June 2007

In this issue:

F`ree to our subscribers!

Conscious Relationship
Tele-Seminar Series
www.ConsciousRelationshipSeminars.com

Conscious Mating
Tele-Seminar Series
www.ConsciousMatingSeminars.com

Conscious Relationship Podcast
www.ConsciousRelationshipPodcast.com

Conscious Relationship Article Bank
www.ConsciousRelationshipArticles.com

David Steele
Founder and CEO,
Relationship Coaching Institute

Frankie Doiron, President
Relationship Coaching Network

Linda Marshall
Director | Couples Programs
Email

Tara Alexandra Kachaturoff
Editor | Partners in Life Couples News
Email

Copyright 2007 by PartnersInLife.org All rights reserved.

Now Available!

Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life in Today's World

Order a copy today for your single friends and family members at www.ConsciousDating.com

A One-Page Communication System for All Relationships!

Practical, effective, and affordable conflict resolution tool for personal and professional relationships

www.TheCommunicationMap.com

Welcome!
This newsletter is designed especially for YOU if:

• You have met someone and are wondering if s/he is the "Love of Your Life"
• You are about to get married and want to co-create a fulfilling life partnership
• You have a good relationship and want to make it great

New and Improved
Communication Map
Now Available!

Simple and easy to understand

Learn and implement in less than an hour

Universal- works for all relationships and settings- work, home, business, family, parenting, couples, etc

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Designed to quickly and effectively address interpersonal issues and problems to prevent and resolve conflict, The Communication Map can be learned by anyone in less than an hour.

The Communication Map is 8 1/2 x 11 inches, full-color, laminated for durability, and comes with a 44-minute audio CD tutorial.

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Discounts for multiple copies / F`ree shipping!

For more information about The Communication Map visit www.thecommunicationmap.com

Conscious Relationship
Seminar Series

Each month we strive to bring you the best relationship information from top experts F`REE to our subscribers!

June Program
Thursday, June 14, 5:30pm pacific/8:30pm eastern

The Chemistry of Love

With Helen Fisher, Ph.D.

We are excited to feature pioneering anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher who will share her as-yet-unpublished research (unless you count the June issue of Oprah Magazine) proposing Four Love Types, the neuro-chemicals that determine each type, and the role of these four types in relationship compatibility.

In this program you will learn:

• Four love types found in all romantic relationships
• The role of neuro-chemicals in determining each type
• Compatibility strengths and weaknesses of each type
• How to determine your Love Type
• Which types you're compatible with and how to spot them

No need to register! To access this seminar use this link-
www.ConsciousRelationshipSeminar.com

As a subscriber you will receive reminders a few days prior and the day of the seminar.

Can't attend? No problem. The recordings of all our programs are available f`ree at www.consciousrelationshippodcast.com

Ask Our Coaches:
 How Do I Reconnect with my Husband?

. . . How do I go about reconnecting with him, feeling passionate again, and salvaging our marriage?

This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to Linda@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.

Dear Coaches,

My husband and I have been married for 2 years. Due to a variety of circumstances (pregnancy, stress, misunderstandings, depression, etc.) I haven't had much libido in quite a while. My husband has talked to me many times about feeling neglected, not just sexually, but in general. I’ve let this go for so long that now he is angry and resentful. When I do make attempts, he doesn't believe them to be genuine; he thinks I’m just trying to appease him. How do I go about reconnecting with him, feeling passionate again, and salvaging our marriage?

Carol in Columbus

First, as to libido and your sexual relationship with your husband, unless you and your husband are really able to speak candidly to one another about your feelings and desires related to your sexual relationship, I strongly urge you to seek out a first rate sex therapist--someone who can provide you both practical and therapeutic advice.

Second, the neglect your husband feels may suggest a critical dynamic in your marriage. I suggest two things. First, each day each of you should take a moment to express appreciation to one another for something the other did or some quality you value in your spouse. Tell your spouse how that trait or act makes you feel. Then your spouse should mirror what he heard. Then reverse.

Good luck.

Ken Sprang | ksprang@piw-dc.com | 301.907.3377, ext. 3

It sounds to me as though you are really over-loaded—and you could well be dealing with post-partum depression. Your first step should be to see your doctor; if there are any underlying physical causes for your symptoms, they should be treated.

Your next step should be to start couples coaching—or perhaps therapy—to explore the underlying emotional causes. Any physical issues are yours to address, with your doctor’s help, but any emotional issues are for both of you to address; your husband has as much responsibility in this matter as you do.

