This newsletter is
designed especially for YOU
if you are single and ready to
"Find the Love of Your Life
AND the Life That You Love!"
Finding the Love of
Your Life in Today's World
is now available for immediate
by top relationship experts!
Conscious Dating, David Steele provides a new concept for dating
and insightful advice, effective exercises and useful illustrations
that will help anyone who uses them make their journey to love
successful. We recommend this book to anyone looking for love.
Hendrix, Ph. D. and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph. D.,
co-authors of Receiving Love: Transform Your Relationship by Letting
Yourself Be Loved
dating can lead to disaster. Given
the serious effect of relationships gone awry, Conscious Dating is a
must-read for singles who want to make better relationship choices.
David Steele provides sound guidance and practical advice for today's
Love, Ed.D. Author, The
Truth About Love and Hot Monogamy
Steele has made a significant contribution to the world of relationships
by mapping two previously foreign countries- consciousness and dating,
bringing them together at last in this customized guide. Packed with
practical strategies that really work, Conscious Dating is THE book for
helping singles navigate the dating world.
and Kathlyn Hendricks,
authors of Conscious Loving and the new Spirit-Centered Relationships
book is filled with practical strategies that work.
Packed with solid advice, assessments and exercises, as well as
interesting stories, Conscious Dating is a book that will completely
change the way singles view dating and relating. A must-read for anyone
who wants to create his or her next great relationship.
Eschner Hogan, Author of
Intellectual Foreplay and How to Love Your Marriage
Too Fast for Me!
can't imagine calling someone my girlfriend after knowing her just a
This column answers
questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to
She will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue,
we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.
Month's Question: Too Fast for Me!
a 45 year old widower who has been dating off and on for the past
couple of years. I just got back from a 7-day vacation to Hawaii. I
went there with a large group of singles from a local singles group to
which I belong.
While on the vacation, I spent time with as many people as possible. We
went diving, on excursions around the islands and enjoyed many great
lunches and dinners together. On the last day of the trip, I started
talking more with one of the women in the group and thought we might
consider going out on a date once we returned to Chicago -- where we
We've gone out four times, but I'm already getting nervous about going
out again. Why? She's telling everyone, in the singles group we both
belong to, her other friends, probably anyone who will just listen,
that she has a boyfriend (meaning me!). I think this is really moving
much too quickly. I can't imagine calling someone my girlfriend after
knowing her just a few weeks.
dates we've been on have been really basic - coffee at a local eatery,
walk at the park, a visit to downtown Chicago. We haven't been
intimate, we haven't talked about any serious topics, and we haven't
gone out for dinners or movies.
What is the best way of handling this? I'm not dealing with someone
inexperienced with relationships (she's 41, divorced). I would think
most everyone should know it would be inappropriate to tell others they
have a boyfriend or girlfriend so early on.
don't want to hurt her feelings, but at the same time, I don't want her
broadcasting something like this all over the place. Should I just cut
things off and move on or what? And, since we're on the topic
… what do you suggest in the future for avoiding this
problem in the first place?
Rich from Pinehurst
Honesty is the way to go. I understand you don't want to hurt her and
you feel she’s moving too fast. So, think of a way to tell
her how you feel without offending her.
First, you need to figure out exactly what is bothering you. Is it that
you're not willing to be her boyfriend, not ready to be her boyfriend,
or is it that you're not ready to be a boyfriend to anyone?
clear on this, then have a heart to heart talk with her. You may even
consider modeling your conversation something like "When you (state the
behavior), I feel (state how you feel). I need you to (say what you
need her to do)."
As for your second question, Being honest right from the start is your
best option. When it comes from the heart and not your head, it sounds
more authentic. Don't be afraid to be very clear with your date about
where you stand with regard to your dating relationship.
You need to make sure that you are clear about what you truly want from
a dating relationship before you can communicate what you want to
Linda Robert | Coaching Plus, The Solution Lady
You’re wise to protect yourself by moving slowly. Your new
dating interest sounds as if she doesn’t receive a lot of
male attention, so she is now walking on air over the positive
validation you’ve given her.
