This newsletter is
designed especially for YOU
if you are single and ready to
"Find the Love of Your Life
AND the Life That You Love!"
Finding the Love of
Your Life in Today's World
is available for immediate
by top relationship experts!
Conscious Dating, David Steele provides a new concept for dating
and insightful advice, effective exercises and useful illustrations
that will help anyone who uses them make their journey to love
successful. We recommend this book to anyone looking for love.
Hendrix, Ph. D. and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph. D.,
co-authors of Receiving Love: Transform Your Relationship by Letting
Yourself Be Loved
dating can lead to disaster. Given
the serious effect of relationships gone awry, Conscious Dating is a
must-read for singles who want to make better relationship choices.
David Steele provides sound guidance and practical advice for today's
Love, Ed.D. Author, The
Truth About Love and Hot Monogamy
Steele has made a significant contribution to the world of relationships
by mapping two previously foreign countries- consciousness and dating,
bringing them together at last in this customized guide. Packed with
practical strategies that really work, Conscious Dating is THE book for
helping singles navigate the dating world.
and Kathlyn Hendricks,
authors of Conscious Loving and the new Spirit-Centered Relationships
book is filled with practical strategies that work.
Packed with solid advice, assessments and exercises, as well as
interesting stories, Conscious Dating is a book that will completely
change the way singles view dating and relating. A must-read for anyone
who wants to create his or her next great relationship.
Eschner Hogan, Author of
Intellectual Foreplay and How to Love Your Marriage
Once a Bachelor, Always a Bachelor?
you think I'm dating someone who intends to stay a bachelor for life?
This column answers
questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to Tara@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com.
She will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue,
we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.
for August: Once a
Bachelor, Always a Bachelor?
37 years old and dating a man who’s 45. Neither of us has
ever been married. I was engaged a few years ago, but had to break it
off because my ex-fiancé’s parents interfered with
the relationship. While the man I’m dating has always been
single, he says getting married is definitely something he would like
to do one day.
been dating for about 3 months and have talked about marriage, but in a
general sense. He’s never asked anyone to marry him and that
worries me. It also concerns me that he hasn’t been married
– he hasn’t made any type of commitment to anyone!
We really enjoy spending time together and I'm wondering if there might
be a long-term commitment in the future.
friends say I should move on, that men in their 40's who have never
made a commitment of any sort are really not good choices.
don't think he'll change with me. I
do have my doubts.
Also, I read somewhere
that men over 40 have a very slim chance of ever getting married. At
his age, he's probably quite set in his ways and I wonder how that
would affect him letting anyone into his life.
you shed any light on this issue? Do
you think I should cut my losses and move on? I'm
just not sure what to think.
Do you think I'm dating
someone who intends to stay a bachelor for life?
If you believe that "once
a bachelor, always a bachelor," you have two unfavorable choices. The
first choice is to be single and date this man forever, while the
second is to cut your losses and move on.
Let's explore another
point of view. What would your relationship look like from the
perspective of, "The man you're dating is searching for a woman he
truly loves. He's selective and will not marry until he feels the
relationship is right." Now what choices do you see when looking at the
situation? This may open the door to a new way of being with him.
As far as "cutting your
losses," only you know the answer to that question. I understand you're
worried because he's never been married. If he were divorced a couple
of times with a few ex-wives and several children, would it make you
Finally, you mentioned enjoying time together, yet you never mentioned
your feelings for him. What level of commitment are you willing to give
to the relationship?
Consider the questions
I've posed and see what comes up for you. Good Luck, Heather!
I understand your concern about this man. I also hear how much you want
to find that special love and a committed relationship in your life. I
would encourage you to shift the focus of your question.
time is precious and valuable. Using it to make definitive statements
about groups of people does not move you closer to finding what you
want. From my perspective, when you buy into the belief that all men in
their 40’s who have never been married have a hard time
committing, you’re creating an invitation to the universe to
continue to make this true for you. There is no realistic way to
measure this statement; therefore, there is no way to prove it. If you
choose to believe it, it will continue to show up in whom you attract.
recommend that you shift your focus and inquiry from analyzing what may
or may not be going on with this man, to what’s going on in
your belief system about your ability to find someone who wants to
commit to you. By learning to focus on what you want, and believing
that you can and will have it, you’ll help attract it into
your life. Many blessings to you on your journey.
| email@example.com | 818.232.3186
There could be a very simple reason why a man of 45 hasn’t
married yet. If your friends don’t like him because
he’s aggressive, rude or doesn’t treat you well,
listen to them. If that’s not the case, and you enjoy being
with him, I don’t think there’s a valid reason to
give up yet.
