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September 2006

In this issue:

Conscious Dating book

Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life in Today's World

Order a copy today for your single friends and family members at

Free to our subscribers!

Conscious Relationship Resources

Conscious Relationship
Tele-Seminar Series

Conscious Relationship Podcast

Conscious Relationship Article Bank

Copyright 2006 by
All rights reserved.


This newsletter is designed especially for YOU
if you are single and ready to
"Find the Love of Your Life
AND the Life That You Love!"

Special Announcement

Click here to enter!Conscious Dating Success Story of the Year Contest

For the one year anniversary of the publication of Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of your Life in Today's World on February 14, 2007 (Valentine's Day) we'll announce the results of our first annual-

Conscious Dating Success Story of the Year Contest

We're awarding an iPod loaded with 20 of our best Conscious Relationship Audio Programs ($369.00 value) to:

  • Best male success story
  • Best female success story
  • Referrer of best male success story
  • Referrer of best female success story

This means that if you know someone who could benefit from reading Conscious Dating, or someone who has read it and has a great success story, YOU can also get an iPod by referring them!

Submissions will be judged by the staff of Relationship Coaching Institute. To be eligible entrants must certify that they have read the Conscious Dating book. Current and past members and staff of Relationship Coaching Institute are not eligible to enter this contest. All submissions become property of Relationship Coaching Institute and by entering this contest entrants grant us permission to publish their story online and in print.

- Do you have a success story to share? Go immediately to

- Know anyone with a success story to share? Please forward this announcement to them!

- Know a single who hasn't read Conscious Dating and is a success story in the making? With 6 months to go there is plenty of time to learn and apply the principles of Conscious Dating. Please send them to

Let the contest begin!

Ask Our Coaches:
Does Age Matter?

...Does age matter when you’re in love?

This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to She will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.

Question for August:  Does age matter?

I’m 36 years old, divorced 5 years, with no children. I met a man who is 57 years old. He has three older children, all married, successful and with families of their own. We’ve been dating for three months.

We haven’t been intimate yet because we both agreed we want to build a solid relationship together. We really enjoy the time we share, which is balanced with activities, talking, and spending time with each other’s friends and family. It seems like a dream come true. It’s really important to us that we invest in each other before we take another step forward. We have talked, but not in detail, about getting married. It’s something that we both want very much and we plan to explore it further.

My concern is our 20-year age difference. I would like your thoughts on how that might affect our relationship. Some of my friends think he’s too old for me, others think I like him because he’s well off (I’m well off too, I own a successful recruiting company), while others say I’ll get stuck taking care of him during the best years of my life. I don’t like all of this negative feedback, but I would like to be more clear on this matter. Does age matter when you’re in love?

Cheryl in Connecticut

Jeff responds …

It's been said that "Age is a matter of mind -- if you don't mind, it doesn't matter."

This could be true if both of you are aligned when it comes to requirements, needs and wants. Do you know what his requirements are as well as you own? A requirement is something you must have in a relationship, otherwise it just won't work. Fidelity or having children are examples of requirements.

Do you have similar needs? Needs are negotiable, as to when they happen, how, and where. If needs are not met, this will bring up issues between you. Both of you need to be sure they can be talked through to the point where they can pass the "AWIA" test - "Are we in agreement?"

Wants are the icing on the cake. It's nice if they line up, but it isn’t necessary. As for the opinions of friends and family, we all need people close enough to us who can honestly say, "What the hell are you doing?" In the final analysis, however, they don’t get a vote, and yours is the one that counts.

Jeff Herring

Lori responds …

Congratulations on finding a great man and family to become a part of. Sometimes dreams do come true, so don’t let naysayers affect you. If you feel he’s right for you, then he is. There are times when age is important, like if you want to have children, but you didn't mention if that was an issue for you.

Fifty-seven is not ancient -- especially if he’s in good health. Imagine yourself at 50 and him at 70. Does that picture bother you? You could marry a 40-year-old who could have an accident, serious illness, heart attack, or be crippled the rest of his life. I’m hearing your heart say that he’s the one, yet your head is questioning your decision. This may be the result of listening to the opinions of your friends.

Continue allowing your relationship to evolve, get intimate, and maybe even explore living together before making a “life-time decision.” If you do trust your instincts about him, and are sure you’re not being naive, then go for it Cheryl and enjoy.

Lori Rubenstein, JD, CPC | Relationship Coach

Hazel responds …

Congratulations on having the patience to wait so you could get to know each other better.

Do you both have the same values and want the same things in life? Are you compatible? Does he fit what you want in a relationship? Since he already has grown children, I would suggest, if you want children of your own, that you are both clear on this point before proceeding.

If you start being concerned about 20 plus years into the future, you won’t be living in the present and you might miss some really wonderful and joy filled years in a great relationship. He could live to be a healthy 100-year-old man. Will you have missed this if you leave the relationship now?

