This newsletter is designed especially for YOU if:
- You have met someone and are wondering if s/he is the "Love of Your
- You are about to get married and want to co-create a fulfilling life
- You have a good relationship and want to make it great
Conscious Mating Audio Programs
When you're dating someone do you ever wonder-
"Is this the right relationship for me?"
Our Conscious Mating Audio Programs provide detailed, comprehensive strategies
for dating and mating, addressing all the relationship and decision-making
challenges that arise when you're in the pre-commitment stage of a relationship.
These audio programs are recorded from our live tele-seminars and include
the MP3 audio file for playing on your computer, MP3 player (iPod or other),
or burning onto a CD, AND a complete PDF transcript for following along
and making notes.
Program #1- Is This the Right Relationship for Me? Introduction to the
Program #2- Am I Ready to Be a Couple?
Program #3- Finding Lasting Love by Experiencing Your Experience
Program #4- Should We Live Together?
Program #5- Dealing With Our Baggage
Program #6- Are We Compatible?
Program #7- Sharing Our Vision
Program #8- Deciding "Is This The One?"
Program #9- When We Must Say Goodbye
Check them out at www.ConsciousMatingAudio.com
Ask Our Coaches:
Is there life after an affair?
"...I’ve forgiven her, but I no longer feel the same
way about her or our marriage. I want to love and trust my wife again.
I just don’t know how."
This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions
to Tara@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com who
will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll
publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.
My wife and I have been married for 15 years. Last year, she revealed
to me that she was having an affair with her boss – it had gone on
for 5 months. She called it off and has since left the company.
We’ve worked hard to keep our marriage together – for the
sake of our children and for us. I’ve forgiven her, but I no longer
feel the same way about her or our marriage. How do you build trust after
something like this? How can you move on to enjoy the relationship once
again? I can’t imagine living the rest of my life feeling as I do – very
neutral about everything.
I want to love and trust my wife again. I just don’t know how. Up
until now, divorce hasn’t been an option, but now I’m thinking
it might be the best way for me to move on so I can find happiness and
fulfillment once again. Where do I go from here?
Michael from Mill Valley
Lori responds …
I admire your desire to work through this affair with your wife. Here
is what I do know; it will be hard, it will be painful, and you won’t
have the same marriage ever again. However, couples who do work through
these issues, in a real and honest way, usually have a better, more fulfilling
marriage. If you are honest and think about it, you don’t want
back what you had because that is what originally led to the affair.
You will never be able to “control” her to ensure this never
happens again. That’s hard for some people to let go of. Ask yourself
if that is your goal. A better option is for you to look at your
part in the break-down of the marriage. Have you forgiven yourself? If
both of you are willing to take responsibility for your own part in this,
and release the need to be a victim, then yes, you can work through it
and have a better relationship.
I suggest working with a well-respected marriage therapist and getting
individual coaching support along the way. Be willing to work hard and
no matter what happens, you will always be able to say you did the best
you can. Integrity like that goes a long way.
Lori Rubenstein, JD, CPC | email@example.com |
Peter responds …
Is there life after an affair? It depends. It depends on the depth to
which one feels wounded or betrayed or abandoned. The thread running through
each of these feelings is trust. Usually, affairs erode trust and often
trust, once lost, is very difficult, but not impossible, to regain.
The question is whether you and your partner are willing to do the challenging
and difficult work, with a coach, counselor or therapist, to restore trust
in your relationship ... or to walk away. The future health of this relationship
also depends on the degree of emotional investment you both contributed,
consciously, to your relationship over the past 15 years. The greater the
investment, the better the possibility of sustaining the relationship.
A more important question is whether you picked up on the clues that infidelity
might become a possibility -- clues such as unhappiness, emotional distance,
anger, aggression, etc. In other words, infidelity was a result of a deep
and dividing issue that permeated your relationship which indicated that
needs were not being met.
Some folks do recover from infidelity, but the process can be long
and arduous. With the support of a relationship coach, counselor or therapist,
and with open and honest communication, you'll see whether that road is
worth traveling with your partner. It's not about the infidelity alone;
it's about the root causes that led up to it that need to be explored.
I wish you well on your journey.
Peter Vajda | firstname.lastname@example.org |
Don responds …
First, be comforted by the fact that your feelings are very typical. In
the midst of your pain, for the benefit of your children, and to give your
marriage a chance, you have made the right decision to forgive. But,
be sure you recognize the true meaning of forgiveness.
It simply means, "I will no longer hold this painful experience
against you." It doesn't mean, "What you did was OK,"
or "I wasn't really hurt that bad by it."
