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Ask
Our Coaches:
He's Cheap: Stay or Skate?
This column answers
questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to
Tara@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com.
She will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue,
we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.
This
Month's Question: He's Cheap: Stay or Skate?
Dear
Coaches,
I am a 27-year old, single, marketing analyst and he's a 35 year old,
single, attorney. Neither of us has been married before. I met my
boyfriend on Match.com about 3 months ago. We really hit it off. We
both "advertised" that we were looking to find someone who wanted a
committed relationship leading to marriage. Everything has been going
well for the most part. We have met the families and friends, we have a
lot in common, and we have similar goals for the future.
The
one thing I can't deal with is his being cheap. When we go out to
dinner, we always need to use a coupon. He scrutinizes receipts as if
everyone is trying to rip him off. He's always talking about this or
that when it comes to spending money. This behavior drives me nuts!
When
I was growing up, money was sparse and a difficult topic in our
household. So, from that standpoint, I understand my feelings around
it. I can't see myself dealing with this long-term and I definitely
couldn't handle it in marriage. Money seems to be bring out the
strangest behavior in some people -- and certainly so in my boyfriend.
Do you think I should talk to him about this? I know people don't
change. Do you think this is too big and too deep an issue to bother
with? Should I move on and cut my losses?
Lisa from San Diego
Marcia
responds …
You've run into a deal-breaker, and yes, you should move on. You
answered your own question when you said "the one thing I can't deal
with is his being cheap" and "I can't see myself dealing with this
long-term and I definitely couldn't handle it in marriage." There's
your answer.
Now, I have a question
for you: Do you really think he will ever change? Don't be afraid to
move on from a man who knows the price of everything and the value of
nothing.
Marcia Augustine | Dating
Coach
marcia.augustine@dairemount.com
| 770.499.8932
Janice
responds …
Singles need to determine
if the person they're dating has what I like to call "enduring
qualities." Some of these characteristics include honesty, kindness,
generosity, caring, loyalty, and trustworthiness. These attributes and
characteristics are essential for creating and sustaining a committed
relationship.
The man you're dating
sounds far from being generous, kind and trustworthy. You could tell
him how his behavior with money makes you feel and ask that he change.
However, even if he does, concerns about money might continue to be a
life-long challenge for him, and for whomever he marries. In the end,
it is up to you to determine if this behavior is acceptable to you
before considering a future together.
Janice D. Bennett, Ph.D. | www.DoctorLoveCoach.com
212.874.1470 | Janice@DoctorLoveCoach.com
Sandra
responds …
How wise of you to
consider your bottom-line requirements! When we ignore the most basic
elements of who we are and what we require in a relationship, we get
into trouble. Congratulations for being courageous and facing this
issue squarely.
Let me assure you that
people can change—if they care to and if what they are trying
to change is not one of their core traits. You say that you understand
why you feel the way you do about money, but it would be important for
both you and him to learn why he has such issues.
It would be useful to
discuss this with him, first, because this may be something that he has
never considered consciously before, and second, because he deserves to
know how he appears to others. If this is something he is willing to
work on, you might be able to salvage the relationship.
If reading my last
statement created a sinking feeling in your stomach, it could be that
you’re ready to leave this relationship for other reasons as
well. I wish you the best of luck as you deal with this issue.
Sandra Rohr | WellSprings
Coaching
sandy@wellspringscoaching.com
| 714.774.8540
Randy
responds …
There are two important
questions here:
1. How strong are your
feelings for him (and his for you)?
2. How capable are the both of you of changing your attitudes and
behaviors?
There's nothing wrong with using coupons, checking the bill, and
otherwise being frugal. This will help pay for a house, a car, or
possibly your children's education. On the other hand, it can be
overdone or be inappropriate if he is rude to you or to others when it
comes to this issue.
He may not be aware of your visceral reaction to money issues, and if
you were able to make him aware of it in a constructive way, there is a
possibility he would modify his behavior. Maybe there are opportunities
for compromise such as he brings the coupons and you check the bills.
All relationships have problems. Emotionally mature people who are
strongly interested in one another can and do change for the better.
Consider this as a test
to assess how much he is interested in you and the relationship and how
capable he is of dealing constructively with you on this issue. This is
a good testing ground to see how you both will be able to handle other
issues when they come along.
Randy Hurlburt | www.ConsciousDatingSanDiego.com
randy@consciousdatingsandiego.com
| 858.455.0799
Peter
responds …
Money issues are among
the top relationship issues that can drive a wedge between partners.
You seem to have a handle on your history, perspectives and feelings
around money. A wise approach might be for you and your partner to have
a frank discussion, with a professional coach if necessary, around your
individual feelings and attitudes around this topic. It sounds as if
both of you are responsible and accountable for your money; however,
you just show up in different ways when it comes to how you view
spending money.
Your conversation can reveal where the two of you agree and disagree
when it comes to your beliefs, feelings, and needs around money. First,
you need to find common ground around issues such as spending and
saving for the short and long term. Next, you might explore ways you
can support each other with other attitudes around money, in a way that
respects each other’s views.
