February 2007
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David Steele
Founder and CEO,
Relationship Coaching Institute
Frankie Doiron, President
Relationship Coaching Network
Linda Marshall
Director | Couples Programs
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Tara Alexandra Kachaturoff
Editor | Partners in Life Couples News
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Copyright 2007 by PartnersInLife.org All rights reserved.
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Welcome!
This newsletter is designed especially for YOU if:
- You have met someone and are wondering if s/he is the "Love of Your Life"
- You are about to get married and want to co-create a fulfilling life partnership
- You have a good relationship and want to make it great!
Announcing:
Conscious Mating
Tele-Seminar Series!
New! Starting this month on the fourth Wednesday of each month we will conduct a free tele-seminar on the pre-commitment stage of relationship.
Committed couples will continue to benefit from our Conscious Relationship Tele-Seminar Series (see below).
February Program
Wednesday, February 28
5:30pm pacific/8:30pm eastern
Conscious Mating:
Am I Ready to Be a Couple?
With David Steele and Linda Marshall
When you're dating, the transition from single to couple can go by so quickly it'll make your head spin. In Conscious Mating we believe this important step is best made with your eyes wide open and with a conscious choice to transition from being single to an exclusive relationship.
How do you know when you're ready to move from “ME” to “WE”?
What are the signs that you are ready for an exclusive relationship?
How can you tell if your love interest is ready for the next step?
How can you transition successfully from being single to being a couple?
In our culture, we tend to skip an important step in our transition from “ME” to “WE”. We jump into commitment pre-maturely and set ourselves up for disappointment and pain down the road.
In this Tele-Seminar you will learn:
- The difference between being ready to find a life partner and being ready to be a couple.
- The signs that indicate readiness to become an exclusive couple.
- What it takes to prepare yourself for lasting love.
No need to register! As a subscriber you will receive a reminder with the telephone bridge number needed to join a few days prior to the seminar.
Can't attend? No problem. The recordings of all our programs are available free at www.ConsciousRelationshipPodcast.com
Conscious Relationship
Tele-Seminar Series
March Program
Thursday, February 8, 5:30pm pacific/8:30pm eastern
With Robert and Jane Alter
After thirty-seven years of marriage and almost that many as therapists and marriage counselors, Robert and Jane Alter have concluded that in many cases men and women are not equally responsible for the problems in marriages.
Their experience suggests that mostly it’s the men who cause the disconnection. The wives always have some work to do on themselves, and sometimes a lot of work, but when it comes to knowing how to really be in relationship, how to have true connection and true intimacy in a marriage, the men are a piece of work.
Jane and Robert have also seen that there are many great men in this world who deep in their hearts want to be great husbands to their wives, and some have gotten off to a great start, but others have no idea, or a bunch of wrong ideas, about how to do that, and need some serious help.
Robert’s book, Good Husband, Great Marriage: Finding the Good Husband…in the Man You Married, and the Alters’ work, which they call the "good husband work," is the help they provide.
In this seminar you will learn:
• The definition of a good husband
• The five big lies men tell themselves to keep from changing
• The one-way street of change a man has to walk down in his marriage before it becomes a two-way street
• What women have to teach men about connection, relationship, and great marriage
• The global implications of the good husband work—how the transformation of men can lead to the transformation of the world
• The wife’s role in helping her husband become a good husband
• The theory of the “relational space,” and how to apply it in couples therapy
• How a therapist can get a guy to do the good husband work
No need to register! As a subscriber you will receive a reminder with the telephone bridge number needed to join a few days prior to the seminar.
Can't attend? No problem. The recordings of all our programs are available free at www.ConsciousRelationshipPodcast.com
Ask Our Coaches:
Will he change? Am I asking too much?
I love him very much, but my physical and emotional needs are not being met. Am I asking for too much or am I being needy? Is it possible for a person to become more open and loving? ...
This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to Linda@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.
Dear Coaches,
I moved in with my boyfriend four months after meeting him. We’ve been together for a year. I'm 39 and he's 37. When I met him I thought he was the one. We were having a blast talking about marriage, kids, and the future. He was so attentive and sweet to me.
I liked so many things about him including the fact he was formerly in a nine year relationship, married for six of them. I thought this meant he could be in a committed relationship and that he understood a woman’s needs, that he could share, communicate, and be loving. I was wrong.
