May 2007

In this issue:

Free to our subscribers!

Conscious Dating
Tele-Seminar Series
www.ConsciousDatingSeminars.com

Conscious Dating Tele-Clinic
www.ConsciousDatingTeleclinic.com

Conscious Relationship
Tele-Seminar Series
www.ConsciousRelationshipSeminars.com

Conscious Relationship Podcast
www.ConsciousRelationshipPodcast.com

Conscious Relationship Article Bank
www.ConsciousRelationshipArticles.com

David Steele
Founder,
Relationship Coaching Institute

Frankie Doiron
President & CEO
Relationship Coaching Institute

Tara Kachaturoff
Editor | Conscious Dating News
Email

Copyright 2008 by ConsciousDating.org All rights reserved.

Now Available!

Order a copy today for your single friends and family members at www.ConsciousDating.com

Announcements

Conscious Dating Tele-Seminar Series

First Thursday of each month, free to our subscribers. If you've received this from a friend and wish to join us register here. It's free!

May Program
Thursday, May 3, 6:30pm pacific/9:30pm eastern

Being the Chooser: A New Paradigm for Loving Yourself

With Frankie Doiron and special guest, RCI Director of Singles Training, Lynne Michelson

We have been asking singles to tell us their biggest challenges with Conscious Dating and we've received many questions about the concept of being a ‘Chooser.’ If you've ever felt rejected when a date didn't reciprocate your feelings of interest, then this program's for you. We've even lined up a special guest expert to share her insights.

In this program you learn-

• What being a ‘Chooser’ really means and why it is your guarantee to finding the love of your life



• Why self-love and acceptance are the basis of a ‘Chooser’ perspective



• The top 5 obstacles you need to overcome to be a ‘Chooser’



• How to forever eliminate feelings of fear and rejection



• What your ideal partner is looking for in a mate and how you can stand above the crowd



• Why living your life fully, in alignment with your values and life vision, makes you a magnet for love



• And much more!

Mark your calendar right now. You WILL want to attend this outstanding program!

Can't make it? No problem! Each program in recorded and you can get the MP3 audio file for playing on your computer, MP3 player (iPod or other), or burning onto a CD, a complete written transcript for following along and making notes and immediate access to the recorded program via telephone replay line and link to presenter's notes and other supplementary information here.

Get Ready for Love

For free immediate access to an outstanding audio program Get Ready for Love click here

Get Ready for Love is an introduction to our innovative 4-week Conscious DatingTele-program for singles who are serious about getting ready for love in 2007.

- Live your life fully and authentically, while in
alignment with your values and life vision;

- Avoid the repetition of making poor relationship
choices;

- Remove the blocks and old behavior patterns that sabotage your relationships;

- Find a partner who is genuinely aligned with who you are and what you want in life;

- Dramatically increase your self-esteem,
attractiveness and confidence;

- Live your life as a 'chooser' by staying focused on your relationship goals and forever eliminating fear of rejection;

- Learn how to say 'yes' to what you truly want and 'no' to what you don't want.

Dates: Tuesdays, May 1, 8, 15 and 22,, 2007
Time: 5:30 - 7:00 PM PST / 8:30 - 10:00 PM EST
Place: By telephone from the comfort of your home or
office.

For more information and to register go to:
www.consciousdatingprogram.com

"If you are single, the Conscious Dating program is a
must. The concepts are liberating and innovative. As someone who always struggled with low self-esteem especially around women, this program helped me understand the importance of self acceptance and authenticity. I'll never approach dating or relationships the same way again."
      ~ Dave Wagner, Kitchener, ON

Free Conscious Dating Tele-Clinic
Thursday, May 17, 6:30pm pacific/9:30pm eastern

This is a monthly conference call exclusively for single readers of David Steele's book Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life in Today's World.

• Feeling stuck?
• Got a question about some aspect of Conscious Dating?
• Frustrated with dating altogether?
• Want some free advice and coaching?

This Tele-Clinic is for you!