If either of these were true, there would be no need for forgiveness.
Forgiveness also doesn't mean that you are instantly reconciled or
that trust is restored. These take time, patience, hard work and
Since you have been together for 15 years, you and your wife have built
a sizeable trust account -- much like a bank account is built up with periodic
deposits. Your wife's affair has drained your trust account and thus the
feeling of insecurity for you. Unfortunately, she probably won't be able
to make a one-time trust deposit that will fully restore the account. Just
don't close the account too soon! You may find that the growth and
learning from this experience may allow you to build a stronger trust than
you have ever known before.
I firmly believe that out of every negative experience in life a golden
nugget of growth is available. Just take the time to reach in and
find it and give it time to help both of your rebuild the relationship.
Best of luck as you seek to do the right thing.
Don Bailey | email@example.com |
Annette responds …
What I hear you say is that you want your marriage to survive, but now,
though you have forgiven your wife, you feel "neutral", or perhaps,
Over time you may have experienced, and may continue to experience, a
palette of other emotions such as sadness, grief, betrayal, and perhaps
hope and longing. Your wife, also, is likely experiencing her own panoply
of emotions including guilt. Yet it sounds like your worlds have become
increasingly isolated -- neither there for the other's experience.
You might use this as a crossroads to not only heal but to re-invent your
marriage. Having a vision of the kind of marriage you would like to have
could be a more empowering force than using your current neutral or numb
feelings as your barometer.
I suggest Anne Bercht's book, My
Husband's Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me You
might also check out www.BeyondAffairs.com or take Anne and Brian's workshop.
Afterwards, as a couple, you might consider working with a coach or therapist
to keep healing and keep moving toward a joint vision for your marriage
and family life. Your children will learn a powerful lesson watching
you both heal and thrive.
Annette Carpien | firstname.lastname@example.org
Susan responds …
How very courageous to share this painful experience. I encourage you
to look at the relationship prior to the affair. From my perspective, affairs
often happen when relationships are already out of balance. I also recommend
delving into your own perception of yourself and the experiences you have
had in your early life around betrayal and trust.
Affairs can bring up old feelings of inadequacy for both partners. The
partner who has the affair looks to escape his/her old pain or sense of
inadequacy, while the other partner often experiences the betrayal and
inadequacy in response to the affair. If you are asking yourself
“why did this happen to me?” I would encourage the perspective
“why did this happen for me?”
I feel these circumstances happen to bring up old feelings to be healed
and to steer us in a better direction. It sounds like even though you feel
you have forgiven your wife, that there are more layers to uncover here.
Looking at how you can trust yourself more is another helpful place to
explore. I highly recommend relationship coaching to examine the dynamics
that had the relationship out of balance and to help create a new direction.
Susan Ortolano, MA |email@example.com |
By Lisa Fredette
“When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to
that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than
steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.” ~~Catherine
Are you able to forgive others for their infractions against you? Are you
able to forgive yourself for past mistakes? Do you find it easier to
forgive others than to forgive yourself?
Maybe your inability to forgive yourself and others is because of your
definition of forgiveness. What definition do you use for forgiveness?
Is it the belief that by forgiving someone you let them off the hook? Do
you believe that to forgive is saying that what happened was okay? If that
is the case, no wonder you are having such a hard time forgiving.
Let’s take a look at a different definition of forgiveness. Forgiveness
is accepting the fact that you cannot change the past. Isn’t it easier
to find forgiveness now? Another way to look at forgiveness is through
the concept of control.
If you are unable to forgive others, then you are harboring feelings of
bitterness, anger and guilt, which affect how you experience each day.
These feelings cloud how you deal with others and experience life. As a
result, the person you are unable to forgive is controlling your life.
Wouldn’t you rather take back your control? Wouldn’t you rather
experience the beauty of each day? Take the first step and begin to forgive
those who have hurt you, including yourself.
I know it’s easier to talk about forgiveness than to do it. To help
you get started, let’s take a look at the different stages of forgiveness.
In most cases there are four stages to the forgiveness process:
Stage 1: denial
Stage 2: anger
Stage 3: acceptance
Stage 4: compassion
Stage 1: Denial
Denial is similar to blowing the issue off. When you are in denial, you
are quick to forgive and move on. However, the truth is that you never
truly moved past what happened and you are just pretending it didn’t
happen. That may work for a while, but sooner or later the unresolved issue
will show up again.
One way it might show up is through anger. You may begin to experience
inappropriate levels of anger and anger in unrelated areas of your life
for no apparent reason. The reason is the unforgiving issue -- you just
haven’t realized it yet. The key to getting through this stage is
awareness; listen to your language and behavior and see if it is justified
or if it is rooted in un-forgiveness.