He acts very defensive. He thinks I’m putting him down, and I am not. He has stopped being affectionate and romantic. He gives his dog more attention than he gives me.
Recently, he told me that he and his ex-wife never held hands or were affectionate with each other. That helped me to understand his discomfort about holding hands and being intimate. He also said they used to have sex once a month, if that, and they were mean to each other.
He and I have no problems in the sex department. We just returned from Hawaii for a week vacation and had a great time, except for the romance part of it. Great sex and fun, but no intimacy. He thought it was the most amazing time, and told me I was his best friend.
I love him very much, but my physical and emotional needs are not being met. Am I asking for too much or am I being needy? Is it possible for a person to become more open and loving? Would coaching help?
At this point he’s scared to death of marriage. He does want me to get pregnant, and talks about the future. Please help. I'm so confused.
Diana from Daytona Beach
Susan responds ….
Four months isn’t sufficient time to learn the needs, wants, requirements, and issues of one another, to know whether or not moving in together is the next step. Living together changes the dynamic. In this new phase of commitment, you are called to connect more intimately as issues come up. Old feelings and patterns emerge which need healing.
I would highly recommend relationship coaching to create a safe space to work through and support each other. It is possible to have a partnership where healing the past creates even deeper love and intimacy. Coaching is definitely a choice that could help you decide how best to move forward in a way that honors both of you.
You might consider coaching for yourself so you could identify your requirements, needs, and wants, as well as work to change your own relationship-defeating patterns. Your needs are always valid and the distinction between needs and neediness can certainly be answered through the coaching process.
Susan Ortolano, M.A. | www.radiantpathways.com
susan@radiantpathways.com | 818.232.3186
Frances responds ….
Have you created your list of requirements -- what you MUST or MUST NOT have for a relationship to work for you? Sounds like touch and affection are important to you and not so important to your boyfriend. He is unlikely to change unless he truly understands how important it is for you. Can you imagine several years without affection or touch except during sex? How does that feel? How often would you want sex under those conditions?
I would recommend relationship coaching to get clear about what commitment means to each of you and to explore the issues you both face. If he’s not willing to do this, it may mean that he’s not willing to put in the effort required to make a relationship work. Please don’t have a child without working through these very important issues together, unless you have plans for single motherhood.
Frances Amaroux | www.turning-point.com.au frances@turning-point.com.au
Ph (61) 2 9810 1485 Australia
Nan responds …
Have you communicated your requirements, needs, and wants to your boyfriend? There’s a huge difference between his being woefully unaware of these and his deliberate choice to ignore them for his own benefit. Unless he is willing to find help in learning how to consider and meet your needs, you are doomed to repeat the relationship he had with his ex-wife.
It sounds like you’re his best friend because he gets what he wants (sex) and you are willing to accept his neglect of your needs (affection and intimacy) without any consequence to him. Please do not consider getting pregnant right now. Imagine how awful it would be for your child to have a father who could not/would not demonstrate affection or love.
You are not asking for too much or being needy. Coaching will work for him only if he wants to change. If he refuses, you’ll have a serious choice to make about your future - between resigning yourself to years of insensitivity and pain, or to finding someone else who will happily consider and respond to your emotional and physical needs.
Nan Einarson |
nan@make-it-so.ca | 905.728.5882
Sandra responds …
Wanting your physical and emotional needs to be met is healthy, and getting them met will give you a sense of satisfaction that will positively influence every other aspect of your life!
If he’s willing, he can learn to be affectionate. If he’s inexperienced and clueless, he may be educated and shown how to take baby steps towards the scary/uncomfortable idea of practicing new behaviors. It is possible for the two of you to learn to communicate openly, honestly and with compassion—even lovingly agree to disagree. He may have unmet needs that he doesn’t know how to express.
The two of you can learn how to comfortably ask each other for support in getting your needs met. A relationship coach can help you with all these issues and more. With coaching you can develop a very healthy relationship, and as a byproduct, a happy, loving environment into which your children may be born and raised. What greater gift can parents give to their future children?
Sandra Malbon
L8bloomer@comcast.net | 801.998.8314
Caroline responds …
You might not be aware, but studies have shown that living together reduces the chances of a successful marriage later on. I wonder if your age is affecting your desire to be married and to have a child.
Your whole situation is rife with contradictions. There is no hand holding, and yet there is great sex. The sex is great, but it doesn’t warm your heart. He’s scared to death of marriage, yet talks of having a child.
