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Copyright 2005 by ConsciousDating.org
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This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to Tara@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com. She will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.
This Month's Question: What’s the Next Step?
I loved being married and want to meet the right woman to enjoy that experience once again and for the rest of my life. I’ve tried all sorts of dating venues, blind dates, friends fixing me up, and everything for singles at my church. I’ve always made time for others even though I have a demanding job.
Until now, I’ve felt confident about the things I’ve done, the plans I’ve made, and the successes I’ve achieved. Now, for the first time, I find myself not experiencing success. I don’t know what to do and actually feel at a loss as to the next step to take.
I’m starting to wonder… do you think that sometimes it just isn’t meant to be? Am I meant to be single for the rest of my life and disappointed that I cannot share all that I have with a special woman? What’s the next step?
Brendan from Boston
Janice responds …
While I'm sure others
will suggest ways to stay positive and motivated in your search for a
life partner, I want to draw your attention to another issue I believe
relevant to your dating endeavors -- the
seduction of work.
Staying focused on dating
is especially challenging if you’re frequently invited to
participate in professional projects promising greater gratification.
So rather than continue to be discouraged and frustrated by dating, you
might be tempted to fill your life with more work.
You can enjoy the experience of a loving marriage if that’s what you want. To accomplish your goal, you’ll need to approach your search for your new partner with the same kind of conscious effort that you use in your law practice.
First, you need to be introspective to determine who you are and what you really want in a partner. In exploring your wants, it may help to think about the things you really loved about your late wife--as well as the things you may not have loved so much. With that information, create a picture of the kind of partner you want.
Rather than being open ended in dating, focused on places where you are likely to meet such a person. For example, if you value someone who appreciates the arts, spend time at arts events. These are the types of carefully planned steps that we teach through our Conscious Dating coaching programs. Believe in yourself and what you have to offer in a relationship, and then focus your search.
Mike responds …
My observation is that dating is a numbers game. The bad news is that if you are as "picky" as most of us are (and ought to be) you'll need to meet hundred of gals before you meet the one you're likely to spend the rest of your life with. The good news is she'll be worth the work and the wait.
For example, if I lined up a hundred attractive gals in front of you, you'd likely say they're all attractive, but you'd probably be attracted to only a couple of them. It's the mystical “chemistry” thing.
Now for my encouragement. Title this new chapter of your life something like, "Meet as many wonderful women as possible, and enjoy every moment and memory." Focus less on the long-term goal, (which is probably making you feel like a failure) and more on enjoying each woman with whom you get to meet and spend time. With this approach, your life will be filled with wonderful experiences and discoveries each and every Friday night -- and one of these Friday nights you may just be in for a wonderful surprise.
Nan responds …
You’ve described yourself as an attractive, social, widower with a successful, demanding career, active in your church and community, who will be unhappy unless you re-marry for the rest of your life.
All the activities you’ve described above involve searching for another wife. The Law of Attraction seems to make it necessary to be a successful single before you can truly find happiness in your next relationship. How can you create a life you love as a single?
You mentioned you always make time for others. What about time for yourself? What are you passionate about doing or learning? Are you trying new experiences, to bring joy and happiness back into your life? On the other hand, is your pursuit of finding a new life partner blocking you from developing your own fulfilling and happy life? Instead of focusing on the fear of never finding that special someone, focus on how you can create a life you love, even if you never find her.
Try new experiences that don’t involve dating, and really start living and loving yourself and your life. You’ll find that your outlook will change, you’ll widen your circle of contacts and friendships, and you’ll increase your chances of attracting the person who will meet your requirements and needs and who could potentially become your new life partner. Don’t be discouraged and never give up.
Nan Einarson | Life and
Lori responds …
I definitely hear that you are ready and wanting to meet a great woman to share your life and dreams. However, you may have missed a step in going from being a widower to seeking true love.
Have you had an opportunity to examine, in depth, who you are, to really uncover your passions, dreams and desires? Besides work, are you living a lifestyle aligned with the type of woman you want to attract in your life? If this seems uncomfortable or odd to you, you may wish to seek the assistance of a coach. Take some time to get clear about your life vision and then create the "special woman" you want to attract in your life. Sometimes just having the clarity of what you really want makes all the difference in the world.
Relationship Readiness Quiz
Did you know you can take the Relationship Readiness Quiz at www.consciousdating.org? Simply sign up for a free membership to enjoy the quiz as well as other resources developed by RCI Founder and CEO, David Steele.
by Sandra Rohr, M.A.Another year has come and gone, and you’re still single. Maybe, you’ve spent another holiday pining for those beautiful holiday dreams. No decorating the tree together, no warm cuddling by the fire, no searching for that special gift, no kisses at the stroke of midnight on New Year’s eve. The holidays may have been bleak and lonely for you, and you may have found yourself singing “Blue Christmas” instead of “Winter Wonderland.”
Now what? Well, it is that time of year for New Year’s resolutions. This year, try some resolutions that are guaranteed to give you a brand new outlook on life and which will speed you on your quest to being a successful single.
First, try an attitude adjustment. When we’ve created a truly meaningful life, with a partner or not, we focus more easily on the blessings we do have, rather than on what we don’t have.