If your husband won’t attend coaching or therapy with you, go alone, and part of your work needs to focus on your depression (particularly if your doctor doesn’t find physical issues that can be dealt with using medications). You need all the support you can get during this trying time. My best to you!

Sandra Rohr, M.A. | Your Personal Love Coach
www.yourpersonallovecoach.com
sandy@yourpersonallovecoach.com
714.774.8540

Feature Article:
Confusing Infatuation with True Love

by Linda Marshall, M. Div.

. . . Infatuation is not love, and it’s ebbing is not an indicator of the quality of the relationship.

In her book, The Truth About Love, Pat Love speaks about the deepest regret of her life -- divorcing a thoroughly decent, loving man and the father of her two children. When her sexual desire dropped out of sight after the birth of their first child, they believed they had fallen out of love and eventually divorced.

She devoted her personal and professional life to understanding how this happened and to prevent it from happening again to herself and others. What she knows today is that if they had understood the true nature of love and the stages it goes through, and if they had understood the normality of what they were experiencing after the birth of a child, they wouldn’t have had to move to the anger, resentment, and hopelessness that eventually ended their marriage. In fact, most of the serious problems experienced in relationships are related quite simply to misunderstandings.

It is a fairly recent phenomenon that we have had the choice to marry who we desire. Along with that choice came the expectation that the sexual and emotional passion we felt for each other in the early stage of the relationship would last forever. Images in movies and love songs led to a belief that marriage meant that all our needs would be met at last and we would live together eternally in a sea of bliss. Add to that the stigma of admitting that something is amiss, most people suffer in silence. They are too embarrassed to talk about what is really going on. So, we all believe that everyone else is just fine. It’s just us. Something is wrong with us. With all of these misconceptions, is it any wonder that the divorce rate is so high and the number of people willing to risk entering into marriage is dwindling significantly?

Libido After the Birth of a Child

One of the truths that Carol (Ask the Coach question above) and her husband are experiencing is that it is normal for a woman to experience a change in her libido after the birth of a child. Her body chemistry changes so that she will focus her attention on the survival of the baby and not conceive another child too soon. It does not mean that she loves her husband any less.

And it makes perfect sense that if he doesn’t understand nature’s way of ensuring the survival of the species, he will think she doesn’t love him anymore. And it makes perfect sense that in the midst of caring for a new baby and dealing with her husband’s hurt feelings and resentments, she, too, would begin to doubt her love for him.

Love: A Process of Ebb and Flow

Love, just as life, tends to be a process of ebbing and flowing. There will be highs and there will be lows. When we are experiencing a flowing high, we have a tendency to think that we are doing something right, we’ve figured out how life works, we’re doing it right, and things will flow effortlessly from here on out. The infatuation we experience in the first stage of a relationship is an example of this. We can become pretty smug about our success in handling life well.

And then, when an ebbing low appears, we can be caught off guard. We may think that we’ve lost our touch and something is wrong with us or this wouldn’t be happening. We may blame ourselves or others and we can be thrown into a tailspin of fear and disappointment. However, this doesn’t mean that life won’t flow ever again. Sometimes it takes the wisdom of age and experience to understand this and to appreciate the gifts inherent in the ebbing as well as in the flowing.

When the passion of infatuation in the first stage ebbs, it is not an indication that love is ebbing. Instead, it is an indication that love is entering another stage. That is certainly true after the birth of a child. It is an enormous change in the couple’s life when a baby makes its dramatic entrance. Each partner is defining their daunting new roles as parents. They must learn to protect their own privacy and adult lives so they aren’t consumed by their child’s needs. And given the change in a woman’s body chemistry, extra sensitivity to navigating this new stage in their relationship is impossible if it is not understood.

Post Rapture

Dr. Love calls the second stage “post-rapture.” Many couples think it means they are not “in love” anymore. The ebbing of infatuation is normal and tends to be a gradual process even before the birth of a child. It is just more dramatically experienced after the birth of a child. Couples set themselves up for disappointment if they expect infatuation to last forever.

Infatuation is not love, and it’s ebbing is not an indicator of the quality of the relationship. What Dr. Love wishes she had known after the birth of her first child is that when infatuation ends, true love begins. Keeping the chemistry alive in the relationship requires work. That’s when your working partnership, what true love is all about, actually begins. In her book, The Truth About Love, she includes nine tips for a lagging libido. The rest of her book is all about moving from infatuation to the sheer joy and delight of conscious committed love.