I believe you are at great odds with your boyfriend. Please consider working with a relationship coach, who can help you to discover your own requirements, needs, and wants, and to guide you in setting your sights on a great life.
Caroline, Countess of Minto FRSA
consultcm@virtualcom.it
Randy responds …
Yes, it's possible for a person to become more open and loving, and coaching can help. A lot depends on the degree of chemistry he feels for you, his innate ability for personal growth, and your ability to handle the situation.
Talking about getting you pregnant and having a future, while being scared of marriage, is double-talk. My advice is to not get pregnant unless you are sure you want a child by yourself. Otherwise, secure the relationship first.
Mixed messages and double-talk are frequently found in individuals who are emotionally immature, which he certainly is, despite his age of 37.
My suggestion is to
1. Assess the degree of chemistry and maturity.
2. Learn more about how relationships and people in relationships work and increase your skills. I’m not talking about the fairy tale stuff. I’m talking about the real stuff.
3. Test the relationship using your new knowledge and skills.
4. Make the decision to stay or leave.
Much of this is discussed in my book, Love Is Not A Game (But You Should Know the Odds) which can be found at www.loveisnotagame.com.
Randy Hurlburt |randy@loveisnotagame.com | 858. 455.0799
Feature Article:
Twenty Reasons to Have Sex When You Don't Feel Like It
by Steven Stosny, Ph.D.
and Patricia Love, Ed.D
Excerpted with permission from their brand new book-
How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It
It's funny how sex factors into the way people describe the state of their relationships. Studies show that, when things are going well, sex contributes only 15 percent to the overall satisfaction of a relationship. But if things aren't going well, it contributes 85 percent to the overall dissatisfaction.
Sex has many advantages to both people involved. Here are just a few.
Twenty Reasons to Have Sex
When You Don’t Feel Like It
- Because you said so
Even though you may not have promised to “love, honor, and have sex once a week” when you made a commitment to your relationship, it was understood that sex would be part of that bargain.
Imagine how the marriage rates would go down if people said, “I’ll marry you, but don’t expect sex.” If you polled one thousand people on the street and asked them, “Is it reasonable to expect to have to have sex when you are married?” the overwhelming majority would say yes. If you expect a monogamous commitment from your partner, then it stands to reason that you will be a cooperative sex partner. - Sex helps you forget
Oxytocin, which triggers orgasm, has an amnesic effect that lasts up to five hours. So for a period of time you forget that he maxed out your Visa card or she was an hour late getting home from work. Women get an additional benefit. During orgasm that parts of the brain that govern fear, anxiety, and stress are switched off. (Faking orgasm gives no such benefit.) - Sex rewires you for pleasure
Every time you share a positive experience with your partner, your brain comes to associate him or her with pleasure. You can transform any relationship simply by increasing the number of enjoyable times you share together. - Sex puts the “P” back in partnership
Passion is what separates your relationship with your intimate partner from those with girlfriends and buddies. Yes, you two are best friends and confidants, but without sex you will not have passion.
The following are from a 1997 study in the British Medical Journal-
- Heightened sense of smell
After sex, production of prolactin surges, causing stem cells in the brain to develop new neurons in the brain’s smell center (olfactory bulb). - Weight loss
Rambunctious sex burns a minimum of two hundred calories, about the same as running fifteen minutes on a treadmill. British researchers determined that the equivalent of six Big Macs can be worked off by having sex three times a week for a year. - Reduced depression
Prostaglandin, a hormone found in semen, modulates female hormones. Orgasm releases endorphins, producing a sense of well-being and euphoria. - Pain relief
During sex, levels of oxytocin surge five times their normal level, releasing endorphins that alleviate pain. Sex also prompts production of estrogen, which reduces the pain of PMS. - Healthier heart
Women who have more sex have higher levels of estrogen, which protects against heart disease. - Cure for the common cold
Once-a-week sex produces 30 percent higher levels of immunoglobulin A, which boosts the immune system. - Better bladder control
Sex strengthens the pelvic muscles that control the flow of urine. - Peppy prostate
Some urologists believe they see a relationship between infrequency of ejaculation in men and cancer in the prostate. In this case solo sex works just as well, but why out on all the other benefits? - Shiny hair, glowing skin
For women, extra estrogen from orgasm makes hair shine. Sweat produced during sex cleanses the pores and makes skin glow. Serotonin produces the after glow of sex. - Calming effect
Sex is ten times more effective than Valium, with no side effects. - Relief for a stuffy nose
Really. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can even help combat hay fever and asthma. - Firmer tummy and butt
Regular sex can firm your tummy and butt, plus improve posture. - Boosts immune system
Endorphins stimulate immune-system cells that fight disease. - Forever young
Sex actually slows down the aging process. It lowers cortisol levels in the bloodstream, which reduces stress and slows down the aging process. - Protection against Alzheimer’s and osteoporosis
Women who have more sex have higher levels of estrogen, which protects against Alzheimer’s and osteoporosis. - Euphoria
Who wouldn’t want more? The best way to get a natural high is sex!