If you so desire, feel free to give up on her. However, you could also
give her one more chance. Gently tell her something along the lines of,
“I feel as if this is moving much too quickly for me. I
prefer to go out with someone for a while and to know them better
before we decide if we want to become each other’s boyfriend
and girlfriend. I hope you’re okay moving slowly like this
with me. I’d like to see if we’re right for each
other before we call each other boyfriend or girlfriend.”
This approach would also work well on any first date. There is nothing
wrong with letting someone know your dating style up front, to prevent
misunderstandings from occurring later on. A savvy, centered woman will
take the hint and pace herself accordingly.
Honesty is the best
policy. When it comes to handling relationship issues it is important
to observe the behavior that isn’t working for you, but it is
also important to respond to it quickly. The longer it takes you to
address the issue, the more likely you won’t. You may also be
sending the message that you accept the behavior. If you
don’t handle the issue now, the result will be unhappiness
for you and more problems in the future.
My suggestion is to set up a time to meet with your new friend and
discuss where you are with regard to this relationship. Let her know
that what she is doing makes you uncomfortable and explain why. Ask her
to stop telling others that you are her boyfriend. If she agrees to
change her behavior to respect your needs and wants, then wait to see
In any case, make sure you think through what you will do if she
continues with the same unwanted behavior. Have a plan of action. If
she won’t respect your wishes now (a red flag), so early in
the dating process, the chances that she will later on is rather slim.
Tara Kachaturoff | www.relationshipplanning.com
Did you know you can take
the Relationship Readiness Quiz
Simply sign up for a free membership to enjoy the quiz as well as other
resources developed by RCI Founder and CEO, David Steele.
Kachaturoff | Editor
Five Basic Human Needs
by Deb Melton
"Someone to tell it to
is one of the fundamental needs of human beings."
Many of the people I talk
with have been married more than once and have had several long-term,
committed relationships. When they break up, it is understandably
painful and discouraging. Too often, I meet singles who just want to
give up. They conclude, "I just don't know if it's worth it," or "Maybe
I'm just not cut out for a relationship. Maybe I'm better off alone."
That being said, they
still have an urge to be a couple, which goes beyond sex and the need
for physical closeness. In the movie,
Shall We Dance, the character
played by Susan Sarandon, when asked a similar question about why
people want to be with one another, says, "Because we all need someone
to witness our lives." I think many of us can relate to this, however,
I think it goes deeper than that.
In his book, How
To Be An Adult in Relationship,
David Richo outlines five needs that all human beings have. The mistake
we make is thinking that when we grow up, when we become an adult, we
should no longer "need" anyone to fulfill our needs. Yet studies
continue to show that the healthiest and happiest people are those in
healthy and happy committed relationships. Why? I believe it is because
as human beings we have some needs that are best met by someone else.
Basic Human Needs
Attention means someone
else has an "engaged focus on you." There is something very validating
about that, something very soothing and nurturing that you cannot
really give to yourself.
Acceptance is when someone
accepts you as you are, with all your feelings, choices, personality
traits and so on, and doesn't try to change you, it’s very
seductive. Many people feel loved when they are accepted. It makes them
feel this person is safe enough to risk intimacy.
Appreciation gives depth to
acceptance. Examples include "I admire you. I delight in you. I prize
you. I acknowledge you. I appreciate you as unique." Appreciation
includes gratitude as well as a flow of giving and receiving. Studies
have also shown that one critical factor in whether couples stay
together, is that there must be at least a 5 to 1 ratio of appreciation
to complaints. Appreciation is very important! You can acknowledge
yourself and pat yourself on the back, but a word of appreciation from
someone you love and admire speaks volumes.
Affection is the most
challenging of the needs for the singles that I work with. It is the
one that they miss the most. Generally, we think of affection as
physical, and that is important. We know that babies will die if they
are not held and stroked by another human being. Physical affection
improves the immune system and has many health and psychological
The word affection comes
from affect, which means feeling. Therefore, affection refers to the
emotional as well as the physical. It includes kindness,
thoughtfulness, considerateness, playfulness and romantic gestures.
These are all expressions of love and we feel good when we give them to
someone else as well as when we receive them.