I don't think age should be the main criteria when deciding on a relationship. It’s more important that other factors are present – like common goals and values. Explore those areas and see if you and your new love are in alignment. Notice how you communicate with each other and how you handle disagreements. These interactions will help you better assess how things will be in the long-term between the two of you.

Hazel Palache, MFC, MCCht, CNLP

Michelle responds …

Does age matter? I don’t believe that age should be of great concern. I believe the most important consideration is if he meets YOUR requirements -- not those of your friends or anyone else who’s offers you advice. If you’re clear on what you want in your life, and he’s aligned with what and who you’re looking for, then enjoy yourself and the relationship.

On a personal note, I needed to consider the age issue when I met and got involved in with my husband. He is 10 years younger than I am. Does age affect our relationship? Sometimes it does. But differences due to age can be worked through, if everything else is in place. Enjoy your relationship. Explore it and discover what it truly holds for the both of you.

Michelle Zelig Pourau
O: (03) 9527 9775

Frankie responds …

It sounds like you’re developing a solid foundation for a loving and compatible relationship. Relationship compatibility has nothing to do with age. It’s about two like-minded people sharing a common life vision, core values and goals. However, you are correct to question whether the age difference will affect your relationship, since it is causing you (and your friends) concern.

A 20-year age gap may reveal differences like preferences in music, recreational activities, energy levels and social views. The question you need to ask is whether these differences are significant enough to undermine the relationship.

Se, xual performance is another area of potential concern, as your partner is nearing 60. Are you se, xually compatible? How important is sex to both of you? If problems arise, what are your views on performance enhancing drugs?

There are never any guarantees about what the future will hold. You could marry a man your own age only to have him become incapacitated by an accident. Your 57-year-old friend could live a very healthy and active life well into his 80s. Trust your heart. The best years of your life are what you make of them and are about quality, not quantity.

Frankie Doiron | | 905.453.7451

Ana responds …

Age doesn’t matter when you’ve found your love relationship.

Be honest with yourself. Forget what others have told you about his age, and pay attention to what you said about it. This is a challenge; you need to be clear about your partner. First, review your vision. What will your life look like in five more years? What about your needs? What events in your relationship make you happy? Consider your requirements. Requirements are the non-negotiable characteristics of your relationship. For example, do you want to have children?

Three months into a relationship is a good time to start creating more intimacy and a committed relationship. This is the time to start building a solid foundation for a successful future together. Age is not important in the relationship when you are sure about creating, finding and keeping the relationship of your dreams.

Ana McParland | | 408.230.1741

Randy responds …

Don’t let the age difference concern you and don't listen to your friends. Listen to your heart and to your experience. If you love him, if he loves you, and if you treat each other well, then that is what truly counts. It’s rare at any age. Thinking about the future is important, but now is all we really have, and living in the present is where we find true happiness.

I believe it is good to have at least a ten-year age gap. This is because older men frequently prefer younger women. With the age difference you describe, he’s likely to feel more strongly attached to you, and this is your best insurance against future affairs or divorce (if coupled with true chemistry and good treatment).

One word of caution: you've only been dating for three months, which is a very short time. There is no need to make lifelong decisions based on such little data. I suggest you take your time. This will help you to deepen your understanding of your relationship and of each other.

Randy Hurlburt | |858.455.0799


Relationship Readiness Quiz

Did you know you can take the Relationship Readiness Quiz at  Simply sign up for a free membership to enjoy the quiz as well as other resources developed by RCI Founder and CEO, David Steele.

Tara Alexandra Kachaturoff  |  Editor

Feature Article:
Seven Ways to Cure the Co-Dependent Trap

by Diane Ladd

According to David Steele, founder of the Relationship Coaching Institute in his book Conscious Dating you fall into the co-dependent trap when:

... you expect someone to love you and give you what you want by giving the other person what he or she wants.

You attempt to earn love and happiness by acquiescing, giving to and helping others. Because you desperately want to be in a relationship and you feel you’re not worthy, you feel you need to earn it. You pursue relationships with determination because you feel incomplete when you're not in one. You want to be the hero and therefore seek someone who wants to be helped.

You’ll end up learning the hard way, that although it feels good to be needed, someone who needs you is not necessarily able to give you what you need. Needing to be needed often results in unconsciously attracting and choosing a relationship with someone who is unable to give you what you want.

The first step to “the cure” for the co-dependent trap is awareness. What are your expectations in a dating relationship? How have your expectations influenced your relationship choices? It may be time for you to take a long hard look at yourself in order to move forward.

Here are seven other things you can do that will help you avoid falling into this trap.

#1 Plant Your Own Garden

Instead of expecting a partner to bring you what you need, create what you want for yourself. When two whole human beings come together in a relationship, they have the ability to create a life that is truly wonderful and exciting!

If you enjoy wearing jewelry, purchase a lovely bracelet. If you take pleasure in theater, subscribe to season tickets to enjoy a local group. If you love fresh flowers, buy a bouquet… or better yet, plant your own garden - literally!