All
along, it is important that both of you respect and support each
other’s needs. Such a conversation could be the start of a
wise investment in both your financial well-being and your relationship
together.
Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. | SpiritHeart: Integrated Coaching
pvajda@spiritheart.net
| 770.804.9125
Top
Relationship
Readiness Quiz
Did you know you can take
the Relationship Readiness Quiz
at
www.consciousdating.org?
Simply sign up for a free membership to enjoy the quiz as well as other
resources developed by RCI Founder and CEO, David Steele.
Tara Alexandra
Kachaturoff | Editor
Feature Article
Ten Things You Can Do
Right Now To Find Your Perfect Mate
by David Steele
CEO & Founder, Relationship Coaching Institute
1.
Start by losing the losers
If you want to find
your soul mate, you must be available and not involved with people who
aren't right for you.
2.
OK, available now? Next... are you "ready?"
Do you have any
unfinished business that might sabotage your next relationship? Get it
handled now!
3.
Next, make a list your top five requirements
Your requirements are
the “must haves” in your relationship, otherwise
you would not enter into the relationship or you would leave if you
were in it. Make a list of your non-negotiable deal-breakers and vow
not to get involved with anyone who doesn't meet all five. Share your
list with your closest friends and make them swear to tell you the
truth and to lock you up if you get off-track.
4. Good job. Now, let's get crystal
clear
about this "dating" thing
If you want to avoid the
deadly dating traps, focus on these Four
Steps for Conscious Dating:
•
Scouting: This is the
process of finding compatible people to meet, whether through internet
dating sites, through friends, through getting out there, etc.
•
Sorting: This is about
quickly determining if someone you meet has potential. You’ll
need to have your top five requirements handy.
•
Screening: This step is
concerned with collecting enough information about the other person to
determine if your requirements would be met.
•
Testing: This step involves
dating a few times so that you can compare the reality with the
information you gathered.
That's it... nothing
more, nothing less. No "trial" relationships, no fun flings -- just
these four steps.
5. Get support
Don't do this alone.
Dating can be scary and isolating, and your friends and family can be
your safety net to help you stay on track.
6. Work it!
Most people meet their
soul mate through someone they already know, so let people know you're
looking for someone and network like crazy.
7. Be positive and happy
Success breeds success,
just as misery loves company. It’s your choice.
8. Be the Chooser!
Go after what you want
and don't simply react to what or who chooses you.
9. Be assertive!
If you settle for less,
you'll get less. Ask for what you want and say "no" to what you don't
want.
10. Live a great life NOW while you're
single
"If you build it, they
will come" (from the movie "Field of Dreams").
©2006 by David
Steele. All rights reserved in all media.
David
Steele, MA, LMFT is founder of Relationship Coaching Institute and
author of the ground-breaking new book for singles Conscious
Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life in Today's World.
www.consciousdating.com
Top
Dating
Lessons
Lesson
#1: When Searching for Mr. or Ms. Right, Look Out for Mr. or Ms. Wrong!
The qualities of Mr. or Ms. Wrong versus Mr. or Ms. Right center on key
relationship issues. Some of these include addictions, violence and
other destructive habits, emotional and financial stability,
reciprocity in meeting mutual needs, your partner’s
relationship with your family and friends, and his or her attitude
toward committed relationships and marriage.
A marriageable partner, a
Mr. or Ms. Right, has positive characteristics in all these areas
(doesn’t abuse drugs or alcohol, gets along well with your
family, etc.). A less-than-suitable Mr. or Ms. Wrong possesses negative
characteristics in these areas (takes illegal drugs or picks constant
fights with you).
Enjoy the attention you
receive when beginning a new relationship, but don’t fall for
that attention until you get to know the other person better. If you
look out for deal-breaking traits from the very start of your
relationship, you’ll will protect your emotions and allow
yourself to open your heart to the right person.
Marcia Augustine |www.emotionalwavelengths.com
marcia.augustine@dairemount.com
| 770.499.8932
Lesson #2: Know When
to Say No!
When you were two years old, you had no trouble saying
“no” and with every fiber of your being. As adults,
we have lost the ability to stand up for ourselves, even though that
two-year-old still exists inside of us. The key to knowing when to say
“no” is to tune into that inner child. Feeling
tightness in your stomach? Experiencing frequent headaches? Are you in
situations that leave you feeling used or unappreciated? These are
clues that it is time to pay attention to your feelings.
While I
wouldn’t suggest that you scream “no”
like a two year old, try standing up for yourself. Consider what makes
you uncomfortable and ask yourself what resolution you would like.
Write down some responses that you can deliver calmly. Then find a good
friend with whom to practice your delivery. It is your responsibility
to take care of yourself and to meet your own needs first. Learn how to
say “no” to wrong situations, so you can say
“yes” to the right ones.
Sandra Rohr | WellSprings Coaching
sandy@wellspringscoaching.com
| 714.774.8540
Lesson #3:
Relationship Red Flags
An acquaintance recently got divorced from her second husband. He was
an alcoholic and a gambler who lost all their savings playing video
poker games. Didn't she know before the wedding that he liked to gamble
and drink? Yes, but she thought he would change after they got married.