Check out this brand new book! How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It
by Steven Stosny, Ph.D. and Pat Love, Ed.D.
To listen to an outstanding interview with Dr. Steven Stosny visit Conscious Relationship Podcast
© 2007 Relationship Coaching Institute– Excerpted with permission. All rights reserved.
Bonus Article:
A RELATIONSHIP CODE OF HONOR
From Ken Donaldson and his
Partners in Life Program Participants
If you’re in a relationship, this Code of Honor comes highly recommended. If you’re not in a relationship, then do this for yourself, your work, your friendships and future relationships.
A Code of Honor will give you reminders about what is truly important in your life, your relationship, your friendships, your work and in all areas of your life. It will help keep you on the path of your true purpose and mission.
. Live each day to the fullest
. Reach for the stars and search for success daily
. Bring out the best in each other
. Turn towards each other and not away
. Accept what we can't change. Compromise and change what we can in the most nurturing ways
. Be quality listeners
. Be always faithful, always trusting and always respectful
. Keep the "spice of life" alive with variety
. Always grow our love. Don't go to sleep with unresolved anger
. Designate a safe time and place for shared talking and listening
. Go to bed together
. Weekly (at least!) dates
. Acknowledge each other before parting ways. Address issues appropriately and timely
. Agree to resolve "old baggage" and totake on no new baggage
. Stop, pay attention and listen actively
. Treat our relationship as sacred ground, a safe harbor and a security blanket to wear as we sail through life's ups and downs
. Keep all the relationship exits closed. Help to heal each other's wounds from the past
. Remind ourselves everyday how fortunate we are to have found each other and never take each other for granted
. Touch. A lot! Discuss everything
. As much as possible, be positive and avoid negativity with each other
. Everyday, treat each other with kindness, love and caring
Ken Donaldson, M.A., L.M.H.C. Ken@REALationshipCoach.com | 727.394.7325
Words of Wisdom
“When you make a world tolerable for yourself, you make a world tolerable for others.”
~ Anais Nin“When we love someone our love becomes demonstrable or real only through our exertion;through the fact that for that someone;we take an extra step or walk and extra mile. Love is not effortless. To the contrary, love is effortful.”
~ M. Scott Peck
Free Conscious Relationship Resources
Conscious Relationship Resources
www.ConsciousRelationshipResources.com
Tele-Seminar Series
March 8, 2007: Good Husband, Great MarriageApril 13 2007: Pat Love: Creating Love Beyond Words
May 24 2007: Pam Leo: Connection Parenting: Replacing Fear With Love
June 7, 2007: Helen Fisher, Ph.D.: The Chemistry of Lovewww.ConsciousRelationshipSeminars.com
www.ConsciousRelationshipPodcast.com
www.ConsciousRelationshipArticles.com
For More Information
PartnersinLife.org, is a resource for couples offered by Relationship Coaching Institute, a worldwide relationship coaching organization dedicated to helping singles 'find the love of your life AND the life that you love'; to helping new couples 'make a wise choice in a life partner'; and to helping any couple 'fine tune and keep their relationship healthy and fulfilling.'
Visit our web site at www.PartnersInLife.org for Free:
- How to Be Partners for Life e-Program for Couples
- Communication Map™ On-Line Communication Training
- Relationship Knowledge Bank
- And much more!
- Want to make sure you are making a wise choice in a life partner?
- Want to make sure your relationship stays healthy?
- What to give your relationship a fine-tuning?
Get a Relationship Coach!
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NEW RELATIONSHIP? Congratulations in moving forward in your life partner quest! WHAT NOW?
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Links to Us
Contact
Linda Marshall, M.Div. | Director of Couples Programs Linda@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com
Tara Kachaturoff | Editor, PartnersInLife.org Couples News Tara@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com
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