Linda A. Marshall, M.Div.
RCI Director of Couple’s Programs & Training
www.radiantrelating.com
937-684-2245

© 2007 Relationship Coaching Institute– All rights reserved.

Bonus Article:
The Journey to Mature Love

by Linda Marshall, M. Div.

Pre-requisite to Avoid Getting Stuck in Any Stage:

Have high enough self-worth to have successfully separated emotionally from your family of origin and become your own person.

Stage #1: Infatuation or Romantic Love

Infatuation is about focusing your attention on the one person who gives you a feeling of being “in love.” It may feel unique to you, but it is a universal phenomenon. There is behavior common to us all in this stage—heightened energy and needing less sleep, spending less time with others so you can focus solely on each other, giving up some of what you want to please the other. These behaviors are being orchestrated by changes in your brain chemistry. It is the glue that bonds you together. Its purpose is to create a bond so strong that you will be able to weather the ebbs and flows of life and love.

Stage #2: Post-Rapture or The Power Struggle

Your brain can only maintain this “revved-up, lust-crazed state” for so long. You will only forgo your own wants to please another for so long. Infatuation is meant to end. And when it does, you have the opportunity to begin creating a working partnership. Gathering lots of information is important. Understanding what is going on will help you successfully navigate this, the most difficult stage.

In infatuation, you focus on your similarities. In this stage your differences are glaring. You need to learn how to express your differences and angry feelings in an atmosphere of safety. It is essential to be able to own the part you play in any conflict. If you have gathered enough information to understand what this stage is all about, you will be able to build togetherness and intimacy with each other while still being your own person.

This prepares you to experience a love even deeper than you could have imagined in the first stage. The best is yet to come.
Many couples need help at this stage to learn how to create the safety needed to manage their differences successfully. Relationship coaching is particularly valuable in this part of the journey.

Stage #3: Connection or Emotional Intimacy

If you do the exciting work of discovery and become conscious of what is happening in the post-rapture/power struggle stage and beyond, you will eventually just enjoy being together, sharing fun, interests, and friends. You will have learned how to keep things in perspective with a sense of humor. Dr. Love outlines five aspects of connection that culminate in the next stage.

Stage #4: Conscious Committed Love or Mature Love

In this I-Thou stage of your relationship, you will experience an automatic, spontaneous flow of positive energy between your “I” and “We.” While you continue to provide nurturing and comfort to each other, offering encouragement and support, you will also keep alive the chemistry that bonds you while you at the same time face the sober realities of the changes that have occurred over time in your life together. You will be enjoying the blessings of a consciously committed love relationship.

Sources:
The Truth About Love by Pat Love, Ed.D.
Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D.
The Good Marriage by Judith Wallerstein

Linda A. Marshall, M.Div.
RCI Director of Couple’s Programs & Training
www.radiantrelating.com
937-684-2245


© 2007 Relationship Coaching Institute– All rights reserved.

Words of Wisdom

We must resemble each other a little in order to understand each other, but we must be a little different to love each other.
-- Paul Geraldy

Become a possibilitarian. No matter how dark things seem to be or actually are, raise your sights and see possibilities -- always see them, for they're always there.
-- Dr. Norman Vincent Peale

When coasting in our comfort zones, we don't grow. We continue to do more of the same.... Maintaining a comfort zone can, paradoxically, lead to discomfort in the long run. If by being comfortable we avoid important life issues, internal tension accumulates.... Eventually, as both internal and external pressures for change persist, the ‘comfort zone’ ceases to serve us.
-- Eric Allenbaugh

For More Information

PartnersinLife.org, is a resource for couples offered by Relationship Coaching Institute, a worldwide relationship coaching organization dedicated to helping singles 'find the love of your life AND the life that you love'; to helping new couples 'make a wise choice in a life partner'; and to helping any couple 'fine tune and keep their relationship healthy and fulfilling.'

Visit our web site at www.PartnersInLife.org for F`ree:

• How to Be Partners for Life e-Program for Couples
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• Want to make sure you are making a wise choice in a life partner?
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Contact

Linda Marshall, M.Div. | Director of Couples Programs Linda@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com

Tara Kachaturoff | Editor, PartnersInLife.org Couples News Tara@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com

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