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Copyright 2006 by ConsciousDating.org
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This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to Tara@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com. She will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.
This Month's Question: Husband Wanted: Running Out of Time
Ken responds …
There is nothing wrong with wanting children! Ignore your friends' criticisms and hold fast to your dreams. For many people parenthood is an important part of their role and purpose in life.
One way to get your questions answered without sounding desperate is to ask your date about his vision for his future. If all goes well in the next five years, what will his life look like? Where would he live? What would he be doing professionally? What things might he want to accomplish? Does he want to marry some day? Have children? Rather than telling him what you want, allow him to talk about himself and his dreams.
To find potential partners, think about where men who want children might work or spend their leisure time. Teachers and others in helping professions might be more inclined towards having a family and children. Perhaps there are volunteer or other organizations in your area that focus on kids. The key is finding venues of kindred spirits. Also, consider men who already have one child but who might want more.
Remember to have a positive attitude and the Law of Attraction will help you- "what you believe you can achieve."
Sandra responds …
You do sound a little desperate and that is always a put-off. It’s not a compliment to a man to want to marry him just for children. How would you feel if someone wanted to marry you for anything less than love?
Longing for a family is a legitimate desire. So, what can you do to fill that need? You might consider adoption. Many children are in need of loving homes, if you are willing to accept a slightly older child rather than a baby. Or perhaps, you could fill that need by being a foster parent. Maybe you could volunteer to work with children. The key is finding creative ways to take care of your own needs, rather than just hoping to be rescued by a man.
Keep in mind that as we find better ways of living our own lives and meeting our own needs, we’ll actually increase our chances of meeting someone who would like to do that along with us.
Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. |
SpiritHeart: Integrated Coaching
Relationship Readiness Quiz
Did you know you can take the Relationship Readiness Quiz at www.consciousdating.org? Simply sign up for a free membership to enjoy the quiz as well as other resources developed by RCI Founder and CEO, David Steele.
Kachaturoff | Editor
Soon it will be
Valentine's Day. Not everyone has a special
someone with whom they can share this time. However, that doesn't mean
you need to stay home or be alone. We asked our RCI coaches to make
some suggestions as to how you might spend this day and celebrate its
Valentine's Day reminds us of
To live fulfilling, healthy lives, and to be a
good partner with another person, we need to love ourselves first.
Valentine's Day is all about honoring love. Spend the day being grateful for all the love that you have already in your life. You might also want to spend some time envisioning your life as having all of the love that you could possibly want. How many different ways have you been loved in your life? How many different ways would you like to be loved? And, most importantly, how can you show and share love with others?
Michael Murray | Profound
Love is not just for couples, it’s for everyone. Don’t define yourself by your relationship status. Make Valentine’s Day have its own meaning for you. Focus on the positive things that are going well in your life. Plan an evening out with friends or family, select your favorite outfit, your favorite restaurant and celebrate you and the love you already have in your life. If you plan to stay home, enjoy a pampering activity like a spa treatment, a makeover, a girl’s or guy’s night in. If you have children, plan a special activity, meal or evening celebrating the love you share.
Treat yourself special.
Buy yourself a bouquet of your
favorite flowers or that special item that you’ve had your
on. If you’re single and want to create a love relationship,
one of many resources and tools available at ConsciousDating.org to
help you on the journey to creating the relationship of your dreams!
9 Secrets to Living
When you go through a divorce*, almost everything changes -- your daily routine, social connections, finances, living arrangements, time with your children, even your identity. You might be glad to just survive from one day to the next. Is it enough to stay in this survival mode? How do you turn the corner and begin to thrive?
* The term "divorce" applies to the break-up or ending of any long-term committed relationship, including same-sex unions, and common-law and traditional marriages.
SECRET #1: Accept What Is.
Are you spending a lot of
time, or any time wishing things
were different? Do you keep focusing on how you think things
“should” be? Stop struggling with what you think
is supposed to be like. It is the way it is. When you stop fighting
reality, you can use more energy to take action and live the life you
want to live. When you’re able to accept your life the way it
exists in the moment, you create the freedom to open up to the infinite
possibilities of how your life CAN be.
Your life is your responsibility, no one else's. You have no control over what happens to you, or what someone else does to you, but you do have control over how you respond. Taking 100% responsibility for your actions and responses means you have to remain in integrity.
Staying stuck in blame or victim mentality closes you off from the rest of the world. Taking responsibility allows you the space to acknowledge your part in the divorce, to learn from the experience, and to move forward with more confidence.
Strategy 1: Figure out what's not working in your life and stop doing it.
Strategy 2: Figure out what works better and start doing that instead!
These two strategies may sound oversimplified, but they can sometimes be tricky to implement. Continuing to do what doesn't work in your life can be very frustrating. Until you explore what you want to do instead -- what works better -- it's nearly impossible to break old, toxic patterns and habits. Developing both of these strategies while you're adjusting to your divorce will help you move quickly toward a more effortless and joyful life.
SECRET #4: Take Extremely Good
Care Of Yourself (and your children).
Build your reserves of energy on a regular basis, and be selfish about protecting and maintaining those reserves. When you take good care of yourself, you also have more energy to help your children adapt, adjust and grow in healthy ways.
Remember that your children have their own needs during and after your divorce, and those needs might not be in alignment with yours. Listen well to them, and don’t put them in the middle. If you feel you're not strong enough to help your children during or after your divorce, find a professional who can.
SECRET #5: Create A Vision & Focus On It.
If you don't know where you're going, how will you know when you get there? Since you get what you focus on, you may as well focus on what you want! Vision and focus go hand-in-hand. Define your vision. If everything in your life were just right after your divorce, what would it look like and feel like? What is the best you can possibly imagine? When you have a clear vision, create a plan to help you stay focused on what you want. Define goals and action steps that will help you live your vision.
SECRET #6: Take Action.
SECRET #7: Create A Fulfilling Single Life.
Being single is not a disease to be cured; it's a wonderful opportunity for growth. Living your life as a successful, fulfilled single adult after your divorce is the best way to attract the people and resources that can help you live your vision and fulfill your dreams. Focus on your own life and do what makes you feel strong, powerful and happy. Live your life on your terms, and say “NO” to everything and everybody that takes you away from your vision.
SECRET #8: Make Conscious Life Choices.
When you know who you are, what you want and what you value, your choices are more conscious. If your thoughts and actions are in alignment with your values, your decisions will take you toward your vision rather than away from it. When you make conscious life choices, you reclaim your own power and nobody can take that away from you.
SECRET #9: Expect To Be Human.
It's easy to be human – a wonderful work in progress; but sometimes it's a lot harder to actually accept that you're human. It's a waste of time and energy to beat yourself up for not doing what you think you should be doing or not being who you think you should be. You are who you are. Be as gentle with yourself as you would be with your child or best friend.
The joy of being human is the ability to learn from your mistakes, to grow and evolve, and to make better choices tomorrow than you did today. When you expect to be something other than what you are, you set yourself up for disappointment and failure, and you give your power away. When you expect to be human, you can see yourself with more loving eyes, and the possibilities for your life become endless!
BONUS SECRET: There Is No
"Happily Ever After"…
You can be happy no
matter what's going on outside of you.
When adjusting to a divorce, there will be ups and downs. How you
respond to each one of them is your choice. Following these "Secrets"
will help you be very successful at Living Happily…Right NOW!
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