It’s important that you know exactly what it is you want in a
relationship. Have you written down your non-negotiable, relationship
requirements? Does he fit these requirements?
Perhaps you might ask him what his personal goals are for his future.
Does he ‘see’ himself getting married and having
children (if that’s what you want)? How long was his longest
relationship? Listen carefully to his answers. Often, we see more about
someone by listening to and watching how they react to our questions.
Listen to your own instincts.
I would also recommend that you read Conscious Dating
by David Steele. This book is full of information that will help you
make the right decisions for yourself.
Hazel Palache, MFC,
possible that your friends are right, but what a shame if you moved on
without being sure! It would be simple to tell him what
you’ve expressed so well here, and then let him know that
being married is important to you. Ask if he’s ready to move
your relationship to a new level. It wouldn’t be unreasonable
for you to let him know that if you don’t see progress within
a short period of time (which you must define and state clearly), that
you would move on.
In the meantime, if
you’re not certain of your requirements, needs, and wants,
this would be a good time for both of you to work with a relationship
coach to gain clarity regarding what’s important to each of
you. This will give you the perspective from which to explore further
if you two are a good match. Best of luck to you!
too early to determine whether you have a future together, but your
concerns need to be discussed. It appears to me that you’re
looking for a long-term committed relationship, but is he? If you both
agree, then the next step is to ensure you’re compatible for
a long term partnership. If you have different goals and requirements,
then yes, you need to move on.
Just because an
individual has never been married doesn't mean there is cause for
concern. Look at your own situation. There are reasons why you haven't
been married yet and it doesn't mean there’s anything wrong
Many singles don't want
to make a mistake and are very selective and careful about entering
into commitment – and that is a good thing!
Doiron | www.frankiedoiron.com
I married for the first time at age 41 and understand that
it’s important to consider your suitor’s age and
dating history, and to listen to what he says about his interest in
marriage. However, something else is more important -- what does your
After three months, do you feel an intimate emotional connection with
him? Is that tender bond growing and deepening? Do you sense in your
heart that he loves you and cares for you? Is this relationship based
on a foundation of basic compatibility?
If his heart has been closed to love for years, it won’t open
simply because he’s met “The One.” In
fact, that may make him shut down even more for fear of getting hurt.
He must explore why he remains closed to the deepest emotional
connection two people can make, and commit to changing those aspects
about himself that prevent him from being open to marriage. You must do
Marcia Augustine | firstname.lastname@example.org
I believe 3 months into
your relationship is too early to make judgments about commitment. You
need more time to talk, share and get to know more about each other,
especially if neither of you has been married before.
Commitment starts with
you. Start to be engaged with you. Are you ready for commitment? I
recommend you explore that answer. I recommend you analyze your own
needs, define your vision and review your values. This can help you to
understand how much commitment you have with yourself and with your
partner. Did you choose the right man given all the things you know
If your answer is
“yes,” the next step is to have him work through
the same process, and then share the results with each other.
Commitment is not a question of age; it's the willingness to be
responsible - to respond in union.
If you and your partner
haven’t ever been married or engaged, maybe it’s
time to work together to understand the reasons so you might create a
better result. Don't be in a hurry to figure out whether your partner
is your dream relationship. When you start to explore yourself,
you’ll see all of that much more clearly.
McParland | www.mydreamrelationship.com
more questions must be asked before your question can be answered
fully. How strong is your interest in this person? Is marriage critical
to you, or is a good relationship more important? Can you enjoy him and
You've only been dating him for three months. It’s much too
soon to be thinking about marriage. Don't get ahead of yourself. Both
of you have just barely ended the infatuation stage. First, you should
assess the outcome of the infatuation stage. What’s your
level of romantic chemistry? What about emotional maturity? I suggest
you move forward slowly, keeping your options open.
Good relationships, like the people involved, are unique. If you want a
conventionally molded relationship, then find a conventionally minded
person. If you want a relationship like your friends have, then listen
to your friends. If you want something special, then listen to your
heart, tempered with sound advice from wise counselors.
Randy Hurlburt |Randy@ConsciousDatingSanDiego.com
you know you can take the Relationship
Readiness Quiz at www.consciousdating.org?
Simply sign up for a free membership to enjoy the quiz as well as other
resources developed by RCI Founder and CEO, David Steele.
