Conscious Dating Singles News, November 2006

Welcome!
This newsletter is designed especially for YOU
if you are single and ready to
"Find the Love of Your Life
AND the Life That You Love!"

Special Announcement

Conscious Dating Success Story of the Year Contest

For the one year anniversary of the publication of Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of your Life in Today's World on February 14, 2007 (Valentine's Day) we'll announce the results of our first annual-

Conscious Dating Success Story of the Year Contest

We're awarding an iPod loaded with 20 of our best Conscious Relationship Audio Programs ($369.00 value) to-

- Best male success story
- Best female success story
- Referrer of best male success story
- Referrer of best female success story

This means that if you know someone who could benefit from reading Conscious Dating, or someone who has read it and has a great success story, YOU can also get an iPod by referring them!

Submissions will be judged by the staff of Relationship Coaching Institute. To be eligible entrants must certify that they have read the Conscious Dating book. Current and past members and staff of Relationship Coaching Institute are not eligible to enter this contest. All submissions become property of Relationship Coaching Institute and by entering this contest entrants grant us permission to publish their story online and in print.

- Do you have a success story to share? Go immediately to www.consciousdating.com/contest.htm

- Know anyone with a success story to share? Please forward this announcement to them!

- Know a single who hasn't read Conscious Dating and is a success story in the making? With 6 months to go there is plenty of time to learn and apply the principles of Conscious Dating. Please send them to www.consciousdating.com

Let the contest begin!

Ask Our Coaches:
Is This a Red Flag?

This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to Tara@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com. She will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.

I started dating a guy about 2 months ago. I’m 32 and he’s 37. I haven’t dated for about a year – since my last breakup. John, the man I’m dating, broke up with his girlfriend about a year ago. Or did he? I’m beginning to wonder. We have some friends in common so we do end up attending events or parties where we see his ex-girlfriend.

Sometimes she’s with someone and sometimes she’s alone. Whenever she approaches us, he seems to distance himself from me – physically and emotionally. If he has his arm around me, he’ll put his arm down. If he’s holding my hand, he’ll let it go in front of her. Then I notice the conversation starts to shift to be “all about her.”

This is really bothering me. It’s as if he’s trying to “behave” himself. I’ve talked to him about this. He says I’m overreacting, that it’s nothing, and that he doesn’t recall doing these things. Sometimes he makes excuses such as, “Well, I needed to shake her hand,” or “I just wanted to take a drink and how could I do that without picking up the glass?”

He doesn’t want to show affection towards me in front of her. Is this a red flag? Should I move on? I’m tired of this and I’m certainly don’t believe his excuses. What do you think?

No, I really don’t see this as a “red flag”; it’s just an example of a man who is not over his ex-girlfriend. It doesn’t sound like he’s trying to hide something from you, but rather he’s just unaware of his feelings and actions. You, on the other hand, are very clear. His whole demeanor changes when she’s around. It appears to me that it’s important to you to have a “conscious” relationship. My question is how conscious is he and what is he looking for in a partnership?

Bethany, you have several choices. First, you can just ignore this and accept that he’s with you now and perhaps, over time, his feelings for his ex will dissipate. Second, you can tell him he needs coaching or counseling because clearly he’s not over her and that you don’t want to see anyone who’s still infatuated with someone else. Third, the two of you can go to coaching or counseling, together, to work through this issue. If he can’t step up and admit his feelings, if he continues to stay in denial, you won’t get very far.

You deserve to be number one in your man’s life. I think the choice you make will depend on how much you like this man. Is he fantastic and worth “fighting or waiting” for? Only you can decide that. Good luck.

Caroline responds …

Although a red flag is an indicator, we must not just see it waving in front of us and immediately avoid the water. Instead, we need to look at the water first. Then we need to decide if things can be or should be worked on. Your question is well stated. You say you’re fed up with the sudden change in the social temperature and that you do not believe his answers. I would say you are right.

Believe yourself, your senses and your good sense. Although you have waited a year before dating after your last serious relationship, I hope you will not wait before jumping in again, with your eyes wide open, as they are now. Good luck to you.

You’re just two months into a relationship—when supposedly everything is still new and wonderful. He’s distancing himself from you when around his old girlfriend. I’m afraid this scenario doesn’t bode well for your future.

I’m actually less concerned about John’s possible feelings for his former girlfriend and more concerned about the fact he won’t discuss this with you. In a healthy, mature relationship, each partner is passionate about the comfort and well-being of the other, and your boyfriend is not displaying that concern. You deserve a partner who will hear you when you’re in pain and who will talk through the issues with you, until you both feel heard and understood.

I suggest you use this as an opportunity to take a break from dating to get some clarity around your own requirements, needs, and wants. Find a good relationship coach who will help you do this powerful exploration, and who will help you use the laws of attraction to attract to you the partner you deserve. Best to you!