Led by David Steele, Frankie Doiron, and guest RCI coaches, we want to personally help you find the love of your life and the life that you love.

When: Third Thursday of each month, 6:30pm pacific/9:30pm eastern

Duration: 90 minutes

How to Join: It's free! Simply register here

Thanks so much for being a Conscious Dating reader and we look forward to having you join us!

Ask Our Coaches:
Single vs Separated: Does it Make a Difference?

...Am I making a mistake by dating someone who is separated? Do you think I’m wasting my time?

This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to Tara@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.

Dear Coaches, 

I met a great guy 4 months ago through an online dating service. We see each other 3 or 4 times each week and almost every weekend. I’m single, 38, and never married, but want to get married. Ryan is 48 and has two grown sons who are on their own. He’s been separated from his wife for about a year. It will probably be another year until their divorce is finalized because he owns a fairly large company and a lot of real estate and other assets which complicate matters.

Everything about our relationship is great, but I don’t know where it’s going. It seems that everything has to stay in limbo because he isn’t really single. While we’re both really enjoying our time together, I’m wondering if this is affecting the level of intimacy that we can establish together.

Getting married is important to me. I’ve never been married and want to enjoy that experience with the right person. I’ve mentioned marriage a couple of times but we’ve never had any serious conversations about it. I think I’m sensitive to bringing it up because I know he’s still married – at least technically.

My girlfriend says he's not really available and it would be in my best interest to stop dating him and find someone who is really single. She also says he’s probably not going to want to think about marriage as soon as his divorce is finalized; she’s convinced he’ll want to enjoy his freedom. Am I making a mistake by dating someone who is separated? Do you think I’m wasting my time?

Shannon in Seattle

Congratulations for identifying what is important to you in a relationship; intimacy, commitment and marriage. The key to choosing a good long-term relationship is identifying your needs and then determining whether or not the relationship is meeting those needs. Even more important is verbalizing them to your partner. After verbalizing your needs, then you must determine whether your partner is willing or able to meet them. If he is committed to meeting them, then you must determine within what time frame you are willing to wait for them to be met.

Establish timelines; this will give you some control back. For example, where would you like to see the relationship in three months, six months and in one year? Use this vision as your guide to identify whether you are wasting your time on this relationship. Check in with the relationship at the three-month, six-month and one-year marker. If you’re not seeing the results you’re looking for, you may want to consider finding another partner who is in a better place to provide what you are seeking in a relationship. Always honor what is most important to you and never settle for less.

Lisa A. Fredette | coach@lisafredette.com| www.lisafredette.com | 814.594.5817

Have you considered you may be in the infatuation phase?  During this time, friends and family can provide valuable assistance in noticing your behavior when you are in the relationship as well as when you are around him. You seem understanding about the circumstances surrounding his divorce. He has a long list of "unfinished business." It seems like your reasons for not asserting what you want are due to his unfinished business.

Where are your requirements for YOU in this relationship? You described what we refer to as a "mini marriage." It often develops from the fear of being alone, that we won't be able to find anyone else like this person, and so we end up settling for less because of beliefs we have about ourselves. 

If you look at your requirements, needs and wants, how does this relationship match who you are and what you want? Shannon, it is clear you are excited about this new relationship and want it to work. How do you fit in with the way things are going? It might be helpful to discuss the issues you mentioned with an experienced RCI Coach who can assist you in evaluating your situation. 

LeAnn O'Neal, MA, MFT
leann@consciousrelating.org
530.676.3847

Two things jump out at me - your reluctance to discuss marriage and your statement that your relationship is in “limbo.” This reveals that you do not give yourself the liberty to be your authentic self.  Is it possible he does not truly know the real Shannon? If he were to experience your authenticity, how would he react? 
 
