This newsletter is designed especially for YOU if:
- You have met someone and are wondering if s/he is the "Love of Your
- You are about to get married and want to co-create a fulfilling
- You have a good relationship and want to make it great
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Each month we strive to bring you the best relationship
information from top experts F`REE to our subscribers!
Thursday, June 14, 5:30pm pacific/8:30pm eastern
The Chemistry of Love
We are excited to feature pioneering anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher
who will share her as-yet-unpublished research (unless you count the
June issue of Oprah Magazine) proposing Four Love Types,
the neuro-chemicals that determine each type, and the role of these
four types in relationship compatibility.
In this program you will learn:
- Four love types found in all romantic relationships
- The role of neuro-chemicals in determining each type
- Compatibility strengths and weaknesses of each type
- How to determine your Love Type
- Which types you're compatible with and how to spot them
No need to register! To access this seminar use this link-
As a subscriber you will receive reminders a few days prior and the
day of the seminar.
Can't attend? No problem. The recordings of all our programs are available
f`ree at www.consciousrelationshippodcast.com
Ask Our Coaches:
How Do I Reconnect with my Husband?
. . . How do I go about reconnecting with him, feeling passionate
again, and salvaging our marriage?
This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your
questions to Linda@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each
issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.
My husband and I have been married for 2 years. Due to a variety of
circumstances (pregnancy, stress, misunderstandings, depression, etc.)
I haven't had much libido in quite a while. My husband has talked to
me many times about feeling neglected, not just sexually, but in general.
I’ve let this go for so long that now he is angry and resentful.
When I do make attempts, he doesn't believe them to be genuine; he thinks
I’m just trying to appease him. How do I go about reconnecting
with him, feeling passionate again, and salvaging our marriage?
Carol in Columbus
Ken responds …
First, as to libido and your sexual relationship with your
husband, unless you and your husband are really able to speak candidly
to one another about your feelings and desires related to your sexual
relationship, I strongly urge you to seek out a first rate sex therapist--someone
who can provide you both practical and therapeutic advice.
Second, the neglect your husband feels may suggest a critical dynamic
in your marriage. I suggest two things. First, each day each of you
should take a moment to express appreciation to one another for something
the other did or some quality you value in your spouse. Tell your spouse
how that trait or act makes you feel. Then your spouse should mirror
what he heard. Then reverse.
Ken Sprang | email@example.com | 301.907.3377, ext. 3
Sandra responds ….
It sounds to me as though you are really over-loaded—and
you could well be dealing with post-partum depression. Your first step
should be to see your doctor; if there are any underlying physical causes
for your symptoms, they should be treated.
Your next step should be to start couples coaching—or perhaps
therapy—to explore the underlying emotional causes. Any physical
issues are yours to address, with your doctor’s help, but any
emotional issues are for both of you to address; your husband has as
much responsibility in this matter as you do.
If your husband won’t attend coaching or therapy with you, go
alone, and part of your work needs to focus on your depression (particularly
if your doctor doesn’t find physical issues that can be dealt
with using medications). You need all the support you can get during
this trying time. My best to you!
Sandra Rohr, M.A. | Your Personal Love Coach
Confusing Infatuation with True Love
by Linda Marshall, M. Div.
. . . Infatuation is not love, and it’s ebbing is not an
indicator of the quality of the relationship.
In her book, The
Truth About Love,
Pat Love speaks about the deepest regret of her life -- divorcing a
thoroughly decent, loving man and the father of her two children. When
her sexual desire dropped out of sight after the birth of their first
child, they believed they had fallen out of love and eventually divorced.
She devoted her personal and professional life to understanding how
this happened and to prevent it from happening again to herself and
others. What she knows today is that if they had understood the true
nature of love and the stages it goes through, and if they had understood
the normality of what they were experiencing after the birth of a child,
they wouldn’t have had to move to the anger, resentment, and hopelessness
that eventually ended their marriage. In fact, most of the serious problems
experienced in relationships are related quite simply to misunderstandings.
It is a fairly recent phenomenon that we have had the choice to marry
who we desire. Along with that choice came the expectation that the
sexual and emotional passion we felt for each other in the early stage
of the relationship would last forever. Images in movies and love songs
led to a belief that marriage meant that all our needs would be met
at last and we would live together eternally in a sea of bliss. Add
to that the stigma of admitting that something is amiss, most people
suffer in silence. They are too embarrassed to talk about what is really
going on. So, we all believe that everyone else is just fine. It’s
just us. Something is wrong with us. With all of these misconceptions,
is it any wonder that the divorce rate is so high and the number of
people willing to risk entering into marriage is dwindling significantly?
Libido After the Birth of a Child
One of the truths that Carol (Ask the Coach question above) and her
husband are experiencing is that it is normal for a woman to experience
a change in her libido after the birth of a child. Her body chemistry
changes so that she will focus her attention on the survival of the
baby and not conceive another child too soon. It does not mean that
she loves her husband any less.
And it makes perfect sense that if he doesn’t understand nature’s
way of ensuring the survival of the species, he will think she doesn’t
love him anymore. And it makes perfect sense that in the midst of caring
for a new baby and dealing with her husband’s hurt feelings and
resentments, she, too, would begin to doubt her love for him.
Love: A Process of Ebb and Flow
Love, just as life, tends to be a process of ebbing and flowing. There
will be highs and there will be lows. When we are experiencing a flowing
high, we have a tendency to think that we are doing something right,
we’ve figured out how life works, we’re doing it right,
and things will flow effortlessly from here on out. The infatuation
we experience in the first stage of a relationship is an example of
this. We can become pretty smug about our success in handling life well.