Alexandra Kachaturoff | Editor
Five Steps to Overcoming
by Janice D. Bennett,
singles fear that committing to a life-long relationship threatens the
safety and comfort they perceive as a benefit of being single.
Remaining single does have its advantages. You can come and go as you
please, leave your dirty clothes or dirty dishes around for as long as
you want, and spend your time and money independently. And, you can
choose to reveal to the world whatever parts of yourself you want to
reveal, keeping your weaknesses and vulnerabilities hidden.
The purpose of fear is
usually to keep us away from danger. It's healthy and normal to fear
snakes, loud noises and bad smells, and we protect ourselves by
avoiding them. However, to create a trusting and intimate relationship
with a partner one must confront fears and take emotional risks.
Overcoming "commitment phobia" requires confronting the fears of what
you're "losing," and focusing instead on what you're gaining -- trust,
intimacy, closeness, and the rewards of a loyal and loving partnership.
Here are five steps to
help you overcome "commitment phobia:"
Acknowledge That You Want To Share Your Life with Someone
The first step is to
acknowledge that you actually do want to share your life with someone.
Many singles don't succeed in finding a relationship because
they’re ambivalent about really wanting one. Getting clarity
on your life goals is part of the first step to attaining them. Start
by identifying what you truly want.
Acknowledge Your Fears
The second step is to
acknowledge your fears, recognizing that they have kept you from
achieving your goals all along. Knowing that you fear rejection,
change, or loss of independence is important so you can develop
strategies to overcome them. This kind of strategizing can best be done
with a relationship coach, who will help keep you honest and focused as
you take action and pursue your relationship goals.
Pace the Relationship
The third step is to
learn how to pace the development of the relationship. Many singles
become caught up in passion and lust during a relationship's early
stages, only to back away when the time comes to make decisions about
the future. Other singles are so hesitant to open up that they become
"stingy" with their time and attention. Figure out what's best for you
as you keep things moving forward.
Make a Commitment About Commitment
The fourth step is to
"make a commitment to see if we should make a commitment." Agreeing to
be in an exclusive relationship is a good way of practicing your
commitment skills. Share your life goals and dreams with each another;
reveal aspects of your inner selves. Doing so will provide ample
opportunity to experience trust, closeness and intimacy.
Recognize That Commitment Provides Opportunity
I'd like to say that
there is a definitive final step. But if you've gotten this far, then
the last step is one you should have been taking all along --
recognizing that being in a committed partnership offers you the most
opportunity to be all that you can be in this world. Couples in healthy
relationships are devoted to mutually empowering one another to be
highly functioning, contributing members of society. And successful
people frequently give their partners credit for their achievements.
Perceiving commitment as
the loss of one's individuality and independence is simply not true.
There’s much to be gained in a life with a partner that
supersedes the alleged "loss" of independence. Admittedly, it involves
risk, but by following the steps outlined above, perhaps you'll finally
experience how the benefits outweigh the losses.
D. Bennett, Ph.D. |
212.874.1470 | Janice@DoctorLoveCoach.com
© 2006 by Janice D. Bennett, Ph.D.. All
rights reserved in all media.
How to Trust in a New Relationship
Jeff Herring, MS, LMFT
can be a very complex issue because so many elements go into developing
trust in someone.
In an attempt to
simplify this issue, I've described it in terms of five components, one
for each letter in the word TRUST. Consider
how you might relate these items to dating.
The dictionary defines
integrity as uprightness of character. What does that really mean?
People have integrity when their behavior matches their words. They do
what they say they are going to do. If, over time, their behavior
consistently does not match their words, watch out!
People make mistakes;
that's just part of everyday life. People who can be trusted take
responsibility for their mistakes. They don't blame others or make
excuses. When they make a mistake, they admit it and do what is
possible and necessary to fix it.
sign of trustworthiness is the ability to understand another person.
You may not always agree with the other person, especially in a close
relationship such as marriage. You may not always see things exactly
the same way. However, in order for trust to grow, you need to be able
to see the world through another's eyes.
tend to trust the people with whom we feel secure. In this context,
secure means safe. When we feel safe, we can be ourselves and are
comfortable saying what we really think and feel.
is an important element when it comes to building trust.
of the above components like integrity, responsibility, understanding
and security are developed and demonstrated over time.
takes time to develop trust in someone, and especially for those who
have experienced hurt in the past.
Herring, MS, LMFT
© 2006 by Jeff Herring / All rights reserved
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Tara Alexandra Kachaturoff | Editor, ConsciousDating.org
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