To determine if you are wasting your time, you must evaluate what you want. If you want to learn a potentially valuable lesson of why not to get involved with someone who isn’t single, no, you are not wasting your time. However, if you are looking to find the love of your life to create a beautiful future together, yes, you could be wasting your time. Has he ever talked with you about his previous relationship? If so, was the conversation objective, or was it one-sided? Does he understand what went wrong in his last relationship and how to overcome those issues in the future? This understanding is crucial for both of you because when understanding is not present, patterns persist.
 
Pay attention to your girlfriend’s comments. Friends are a great resource of wisdom throughout the dating process.
 
Cherice Tyler
redmole@yahoo.com, 804.931.4229

Lori responds …

I typically advise people not to date until one year after divorce because they need to spend time working on the issues that lead to the ending of their marriage. Once someone starts dating, they stop working on the previous issues and get very comfortable in a new, exciting relationship. But that's not really your question, is it? You want to know, if you stick around, will he marry you? He is spending virtually no time discussing it with you, has not made any proposals, and has not even acknowledged to you that he is leaning in that direction; that leads me to believe he is happy where the relationship is right now. 

From your brief description, what he wants is to continue to date you. Nothing more. You have an absolute requirement -- marriage. This is what you want. Find out what he wants. Ask him about his goals, dreams, and aspirations. If he refuses to sit down and have a serious discussion about the future, well then, that is your answer. A healthy response for you is NEXT! Find someone who wants what you want. Remember, you deserve to get exactly what you want.

Lori S. Rubenstein, JD, CPC |
lori@attorney-coach.com | 928.634.0252

Four months is a short time to know someone before marriage.  Technically he's not single, however, the length of his separation and the fact he's openly dating in front of his children, indicate his commitment to divorce.
You seem desperate for marriage, without knowing your potential life partner fully. You've mentioned it twice – that you know he's unavailable to marry. If you left him today, how long would the process of finding another potential husband take? If you think it’s a real possibility that he’s "the one," then what's the benefit to you if you drop him and start prospecting again? 


He has a lot to deal with right now. Divorce and the division of assets is often a difficult, angry and bitter experience. He’d probably appreciate your support a lot more than he would your pressures to marry. His future is so uncertain right now that future plans are impossible to make. Worst case scenario – within the year you discover he's not your ideal partner and you avoid, luckily, a bad marriage. You would still be able to continue looking for Mr. Right and marriage. Best case scenario – you both agree you were meant to marry, and enjoy a happy, long-term future together.

Nan Einarson | http://www.make-it-so.ca
nan@make-it-so.ca| 905.728.5882

Yes. If your goal is marriage, you are wasting your time. Do the math. You’re 38 now. He won’t be divorced until you’re at least 39—with no guarantee that the divorce will be final even then. Then, how long would it take after the divorce was final for you to be married? You don’t indicate that he has ever said he wants to be married again. If this divorce process has been long and involved, there’s every chance he’ll feel burned and disinterested in remarriage. And even if he should be interested, wisdom suggests that he needs time to recover from one marriage before heading into another. So how long are you willing to wait for something that’s not in any way a sure thing?
                        
A simple but valid rule of thumb in these cases is to say: When your divorce is final, call me. In the meantime, I’ll be looking for someone truly free and ready for a new relationship. Listen to your girlfriend; let her be support for you. Find the man you deserve to have: one in a position for a committed relationship, and who is eager for a committed relationship—with you!

Sandra Rohr, M.A. | Your Personal Love Coach
www.yourpersonallovecoach.com
sandy@yourpersonallovecoach.com
714.774.8540

Feature Article:
Seven Tips for Living a Fulfilled Single Life

by Sandra Rohr, M.A.

Are you living as a successful single? Or are you single and hating every minute of it?

Do you believe that simply being single makes you a loser, and that having a partner will automatically make your life perfect? While it is true that everyone longs for a loving relationship, there is no reason to live an unfulfilled life while you are single. And it is totally possible to live the life you love—even without a partner.

I have identified the following seven tips that can transform your life.

