This newsletter is
designed especially for YOU
if you are single and ready to
"Find the Love of Your Life
AND the Life That You Love!"
Conscious Dating Success Story
of the Year
the one year anniversary of the publication of Conscious
Dating: Finding the Love of your Life in Today's World
on February 14, 2007 (Valentine's Day) we'll announce the results of
our first annual-
Dating Success Story of the Year Contest
awarding an iPod loaded with 20 of our best Conscious Relationship
Audio Programs ($369.00 value) to:
- Best male success story
- Best female success story
- Referrer of best male success story
- Referrer of best female success story
means that if you know someone who could benefit from reading Conscious
Dating, or someone who has read it and has a great success story, YOU
can also get an iPod by referring them!
will be judged by the staff of Relationship Coaching Institute. To be
eligible entrants must certify that they have read the Conscious Dating
book. Current and past members and staff of Relationship Coaching
Institute are not eligible to enter this contest. All submissions
become property of Relationship Coaching Institute and by entering this
contest entrants grant us permission to publish their story online and
Do you have a success story to share?
Go immediately to www.consciousdating.com/contest.htm
Know anyone with a success story to share? Please
forward this announcement to them!
Know a single who hasn't read Conscious Dating and is a success story
in the making? With 6
months to go there is plenty of time to learn and apply the principles
of Conscious Dating. Please send them to www.consciousdating.com
the contest begin!
Does Age Matter?
age matter when you’re in love?
This column answers
questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to Tara@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com.
She will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue,
we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.
for August: Does
36 years old, divorced 5 years, with no children. I met a man who is 57
years old. He has three older children, all married, successful and
with families of their own. We’ve been dating for three
haven’t been intimate yet because we both agreed we want to
build a solid relationship together. We really enjoy the time we share,
which is balanced with activities, talking, and spending time with each
other’s friends and family. It seems like a dream come true.
It’s really important to us that we invest in each other
before we take another step forward. We have talked, but not in detail,
about getting married. It’s something that we both want very
much and we plan to explore it further.
concern is our 20-year age difference. I would like your thoughts on
how that might affect our relationship. Some of my friends think
he’s too old for me, others think I like him because
he’s well off (I’m well off too, I own a successful
recruiting company), while others say I’ll get stuck taking
care of him during the best years of my life. I don’t like
all of this negative feedback, but I would like to be more clear on
this matter. Does age matter when you’re in love?
Cheryl in Connecticut
It's been said that "Age is a matter of mind -- if you don't mind, it
This could be true if both of you are aligned when it comes to
requirements, needs and wants. Do you know what his requirements are as
well as you own? A requirement is something you must have in a
relationship, otherwise it just won't work. Fidelity or having children
are examples of requirements.
Do you have similar needs? Needs are negotiable, as to when they
happen, how, and where. If needs are not met, this will bring up issues
between you. Both of you need to be sure they can be talked through to
the point where they can pass the "AWIA" test - "Are we in agreement?"
Wants are the icing on the cake. It's nice if they line up, but it
isn’t necessary. As for the opinions of friends and family,
we all need people close enough to us who can honestly say, "What the
hell are you doing?" In the final analysis, however, they
don’t get a vote, and yours is the one that counts.
Congratulations on finding a great man and family to become a part of.
Sometimes dreams do come true, so don’t let naysayers affect
you. If you feel he’s right for you, then he is. There are
times when age is important, like if you want to have children, but you
didn't mention if that was an issue for you.
is not ancient -- especially if he’s in good health. Imagine
yourself at 50 and him at 70. Does that picture bother you? You could
marry a 40-year-old who could have an accident, serious illness, heart
attack, or be crippled the rest of his life. I’m hearing your
heart say that he’s the one, yet your head is questioning
your decision. This may be the result of listening to the opinions of
allowing your relationship to evolve, get intimate, and maybe even
explore living together before making a “life-time
decision.” If you do trust your instincts about him, and are
sure you’re not being naive, then go for it Cheryl and enjoy.
Rubenstein, JD, CPC | Relationship Coach
Congratulations on having the patience to wait so you could get to know
each other better.
Do you both have the same values and want the same things in life? Are
you compatible? Does he fit what you want in a relationship? Since he
already has grown children, I would suggest, if you want children of
your own, that you are both clear on this point before proceeding.
you start being concerned about 20 plus years into the future, you
won’t be living in the present and you might miss some really
wonderful and joy filled years in a great relationship. He could live
to be a healthy 100-year-old man. Will you have missed this if you
leave the relationship now?
don't think age should be the main criteria when deciding on a
relationship. It’s more important that other factors are
present – like common goals and values. Explore those areas
and see if you and your new love are in alignment. Notice how you
communicate with each other and how you handle disagreements. These
interactions will help you better assess how things will be in the
long-term between the two of you.
