August 2007

In this issue:

Free to our subscribers!

Conscious Relationship
Tele-Seminar Series
www.ConsciousRelationshipSeminars.com

Conscious Mating
Tele-Seminar Series
www.ConsciousMatingSeminars.com

Conscious Relationship Podcast
www.ConsciousRelationshipPodcast.com

Conscious Relationship Article Bank
www.ConsciousRelationshipArticles.com

David Steele
Founder and CEO,
Relationship Coaching Institute

Frankie Doiron, President
Relationship Coaching Network

Linda Marshall
Director | Couples Programs
Email

Tara Alexandra Kachaturoff
Editor | Partners in Life Couples News
Email

Copyright 2007 by PartnersInLife.org All rights reserved.

Now Available!

Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life in Today's World

Order a copy today for your single friends and family members at www.ConsciousDating.com

A One-Page Communication System for All Relationships!

Practical, effective, and affordable conflict resolution tool for personal and professional relationships

www.TheCommunicationMap.com

Welcome!
This newsletter is designed especially for YOU if:

• You have met someone and are wondering if s/he is the "Love of Your Life"
• You are about to get married and want to co-create a fulfilling life partnership
• You have a good relationship and want to make it great

New and Improved
Communication Map
Now Available!

Simple and easy to understand

Learn and implement in less than an hour

Universal- works for all relationships and settings- work, home, business, family, parenting, couples, etc

Tested and proven by hundreds of graduates of Relationship Coaching Institute

Designed to quickly and effectively address interpersonal issues and problems to prevent and resolve conflict, The Communication Map can be learned by anyone in less than an hour.

The Communication Map is 8 1/2 x 11 inches, full-color, laminated for durability, and comes with a 44-minute audio CD tutorial.

View a sample here

       - Easily and intuitively understood

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       - Learn in one hour or less

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Practical, effective, and affordable conflict resolution tool for personal and professional relationships

Discounts for multiple copies / Free shipping!

For more information about The Communication Map visit www.thecommunicationmap.com

Conscious Mating
Tele-Seminar Series

On the fourth Wednesday of each month we conduct a free tele-seminar on the pre-commitment stage of relationship.

Wednesday, August 22, 5:30pm pacific/8:30pm eastern

Conscious Mating:
Deciding "Is This the One?"

With David Steele and Linda Marshall

When singles become pre-committed couples they ask themselves "Is this the right relationship for me? Is this 'The One' for a lifetime commitment?" Fearing relationship failure, many avoid making this decision, and as a result the marriage rate is declining.

Most of us want a fulfilling committed relationship. Our goal in Conscious Mating is to provide you the information and strategies for answering the question "Is this the right relationship for me?"

In this program you will learn:

- How to identify relationship red flags and danger signs

- How to know if you're talking yourself into (or out of) a relationship because of fear

- Our #1 Strategy for determining "Is this 'The One?'"

- Three powerful questions you need to ask yourself before considering commitment

- Nine areas of a relationship to evaluate for decision-making

- How to get off the fence, "Be the Chooser" and live happily ever after with your soul mate

- And more!

No need to register! To access this seminar use this link-
www.ConsciousMatingSeminar.com

As a subscriber you will receive reminders a few days prior and the day of the seminar.

Can't attend? No problem. The recordings of all our programs are available free at www.consciousrelationshippodcast.com

Conscious Relationship
Seminar Series

Each month we strive to bring you the best relationship information from top experts FREE to our subscribers!

Thursday, August 9, 5:30pm pacific/8:30pm eastern

No More Mr. Nice Guy! Getting What You Want in Love, Sex, and Life

With Robert Glover, Ph.D.

- Too concerned about what other people think of you?

- Spend too much time taking care of other people?

- Having a hard time making your intimate relationships work?

- Frustrated with your sex life?

In No More Mr. Nice Guy!, Dr. Robert Glover presents a proven plan to get what you want in love, sex and life. Whether you're single and looking for love or in a relationship that you want to become all it can be, Dr. Glover will help you identify your own self-defeating behaviors and find what you're looking for.

In this program you will learn-

• How to stop seeking approval and make your needs a priority
• How to build healthy, vibrant relationships
• How to tell the truth with love
• How to set the tone and take the lead without being controlling
• Three rules for great sex

No need to register! To access this seminar use this link-
www.ConsciousRelationshipSeminar.com

As a subscriber you will receive reminders a few days prior and the day of the seminar.

Can't attend? No problem. The recordings of all our programs are available free at www.consciousrelationshippodcast.com

Ask Our Coaches:
 What Do I Do About Him?

. . . I am encouraging him to move out, but he is afraid to because he does not know if he can manage on his own...

This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to Linda@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.

Dear Coaches,

First, I want to say I have listened to the Conscious Relationships podcast for several months and I really love and appreciate what you do!

