you're dating someone do you ever wonder-
"Is this the right
relationship for me?"
Our Conscious Mating
Audio Programs provide detailed, comprehensive strategies for dating
and mating, addressing all the relationship and decision-making
challenges that arise when you're single and seeking your soul mate.
These audio programs are
recorded from our live tele-seminars and include the MP3 audio file for
playing on your computer, MP3 player (iPod or other), or burning onto a
CD, AND a complete PDF transcript for following along and making notes.
Program #1- Is This the
Right Relationship for Me? Introduction to the Pre-commitment Stage
Program #2- Am I Ready
to Be a Couple?
Program #3- Finding
Lasting Love by Experiencing Your Experience
Program #4- Should We
Program #5- Dealing
With Our Baggage
Program #6- Are We
Program #7- Sharing Our
Program #8- Deciding
"Is This The One?"
Program #9- When We
Must Say Goodbye
them out at www.ConsciousMatingAudio.com
Ask Our Coaches:
Love vs Infatuation. What’s the Difference?
... How do you really know when you’re in
This column answers
questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to
who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue,
we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.
divorced, and a mother of two young twin boys. I’m a
successful business professional and everything in my life is going
very well. Three months ago, I met a man who is 45. He’s
divorced with two older teenagers who live with his ex-wife. We get
along in every way possible. I’ve even met the ex-wife and
she’s really great, too. We haven’t been intimate
yet, but we both plan to move to this next step soon.
Recently, we both
expressed that we love each other. We both want to move forward with
our ultimate goal of getting married. This is the second serious
relationship I’ve had, the first being to the man from whom
I’m currently divorced. I have dated others, but this
relationship is clearly different. I don’t feel my judgment
about him is off in any way.
My question has to do
with love. How do you really know when you’re in love? How
does love differ from infatuation? My girlfriend says that
we’re just infatuated – that we haven’t
known each other long enough to be in love. I disagree. I’m
not a teenager and I feel that I am in touch with my feelings. But,
now, I’m wondering about this. How can anyone tell the
difference between the two? Do you think I could be infatuated?
Sometimes there is a fine
line between infatuation and love, especially when you move from
infatuation into love. Every loving relationship started someplace, and
this might very well be the man for you. I think it’s awesome
that you’ve been seeing him for three months and you
haven’t slept with him. This means that at least you are not
mixing or confusing love and sex. Give yourself a pat on the back for
being so wise.
Ultimately, if you keep
dating and are moving forward in this relationship, it really
doesn’t matter. You both are happy. Keep moving forward, keep
getting to know one another, and keep a look-out for whether he meets
all of your requirements. Also notice whether there are any red-flags
or deal breakers
look towards experts to tell you whether or not you are in love. If you
are happy and FEEL LOVE for this man, then validate yourself and BE
loving. If you are really only seeing him through rose-colored lenses,
time will certainly let you know. Enjoy what you have.
Rubenstein, JD, CPC | firstname.lastname@example.org
I believe there is a
significant difference between infatuation and love, which if not
understood could result in a very bad decision. Infatuation is a
feeling, while love is a decision.
Certainly, the love
decision includes the impact of your feelings but must also incorporate
a deeply pondered head-based evaluation of your requirements in a
relationship and whether this man can meet them. Likewise, he needs to
go through this same type of evaluation. This is called "balancing your
heart with your head."
It also may define the
difference between a conscious and an unconscious decision. You mention
that you are in touch with your feelings. Are you as much in touch with
the facts, your requirements and your head? Using a coach may be an
effective way to help you with this.
You mention that you are
anticipating becoming intimate with this man soon. I caution you in
doing so as the presence of sexual intimacy is almost certain to
increase the positive "feelings" and encourage you to lose your
objectivity concerning "head" matters. Sexual intimacy is best saved
for a committed relationship based on a love decision, with the heart
and head in balance.
Bailey | email@example.com
– what is the difference between love and infatuation? My
first question to you would be what is your definition of love? You
shared that you were no longer a teenager and were in touch with your
feelings – so what are those feelings telling you? Only you
have the answer – your girlfriend doesn’t. Does
this man fit into your vision of a loving relationship? Does he fit the
criteria that you define for a relationship? Are your relationship
requirements being met with this man?
If you were able to
answer “yes” to all of these questions then it is
probably fair to say that you are in love. However, if you hesitated
with any of these, I would recommend getting a little clearer on these
issues before moving the relationship to a deeper level of commitment.
