October 2006

In this issue:

Order a copy today for your single friends and family members at www.ConsciousDating.com

Free to our subscribers!

Welcome!
This newsletter is designed especially for YOU
if you are single and ready to
"Find the Love of Your Life
AND the Life That You Love!"

Conscious Dating Success Story of the Year Contest

For the one year anniversary of the publication of Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of your Life in Today's World on February 14, 2007 (Valentine's Day) we'll announce the results of our first annual-

Conscious Dating Success Story of the Year Contest

We're awarding an iPod loaded with 20 of our best Conscious Relationship Audio Programs ($369.00 value) to-

- Best male success story
- Best female success story
- Referrer of best male success story
- Referrer of best female success story

This means that if you know someone who could benefit from reading Conscious Dating, or someone who has read it and has a great success story, YOU can also get an iPod by referring them!

Submissions will be judged by the staff of Relationship Coaching Institute. To be eligible entrants must certify that they have read the Conscious Dating book. Current and past members and staff of Relationship Coaching Institute are not eligible to enter this contest. All submissions become property of Relationship Coaching Institute and by entering this contest entrants grant us permission to publish their story online and in print.

- Do you have a success story to share? Go immediately to www.consciousdating.com/contest.htm

- Know anyone with a success story to share? Please forward this announcement to them!

- Know a single who hasn't read Conscious Dating and is a success story in the making? With 6 months to go there is plenty of time to learn and apply the principles of Conscious Dating. Please send them to www.consciousdating.com

Let the contest begin!

Ask Our Coaches:
Breaking Up is Hard. Now What?

... I’ve been feeling sad and lonely since the breakup. How do you work through the awful feelings as quickly as possible?

This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to Tara@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com. She will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.

Question for August:  Breaking up is hard. Now what?

I just broke up with my girlfriend of 3 years about a month ago. I’m 32 and am a successful mortgage broker. I really wanted to get married, but she decided she just wasn’t ready and that she wanted to concentrate on her career. I needed to move on because I want to get married and have a family and I knew that wasn’t going to happen with her.

My career is great and I’m ready to settle down. I just thought it would be with her. I’ve been feeling sad and lonely since the breakup. I made a clean cut because I didn’t want to be emailing and talking on the phone as that would make it worse. I’m feeling a little hopeless about the future because I need to start all over to find the right woman. It seems like a daunting task!

How do you work through the awful feelings as quickly as possible? I want to get out there and date again, but I know I’m just not ready. Do you have any suggestions on how to work through this and how to get back on track and focused as quickly as possible?

Derek in Detroit

As with any broken relationship, you need to take time to complete the grieving process. You’ve been in a long-term relationship and now it’s important to experience the feelings and emotions that you’ve had about it. Create the space and time to see what happens, and then you’ll be ready for your next step.

After breaking up from a relationship, many people feel afraid to be alone. They either immediately begin another relationship or they become discouraged and decide they don’t want to try any more. You need to work on where you are now-- work with your feelings. Educate yourself about relationships. Find a good book to read about the subject. Seek out a relationship coach who can guide you through this process. Go to workshops or classes and discover your own mysteries. When you’re ready, you’ll find the right person to share the rest of your life with. Best of luck.

Ana McParland-Gonzalez | www.mydreamrelationship.com
ana@mydreamrelationship.com
408.910.8910

Lois responds …

Jumping into finding another relationship that will lead to marriage after you just broke up is probably not the best place to be at the moment as you still have some healing that needs to take place.

Why not consider trying some other things. Instead of boxing yourself in to the “daunting task” of dating, what if you socialized with like-minded individuals, doing some fun and interesting things together? Most likely, these activities will improve your mood and you’ll feel much happier. By enjoying time with others, you’ll become more aware of what you truly want in a relationship, and most importantly, you’ll start attracting someone who shares the values and interests that you do.

Don’t try to force outcomes; all things will unfold naturally. Relax and have some fun, Derek. Take action to get out there and meet some new and interesting people who share similar interests to yours. Let go of that sense of urgency and let the attraction happen. My best to you Derek!

Lois Galloway | Discover Yourself Coaching
lois@discoveryourselfcoaching.com | 905.713.1352

Michael responds …

The key to surviving (and thriving) after a break up is to be mindful of the four stages of a healthy breakup: grieving, learning, growing, and leaving.

While many people jump right from the grieving stage into dating and into another relationship (which definitely feels better than the suffering you're going through right now), it leaves them stuck with the same patterns and knowledge they had before. The result it that they end up making the same mistakes again.