#2 Speak Your Mind

Be yourself! If you want someone to love you, show him or her who you are! Do this by taking off your “mask” and being authentic. If you only show someone what you think he or she wants to see, then he or she falls in love with the illusion and not with the real you.

If you abhor violence, don’t date a gun collector. If you disagree with foreign policy, don’t say that you do. And, for goodness sake, if you hate Sushi don’t eat raw fish!

#3 Be Worthy of Your Own Love

What would life look like if you really loved and accepted yourself? We all have the little voices or “gremlins” that live in our head. They may say things like, “Boy, that was stupid, no one could ever love such an idiot!” or “Look at you! You’ve gained tons of weight.” If you ever talked to a friend like this, he would never speak to you again! Yet, you speak that way to yourself.

Always treat yourself with kindness. Take care of yourself. If your body needs exercise, go to the gym. If you need pampering, get a massage. Know that your “gremlins” exists, but don’t give in to them by listening.

#4 Pursue Your Interests

What do you love to do? What makes you jump out of bed in the morning? Are you an athletic and active person who runs around all day and still has energy to spare? Do you enjoy leisure time or quiet time for reading or meditation? Are you a city slicker or a country bumpkin? What turns you on?

Do what you love! Make your interests a priority in your life. When you do this, not only will you be enriching your life and adding joy to it, but also you’ll put yourself in situations that will increase your chances of attracting a compatible partner.

#5 Adopt a Pet

If you have the desire to take care of someone who is needy, your best bet is a puppy, not a partner. Adopting a pet is the best way to be truly loved by someone who needs you! A pet will love you unconditionally and will give back 150%.

#6 Volunteer at a Homeless Shelter

If you have a desire to help, help those who need it most. This world needs more people like you -- people who want to make a difference in the lives of others. Your desire to make a difference in the world has a place in our society, but not necessarily in a romantic relationship.

#7 Join

Join for f.ree access to many resources helpful to singles. You can take a complimentary Relationship Readiness Assessment, listen to great audio programs, read interesting articles, and much more.

Diane Ladd |

Copyright © 2006 by  All rights reserved in all media.

Bonus Article:
Secrets of Successful Dating:
Interview with Coach Deb Melton

Deb Melton Interviewed by Editor Tara Kachaturoff

Tara: Being ready and available to date is an important part of being successful in dating. Can you elaborate?

Deb: Many times, we think that just because we want something, we’re ready for it. Do you remember when you were 16 and you got your driver's license? All you could think about was getting your first car -- but were you ready for car ownership?

Sometimes we’re not quite ready or available to enter into a relationship. Is your career taking up a lot of time right now? Have you decided to go back to school to finish your degree? Are you still grieving the loss of your last relationship? Is there something you have always wanted to do and now is the time? This may not be the best time to enter a relationship; but it might be the perfect time for being social and for dating for fun.

I had always wanted to travel without an itinerary. When I got a divorce, I sold my furniture, put what remained into storage, and set out to travel as long as I could. It was a great adventure and one I’ll cherish for the rest of my life. However, I couldn’t have done this if I had allowed myself to become committed before I was ready.

When you’re single, it’s a challenge to be completely honest with yourself about this point. Are you ready for a commitment or is it just something you want at the moment? It might be wiser to take some time to work on yourself. Get to know yourself again.

Do something you’ve been putting off or have always wanted to do. This might be the perfect time to explore who you are now, as a single man or woman. Then when you are ready for another commitment, you’ll be a much more interesting, well-rounded person, and better able to attract that special someone.

Tara: What about the Law of Attraction? How does that work into the successful dating equation?

Deb: The law of attraction is based on the premise that like attracts like. The law of attraction was demonstrated beautifully in the movie Field of Dreams, "if you build it, they will come." We also see it at work in business. Companies that are big and successful seem to get bigger and more successful.

In a relationship, what this means is that for you to attract the partner you want, you must first develop yourself. You must live the life you want and develop the traits you want to find in a partner. If you want to attract someone who is kind and caring, see how you show up as that kind of person. If you want someone who is physically active, how active are you? If you want someone who has a good sense of humor and can laugh at their mistakes, ask yourself if you can do that. Develop yourself and watch who shows up!

Tara: Can you explain the importance of having a support community? How can it increase your chances for dating success?

Deb: Most people don’t think about having a support community. However, one of the things I hear from singles all the time is that it's lonely out there! If you were married for a long time or in a long-term committed relationship, you may find yourself now feeling isolated and lonely. You are now in a different social group and may have lost some of your former friends.

Remember, we’re social beings. We like and need to be with other people. Isolated singles tend to become lonely even when they become a couple. Why? No one person can meet all of our needs. We are complex beings and we need satisfying relationships with many people to live a full life.

By creating a community of friends and colleagues with whom you spend time, you will find it much easier to feel connected and fulfilled when you do find the love of your life. Also, by widening your circle of friends, you’ll increase your chances of meeting someone. Your friend might know someone who would be the perfect match for you!

Copyright © 2006 by Deb Melton. Original material by David Steele, adapted with permission

Deb Melton | Denver Singles Coach


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