If you are unclear about
your relationship vision or relationship requirements, you will
undoubtedly be led down the road of disappointment ad disillusionment.
Get clear on what you must have in a relationship and then determine
whether he is in alignment with that. By doing so, you will be able to
determine whether or not it is love or infatuation.
Lisa A. Fredette | www.LisaFredette.com
All You Need is Love …
Plus a Few Other Ingredients
by Annette Carpien
You’ve found that special someone. You’re both in
love and hope and expect that your life together will always be this
happy. Yet you know that hurt and disappointment often happen. What
else, besides LOVE, do you really need to be happy and satisfied and
for love to last?
Here are ten
indispensable ingredients for lasting love:
Do you actually like,
respect and admire each other? Imagine spending countless hours over
many years with someone you neither like nor find interesting. This
often happens in relationships that were built primarily on attraction,
and perhaps hope, and nothing more substantial.
Communication and Conflict Resolution Skills
move into a power struggle stage where each of you is likely to
experience your needs not being met. Learn to avoid the danger signs
when arguing and to use the skills that are known to enhance
communication and understanding, so you can work towards win-win
Clarify your own goals,
dreams, and vision for your life. Find out whether your partner can and
will support you in achieving and living them. See if you can align
with his or her goals, dreams, and vision as well.
Relationship Requirements and Needs
What qualities do you
need in your relationship to be happy? Focus on the qualities in the
relationship that are crucial to you, rather than on the physical or
personality characteristics of your partner.
Sufficient Time, Talk, Togetherness, and Testing
Make good use of your
time together to discover your areas of compatibility, whether your
requirements can be met, and whether you and your mate’s
behavior patterns and attitudes are ones you both can live with --
before you move into commitment.
Distinguish between Chemistry and Lust
Chemistry is the special
energy that tells a couple they have the raw materials for success as a
couple; it keeps them bonded and moving forward together. It could
include physical and sexual attraction, but is not limited to these
factors. The intensity of sexual attraction as the primary building
block of a relationship will fade rather quickly, and will not provide
the needed ingredients to overcome the power struggles and hurts that
inevitably appear and reappear in a relationship.
7. Clear Choices
Step into a committed
relationship with a clear sense of partnership, alignment with each
other, and full assertiveness, without suppressing doubts or succumbing
to external pressures. Can you align on money, and if relevant,
parenting, religion, family and other important issues? Discuss them
and get these handled before you move forward into commitment.
Prioritize your Relationship
Over time, the more you
prioritize your relationship, your sense of US, the more strength and
satisfaction you build into the fabric of your relationship. This can
be a huge challenge later on in the relationship as work, home, family,
friends, outside interests and other demands create pressures and
9. Building Trust in
Yourself and in Your Partner
Learn how to create a
culture of trust early on and how to keep feeding it, so when
temptations that will sabotage that trust present themselves (probably
when you feel most vulnerable), you can muster the strength and inner
wisdom to walk away from anything that will hurt and undermine your
You each bring strengths
and challenges, fears and areas of confidence into your relationship.
Areas in which there are imbalances of power or influence, which your
current methods of communication are not resolving, may need new tools
and skills to ward off reactivity, resentment and sabotage. If you feel
unsafe or dominated in any way, it is best to exit the relationship.
Seem like a daunting
list? There are many more ingredients that could be added to the list
that encompass sexual satisfaction, embracing and/or setting boundaries
related to other family members or friends, and many others issues.
Working with a
relationship coach can help you address these from a perspective of
self and partner discovery. A coach can also help you create the forum
for openly asserting and validating your requirements, needs and wants,
and for developing needed relationship and communication skills.
Copyright © by
Annette Carpien. All rights reserved.
Carpien | firstname.lastname@example.org
10 Ways to Get Over Him (or Her!)
by Lisa Fredette, CTA
You really thought he was the one – the love of your life.
Then you wake up one day and the relationship is over. Now what do you
do? How do you get over him? How do you put the pieces of your life
back together without him?
Don’t Listen to Other People’s Advice
There is no question that
the advice of friends or family is meant to be helpful, but it is not
always the right advice for you. So the first step in getting over him
is to not listen to other people’s advice. Believe it or not,
you know what is right for you.
Accept Yourself Where You Are
You may not always make
the right choices at first, you may behave in unflattering ways and you
may even make some serious mistakes. Be accepting of where you are
right now. We all heal at different levels, so give yourself a break.
Don’t rush it because others say you should.