The keys to a successful and healthy breakup are …

… to grieve fully
… to learn everything you can from the relationship
… to build your strength and your reserves, and
… leaving the past behind to move on to a fuller, easier life

While you're doing this, remember to take things one day at a time. The pain you’re feeling will subside as you work through these stages. Sometimes it helps to have support around you during this process.

You might consider engaging the services of a professional relationship coach. We work with clients to help them navigate these stages as quickly and effectively as possible. I wish you healing and wholeness.

Michael Murray |
www.profoundconnections.com
647-477-2325
michael@profoundconnections.com

I’m sorry to hear about your disappointment. You were wise to cut off all communication so you can focus on the future you wish to create for yourself. Consider your 3-year relationship as great training for the amazing woman you intend to attract and marry in the future.

Partnership and family issues require that we make important choices. We need to take the time to be sure our relationships match our dreams and requirements. You are at an excellent age to find women who share your desire for family and partnership. Here’s a prayer ritual I use myself and also share with my clients:

1) I now release all people, places and things that no longer serve my highest and best good. I thank you for being my teacher and for blessing my life, and I now release you, with love, to your highest and best good.

2) I now invite all people, places and things that are meant for my highest and best good. I am open and available to attract my perfect, divine partner with love and ease.

Best of Luck to you!

Julie Holley | www.TheMateDoctor.com
760.917.6557

You made a tough choice -- one most people wouldn’t have the courage to act upon. You ended a relationship with a woman you loved because of incompatibility issues. The issue of having children is without middle ground or room for compromise. Many people make the mistake of staying in a relationship even though some of their fundamental requirements are not being met -- and that’s why divorce rates are so high.

It’s natural to feel sad and lonely because you’re mourning your lost love. Take time to grieve. The experience of the last three years was not a waste. It played an important role in your personal growth. Allow yourself to honor that. Rather than feel hopeless, try to envision a future of wonderful possibilities and hope! Now, you have a real chance of finding exactly what you’re looking for in a partner.

Your likelihood of relationship success is extremely high because you’ve demonstrated you have what it takes to make difficult choices based on your values and life goals. Don’t feel pressured by time. Remember that slow and steady wins the race. Since your eyes are wide open, you will get there without all the detours. I wish you the best.

Frankie Doiron | www.frankiedoiron.com
frankie@frankiedoiron.com | 905.453.7451

Sandy responds …

Congratulations on reaching out for help and not just jumping into another relationship—one in which you would be on the rebound. You’re wise to have broken off contact entirely with your former girlfriend, and you’re absolutely correct thinking that you are not ready for dating just yet. Unfortunately, you must go through this pain and take all the time you need to heal.

Grief counselors tell us that the only way out is through. When the pain comes, don’t try to fight it; rather, allow it to fill you up, as hard as that may be. The pain will reach a high point, and then it will begin to subside. Each time it returns, it has a little less hold on you, until eventually, it leaves.

While going through the healing, there are several things you can do to speed up the process:

• Surround yourself with caring, supportive friends and relatives. Be sure that at least one of those friends is someone to whom you can confide your pain.

• Begin a gratitude journal. I know of nothing that gets us focused in the right direction as quickly as creating a daily list of 5 things for which we are grateful.

• Begin working with a caring relationship coach to help you explore your inner being. Explore your interests and passions so you can live your ideal life now. Then, when your new love appears, you’ll be ready to enter into a relationship whole-heartedly.

I can assure you that you’ll get through this difficult time. You will find that loving partner you deserve. Hang in there.

Sandra Rohr |SDRohr@aol.com | 714.774.8540

Randy responds …

Breakups are difficult, and it's painful to try to date when you’re still hurting. Forgive yourself, acknowledge that this is painful and not fun, and then get out there and do some dating anyway. "Recreational" dating may be appropriate for a while. Don’t date with an agenda; don't think of someone you meet as "this might be the one." Instead, think of dating as having fun and getting to know and understand other people.

Also, it’s important to expand your knowledge around relationships. The last thing you want is to meet the right person and not know it, or not know how to handle it. Repeating mistakes is a favorite American pastime. You’ll start to feel better about yourself if you learn what’s really going on in relationships.

There are many good books you can read to increase your dating knowledge. David Steele's, Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life in Today's World, is a good resource for learning about dating skills.

Forgive yourself, get back into circulation, and learn about love. These things will make you strong. Let me know how it goes!

Randy Hurlburt | Randy@ConsciousDatingSanDiego.com
www.ConsciousDatingSanDiego.com |858.455.0799

Tara responds …

Rosanne Rosen, in her book The Complete Idiot's Guide to Handling a Breakup talks about the empowering aspects of breaking up with someone. These words, quoted directly from her book, help us appreciate this event in a different light.