I’ve been in a pre-committed relationship for about one year. We are both adult children of alcoholics. Rick's grandfather was an alcoholic. He is in recovery for alcohol dependence. He has been sober for 2 1/2 years. At age 18, Rick witnessed his father dying of a heart attack. As a result, he has post traumatic stress disorder and has been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.

He has been in therapy and is on medication and these areas are mostly under control. There are problems here and there, but nothing that I can't live with. Rick and I love each other very much.

Rick moved in with his mother so he could get sober and stay sober. He has been doing a good job of dealing with his stress on the job. His mother is a widow, has Crohn's disease, and is past retirement age. He pays her a good sum to help out with her bills and to do his cooking, laundry, and manage his bank accounts. Lately she has not been living up to her part of their agreement and Rick is very upset about this. His attempts to talk with her about this have produced no change on her part.

Sometimes Rick's mom tries to put me in the middle. I have told her, with the support of the family therapist, not to involve me. She says that there is never a good time for her to talk to Rick because he is so busy. He is a very successful musician and teacher. He will make time to spend with his mom, but then she will make a reason not to be there. He is trying to make things better with her.

I have watched this cycle go on for a year. I am encouraging Rick to move out, but he is afraid to because he does not know if he can manage on his own. Do you have any suggestions? What do I do?

Karie

As a relationship coach I would like to ask you to re-read the letter you wrote right now. Notice the words as if you were a friend of the person writing this letter about her relationship.  Where in the letter are her requirements, needs and wants expressed about the loving relationship she desires from her heart?  Do you notice where her focus is?

As I read this letter, I noticed Karie is focused on Rick and how to help Rick and make his life better.  It is as if Karie can’t be felt in this relationship with her own needs being met.
 
An RCI Coach would be an excellent resource to access in identifying how to be an observer of your situation.  Being an observer of your relationship, with your requirements, needs and wants in mind, is a way to bring you in alignment with your relationship plan. Please remember this is YOUR LIFE. I wish you the best.

LeAnn O'Neal | www.LoveConscious.net
530.676.3847

First of all, congratulations on the good boundaries you have set with Rick’s mother. You must have done some recovery work yourself to be able to do that. If that is true, then you know that you and Rick are caught up in a cycle of relationship addiction (usually called co-dependence).

It's not surprising that an adult grandchild of an alcoholic and a recovering alcoholic himself, who isn’t sure he can manage on his own, has attracted someone into his life as seemingly loving and caring as you are. I say seemingly loving and caring because he thinks he needs someone to manage for him. And that is the least loving thing anyone can do for him.

You can bet that with his mother’s withdrawal that he is going to begin to rely on you more and more. As an adult child of an alcoholic, you have learned well how to take care of others. This is a well-established pattern found in families impacted by addiction. The problem is, when you are so focused on taking care of someone else, you are not taking care of yourself.

Quality recovery from addiction of any kind involves taking responsibility for your own life. And it is a special challenge for those with an addiction. They stop maturing while they are involved in their addiction and have some catching up to do in sobriety. That is the purpose of working a 12-Step program of recovery with a sponsor. It is about more than stopping drinking or trying to control and take care of someone else’s life. It is about taking responsibility for your own life.

LeAnn has accurately pointed out that you can’t be found in your letter to us about this situation with Rick. You need to take responsibility for your life instead of trying to make life better for Rick.

Some questions you need to ask yourself are:

* Am I focusing on Rick and his life so I don’t have to look too closely at my own and what I really want for my life?

* Do I want to manage Rick’s life for him forever? Will I be happy long-term doing that?

* If he never changes, can I live with that? Is this what I want for my life? Do I know what I want for my life?

* What’s stopping me from identifying my requirements, needs, and wants? Am I caught up in focusing on changing someone else instead of focusing on what I need to be happy in my life?

* Am I willing to break this cycle by working a 12-Step recovery program like Alanon for myself?

Best to you.

Linda A. Marshall, M.Div.
RCI Director of Couple’s Trainings & Programs
www.radiantrelating.com | 937.439.1254

Feature Article:
Top Five Characteristics of Relationship Requirements

From the combined wisdom of RCI Coaches
and inspired by our founder, David Steele

Requirements are the deal breakers in a relationship.  If they are not present, your relationship is doomed.  It is best to know what your requirements are before you get serious.  Requirements usually have these five characteristics:

1. They are NON-NEGOTIABLE.  The relationship won't work if a requirement is missing.

To identify your requirements, think about past relationships that have not worked for you.  What was missing that led to your willingness to leave that relationship?

2.  They tend to be BLACK OR WHITE ... met or not met.  There is usually not much room for gray.

To determine a relationship requirement ask yourself, If your partner were wonderful in every other way and you loved them and they loved you, and __________  (you fill in the blank) was not present, would you stay in the relationship? 