#1 Adjust your attitude

Attitude is everything. As long as you think that you can’t be happy alone, you can’t be. And the good news is that the reverse is also true: if you think you can be happy alone, you can be! This is not to suggest that the blues will never hit, but when they do, you have the choice of how to deal. Okay, if you must, spend a few minutes crying, but then blow your nose and put on some bouncy music and dance! Call a friend and talk only about positive things. Do some unexpected nice thing for another person. See what this will do for your attitude.

#2 Be grateful for every good thing in your life

One of the best pieces of advice I ever heard is to keep a gratitude journal. I was told that a simple listing of five things a day for which I am grateful would change my life; and it did! And here’s the great part: it’s not necessary to list only big things. Be grateful for the smallest of life’s pleasures, such as petting a purring cat, or sipping a cup of hot, fragrant tea. They can have such a positive effect on us that we immediately begin to draw more good things to us. It’s the gratitude that counts.

#3 Vision your ideal life

Find a place where you love to be—perhaps in your favorite outdoor location—and sit still for a few minutes, just taking in your surroundings. Then close your eyes and take a few deep breaths. When you are in a relaxed, receptive state, begin to dream about what you want your life to look like in twenty years. Where do you want to be living? What kind of house do you want to be living in? What work do you want to be doing? What kind of activities do you want to be doing when you’re not working? Is travel part of your vision? If so, where? White, sandy beaches on the Mediterranean? Safaris in Africa? Dream really big; know that you deserve only the best and dream it. Write this all down.

#4 Fill your calendar with meaningful activities

Now that you have envisioned your ideal life, start to implement it immediately. Join an activist group; help bring about the reversal of global warming. Become politically active; volunteer to get out the vote. Travel to Spain. Get tickets for the theatre—or better yet, take an acting class and get involved in community theatre. Volunteer for Meals on Wheels; volunteer to read to children at the library. You get the picture. Focus on your passion and find a way to become involved with it.

#5 Begin an activity that includes being physically active

What have you always wanted to do? Dance? Swim? Bike? Bowl? No matter; just choose one. There are many benefits to being physically active, the most obvious one that physical fitness looks good! And it feels good; just getting out of the house on a regular basis changes your view of the world. Moving produces wonderful endorphins that have a positive effect on your entire outlook. And you never know who you might meet at the Sierra Club hike!

#6 Deal with your emotional hangovers

If you are still holding anger from previous relationships, now is the time to let that anger go. Holding on to anger only serves to poison your life, making you unpleasant to be around. If you are still angry at your former spouse, frequently snarling, “My ex!” you are still locked in a relationship with that person—whether you see him/her or not, and you are not free to pursue a relationship with another person.

#7 Throw a party

Celebrate your life and who you are by inviting friends to party with you—with the admission price of bringing at least one other person with them. Keep the party simple: have some upbeat music and lots of simple, inexpensive food. Not only will you have fun planning the party, you will have fun at the party; you will enlarge your circle of friends—and no one ever had too many friends!

The best part of this is not only will you immediately become a successful single, but with the change you will experience, you are far more likely to attract the partner you are seeking.

Copyright © 2007 by Sandra Rohr. All rights reserved in all media.

Sandra Rohr, M.A. | Your Personal Love Coach
www.yourpersonallovecoach.com
sandy@yourpersonallovecoach.com
714.774.8540

Bonus Article:
5 Minutes to Finding the Love of Your Life

by Jeff Herring

Are you tired of going out on several dates with the same person only to discover that this is not the person for you?

You know how it goes. You go on a few dates and think, maybe, there is something here for me. Then you find out this person never wants kids and you do. Another wasted few weeks – or more!

Find out in 5 Minutes

What if you could find out in 5 minutes whether a new person has the potential to be the love of your life? Would you like to know how to do that? Would that be cool?

One of the important skillsets in Conscious Dating includes scouting, sorting, screening, and testing. Scouting is looking around, out in the world, for people to whom you are attracted. Sorting is having conversations that tell you whether this is a person worth pursuing. Screening is doing things together and having longer conversations that tell you whether someone could be a life partner. Testing is doing life together to see if this is doable over the long haul.