Hazel Palache, MFC,
Does age matter? I
don’t believe that age should be of great concern. I believe
the most important consideration is if he meets YOUR requirements --
not those of your friends or anyone else who’s offers you
advice. If you’re clear on what you want in your life, and
he’s aligned with what and who you’re looking for,
then enjoy yourself and the relationship.
On a personal note, I
needed to consider the age issue when I met and got involved in with my
husband. He is 10 years younger than I am. Does age affect our
relationship? Sometimes it does. But differences due to age can be
worked through, if everything else is in place. Enjoy your
relationship. Explore it and discover what it truly holds for the both
Michelle Zelig Pourau
O: (03) 9527 9775
It sounds like
you’re developing a solid foundation for a loving and
compatible relationship. Relationship compatibility has nothing to do
with age. It’s about two like-minded people sharing a common
life vision, core values and goals. However, you are correct to
question whether the age difference will affect your relationship,
since it is causing you (and your friends) concern.
A 20-year age gap may
reveal differences like preferences in music, recreational activities,
energy levels and social views. The question you need to ask is whether
these differences are significant enough to undermine the relationship.
Se, xual performance is
another area of potential concern, as your partner is nearing 60. Are
you se, xually compatible? How important is sex to both of you? If
problems arise, what are your views on performance enhancing drugs?
There are never any
guarantees about what the future will hold. You could marry a man your
own age only to have him become incapacitated by an accident. Your
57-year-old friend could live a very healthy and active life well into
his 80s. Trust your heart. The best years of your life are what you
make of them and are about quality, not quantity.
Doiron | www.frankiedoiron.com
matter when you’ve found your love relationship.
Be honest with yourself.
Forget what others have told you about his age, and pay attention to
what you said about it. This is a challenge; you need to be clear about
your partner. First, review your vision. What will your life look like
in five more years? What about your needs? What events in your
relationship make you happy? Consider your requirements. Requirements
are the non-negotiable characteristics of your relationship. For
example, do you want to have children?
Three months into a
relationship is a good time to start creating more intimacy and a
committed relationship. This is the time to start building a solid
foundation for a successful future together. Age is not important in
the relationship when you are sure about creating, finding and keeping
the relationship of your dreams.
McParland | www.mydreamrelationship.com
let the age difference concern you and don't listen to your friends.
Listen to your heart and to your experience. If you love him, if he
loves you, and if you treat each other well, then that is what truly
counts. It’s rare at any age. Thinking about the future is
important, but now is all we really have, and living in the present is
where we find true happiness.
I believe it is good to have at least a ten-year age gap. This is
because older men frequently prefer younger women. With the age
difference you describe, he’s likely to feel more strongly
attached to you, and this is your best insurance against future affairs
or divorce (if coupled with true chemistry and good treatment).
One word of caution: you've only been dating for three months, which is
a very short time. There is no need to make lifelong decisions based on
such little data. I suggest you take your time. This will help you to
deepen your understanding of your relationship and of each other.
Randy Hurlburt |Randy@ConsciousDatingSanDiego.com
you know you can take the Relationship
Readiness Quiz at www.consciousdating.org?
Simply sign up for a free membership to enjoy the quiz as well as other
resources developed by RCI Founder and CEO, David Steele.
Alexandra Kachaturoff | Editor
Seven Ways to Cure the Co-Dependent Trap
by Diane Ladd
to David Steele, founder of the Relationship Coaching Institute in his
book Conscious Dating
you fall into the co-dependent trap when:
you expect someone to love you and give you what you want by giving the
other person what he or she wants.
attempt to earn love and happiness by acquiescing, giving to and
helping others. Because you desperately want to be in a relationship
and you feel you’re not worthy, you feel you need to earn it.
You pursue relationships with determination because you feel incomplete
when you're not in one. You want to be the hero and therefore seek
someone who wants to be helped.
end up learning the hard way, that although it feels good to be needed,
someone who needs you is not necessarily able to give you what you
need. Needing to be needed often results in unconsciously attracting
and choosing a relationship with someone who is unable to give you what
The first step to
“the cure” for the co-dependent trap is awareness.
What are your expectations in a dating relationship? How have your
expectations influenced your relationship choices? It may be time for
you to take a long hard look at yourself in order to move forward.
Here are seven other
things you can do that will help you avoid falling into this trap.
Plant Your Own Garden
Instead of expecting a
partner to bring you what you need, create what you want for yourself.
When two whole human beings come together in a relationship, they have
the ability to create a life that is truly wonderful and exciting!
If you enjoy wearing
jewelry, purchase a lovely bracelet. If you take pleasure in theater,
subscribe to season tickets to enjoy a local group. If you love fresh
flowers, buy a bouquet… or better yet, plant your own garden
Speak Your Mind
Be yourself! If you want
someone to love you, show him or her who you are! Do this by taking off
your “mask” and being authentic. If you only show
someone what you think he or she wants to see, then he or she falls in
love with the illusion and not with the real you.
