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Copyright 2006 by ConsciousDating.org
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This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to Tara@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com. She will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.
This Month's Question: He's Cheap: Stay or Skate?
The one thing I can't deal with is his being cheap. When we go out to dinner, we always need to use a coupon. He scrutinizes receipts as if everyone is trying to rip him off. He's always talking about this or that when it comes to spending money. This behavior drives me nuts!
I was growing up, money was sparse and a difficult topic in our
household. So, from that standpoint, I understand my feelings around
it. I can't see myself dealing with this long-term and I definitely
couldn't handle it in marriage. Money seems to be bring out the
strangest behavior in some people -- and certainly so in my boyfriend.
Do you think I should talk to him about this? I know people don't
change. Do you think this is too big and too deep an issue to bother
with? Should I move on and cut my losses?
Now, I have a question for you: Do you really think he will ever change? Don't be afraid to move on from a man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
Marcia Augustine | Dating
Janice responds …
Singles need to determine if the person they're dating has what I like to call "enduring qualities." Some of these characteristics include honesty, kindness, generosity, caring, loyalty, and trustworthiness. These attributes and characteristics are essential for creating and sustaining a committed relationship.
The man you're dating
sounds far from being generous, kind and trustworthy. You could tell
him how his behavior with money makes you feel and ask that he change.
However, even if he does, concerns about money might continue to be a
life-long challenge for him, and for whomever he marries. In the end,
it is up to you to determine if this behavior is acceptable to you
before considering a future together.
Sandra responds …
How wise of you to consider your bottom-line requirements! When we ignore the most basic elements of who we are and what we require in a relationship, we get into trouble. Congratulations for being courageous and facing this issue squarely.
Let me assure you that people can change—if they care to and if what they are trying to change is not one of their core traits. You say that you understand why you feel the way you do about money, but it would be important for both you and him to learn why he has such issues.
It would be useful to discuss this with him, first, because this may be something that he has never considered consciously before, and second, because he deserves to know how he appears to others. If this is something he is willing to work on, you might be able to salvage the relationship.
If reading my last statement created a sinking feeling in your stomach, it could be that you’re ready to leave this relationship for other reasons as well. I wish you the best of luck as you deal with this issue.
Sandra Rohr | WellSprings
Randy responds …
There are two important questions here:
1. How strong are your
feelings for him (and his for you)?
Consider this as a test
to assess how much he is interested in you and the relationship and how
capable he is of dealing constructively with you on this issue. This is
a good testing ground to see how you both will be able to handle other
issues when they come along.
Peter responds …
Money issues are among
the top relationship issues that can drive a wedge between partners.
You seem to have a handle on your history, perspectives and feelings
around money. A wise approach might be for you and your partner to have
a frank discussion, with a professional coach if necessary, around your
individual feelings and attitudes around this topic. It sounds as if
both of you are responsible and accountable for your money; however,
you just show up in different ways when it comes to how you view
along, it is important that both of you respect and support each
other’s needs. Such a conversation could be the start of a
wise investment in both your financial well-being and your relationship
Relationship Readiness Quiz
Did you know you can take the Relationship Readiness Quiz at www.consciousdating.org? Simply sign up for a free membership to enjoy the quiz as well as other resources developed by RCI Founder and CEO, David Steele.
Kachaturoff | Editor
Ten Things You Can Do Right Now To Find Your Perfect Mate
by David Steele
2. OK, available now? Next... are you "ready?"
3. Next, make a list your top five requirements
4. Good job. Now, let's get crystal clear about this "dating" thing
If you want to avoid the deadly dating traps, focus on these Four Steps for Conscious Dating:
That's it... nothing more, nothing less. No "trial" relationships, no fun flings -- just these four steps.
5. Get support
6. Work it!
7. Be positive and happy
8. Be the Chooser!
9. Be assertive!
10. Live a great life NOW while you're single
©2006 by David Steele. All rights reserved in all media.
Steele, MA, LMFT is founder of Relationship Coaching Institute and
author of the ground-breaking new book for singles Conscious
Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life in Today's World.
#1: When Searching for Mr. or Ms. Right, Look Out for Mr. or Ms. Wrong!
A marriageable partner, a Mr. or Ms. Right, has positive characteristics in all these areas (doesn’t abuse drugs or alcohol, gets along well with your family, etc.). A less-than-suitable Mr. or Ms. Wrong possesses negative characteristics in these areas (takes illegal drugs or picks constant fights with you).
Enjoy the attention you receive when beginning a new relationship, but don’t fall for that attention until you get to know the other person better. If you look out for deal-breaking traits from the very start of your relationship, you’ll will protect your emotions and allow yourself to open your heart to the right person.
wouldn’t suggest that you scream “no”
like a two year old, try standing up for yourself. Consider what makes
you uncomfortable and ask yourself what resolution you would like.
Write down some responses that you can deliver calmly. Then find a good
friend with whom to practice your delivery. It is your responsibility
to take care of yourself and to meet your own needs first. Learn how to
say “no” to wrong situations, so you can say
“yes” to the right ones.
Lesson #3: Relationship Red Flags
An acquaintance recently got divorced from her second husband. He was an alcoholic and a gambler who lost all their savings playing video poker games. Didn't she know before the wedding that he liked to gamble and drink? Yes, but she thought he would change after they got married. His drinking and gambling were red flags that she ignored while dating.
Many singles don't pay attention to the red flags waving in front of them. They ignore the warning signs, hoping the person will change and the red flags will go away. However, this rarely happens.
When we're in love we can be blind to relationship red flags. This is where friends and family can help. Introduce your date to them early on in the process. Then, pay attention to what they have to say. Your friends and family know you well and can often spot red your relationship red flags well before you do.
Kathy Stafford |
Lesson #4: In the Meantime, Enjoy Your Life
In earlier times, young girls embroidered linens for their hope chest. Every year, they added to the piles of linens to take with them into wedded bliss. But, what about those who never married? Did the linens simply stay in the hope chest until they disintegrated? Applying this to single men and women: What about those who decide they can never be happy alone -- those who buy into the lie that they are not enough by themselves?
Sadly, when we accept
this defeatist attitude, not only do we fail to enjoy the life we have,
but also we are far less likely to attract a partner. So what do we do?
Get out there and live! Create a delicious, fabulous, gorgeous, and
satisfying life. Pursue your passions with passion. Seek out and join
groups of people who love what you love. Expand your circle of friends.
Travel. Take lessons. Volunteer. Take yoga. Throw parties. Get high on
life. When that special partner does appear, he or she will be the
absolute icing on the cake! Go for life!
Visit our website at http://www.ConsciousDating.org and join for FREE cutting-edge information and tools for finding the love of your life, including:
The following are classes for singles being offered by Certified and Master RCI Coaches (trained by and affiliated with Relationship Coaching Institute). Some are offered locally, and some are teleclasses that you can join from wherever you are!
ConsciousDating.org, a resource for singles offered by Relationship Coaching Institute, is a worldwide relationship coaching organization dedicated to helping you 'find the love of your life AND the life that you love'. For more information about us, please visit our web site at http://www.consciousdating.org
Tired of being alone? Get a Relationship Coach! Check out our coaches at: http://www.consciousdating.org/coach
NEW RELATIONSHIP? Congratulations in moving forward in your life partner quest! WHAT NOW?
Join PARTNERSINLIFE.ORG at http://www.PartnersInLife.org for cutting-edge information and resources for couples. You will be glad you did! Please share this with new couples that you care about.
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Copyright 2006 by ConsciousDating.org. All rights reserved. Feel free to share this with others as long as our contact information and authorship is included.