating the world of dating. If we didn't know better, we might believe that in order to be complete in our life we need to have a mate. Well, if that were true, what about all the folks out there who are living single and apparently loving it?

Being Single: An Increasing Trend

In 1970, only 7.8% of Americans aged 30-34 had never married. By 2003, that number had risen to 27.9%. The reasons are many -- the rise in the divorce rate, the feminist movement, and the intolerance by many singles to be married just for the sake of having a partner. Add to that the fact that people are living longer which has increased the chance they will be living that way as a widow or widower.

The plus side is that it's easier than ever to be living single. Though it once may have been the norm to have a two-parent household, with the rise in the divorce rate, many parents are doing the job alone or sharing it with their ex-spouse. Having a child as a single woman or adopting as a single parent have found an acceptance today that they might not have enjoyed twenty or more years ago.

Enjoying Life and Not Settling for Anything Less

Despite what you may have been led to believe, single people are living full and happy lives and are not necessarily looking to change their single status. That is not to say they shun relationships, but instead they feel free to not settle for anything less than Mr. or Ms. Right. If the perfect person comes along, it is a blessing; but if it never happens, they certainly don't feel as though they have been cursed.

A single woman today does not depend on a partner for financial security. She has her own investments, buys her own home and has a family if she desires. In fact, single women are the second largest group of home buyers nationally. Clearly a man does not define who she is for she is perfectly capable of defining herself. As for the single men out there, a woman does not equate to a complete life. They are able to create that for themselves.

Prioritizing Life Goals

Many singles feel that marriage is a full-time job and for now they have other goals they want to achieve. They have career and education goals that take priority. If a relationship does not interfere with these goals, that's fine, but clearly a relationship may be a little lower on the list of priorities.

Let's not discount the population of single adults left in the wake of rising divorce rates. Living single has allowed them an opportunity to reconnect with themselves after being in an unsuccessful relationship. By living single, one can more clearly define the appealing parts of being in a relationship as well as those things which they would never tolerate again.

New Choices for Today's Single

For some people, singleness is thrust upon them through the death of a spouse or partner, but for a growing number of others, it is a conscious choice. Though many admit that being single was not their first choice, they have come to accept life on life's terms and pursue nothing less than a full and happy life.

Researchers may have found that married people are happier than single people and even live longer. Many traditionalists may feel that singles are making a mistake by shunning the accepted view of how men and women should conduct their lives -- meaning together -- for the benefit of society. Despite these beliefs, it appears that the marriage rate is slowing down and today's singles are finding that the traditional married role will not necessarily guarantee happiness.

Living single today includes carving out a life that is uniquely one's own. By the looks of it, single men and women, whether they remain single in the short term or for the long haul, are finding a way to love it.

Copyright © 2008 by Maureen Staiano. All rights reserved in all media.


Maureen Staiano  |  www.AchieveYourDreamCoaching.com

Conscious Dating Resources

F`ree monthy Conscious Dating Tele-seminars

F`ree monthy Conscious Dating Tele-Clinic

New! Conscious Dating Audio Programs

• Conscious Dating for Boomers: Finding Love After 50
  
• Conscious Dating at a Distance: What to Do When You're Attracted to Someone 1500 Miles Away
  
• Ten Steps for Finding Your Soul Mate in 2007
  
• Conscious Internet Dating: Using Your Computer to Find Your Soul Mate


• Check Out Our Advanced Consicous Dating Strategies Audio Package
• New! Conscious Mating Audio Programs

Visit our website at www.ConsciousDating.org for FREE cutting-edge information and tools for finding the love of your life, including:

" Register for our 5-Day e-Program for Singles, "How To Find Your Life Partner"

" Take our proprietary Relationship Readiness Quiz

" Listen to outstanding audio programs such as "Find the Love of Your Life AND The Life That You Love" and "Conscious Dating for Relationship Success"

" Access our Knowledge Bank for innovative relationship tools, strategies and concepts

" Check out our talented RCI-trained Relationship Coaches at www.ConsciousDating.org/coach

For More Information

ConsciousDating.org, a resource for singles offered by Relationship Coaching Institute, is a worldwide relationship coaching organization dedicated to helping you 'find the love of your life AND the life that you love'. For more information about us, please visit our web site at www.consciousdating.org
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Tired of being alone? Get a Relationship Coach! Check out our coaches at: www.ConsciousDating.org/coach
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NEW RELATIONSHIP? Congratulations in moving forward in your life partner quest! WHAT NOW?

Visit www.ConsciousMating.org for cutting-edge information and resources for couples. You will be glad you did! Please share this with new couples that you care about.
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Are you a coach or other helping professional who works with singles and couples? If you want to know more about adding the Conscious Dating Relationship Coaching tools to your professional toolbox, visit relationshipcoachinginstitute.com
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Please share this newsletter with your single friends, family, and co-workers, and you can be a partner in their success, too!

Links to Us

Contact

Tara Alexandra Kachaturoff | Editor, Conscious Dating Newsletter for Singles Tara@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com
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Visit our website for singles at www.ConsciousDating.org

Relationship Coaching Institute
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Free resources for singles and couples www.RelationshipCoachingNetwork.org

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Copyright 2008 by ConsciousDating.org. All rights reserved. Feel free to share this with others as long as our contact information and authorship is included.
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