If you abhor violence,
don’t date a gun collector. If you disagree with foreign
policy, don’t say that you do. And, for goodness sake, if you
hate Sushi don’t eat raw fish!
Be Worthy of Your Own Love
What would life look like
if you really loved and accepted yourself? We all have the little
voices or “gremlins” that live in our head. They
may say things like, “Boy, that was stupid, no one could ever
love such an idiot!” or “Look at you!
You’ve gained tons of weight.” If you ever talked
to a friend like this, he would never speak to you again! Yet, you
speak that way to yourself.
Always treat yourself
with kindness. Take care of yourself. If your body needs exercise, go
to the gym. If you need pampering, get a massage. Know that your
“gremlins” exists, but don’t give in to
them by listening.
Pursue Your Interests
What do you love to do?
What makes you jump out of bed in the morning? Are you an athletic and
active person who runs around all day and still has energy to spare? Do
you enjoy leisure time or quiet time for reading or meditation? Are you
a city slicker or a country bumpkin? What turns you on?
Do what you love! Make
your interests a priority in your life. When you do this, not only will
you be enriching your life and adding joy to it, but also
you’ll put yourself in situations that will increase your
chances of attracting a compatible partner.
Adopt a Pet
If you have the desire to
take care of someone who is needy, your best bet is a puppy, not a
partner. Adopting a pet is the best way to be truly loved by someone
who needs you! A pet will love you unconditionally and will give back
Volunteer at a Homeless Shelter
If you have a desire to
help, help those who need it most. This world needs more people like
you -- people who want to make a difference in the lives of others.
Your desire to make a difference in the world has a place in our
society, but not necessarily in a romantic relationship.
for f.ree access to many resources helpful to singles. You can take a
complimentary Relationship Readiness Assessment, listen to great audio
programs, read interesting articles, and much more.
Diane Ladd | www.AndoverLifeCoaching.com
© 2006 by consciousdating.org.. All
rights reserved in all media.
Secrets of Successful Dating:
Interview with Coach Deb Melton
Deb Melton Interviewed by
Editor Tara Kachaturoff
Being ready and available to date is an important part of being
successful in dating. Can you elaborate?
Many times, we think that just because we want something,
we’re ready for it. Do you remember when you were 16 and you
got your driver's license? All you could think about was getting your
first car -- but were you ready for car ownership?
not quite ready or available to enter into a relationship. Is your
career taking up a lot of time right now? Have you decided to go back
to school to finish your degree? Are you still grieving the loss of
your last relationship? Is there something you have always wanted to do
and now is the time? This may not be the best time to enter a
relationship; but it might be the perfect time for being social and for
dating for fun.
I had always wanted to
travel without an itinerary. When I got a divorce, I sold my furniture,
put what remained into storage, and set out to travel as long as I
could. It was a great adventure and one I’ll cherish for the
rest of my life. However, I couldn’t have done this if I had
allowed myself to become committed before I was ready.
single, it’s a challenge to be completely honest with
yourself about this point. Are you ready for a commitment or is it just
something you want at the moment? It might be wiser to take some time
to work on yourself. Get to know yourself again.
Do something you’ve been putting off or have always wanted to
do. This might be the perfect time to explore who you are now, as a
single man or woman. Then when you are ready for another commitment,
you’ll be a much more interesting, well-rounded person, and
better able to attract that special someone.
about the Law of Attraction? How does that work into the successful
The law of attraction is based on the premise that like attracts like.
The law of attraction was demonstrated beautifully in the movie Field
of Dreams, "if you build it, they will come." We also see it at work in
business. Companies that are big and successful seem to get bigger and
In a relationship, what
this means is that for you to attract the partner you want, you must
first develop yourself. You must live the life you want and develop the
traits you want to find in a partner. If you want to attract someone
who is kind and caring, see how you show up as that kind of person. If
you want someone who is physically active, how active are you? If you
want someone who has a good sense of humor and can laugh at their
mistakes, ask yourself if you can do that. Develop yourself and watch
who shows up!
you explain the importance of having a support community? How can it
increase your chances for dating success?
don’t think about having a support community. However, one of
the things I hear from singles all the time is that it's lonely out
there! If you were married for a long time or in a long-term committed
relationship, you may find yourself now feeling isolated and lonely.
You are now in a different social group and may have lost some of your
Remember, we’re social beings. We like and need to be with
other people. Isolated singles tend to become lonely even when they
become a couple. Why? No one person can meet all of our needs. We are
complex beings and we need satisfying relationships with many people to
live a full life.
By creating a community of friends and colleagues with whom you spend
time, you will find it much easier to feel connected and fulfilled when
you do find the love of your life. Also, by widening your circle of
friends, you’ll increase your chances of meeting someone.
Your friend might know someone who would be the perfect match for you!
Copyright © 2006
by Deb Melton. Original material by David Steele, adapted with
Deb Melton | Denver Singles Coach
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