September 2006
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Linda Marshall
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Tara Alexandra Kachaturoff
Editor | Partners in Life Couples News
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Copyright 2006 by PartnersInLife.org All rights reserved.
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Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life in Today's World
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Welcome!
This newsletter is designed especially for YOU if:
- You have met someone and are wondering if s/he is the "Love of Your Life"
- You are about to get married and want to co-create a fulfilling life partnership
- You have a good relationship and want to make it great!
Ask
Our Coaches:
How can I be sure?
I’m so excited. I think I met the man of my dreams, but I want to be sure...
This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to Linda@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.
Dear Coaches,
I’m so excited. I think I met the man of my dreams, but I want to be sure. I’m committed to being conscious in this process and I’m working with a coach through the Conscious Dating program. I used the scouting, sorting and screening strategies to find him and now I’m ready to test my requirements and needs.
There’s a lot of chemistry between us and I want to lower the chances that I’m being blinded by it. I’ve never felt like this in any relationship, so I’ll admit I’m thoroughly enjoying how alive and vibrant I feel. I love being with this man and I love the attention he pays to me.
I’m in my late 30's and have been divorced for a couple of years. I married my high school sweetheart and have two children. I was blinded by love in my first marriage and I don't want that to happen again. I want to be sure he’ll be good for my children and for me. So far, he seems to be very good with them and they seem to like him; but I want to be sure that this will work long term. Can you give me some pointers?
Michelle in Minneapolis
Sandra responds …
Congratulations on your determination to mate consciously and for the joy you’re currently feeling! My advice to you can be summed up in one word -- time. Continue to see this man and enjoy your time with him. However, don’t be in a rush to commit to anything. The excitement of first love always settles down, so eventually we’re able to see things more clearly.
While you’re enjoying this man, make a point of seeing him often and in as many different situations as possible. Spend time with his family and get to know them. Meet his friends and spend time with them as well. Pay attention to how he treats everyone, from family members to friends, from food servers to fellow drivers on the road.
Be aware that how he treats others is how he’ll treat you --eventually. Pay attention to any feelings of discomfort that may arise, and consider those feelings and whether or not you could live with them long term. Make sure to keep your requirements and needs in the forefront of your mind as you test.
You might also consider reading the book Intellectual Foreplay: Questions for Lovers and Lovers-to-Be by Hogan and Hogan. This book includes meaningful questions for discussion -- all the questions we never think to ask before jumping into a committed relationship. The authors, separated by an ocean while courting, made a game of questioning one another during frequent phone calls. As a result, they were well acquainted by the time they finally decided to get married. My best wishes to you!
Sandra Rohr
SDRohr@aol.com
714.774.8540
Jeff responds …
Congratulations on using your Conscious Dating skills to arrive at this point. You’re wise to want to continue to be conscious and test this relationship carefully.
In my experience, testing often requires two factors: time and a variety of situations. Time is necessary because anyone can act a certain way for a short period, whereas the real person emerges over time.
The second factor involves sharing a variety of experiences. You need to experience different situations, both ones that come your way, and ones you create, to see how your potential love of your life handles them. Go on trips together, engage in a variety of activities and watch how this person handles challenging situations as well as the ones that arise during daily life.
On a final note, you mentioned you were "blinded by love" in your first marriage. Well, it's been said, "if love is blind, then sex is the blindfold." So be very careful and conscious in that particular area. Good luck and I hope you will let us know how things turn out for you.
Jeff Herring, MS, LMFT
www.SecretsofGreatRelationships.com www.ConsciousDatingAtlanta.com
jeff@jeffherring.com | 850.580.5333
Vicki responds …
It sounds like your concern is that you want to make sure your mind and heart haven’t been hijacked. You want to be sure you’re responding from an emotionally intelligent place with someone with whom you want a committed relationship.
One thing I do is I have my clients complete a DiSC™ profile. One aspect of this tool assesses an individual’s behavior as it relates to dealing with others. If I’m working with a couple, both take it. I have them respond to the profile for themselves and then I ask them to take it again, this time from the point of view of how they perceive their partner.
The DiSC™ profile provides insight into one’s particular behavioral style and how one might deal more effectively with someone of a different style. With this process, I am able to engage them in a dialogue about their differences, where they may encounter challenges and where they may be particularly strong as a couple. This process opens the door for developing strategies to manage through the differences should they ever present themselves in a negatively charged way.
Emotional intelligence begins with self-awareness and then moves into the realm of relationship management. The more you know about yourself and your behavioral style (i.e. your style under pressure), the better able you’ll be to work through issues.
Explore the answers to these questions. Do you walk your talk? Are you open and direct? Do you accept one another? Do you do what you say you’re going to do? If these areas aren’t solidly developed in the relationship, then trust will diminish over time. Rather than asking whether you’re being blinded by love, you might try asking questions more in alignment with building trust. Take care and I wish you well.