Relationship Readiness Quiz

Did you know you can take the Relationship Readiness Quiz at www.consciousdating.org? Simply sign up for a free membership to enjoy the quiz as well as other resources developed by RCI Founder and CEO, David Steele.

Feature Article:
Dating Red Flags #1-#8

Some single people say they don’t want to get married. I believe they have not met the right person yet. If you’re dating someone who says he or she doesn’t want to get married, listen closely. They might be telling you that you’re not the one for them. Don’t ignore it, or think you can change them.

If you’re in love with someone who doesn’t want to be married, you could be wasting your time and causing yourself unnecessary heartache. If you’re happy just dating this person, then by all means, stay where you are. If you want more out of the relationship than he or she is able to give, it’s time to consider moving on. This way you’ll be available when you meet the right person who can’t live without you.

Touching is a way of getting closer and more intimate with another person, and it will come as dating progresses. However, if you’re on a date with someone who touches you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, then tell him or her immediately. When it comes to your personal space, people need to be invited in. If they’re not invited, they need to leave. It's that simple. Someone who would touch you in such a manner, after you have asked them not to, should not be trusted. They are showing a lack of respect for you and are displaying behaviors that you should avoid. If they respect you and don’t touch you inappropriately again, he or she might have misread your signals, and perhaps, he or she deserves another chance. In any case, proceed with caution.

I like to call this red flag "just add water intimacy." We live in a culture that has little tolerance for delayed gratification, and unfortunately, it’s no different in the dating community. It’s easy for singles to get into the "urge to merge" mode and speak before they think.

Launching into conversations that include intimate details with previous lovers, financial and emotional challenges, and a laundry list of what one is looking for in a relationship seldom sets the tone for getting to know the other person. One may think this behavior promotes intimacy, but instead it’s more like pseudo-intimacy, where you actually believe you know the person after an hour of conversation.

How would you initiate a conversation with a new friend? Take the time to get to know someone just as you would with anyone with whom you would like to develop a friendship. Ask about their interests, their work, and their life experiences. Be curious about their goals and dreams. After all, aren’t romantic relationships really the ultimate friendship?

Technology creates extraordinary opportunities for global communication. Unfortunately, it also fosters illusions in the dating world. Constant contact via cell phone, e-mail or text messaging does not make a dating relationship real.

You miss the rich nuances of non-verbal communication. You think you’re getting closer, but in fact, this limited contact often fosters fantasy and disappointment if and when you do meet. One of the telltale signs of “terminal singlehood” is prospective couples who only communicate via the internet, or engage in long, drawn out phone conversations, but are reluctant to spend much in-person time with each other.

Keep phone conversations to a maximum of 30 minutes, combined with one or maybe two rounds of e-mails. If you’re not sure whether to meet the person after the initial “virtual contact,” the chances are you won’t end up meeting him or her. If your date insists on staying in “virtual dating” mode, my advice would be to move on. Next!

There are two ways to consider this red flag. First, humans are inconsistent and incongruent people. We say we want to lose weight and then we eat like crazy. In certain situations, some disconnect between words and actions is to be expected. At the same time, one of the ways we learn to trust someone is by looking at someone’s track record – that this person does what he or she says they are going to do, and with very few exceptions.

The important things to notice are their patterns over time. Does this person say one thing and do another? Does he or she make promises and then break them? Does this individual always place the blame for not coming through on someone or something else?

All of these things can be warning signs of a problem. Here’s the bottom line: If you have to choose between believing the words and believing the behavior, go with the behavior every time.

In my opinion, saying, “I love you” too soon in a relationship usually indicates one of two things. One possibility is that the words are being used to get something else, usually sex. The other possibility is that the words do not reflect the depth of meaning you think they do.

I tend to apply the four seasons approach to saying “I love you.” You need to know someone for at least four seasons (one year) before you can genuinely know someone well enough to say, “I love you.”

It’s so easy to get caught up in the wonderful feelings of a new relationship and mistake those feelings for love. While that isn’t the most romantic answer, I believe it’s the most realistic one. Saying “I love you” is a function of time, and it takes time to be able to say it and mean it.

Jealousy is a major red flag. Your family and friends are a large part of who you are; they bring richness, variety, and support to you. I can’t see any way to win if your partner wants you to cut them out of your life. It’s true that your partner must come first, but a relationship that has no room for others—or only room for your partner’s others—leaves you isolated and vulnerable.

I once had a friend whose new husband insisted that she limit her contact with her parents. Ultimately, she was driven to sneaking around and calling them from work. Not only did this place a huge burden on her, but it also established a lack of honesty between the two of them—definitely not an ideal foundation for a lasting relationship.

A relationship that is not, at its heart, based on total honesty, openness, and support cannot survive. Even more so, it’s typical behavior for an abuser to isolate his or her spouse from their support system. If you see this red flag in your partner, run like crazy!

