This newsletter is designed especially for YOU if:
- You have met someone and are wondering if s/he is the "Love of Your
- You are about to get married and want to co-create a fulfilling life partnership
- You have a good relationship and want to make it great!
How Important is Chemistry?
This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions
to Linda@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com who
will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish
a few answers from our RCI coaches.
My husband and I were attracted to each other in the beginning because
of our love of nature and a common desire to be of service to people less fortunate
than we were. We also shared a similar spiritual perspective. Eventually, we
married and now have two small children. We've been through a lot of transitions
in the past eight years, including becoming parents, career changes, and a move
away from a major support system. It has taken a toll on our marriage and we
have had some hurtful interactions. It has affected our sex life.
My question is … how we can deal with this? What I see now is that
we didn't have sexual chemistry willing to work on the relationship and build
on what strengths we do have, but I am wondering if I can feel passion for him
when the chemistry wasn't there to begin with. We want to feel sexually satisfied
and fulfilled, and I'm not sure how to get over this hurdle. Can you help?
Gail from Galveston
Sandy responds …
You have many strengths in your marriage -- shared values, shared spirituality
and children whom you love.
Obviously, many changes have taken place in your life. It seems to me that your
problem is not with sex, but that your sexual issues have arisen as a symptom
of a deeper problem -- emotional disconnect.
Only after you have re-established your emotional ties can you begin to work
on the sexual connection. In my opinion, the renewed emotional connection will
automatically lead to a renewed sexual connection. If you need additional guidance,
a trained relationship coach could be helpful in assisting both of you with this
Sandra Rohr, M.A. | www.wellspringscoaching.com
Julie responds ...
One of the biggest challenges for couples, especially when there are small
children involved, is spending adequate time together to foster individual desires
and sexual chemistry. I find it hard to imagine that chemistry is really the
By engaging in open communication, spending time together away from the children,
and renewing your connection with one another, I believe you will likely spark
memories of more sacred times. I believe this could open both of you to a deeper
level of intimacy that you can share with each other.
Julie Holley | www.TheMateDoctor.com
Michael responds …
Sexual chemistry is something that comes most often with vulnerability and openness.
You mention that you’ve experienced some hurtful interactions. If you've
been fighting a lot, it is possible that you have damaged the base of trust that
a solid sexual relationship is based upon.
You and your husband need to find a way to navigate the changes you are experiencing
without losing trust in each other. Sometimes, all that you need is to remember
you are both committed to raising your family and making each other happier and
more fulfilled. You may need to work on the way your interactions occur.
Michael Murray, C.Ht | Founder, Profound Connections
Caroline responds …
I’m sorry you have been trying hard to live a married life full of awareness,
giving and spirituality, and now you are experiencing problems.
My suggestion is that you revisit the feelings that brought you together as
well as the values you share and the goals you’ve achieved. Write these
things down so that you can see what you have accomplished together.
In my opinion, what’s taking a toll on your marriage is pure tiredness
from career, raising children and other changes you have been experiencing. Although
the time of estrangement is painful for you, I believe the coming together again,
in truth and commitment, will make things better in the future.
I believe engaging in a couple of coaching sessions with a trained relationship
coach would be of value. He or she would help you to change your perspective
and provide you with tools to move forward in a positive direction.
Exercises to Renew Emotional Connection
By Sandra Rohr and Julie Holley
Sandra Rohr: Partner Exercise 1
How long has it been since you and your loved one connected on a deep level?
When was the last time you just sat together and experienced each other? In the
Relationships: Experiencing Greater Love and Harmony Through the Power of Presencing ,
authors Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks write about a technique that can be helpful
for connecting on an emotional level.
Set aside a time when the children are in bed, or find a baby sitter so that
you can experience uninterrupted time together. Begin by clearing your mind of
resentments and anger. A few minutes of silent meditation and deep breathing
will help. Next, begin to focus on each other, going into a soft, accepting place.
Leaving your own concerns behind, spend time simply being present and considering
the pain that your partner’s inner child is experiencing.
It might be helpful if you look at a picture of your partner as a small child
and remember that this child still exists. Find a place inside where you can
feel as protective of your partner’s inner child as you do of your own
When you are feeling tenderness for your partner, each of you should take turns
speaking of your hopes and dreams. Be willing to be vulnerable and open. Speak
to each other about your loneliness and pain, but avoid making it personal or
attacking. Focus on sharing simple, gentle, “I” messages. When each
of you has felt truly heard and appreciated, you might spend time focusing on
your mutual goals as a family.
What values do you wish to focus on? Reconnect with the things that brought you
together in the first place. When you start approaching each other from this
gentle place, you are more likely to reawaken the love that exists between the
two of you.
Julie Holley: Partner Exercise 2
Sit facing your partner, knee to knee on the floor, or with each of you sitting
in a chair. Make sure nothing can interrupt your sacred space while maintaining
complete quiet for at least fifteen minutes. Look deeply into one another’s
eyes without speaking. Do not allow anything to break your silence or focus,
but do allow any emotions that come up to flow freely.
After the exercise is complete, you have a couple of options. You can talk
about how you’re feeling with each other. Alternatively, you could agree
to journal individually until you are both ready to talk. I encourage my clients
to make a date for this exercise, and then to repeat it two or three times per
week until they get the breakthroughs they are looking for.