When I was at the lowest place in my life, I heard that keeping a gratitude journal would change my life. Since it really needed some changing, I decided to go for it. Each day, I listed five things for which I was grateful—and trust me, some days, it was a real effort to find those five things! But I persisted, and my life began to change. Acknowledging what we are grateful for allows us to change our perception of the existing moment. It allows us to be happier right now. A grateful heart actually draws good things into our lives. Practice being truly grateful, and see how this changes your life.
Second, with your new attitude firmly in place, spend some time considering the singing-the-blues-traps that are likely to snare you in the coming days. When are you most likely to feel blue? Weekends? Valentine’s Day? Your birthday?
In the past, you may have stepped squarely into one or more of these traps and found yourself caught in a deep funk because you lacked a partner to share the good times with. This year, your goal is to sidestep these potential traps to fill your life with joy.
Consider some of these following possibilities for the upcoming year:
Third, grab a copy of the calendar section of your local newspaper and create your own list of possibilities. Don’t stop until you have listed at least 20 items. If you’re unable to think of anything for your list, it is surely time to engage the services of a capable relationship coach, one who can help you see possibilities in your life.
Next, start calling family and friends to join you in some meaningful, fun activities.
Finally, take a look at the list you’ve created. You’ll see that the items on that list include much of what you need in your life in order to be a successful single, a powerful key to attracting the best things and the best people to you. If you’re engaged in things you love, the people you meet will be enjoying these same interests. You never know who you might meet!
In short, be proactive. Anticipate the difficult moments and find a way to fill your life with love and joy so that you find yourself singing, instead, “Oh What a Beautiful Morning!”
© 2005 by Sandra Rohr. All rights reserved.
Sandra Rohr, M.A. is a certified Life Purpose Coach and relationship coach, who specializes in helping singles connect with their life partner
Featuring Relationship Coaching Institute Coaches
In 2006 … As a Conscious Single, I resolve
… that whenever I feel fear get in the way, I will reframe fear to mean forward. This energy will attract the results I desire.
Louise Rouse | email@example.com | 541.846.0661
In 2006… As a Conscious Single, I resolve
… to use my special list that includes my requirements for a great, spiritual partnership, when looking for my mate,
… to not get caught up in feeling deprived or lonely and settling for less than the conscious-spiritual partnership I deserve,
… to be open to love, to be vulnerable and trusting and not allow past hurts and fears to interfere with current relationships, and
… most of all, to love myself first and foremost and to live my own life with courage, love and passion.
In 2006… As a Conscious Single, I resolve
… to let go of the past and live in the present,
… to live life with intentionality,
… to let go of what others think and not take anything said personally (it’s about them, not me), and
… to be grateful for everything I already have.
Tara Kachaturoff | www.relationshipplanning.com
Featuring Relationship Coaching Institute Coaches
Lesson #4: Be Kind and True to Yourself
If you’re single again, eventually you begin to think about dating. I suggest you take your time. Use this precious opportunity to rediscover yourself. Think of this time in your life as an adventure to explore the real you. Why is this so important? After the transition of becoming single again, we are often filled with doubts. We question ourselves about what is right, what to do or how we feel. Should I or shouldn’t I? It seems difficult to make a decision.
Start by honoring yourself. Listen to your heart. What feels right? What doesn’t feel quite right? If a situation does not feel right, honor your resistance by pausing or waiting. Sometimes waiting is the best thing to do. By waiting, you may have allowed the situation to unfold more easily without having to worry! If a decision feels good or right, usually that means you are heading in the right direction. When we listen to our hearts, we are in integrity with ourselves. When we are in integrity with ourselves, we learn to say NO more easily. Becoming single again can be an exciting time in your life. Be gentle with yourself. Honor yourself and listen to your heart!
Lesson #5: Have a Dating Exit Strategy
All too often, dating relationships continue longer than one or both of the daters really want because neither person knows how to end the relationship with grace. Having a pre-planned exit strategy is a kindness to the other person to help avoid false hope. When it's over, it's over. Both your time and his/hers are better spent meeting other people instead of fumbling for a way out.
Remember, all your future relationships will end, except for the last one. Why not be prepared? The first time you realize that your requirements will not be met, try this: you can say, "I think you're a really great person, but I don't think we're a good match". If you rehearse this at home as a Hollywood actor would, you'll be more comfortable when you have to "say your lines" to the other person. You never know, but that date you let down gently, may become a future referral source for meeting someone who is right for you.
Lesson #6: Be Authentic
Character is who you are at 4 a.m. in the morning, when no one is watching you. Authenticity means showing up, in character, in your relationships, as the person you really are,- not as an imposter, not wearing masks, not taking on a false persona, not being driven by an ego that says you must be different from your true self.
Authenticity means not reflecting a personality or a self- image that is dictated by someone "outside your self", e.g., your family, your friends, society, the media, reality TV, or your own ego. Authenticity means not being driven by sabotaging needs for control, recognition and security. Authenticity means showing up, in mind, body and spirit, as you, with your own internal set of sincere feelings, emotions, and moods.
When you show up as less than "100% you", the Law of Attraction says you will attract others who are less authentic. You must be the authenticity you expect in others. Being authentic, you will attract others who are authentic -- - a wonderful way to connect in relationship.
© 2005 by ConsciousDating.org / All rights reserved.
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Friday evening 7-10 and Saturday 9-4pm, January 27-28, 2006
Contact: Deb Melton, 303.986.2223
12 Dating Traps :
Thursday, January 26, 2006, 7:00 – 9:30 pm
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