A breakup can do these things for you …

• It gives you back control over your life

• It demonstrates that you will not allow yourself to be treated poorly or unfairly

• It shows you aren’t afraid to say you’ve made a mistake

• It shows you have the courage to move on

• It proves you have confidence in your ability to fly solo

• It shows you haven’t found what you want and deserve and are not willing to settle for less

• It demonstrates a fundamental belief in yourself

• It shows you aren’t afraid to make things happen

Tara Kachaturoff | Master Certified Singles Coach
www.relationshipplanning.com | 248.723.1926

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Relationship Readiness Quiz

Did you know you can take the Relationship Readiness Quiz at www.consciousdating.org?  Simply sign up for a free membership to enjoy the quiz as well as other resources developed by RCI Founder and CEO, David Steele.

Tara Alexandra Kachaturoff  |  Editor

Feature Article:
Too Old for Love?
Over 50 and Starting Over

by Sandra Rohr, M.A.

...Like a fine wine, life and love can become more wonderful because of, not in spite of, aging.

Recently, I met a woman with an interesting story. It seems that she and her husband have been separated for many years. They went through almost all of the steps of divorce: filing the petition, discovery, mediation, the trial, receipt of the final divorce decree, and signing.

There’s only one remaining step to make the divorce final -- to take the signed documents to the judge who will pronounce the divorce final in open court. The interesting thing is that she’s held on to these documents for 2 ½ years! She and her husband have lived in limbo for all that time.

As she told me this story she sorted out the reasons for not completing her divorce, which included the security she felt by still being connected to someone, the ability to rely on her husband in a pinch, along with half a dozen other reasons. However, the main reason she has dragged her feet for so long is that she’s 59 and fearful about re-entering the dating/mating scene.

“I’m just too old! And I don’t know anything about dating anymore. It’s just been too long! Everything has changed!” She was nearly in tears as she related this to me. She was talking to the right person because I have been in her position. When I was widowed at 52, I felt I had little chance of ever being in a relationship again. For the next 6 years, I didn’t date at all.

Then, at 58, I was inspired by a friend (also a widow) who had found a new relationship. I began to date, tentatively at first, but I soon fell deeply in love. While this relationship didn’t work out in the long run (thank goodness!), it was the beginning of a new life for me.

In my experiences I’ve identified 5 deadly myths about being of a mature age and starting over:

Myth #1: It just can’t happen

No matter what images the media projects and in spite of statements like, “A woman over 50 is as likely to marry again as to be hit by lightning,” it’s not true that a life of love and intimacy is only for the young and the beautiful. All it takes is one person, and using the laws of attraction, to draw that person to you.

Myth #2: I don’t know enough

Sure, the dating scene has changed since you were a teen, but the people you’re likely to date, people of similar age, were born and raised in your era. This means they learned to date for the first time when you did. They’ll have the same understanding of how to date and relate as you do.

Consider that most of your potential dates will be just as nervous as you are. If you focus on putting your date at ease, you’ll feel more comfortable yourself, and you’ll make a better impression.

In spite of the tired cliché, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks,” you can learn all you need to know about dating right now. Consider that you probably learned how to date when you were 16, and now, you have considerably more life experience than you did then. If you recall, you are probably just as nervous now as you were as a teenager. Your maturity and life experiences will help you to learn all you need to know—and very quickly.

Myth #4: I will just get my heart broken

Actually, I can’t promise that this won’t happen, but I can promise you will recover, and you will learn from the experience. Life is risky, and when we put ourselves out there with the intent to love, we are vulnerable.

When I recall the relationship I had at 58, the one that broke my heart, my memories are wonderful. I loved feeling alive, sexy, and young. I rely every day on the lessons I learned from that experience. Did I think I might die after we broke up? Absolutely! Did I wish that it had never happened? Not for a minute! Since that time, I have continued to have other wonderful relationships that have greatly enriched my life.

Myth #5: Love, now, could never be as sweet as it once was

One thing that amazed me when I fell in love at 58 was that I felt like I was 16 again. I was just as nervous, just as eager, just as giddy. The love we shared was just as sweet, just as exciting, and just as fulfilling. Humans never get too old to feel that zing! And the sex, even with our aging bodies, can actually be far better, far more fulfilling than when we were young.

Like a fine wine, life and love can become more wonderful because of, not in spite of, aging. There is a dessert wine known as late harvest wine. This wine is created from select grapes left to hang on the vine late into the season. The grapes are affected by botrytis, the “noble rot,” that causes them to become dry and shriveled on the vine, and therefore highly concentrated with sugar.

When harvested by hand, pressed, and fermented, these grapes produce a sweet, luscious, honeyed, nectar-like wine. Love, later in life, can be just like that late harvest. It’s never too late for love, and it’s worth the risk. So go for life. Go for love. Drink deep from that sweet, luscious, honeyed, nectar-like cup!