And then, when an ebbing low appears, we can be caught off guard. We
may think that we’ve lost our touch and something is wrong with
us or this wouldn’t be happening. We may blame ourselves or others
and we can be thrown into a tailspin of fear and disappointment. However,
this doesn’t mean that life won’t flow ever again. Sometimes
it takes the wisdom of age and experience to understand this and to
appreciate the gifts inherent in the ebbing as well as in the flowing.
When the passion of infatuation in the first stage ebbs, it is not an
indication that love is ebbing. Instead, it is an indication that love
is entering another stage. That is certainly true after the birth of
a child. It is an enormous change in the couple’s life when a
baby makes its dramatic entrance. Each partner is defining their daunting
new roles as parents. They must learn to protect their own privacy and
adult lives so they aren’t consumed by their child’s needs.
And given the change in a woman’s body chemistry, extra sensitivity
to navigating this new stage in their relationship is impossible if
it is not understood.
Dr. Love calls the second stage “post-rapture.” Many couples
think it means they are not “in love” anymore. The ebbing
of infatuation is normal and tends to be a gradual process even before
the birth of a child. It is just more dramatically experienced after
the birth of a child. Couples set themselves up for disappointment if
they expect infatuation to last forever.
Infatuation is not love, and it’s ebbing is not an indicator
of the quality of the relationship. What Dr. Love wishes she had known
after the birth of her first child is that when infatuation ends, true
love begins. Keeping the chemistry alive in the relationship requires
work. That’s when your working partnership, what true love is
all about, actually begins. In her book, The Truth About Love, she includes
nine tips for a lagging libido. The rest of her book is all about moving
from infatuation to the sheer joy and delight of conscious committed
Linda A. Marshall, M.Div.
RCI Director of Couple’s Programs & Training
© 2007 Relationship Coaching Institute– All rights reserved.
The Journey to Mature Love
by Linda Marshall, M. Div.
Pre-requisite to Avoid Getting Stuck in Any Stage:
Have high enough self-worth to have successfully separated emotionally
from your family of origin and become your own person.
Stage #1: Infatuation or Romantic Love
Infatuation is about focusing your attention on the one person who
gives you a feeling of being “in love.” It may feel unique
to you, but it is a universal phenomenon. There is behavior common
to us all in this stage—heightened energy and needing less sleep,
spending less time with others so you can focus solely on each other,
giving up some of what you want to please the other. These behaviors
are being orchestrated by changes in your brain chemistry. It is the
glue that bonds you together. Its purpose is to create a bond so strong
that you will be able to weather the ebbs and flows of life and love.
Stage #2: Post-Rapture or The Power Struggle
Your brain can only maintain this “revved-up, lust-crazed state”
for so long. You will only forgo your own wants to please another
for so long. Infatuation is meant to end. And when it does, you have
the opportunity to begin creating a working partnership. Gathering
lots of information is important. Understanding what is going on will
help you successfully navigate this, the most difficult stage.
In infatuation, you focus on your similarities. In this stage your
differences are glaring. You need to learn how to express your differences
and angry feelings in an atmosphere of safety. It is essential to
be able to own the part you play in any conflict. If you have gathered
enough information to understand what this stage is all about, you
will be able to build togetherness and intimacy with each other while
still being your own person.
This prepares you to experience a love even deeper than you could
have imagined in the first stage. The best is yet to come.
Many couples need help at this stage to learn how to create the safety
needed to manage their differences successfully. Relationship coaching
is particularly valuable in this part of the journey.
Stage #3: Connection or Emotional Intimacy
If you do the exciting work of discovery and become conscious of
what is happening in the post-rapture/power struggle stage and beyond,
you will eventually just enjoy being together, sharing fun, interests,
and friends. You will have learned how to keep things in perspective
with a sense of humor. Dr. Love outlines five aspects of connection
that culminate in the next stage.
Stage #4: Conscious Committed Love or Mature Love
In this I-Thou stage of your relationship, you will experience an
automatic, spontaneous flow of positive energy between your “I”
and “We.” While you continue to provide nurturing and
comfort to each other, offering encouragement and support, you will
also keep alive the chemistry that bonds you while you at the same
time face the sober realities of the changes that have occurred over
time in your life together. You will be enjoying the blessings of
a consciously committed love relationship.
Truth About Love by Pat Love, Ed.D.
the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D.
The Good Marriage by Judith Wallerstein
Linda A. Marshall, M.Div.
RCI Director of Couple’s Programs & Training
© 2007 Relationship Coaching Institute– All rights reserved.
We must resemble each other a little in order to understand each
other, but we must be a little different to love each other.
-- Paul Geraldy
Become a possibilitarian. No matter how dark things seem to be or
actually are, raise your sights and see possibilities -- always see
them, for they're always there.
-- Dr. Norman Vincent Peale
When coasting in our comfort zones, we don't grow. We continue to
do more of the same.... Maintaining a comfort zone can, paradoxically,
lead to discomfort in the long run. If by being comfortable we avoid
important life issues, internal tension accumulates.... Eventually,
as both internal and external pressures for change persist, the ‘comfort
zone’ ceases to serve us.
-- Eric Allenbaugh
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Coaching Institute, a worldwide relationship coaching organization dedicated
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love'; to helping new couples 'make a wise choice in a life partner';
and to helping any couple 'fine tune and keep their relationship healthy
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NEW RELATIONSHIP? Congratulations
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***Please share this with new couples that you care about.
Linda Marshall, M.Div. | Director of Couples Programs Linda@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com
Tara Kachaturoff | Editor, PartnersInLife.org Couples News Tara@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com
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