If you would stay, then it is not a requirement. 

3.  They also tend to be SUBJECTIVE.  What matters is if the requirement is met or not met from YOUR standards.

Because some words can be defined differently by different people, it is important to be specific about what words like loyalty, trust, honesty, etc. mean to you.  It is YOUR standard that must be met for the relationship to work for you.

Ask yourself, “What does loyalty/trust/honesty/etc. mean to me?  What must happen for me to experience loyalty in my relationship?”

4.  They tend to have much POWER; if you have to think about it, it is probably not a requirement.

Requirements are so core to who you are and what you need, much energy exists around them and this tends to force or drive events. 

RCI Coach Deki Fox has this to say about requirements:

“Requirements are conditions we bring to life because of who we uniquely ARE; they also define how we have grown and developed up until this present moment. They clarify the way my experience of life has shaped me.  They say 'HERE I AM,' with profound implications.”

Your challenge is to find what conditions you bring to life because of how you have grown and developed up to this present moment.  Deki recommends asking yourself, “Am I trying to protect my vulnerability with this requirement or am I trying to fulfill my life purpose?”

5.  They are BEHAVIORAL EVENTS, not traits of your partner.

“You can’t sabotage a relationship that can endure honest questioning.”

The focus here is not on a trait of your partner, but on your own experience of being able to be honest about things that are bothersome to you.  It is your responsibility to work on whatever it is in you that makes the experience of honesty difficult. This might include unhealed wounds that make bringing up the issue uncomfortable, being a conflict avoider and not wanting to ruffle the waters, or complaining because you are not clear about what you really require and need, thus making it difficult to make a clear request.

Ask yourself these questions:

* What is my responsibility here?

* What is it that I need to do to have the experience that I require for this relationship to work? 

* How do I move toward positive requesting and away from negative complaining?

* Is my partner willing to meet my request to fulfill my requirement, once I have identified what it really is?

© 2007 Relationship Coaching Institute– All rights reserved.

Bonus Article:
The Twelve Steps
for Anyone Who Wants Them

Adaptation by Linda Marshall, M.Div.,
RCI Director of Couple’s Trainings and Programs

1. Admitted we were powerless over our addictions to substances, relationships, activities, thoughts, etc. – that our lives had become unmanageable

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of this Power greater than ourselves, whatever our understanding of that Power is

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves

5. Admitted to this Power greater than ourselves, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs – the ways we sabotage our lives and our relationships

6. Were entirely ready to have this Power greater than ourselves remove all these ways we have learned to protect ourselves that are now doing harm and have become character defects

7. Humbly asked this Power greater than ourselves to remove these shortcomings

8. Made a list of the ways I harmed others, especially those I love and became willing to make amends to them all

9. Made direct amends except when to do so would bring further injury to them or to myself

10. Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with this Power greater than ourselves, praying only for knowledge of this Power’s will for us and the power to carry that out

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others suffering from addiction, and practiced these principles in all aspects of our lives

An adaptation of the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous by Linda A. Marshall, M.Div., RCI Director of Couple’s Trainings and Programs

Words of Wisdom

The purpose of our lives is to be free of all addictive traps, and thus become One with the Ocean of Living Love.
-- Ken Keys, Jr.

Happiness happens when your consciousness is not dominated by addictions and demands -- and you experience life as a PARADE of PREFERENCES.”
-- Ken Keyes, Jr.

Requirements say, 'I like being touched by life THIS way.’
-- Deki Fox, RCI Relationship Coach

For More Information

PartnersinLife.org, is a resource for couples offered by Relationship Coaching Institute, a worldwide relationship coaching organization dedicated to helping singles 'find the love of your life AND the life that you love'; to helping new couples 'make a wise choice in a life partner'; and to helping any couple 'fine tune and keep their relationship healthy and fulfilling.'

Visit our web site at www.PartnersInLife.org for Free:

• How to Be Partners for Life e-Program for Couples
• Relationship Knowledge Bank
• And much more!

• Want to make sure you are making a wise choice in a life partner?
• Want to make sure your relationship stays healthy?
• What to give your relationship a fine-tuning?

Get a Relationship Coach!
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NEW RELATIONSHIP? Congratulations in moving forward in your life partner quest! WHAT NOW?

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Links to Us

Contact

Linda Marshall, M.Div. | Director of Couples Programs Linda@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com

Tara Kachaturoff | Editor, PartnersInLife.org Couples News Tara@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com

Visit our website for couples at www.PartnersInLife.org and become a member for free!

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Copyright 2007 by PartnersInLife.org. All rights reserved. Feel free to share this with others as long as our contact information and authorship is included.