Vicki Simmons
www.vickisimmons.com
281.494.8701
Feature
Article:
Relationship Advice: N is for Neglect
By Jeff Herring, MS, LMFT
When you’re in a long-term love relationship, do you know how easy it is to neglect your partner? The answer is … it’s much too easy.
It’s Usually Unintentional
In the vast majority of cases, neglecting one’s partner is unintentional. We become so caught up in our daily lives that we forget about what’s most important.
Neglect is a lot like procrastination, lying or skipping school; that is, doing it once makes it much easier to do again. Soon you find yourself repeatedly neglecting important things to the point that you forget you’re neglecting anything at all.
Neglect Quickly becomes a Way of Life
The natural result of neglect is for couples to grow further and further apart until someone walks out the door. Because neglect is unintentional, it usually creeps up on you without you really noticing it.
Turning it Around
If you find these words speak to you and your relationship, let me assure you that you can turn it around. While the result of drifting apart is unintentional, the process of turning it around is very intentional.
These two steps will help you start making the journey back – from neglecting your relationship to paying attention to each other:
Step 1: Engage in a conversation with your partner about how the relationship is being neglected. If your partner does not notice it, one way to start the conversation is to say, "Can you help me with something?" Talk about the neglect and how it makes you feel. Each of you should acknowledge and take responsibility for your role in contributing to it.
Step 2: Make a commitment to pay attention to each other. Create a list of things you used to do before the neglect set in. Then create another list of new things you can do to acknowledge each other and to treat each other well going forward. The final step is to start doing these things on a regular basis.
By taking time to think about your relationship and how engaged both of you are within it, and by having thoughtful conversations with your partner, you can move away from a relationship that’s being neglected to one in which you’re consciously paying attention to each other. The process takes effort, but the results are well worth it.
Copyright © Jeff Herring. All rights reserved.
Jeff Herring, MS, LMFT
www.SecretsofGreatRelationships.com www.ConsciousDatingAtlanta.com
jeff@jeffherring.com | 850.580.5333
Bonus
Article:
Relationship Advice:
How to Inflame or Diffuse a Conflict
By Jeff Herring, MS, LMFT
In love relationships, rest assured there are some things you can do which are guaranteed to inflame a disagreement. Luckily, there are some steps you can just as easily take to diffuse one. Let’s explore each in turn.
Six Ways to Inflame a Disagreement
- Be offended when your partner disagrees with you. How dare they!
- Think helpful and loving thoughts such as, "How could you possibly see this situation in any other way but mine?" Forget that you chose this person because you once liked how he or she thought about things.
- Believe you have a monopoly on truth and that your view is the only one that could possibly be correct.
- Fight hard for the right to be right.
- Try to convince, debate, and argue with your partner to see the current
issue, and everything else for that matter, your way. (Hint: It does NOT work.)
The Beatles got it right when they sang, "Try to see it my way, we can keep on talking 'til we can't go on. Try to see it your way, run the risk of knowing that our love may soon be gone." - Bring up volumes of evidence from the past to prove your point and throw it in your partner’s face. Then, sit back and wonder why things get worse. It's like throwing gas on a fire and wondering why the fire gets bigger!
These are surefire ways to turn up the heat with any disagreement. Luckily, there are some great ways to diffuse a conflict that will make things better for the both of you.
Six Ways to Diffuse a Conflict
- Give up the need or right to be right. There’s no doubt that this can sometimes be a challenge, but it works.
- Remember there are times in love relationships when you can be right or you can be happy, but not necessarily both at the same time.
- Save the hostile debates for presidential elections.
- Nine times out of ten, an argument grows out of some unmet emotional need. Identify the emotional need that’s not getting met, then there’s no longer a need for conflict and arguing.
- Entertain the earth-shattering possibility that the cause of the disagreement might actually be your fault.
- Shift your awareness from the content of what’s being said to focus on the heart of what’s being said. If you focus on content, this sets you up to be tempted to refute what the other person is saying. For example, “Oh yeah, well what about that time seven years ago when I did come home early from work!?”
Copyright © Jeff Herring. All rights reserved.
Jeff Herring, MS, LMFT
www.SecretsofGreatRelationships.com www.ConsciousDatingAtlanta.com
jeff@jeffherring.com | 850.580.5333
Words of Wisdom
- "I think that whenever soul is present, it’s because what you’re doing, whom you’re with, where you are, evokes love without your thinking about it. You are totally absorbed in the place or person or event, without ego and without judgment."
- ~Jean Shinoda Bolen
- "As long as one keeps searching, the answers come."
- ~Joan Baez
- “When we stop opposing reality, action becomes simple, fluid, kind, and fearless.”
- ~Byron Katie
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