Don’t Blame Yourself
I am sure there are
things that you did or said that you wish you could change now. You may
even believe that those things caused the relationship to end. Rather
than blaming yourself for the action or words, learn from them. Take
this time to learn about yourself and what aspects of your life you
would like to change so you can attract a more compatible partner into
Listen to your Intuition
Your intuition will help
you make the right choices for you and guide you in the right
direction. Pay attention to what your intuition is telling you. This is
your compass that will help direct you out of the emotional fog that is
surrounding you so you can begin to face the reality of the situation
-- that the relationship is over.
Byron Katie said
“when you fight with reality you lose but 100% of the
time.” If he told you it is over then it is over -- even if
he talks to you the next time you see him, still calls once in a while
or it seems like he still cares. Stop reading more into his actions
than what is really there. Stop wishing and hoping that the situation
was different. Just think, if you are too busy trying to hold on to
something that is no longer there, your true love may walk right by and
you will never meet him.
Ask for Help
If you can’t
move past the loss of this relationship alone, then ask for help. I
mean help from a non-biased, unattached party – not from your
best friend or your mother. They can be a great support system when you
need a shoulder to cry on or to vent, but they can be part of the
reason why you are not moving forward. You may want to consider hiring
a coach, talking to minister or joining a support group to help you get
through the roughest patch.
Allow yourself to get
angry. Let’s be real -- you’re going to get mad;
it’s part of the package. You need to find a safe outlet for
your angry feelings. You can’t just go over to your
ex’s house and punch him out – I know that is what
you were thinking. You need to find another outlet for your anger,
whether it be running, kickboxing, punching a pillow or writing anger
letters. Whatever method you choose is up to you – just get
Learn to Forgive
Forgive yourself for the
mistakes you made in the relationship and learn from them. Forgive him
for breaking your heart or the mistakes he made that pushed you away or
whatever it is you find in your heart to forgive. Remember forgiveness
is really about giving up the belief that you can change the past.
Get Reconnected with You
The end of a relationship
is a great opportunity to get reconnected with your self. Without the
distraction of a relationship, you can really take the time to get
reacquainted with your best friend -- you.
Think about what you want
your life to look like now that you are no longer in the relationship.
What do you want it to look like? What can you do today to start making
that future a reality? Now is the time to start moving forward.
Copyright © 2007
by Lisa Fredette. All rights reserved in all media.
A. Fredette | CTA Certified Life Coach
Passionate About Life Coaching
F`ree monthy Conscious
Conscious Dating Audio Programs
our website at www.ConsciousDating.org
for FREE cutting-edge information and tools for finding the love of
your life, including:
" Register for our 5-Day e-Program for Singles, "How To Find Your Life
" Take our proprietary Relationship Readiness Quiz
" Listen to outstanding audio programs such as "Find the Love of Your
Life AND The Life That You Love" and "Conscious Dating for Relationship
" Access our Knowledge Bank for innovative relationship tools,
strategies and concepts
" Check out our talented RCI-trained Relationship Coaches at www.ConsciousDating.org/coach
a resource for singles offered by Relationship Coaching Institute, is a
worldwide relationship coaching organization dedicated to helping you
'find the love of your life AND the life that you love'. For more
information about us, please visit our web site at www.consciousdating.org
Tired of being alone? Get a Relationship Coach! Check out our coaches
NEW RELATIONSHIP? Congratulations in moving forward in your life
partner quest! WHAT NOW?
for cutting-edge information and resources for couples. You will be
glad you did! Please share this with new couples that you care about.
Are you a coach or other helping professional who works with singles
and couples? If you want to know more about adding the Conscious Dating
Relationship Coaching tools to your professional toolbox, visit relationshipcoachinginstitute.com
Please share this newsletter with your single friends, family, and
co-workers, and you can be a partner in their success, too!
Links to Us
Kachaturoff | Editor, Conscious
Dating Newsletter for Singles email@example.com
Visit our website for
singles at www.ConsciousDating.org
Free introductory training! relationshipcoachinginstitute.com
Members of Relationship
Free resources for singles and couples www.RelationshipCoachingNetwork.org
subscribe to this newsletter and join our f`ree Conscious Dating Online
refer singles your care about to www.ConsciousDating.org
Free monthly tele-seminars! www.BuildingYourIdealPractice.com
Copyright 2007 by
ConsciousDating.org. All rights reserved. Feel free to share this with
others as long as our contact information and authorship is included.