In the Sorting stage, in your initial conversations, is where you can potentially find the love of your life in just five minutes.

Welcome to the Power Introduction

The power introduction is a casual conversation with powerful intentions. You don’t just ask someone a list of questions and judge them on the answers. Instead, you bring up in casual conversation topics that reflect what is important to you, and then you pay attention to the kinds of responses you receive.

For example, if I just met someone I think I might want to get to know better, I’m going to mention my two boys and the time I spend doing stuff with them. If this person responds, “Two boys! How can you stand that? When do you ever get time to your self?” then I know I do not want to pursue this any further. If, on the other hand, the response I receive is, “Wow, how much fun is that! You must be a really good dad,” then this might be worth pursuing.

This is an example of a casual conversation with powerful intentions at the sorting level. So let’s say you and this new person decide to go on a few dates. You are now at the screening level of getting to know someone. Through having longer conversations, you can get a sense as to whether or not this person could be a potential life partner.

You can use the same strategies while dating. Let’s say travel is really important to you. For someone to be right for you, he or she would need to share this interest as well. Imagine you’re on your fourth date and thinking this relationship could go somewhere. But, when you mention your love of travel, your date tells you he or she is a homebody and absolutely hates to travel. Aren’t you glad to find this out early on rather than stumble on this information five months from now?

At the very least, using the “casual conversation with powerful intentions” strategy can save you time. At the very best, this strategy can help you find the love of your life.

Jeff Herring, MS, LMFT     
www.SecretsofGreatRelationships.com | www.ConsciousDatingAtlanta.com
jeff@jeffherring.com  |  850.580.5333

©2007 Relationship Coaching Institute

Conscious Dating Resources

Free monthy Conscious Dating Tele-seminars

Free monthy Conscious Dating Tele-Clinic

New! Conscious Dating Audio Programs

• Consicous Dating for Boomers: Finding Love After 50
  
• Conscious Dating at a Distance: What to Do When You're Attracted to Someone 1500 Miles Away
  
• Ten Steps for Finding Your Soul Mate in 2007
  
• Conscious Internet Dating: Using Your Computer to Find Your Soul Mate

Visit our website at www.ConsciousDating.org for FREE cutting-edge information and tools for finding the love of your life, including:

" Register for our 5-Day e-Program for Singles, "How To Find Your Life Partner"

" Take our proprietary Relationship Readiness Quiz

" Listen to outstanding audio programs such as "Find the Love of Your Life AND The Life That You Love" and "Conscious Dating for Relationship Success"

" Access our Knowledge Bank for innovative relationship tools, strategies and concepts

" Check out our talented RCI-trained Relationship Coaches at www.ConsciousDating.org/coach

For More Information

ConsciousDating.org, a resource for singles offered by Relationship Coaching Institute, is a worldwide relationship coaching organization dedicated to helping you 'find the love of your life AND the life that you love'. For more information about us, please visit our web site at www.consciousdating.org
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Tired of being alone? Get a Relationship Coach! Check out our coaches at: www.ConsciousDating.org/coach
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NEW RELATIONSHIP? Congratulations in moving forward in your life partner quest! WHAT NOW?

Visit www.ConsciousMating.org for cutting-edge information and resources for couples. You will be glad you did! Please share this with new couples that you care about.
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Are you a coach or other helping professional who works with singles and couples? If you want to know more about adding the Conscious Dating Relationship Coaching tools to your professional toolbox, visit relationshipcoachinginstitute.com
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Please share this newsletter with your single friends, family, and co-workers, and you can be a partner in their success, too!

Links to Us

Contact

Tara Alexandra Kachaturoff | Editor, Conscious Dating Newsletter for Singles tara@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com
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Visit our website for singles at www.ConsciousDating.org

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Copyright 2007 by ConsciousDating.org. All rights reserved. Feel free to share this with others as long as our contact information and authorship is included.
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