His drinking and gambling were red flags that she ignored while dating.
Many singles don't pay
attention to the red flags waving in front of them. They ignore the
warning signs, hoping the person will change and the red flags will go
away. However, this rarely happens.
When we're in love we can
be blind to relationship red flags. This is where friends and family
can help. Introduce your date to them early on in the process. Then,
pay attention to what they have to say. Your friends and family know
you well and can often spot red your relationship red flags well before
you do.
Kathy Stafford |
kathy@relationshipsuccessexperts.com
| 704.795.9596
Lesson #4: In the
Meantime, Enjoy Your Life
In earlier times, young girls embroidered linens for their hope chest.
Every year, they added to the piles of linens to take with them into
wedded bliss. But, what about those who never married? Did the linens
simply stay in the hope chest until they disintegrated? Applying this
to single men and women: What about those who decide they can never be
happy alone -- those who buy into the lie that they are not enough by
themselves?
Sadly, when we accept
this defeatist attitude, not only do we fail to enjoy the life we have,
but also we are far less likely to attract a partner. So what do we do?
Get out there and live! Create a delicious, fabulous, gorgeous, and
satisfying life. Pursue your passions with passion. Seek out and join
groups of people who love what you love. Expand your circle of friends.
Travel. Take lessons. Volunteer. Take yoga. Throw parties. Get high on
life. When that special partner does appear, he or she will be the
absolute icing on the cake! Go for life!
Sandra Rohr | WellSprings Coaching
sandy@wellspringscoaching.com
| 714.774.8540
Top
Conscious
Dating Resources
Visit our website at
http://www.ConsciousDating.org
and join for FREE
cutting-edge information and tools for finding the love of your life,
including:
-
Register for our
5-Day e-Program for Singles, "How To Find Your Life Partner"
-
Take our proprietary
Relationship Readiness Quiz
-
Listen to outstanding
audio programs such as "Find the Love of Your Life AND The Life That
You Love" and "Conscious Dating for Relationship Success"
-
Access our Knowledge
Bank for innovative relationship tools, strategies and concepts
-
Check out our
talented RCI-trained Relationship Coaches at
http://www.ConsciousDating.org/coach
Top
Conscious
Dating Coaches Around the World
The following are classes
for singles being offered by Certified and Master RCI Coaches (trained
by and affiliated with Relationship Coaching Institute). Some are
offered locally, and some are teleclasses that you can join from
wherever you are!
TELE-SEMINARS
Ten Things You Can
Do Right Now to Find Your Perfect Mate
(Group Discussion)
When: Tuesday, March 14, 2006, 8:00 – 9:00 pm EST
Where: Teleclass, send a blank email to teleseminar0314@aweber.com
to register
Contact: Tara Alexandra Kachaturoff,
Master Certified Relationship Coach for Singles
www.relationshipplanning.com, 248.723.1926
Love's Fire -
Eternal Journey
Description: Join world-famous author Tianna Conte-Dubs in an intensely
personal look into what soulmates really are, and how to re-invent
yourself from the ashes of a significant relationship broken by divorce
or death.
When: Wednesday, March 15, 10:30 PM Eastern Time (7:30 PM Pacific Time)
Where: Teleclass, Call-in number: 865-362-4250 and the caller pin is
7947#
Contact: Randy Hurlburt, randy@ConsciousDatingSanDiego.com,
858.455.0799
Top
For
More Information
ConsciousDating.org, a
resource for singles offered by Relationship Coaching Institute, is a
worldwide relationship coaching organization dedicated to helping you
'find the love of your life AND the life that you love'. For more
information about us, please visit our web site at
http://www.consciousdating.org

Free
Conscious
Relationship Resources
www.ConsciousRelationshipResources.com
Conscious Relationship
Tele-Seminar Series
March 9: Marry
Yourself First with Ken
Donaldson
April 13: Secrets
of Married Men with Scott
Haltzman
May
11: Creating
Love Beyond Words with Pat Love
www.ConsciousRelationshipSeminars.com
Conscious Relationship Podcast
www.ConsciousRelationshipPodcast.com
Conscious Relationship Article Bank
www.ConsciousRelationshipArticles.com
Tired of being alone? Get
a Relationship Coach! Check out our coaches at:
http://www.consciousdating.org/coach
NEW RELATIONSHIP?
Congratulations in moving forward in your life partner quest! WHAT NOW?
Join PARTNERSINLIFE.ORG
at
http://www.PartnersInLife.org
for cutting-edge information and resources for couples. You will be
glad you did! Please share this with new couples that you care about.
Are you a coach or other
helping professional who works with singles and couples? If you want to
know more about adding the Conscious Dating Relationship Coaching tools
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http://relationshipcoachinginstitute.com
Please share this
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can be a partner in their success, too!
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Links
to Us
Contact
Tara Alexandra Kachaturoff | Editor, ConsciousDating.org
Newsletter for Singles
tara@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com
Visit
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www.ConsciousDating.org
and
become a member for Free!
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