Allowing is the last human
need Richo discusses. When someone allows you to be 100% yourself, you
feel safe to reveal your deepest wishes, needs and dreams. It is
sharing that quality with another person, who also shares it with you,
that makes relationships worth the effort. This is where the richness
of life is truly revealed.
Copyright © 2006
by Deb Melton. All rights reserved.
Melton is a Certified Singles Coach, a Certified Fearless Living Coach
as well as a professional speaker and author. She can be reached at
303.986.2223 or through her website at http://www.denversinglescoach.com.
Life Lessons: Taking Relationships Slowly
by RCI Relationship
State of Mind
I believe when we are able to take things slowly in a relationship it
speaks to our state of mind. There is a correlation between how we feel
about ourselves and the relationships we choose. When we are feeling
good, we are able to enjoy the process of getting to know ourselves in
the context of a relationship.
By giving ourselves time in a relationship, we learn what we want, what
we like, what causes difficulty and what is truly important to us. Our
relationships are mirrors of what we put out to the world. When I look
back at each of the dating relationships I have been in, I can see that
each one has taught me something about myself I did not see before.
I believe each relationship brings us closer to knowing ourselves
better which will lead us to a more fulfilling and happy life.
Sue Kallen, LCSW | Relationship and Wellness Coach
Controlling the Pace
Controlling the pace of your courtship protects you from being hooked
on insufficient evidence. Misread signals or a yearning for validation
can throw you into bed with Mr. or Ms. Wrong and consequently plunge
you into an emotional abyss.
Moreover, premature sex with Mr. or Ms. Right may sabotage and destroy
your blossoming romance. Moving too fast can cause a fear of intimacy
to flare up, creating problems for both of you. The only way to feel
emotionally secure will be to push your new flame away, to create a
Value yourself enough to wait until both the person and the time are
right for physical intimacy to occur. Remind yourself that if you lose
someone because he or she wouldn’t wait more than a few dates
to have sex with you, you haven’t lost anyone worth keeping.
The bottom line in getting the love, validation and intimacy we
naturally crave, is to do it safely. You’ll stay safe if
before you form an emotional attachment, you first allow emotional
intimacy to grow between the two of you – and that takes time.
Take Your Time
Think about what
it’s like to drive a car fast. When you’re driving
fast, you miss a lot of the scenery along the way. Everything is a blur
as you race your car from somewhere to some place. And, if obstacles
appear ahead, it may be difficult for you to maneuver without causing
damage to your vehicle, to others, and to your self.
The same thing applies to
relationships. A relationship is not a destination. That being said,
there’s no race to get from here to there. Relationships are
a journey -- they are made of moments of sharing, caring, intimacy and
everything in between. When you move too quickly, you can jeopardize
your health, your wealth, and your happiness. You need to take your
time to see if someone is safe for you. Making snap decisions,
rearranging your life or lifestyle, or taking other actions to
accommodate a new found “would be” partner is
highly risky. Every day we hear about people doing this, often with
very unfortunate outcomes.
Going slow in a
relationship will allow you to get to know someone better.
You’ll have time to gauge and process your own thoughts and
feelings and to make better decisions because you’re giving
yourself the time and space to do so.
Each of you will benefit
because you can be more attentive to each other’s needs and
wants. If challenges arise, as they certainly will, it’s much
easier to respond to them because you can pay attention to
what’s going on. When you’re moving fast, you miss
things – often very obvious things. This being said, consider
it a red flag if someone wants to move quickly in a relationship. They
may be hiding something that later could prove to be harmful to one of
both of you.
In your next
relationship, take it slowly. There’s no race to win. The
object is to enjoy time together, to enjoy life’s moments.
You don’t get more of something just because you do it
faster. In fact, you can end up with a great deal less because you miss
the process, you miss the experience, and most of all, you miss the
opportunity to enjoy the time in your life.
Tara Kachaturoff | www.relationshipplanning.com
2006 ConsciousDating.org. All rights reserved.
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Monday, May 8, 2006, 7:00 – 10:00 pm
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Tara Alexandra Kachaturoff | Editor, ConsciousDating.org
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