RCI Contributing Coaches
Sandra Rohr, M.A. | www.wellspringscoaching.com
sandy@wellspringscoaching | 714.774.8540
Julie Holley | www.TheMateDoctor.com
Seven Keys to
by Mike and Vicke Christensen
Communication is the key to a great relationship. When you
ask most people, they think they are good communicators and great listeners.
However, if that were true, we wouldn't have as much workplace conflict or relationship
issues centered around communication.
I wish I had a dollar for every client who has said to me, "My boss just
doesn't listen" or "My wife/husband doesn't know how to communicate." Lack
of communication between couples is the number one issue we deal with in our
Good communication starts with your ability to listen. Effective
listening is one of the most widely taught skills, however, it is the one most
often ignored. So what can we do to improve our communication?
#1 Timing. This is where you ask
whether or not this a good time for a discussion. If you or your partner is tired,
upset or in the middle of doing something else, it’s going to be difficult
to have a meaningful conversation. Ask yourself these questions: Is this the
right time? Is this the right place? Will we be free from distractions?
#2 Avoid using “always” and “never” when
communicating. If you use words such as “always” and “never,” most
people will discount everything that follows the saying of those words. So if
you say, “You never take out the trash” or “You never want
sex,” your spouse will more than likely discount the whole statement – because
it’s not true. A better approach would be, “Honey, could you take
out the trash?” or “Honey, what can I do to interest you in having
sex with me tonight?”
#3 Use “I” instead of “you” statements. Focus
on your own feelings, thoughts and needs. Using the word “you” puts
your partner in a defensive mode rather than a listening mode. Own your feelings
by saying “I want” or “I feel.” Make sure you are expressing
feelings. If you say “I feel like” or “I feel that,” you
are expressing thoughts, not feelings. Feelings are expressed in a single word.
You may be having more than one feeling, but each will be one word only. Some
examples of primary feelings are angry, sad, scared, hurt, pain, happy, calm,
and cheerful. You’ll be safe if you draw upon words like these.
#4 Paraphrase what you hear. Repeat
back to your partner what he or she has just said prior to making your own response.
This has two purposes. First, it shows your partner that you are listening carefully
to what he or she is saying, and second, it gives your partner the opportunity
to clear up any misunderstandings.
#5 Don’t make assumptions. Ask for clarification and be
curious. If something doesn’t make sense, don’t just jump to the
conclusion that you know what they mean. If something hits you the wrong way,
ask for clarification.
#6 Refrain from making judgments. When
practicing open communication with your partner, avoid judgmental statements
such as, “I’ve wondered when you’d see that” or “I’ve
tried to tell you that for years.” These statements or any body language
that implies judgment quickly destroys open communication.
#7 Watch your body language. When
talking with another person, body language will typically take precedence over
your spoken words. Eye contact, gestures, and facial expressions are all a part
of body language. If you say one thing but your body language indicates another,
the body language will be what they “hear.”
If you pay attention to these seven keys to effective communication, you will
make your interactions much more pleasant and meaningful.
Mike and Vicke Christensen
Christensen Consulting & Coaching
Mike@christensencc.com | www.Christensencc.com
Couples who pursue a hedonistic form of happiness, seeking to fulfill their
desires regardless of their needs, endure twice as much conflict as couples
who pursue more altruistic forms of happiness (that is, based on creating feelings
of unity and mutual satisfaction).
-- The 100 Simple Secrets of Great Relationships: What Scientists have
Learned and How You Can Use It by David Niven, Ph.D.
When a man and a woman practice their mutual wiles on one another they are imitating
the way God works on us; and to the extent that these wiles draw them both out
of their mundane narrowness, they are literally cooperating with God’s
gentle seductions. The more the lover excites the partner into a frenzy of passion,
the more godlike he is.
Miracle of Connection Audio Programs
RCI recently completed a seminar series called "The Miracle
of Connection" with Hedy Schleifer that is now available
by recording, FREE to our subscribers:
Program #1: Growing our Passion
Program #2: Embracing our Differences
Program #3: Achieving Fulfillment
To listen to the audio or download the MP3 files, simply register at www.miracleofconnection.com
Conscious Relationship Resources
February 9: The Couples Circle with David Steele,
Darrell Holdaway and Nevin Valentine
March 9: Marry Yourself First with Ken Donaldson
April 13: Secrets of Married Men with Scott Haltzman
Relationship Article Bank
PartnersinLife.org, is a resource for couples offered by Relationship Coaching
Institute, a worldwide relationship coaching organization dedicated to helping
singles 'find the love of your life AND the life that you love'; to helping new
couples 'make a wise choice in a life partner'; and to helping any couple 'fine
tune and keep their relationship healthy and fulfilling.'
Visit our web site at www.PartnersInLife.org for
- How to Be Partners for Life e-Program for Couples
- Communication Map™ On-Line Communication Training
- Relationship Knowledge Bank
- And much more!
- Want to make sure you are making a wise choice in a life partner?
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- What to give your relationship a fine-tuning?
Get a Relationship Coach!
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NEW RELATIONSHIP? Congratulations in moving forward in your
life partner quest! WHAT NOW?
Join PARTNERSINLIFE.ORG at www.PartnersInLife.org
for cutting-edge information and resources for couples.
You will be glad you did!
***Please share this with new couples that you care about.
Linda Marshall, M.Div. | Director of Couples Programs Linda@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com
Tara Kachaturoff | Editor, PartnersInLife.org Couples News Tara@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com
Visit our website for couples at www.PartnersInLife.org and
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