Copyright ©2006 Sandra Rohr

Sandra Rohr, M.A. is a certified Life Purpose Coach and relationship coach, who specializes in helping singles to connect with their life partners and couples to establish and maintain strong relationships. Hear Sandy’s workshop on How to Be Irresistibly Attractive to the Opposite Sex at www.YourPersonalLoveCoach.com Sandy@YourPersonalLoveCoach.com 714.774.8540

Bonus Article:
The Scarcity Trap

by Jeff Herring, MS, LMFT

Many times, we fall into the trap of believing there’s a limited supply of possible partners. Then when you do the math, the natural conclusion is that you had better take what you can get.

Taking what you can get, however, can get you into a lot of trouble. One possible outcome is relationship failure. That happens when you get together with someone with whom you’re not compatible. You both know it, but you get together anyway, hoping that things will get better.

This is compromising in the worst possible way. It also becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. When you expect less, you get less.

Four Signs of the Scarcity Trap

Some of the signs which indicate you may be falling into the Scarcity Trap include:

#1 You commit to the first person who shows you any attention

#2 You know something is wrong, but you do all you can to deny it to yourself

#3 Your friends who truly care about you are asking, “What the heck are you doing?” You choose to ignore them

#4 You believe you’re running out of time and options

Solution

Get clear by defining what and who you truly want in a relationship and persevere. Be the chooser. Trust that if you apply yourself, you can get what you really want in life. You must be able to say "No" to what you DON'T want, to be available to say "Yes" to what you DO want.

If you cannot say “no,” then your “yes” has no meaning. You have the power to choose who, what, where, when, and how to get what you truly want in life. It starts with clearly defining what you want in your relationship and then aligning your choices.

Jeff Herring, MS, LMFT
www.SecretsofGreatRelationships.com www.ConsciousDatingAtlanta.com
jeff@jeffherring.com | 850.580.5333

Recommended Reading for Singles

Winning Points with the Woman in Your Life One Touchdown at a Time
by Jaci Rae

Recommended by Brenda Zeller

Fun and humorous football-themed book geared towards men who are looking to better their relationships with the woman in their life - includes relationship tips from prized NFL Players as well as personal stories about their lives.

The Truth About Love: The Highs, the Lows, and How You Can Make it Last Forever
by Pat Love

Recommended by Linda Marshall

Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life in Today's World
by David Steele

Recommended by Tara Kachaturoff

Learn how to take a proactive role in finding your ideal life partner and create the life you love.

Conscious Dating Resources

Visit our website at http://www.ConsciousDating.org and join (no charge) for cutting-edge information and tools for finding the love of your life, including:

• Register for our 5-Day e-Program for Singles, "How To Find Your Life Partner"

• Take our proprietary Relationship Readiness Quiz

• Listen to outstanding audio programs such as "Find the Love of Your Life AND The Life That You Love" and "Conscious Dating for Relationship Success"

• Access our Knowledge Bank for innovative relationship tools, strategies and concepts

• Check out our talented RCI-trained Relationship Coaches at http://www.ConsciousDating.org/coach

For More Information

ConsciousDating.org, a resource for singles offered by Relationship Coaching Institute, is a worldwide relationship coaching organization dedicated to helping you 'find the love of your life AND the life that you love'. For more information about us, please visit our web site at http://www.consciousdating.org

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www.ConsciousRelationshipResources.com

Conscious Relationship
Tele-Seminar Series

October 12: The Journey from I to We

November 9: Reptiles in Love

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Conscious Relationship Podcast

www.ConsciousRelationshipPodcast.com

Conscious Relationship Article Bank

www.ConsciousRelationshipArticles.com

Tired of being alone? Get a Relationship Coach! Check out our coaches at: http://www.consciousdating.org/coach

NEW RELATIONSHIP? Congratulations in moving forward in your life partner quest! WHAT NOW?

Join PARTNERSINLIFE.ORG at http://www.PartnersInLife.org for cutting-edge information and resources for couples. You will be glad you did! Please share this with new couples that you care about.

Are you a coach or other helping professional who works with singles and couples? If you want to know more about adding the Conscious Dating Relationship Coaching tools to your professional toolbox, visit http://relationshipcoachinginstitute.com

Please share this newsletter with your single friends, family, and co-workers, and you can be a partner in their success, too!

Links to Us

Contact
Tara Alexandra Kachaturoff | Editor, ConsciousDating.org Newsletter for Singles tara@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com

Visit our website for singles at www.ConsciousDating.org and become a member (no charge)!

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