Stage 2: Anger
Anger is the next step. This is where many of us stay stuck. This is when
un-forgiveness becomes an excuse to live in mediocrity. This is the stage
when you hear a lot of “I would be happy only if this hadn’t
happened,” or “I cannot succeed because such and such happened.”
If you don’t work through this stage of forgiveness you begin to
spiral into self-pity, which turns into “why me” and
“life is so unfair.” Venting your anger is key to getting through
this stage. Some healthy ways of releasing your anger include anger letters,
venting partners and a physical outlet.
Stage 3: Acceptance
If you are able to move past the denial and the anger, you will begin to
accept what happened. Realize that whatever it was that went wrong is reality,
and no matter how hard you try to “wish” it away, it still
is. When you are able to accept, you stop blaming and start taking back
control over your life. You are more than halfway to forgiveness at this
Stage 4: Compassion
The final stage is compassion. This is the hardest stage to get to and
many are unable or unwilling to complete this stage. Getting to this stage
is a truly freeing experience and everyone should strive for it; it is
worth all the pain to get to this point.
Compassion is the ability to see the event from the other person’s
perspective. You are basically able to put yourself in their shoes and
see where that person was at the time of the event. Being able to get to
this stage is empowering and you are finally able to take back total control
over your life.
Make an effort to get here -- you will be glad you did. A tool that you
can use for finding compassion for you or for others is by writing thank
you letters. This allows you to see the good in the experience and gain
insight into what you learned and gained from the event. I am a strong
believer that you can grow and learn from any experience even if it is
a bad one.
Make the commitment today to begin to find forgiveness in your life. Take
the first step by making a list of all of those people you are unwilling
to forgive and begin working through the forgiveness process. Before you
know it, you will be taking back the control of your life. If you want
additional support in finding ways to forgive those in your life who have
wounded you, I encourage you to hire a coach.
A. Fredette | CTA Certified Life Coach
www.lisafredette.com | firstname.lastname@example.org
© 2007 Relationship Coaching Institute– All rights reserved.
Double Your Romance
with One-Way Dates
by David Steele,
Founder and CEO, Relationship Coaching Institute
Over time, couples can easily develop routines that become ruts and it
seems like romance goes out the window.
Does this sound familiar?
Partner #1: “What do you want to do?”
Partner #2: “I don’t know. What do YOU want to do?”
Then they end up doing pretty much the same thing they have done before.
Couples can also fall into “compromise ruts,” where each gives
up what they really want to do in order to find something they can both
agree upon. For example, in choosing movies, he might love action-adventure,
she might love drama, and they might routinely compromise on comedies.
After awhile, this might get old! (True story -- happened to me!)
What’s the alternative? How can couples keep their romance fresh
Try rotating the following four ONE-WAY DATES:
TYPE 1: Partner #1 creates a romantic experience for partner #2
The purpose of this date is to give a gift and please partner #2 one hundred
percent. This doesn’t have to cost anything, and doesn’t even
require going anywhere, as long as the time and activities are creatively
focused on what would please partner #2.
TYPE 2: Switch; partner #2 creates a romantic experience for partner
TYPE 3: Partner #1 creates a self-centered romantic experience
The purpose of this date is for partner #1 to please themselves 100%,
to have romance exactly the way they want, sharing the experience with
partner #2 in the way they wish, but not worrying about partner #2’s
experience at all.
TYPE 4: Switch; partner #2 creates a self-centered romantic experience
To work, this requires planning and coordination. I suggest couples plan
their dates and one-way types on a calendar a year in advance. This may
sacrifice the spontaneity that some prefer but often can’t sustain,
for intentionality that can continue to create romantic closeness and excitement
for decades to come.
I have found that trying to reach agreement on everything can hinder creativity
and dilute the possibilities. Using these One-Way Dates allows for each
partner to freely and creatively choose activities that would truly please
themselves or their partner, without eliminating exciting choices trying
to please both.
© 2007 Relationship Coaching Institute– All rights reserved.
Steele, MA, LMFT is founder of Relationship Coaching Institute
and author of "The Communication Map: A One-Page Communication System
for All Relationships. For more information about The Communication Map
For More Information
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Visit our web site at www.PartnersInLife.org for
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NEW RELATIONSHIP? Congratulations in moving forward in
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You will be glad you did!
***Please share this with new couples that you care about.
Links to Us
Tara Kachaturoff | Editor, PartnersInLife.org Couples News Tara@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com
Visit our website for couples at www.PartnersInLife.org and
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