Your partner might be addicted to drugs, alcohol, sex—or anything else. If your partner is addicted, he or she cares more about the addiction than about you. Living with an addicted partner is like living in a threesome: you, your partner, and the addiction, which, itself, takes on a life of its own.

In this threesome, you can never win. The addiction is always more seductive and more powerful than you or your partner. You’ll only have the leftovers. It is damaging and painful for you to come in as a distant third.

You deserve a partner who is whole, healthy, and able to give whole-heartedly to you and your relationship. Before committing to a partner, be sure that he or she is more in love with you than with something else.

Bonus Article:
Dating Red Flags- So What?

We might not agree on a specific definition for a dating red flag; but we can agree, in general, they’re not a good thing.

Dating red flags are behaviors you observe or experience in someone you're currently dating, which may cause you mental emotional or physical harm.

They’re not conducive to creating a long-term, happy, and sustainable relationship. These behaviors are often ignored by men and women who are eager to engage in a relationship, even when they may bring harm to themselves, and possibly, to others. The “others” include their family of origin, relatives, their own children, friends, and even coworkers.

For some reason some singles never seem to see them. While the red flags are big, impressive, oppressive, and waving in all their glory, they're still ignored. If you’re fortunate to have concerned and conscious family members and friends, maybe they’ll point out what they see. Maybe you’ll listen to them and take appropriate action. If this isn’t the case, learn as much about them through reading books, articles, and even consulting with a relationship coach or counselor. Talk to you’re your friends and family; actively seek out their advice.

Singles need to know about dating red flags for many reasons. In most cases, singles have summarily ignored them and the results haven’t been pleasant. Once you’ve started to make emotional ties to someone, it’s easier to ignore his or her inappropriate behavior. While red flags certainly aren’t the cause or blame for every disappointment, when they’re ignored, they tend to create very difficult circumstances. It’s so much easier to see the early signs and move on before becoming too involved.

Red flag behaviors are a poor foundation for a happy relationship. Life is filled with challenges. It can be hard enough to manage daily life when you're on your own, but add another person to the mix and you better have a solid foundation in place. Trying to build an enjoyable, meaningful and sustainable relationship with someone who demonstrates poor behavior is like trying to build a home, on stilts, in quicksand. Impossible!

Red flags can be dangerous. By definition, red flags can be damaging or even dangerous to your mental, emotional, or physical well-being. You are precious. Your life is precious. You deserve better. You do not need to accept or tolerate red flag behavior in your life.

Red flags can prove harmful to your family and friends. Your actions impact others. It's no different with red flag behaviors. Inappropriate or dangerous behavior can potentially spill over and affect your family, children, and friends with unintended consequences. It's important that you understand that everything you do impacts others in some way.

Red flags waste your time – your life time. You’re given two things in life -- time and choice. What you do with these two critical resources is up to you. Spending time in situations that aren’t enjoyable is a waste of your life's most precious assets.

Typically, red flags don't get better and they won’t go away, even if ignored. Where there’s one, there are typically others. Red flags don’t miraculously cure themselves or go away even if you do recognize them and try to discuss them with the offending partner. In fact, in some cases they can become worse because now the behavior has an acknowledging audience! That upon which you focus your attention, grows stronger. Don’t waste your time trying to fix someone. Steer clear. It’s not your job, it won’t work, and I can assure you he or she won’t want it. Lasting change comes from the inside, and not necessarily through any outside intervention.

Red flags poison your view of life and people; they can make it impossible to enjoy anything. The longer you’re around the poor behavior, the more likely you'll tolerate it, accept it, and in some cases, adopt it! What would have been shocking and unbelievable in the beginning of a relationship might end up being “in the daily course of life” a year later if you haven’t wised up and moved on by then.

An awareness of red flags empowers you. Learning about red flags and the strategies to avoid them will not only give you the knowledge to identify them, but also the power to do something about them -- namely to move on to find a happier, healthier relationship. Knowledge is power. It will help you to make better decisions for your life and for your life happiness.

You may have ignored red flags in the past. Maybe you didn’t have the courage to deal with them head on. You can change. Once you know more about some of the signs, you can identify them more quickly and move on to a better situation. Remember, your time is valuable; spend it wisely, and with the right people. Life is short. Make every minute count!

November 2006

Special Announcement

Ask Our Coaches:
Is This a Red Flag?

Relationship Readiness Quiz

Feature Article:
Dating Red Flags #1-#8

Bonus Article:
Dating Red Flags- So What?

Recommended Reading for Singles

Conscious Dating Resources

For More Information

Links to Us

November 2006

Special Announcement

Ask Our Coaches: Is This a Red Flag?

Relationship Readiness Quiz

Feature Article: Dating Red Flags #1-#8

Bonus Article: Dating Red Flags- So What?

Recommended Reading for Singles

Conscious Dating Resources

For More Information

Links to Us

Ask Our Coaches:
Is This a Red Flag?

Feature Article:
Dating Red Flags #1-#8

Bonus Article:
Dating Red Flags- So What?