April 2006

In this issue:

Free to our subscribers!

Conscious Relationship Resources
www.ConsciousRelationshipResources.com

Conscious Relationship
Tele-Seminar Series
www.ConsciousRelationshipSeminars.com

Conscious Relationship Podcast
www.ConsciousRelationshipPodcast.com

Conscious Relationship Article Bank
www.ConsciousRelationshipArticles.com

David Steele
Founder and CEO,
Relationship Coaching Institute

Cindy Briolotta, President
Relationship Coaching Network

Linda Marshall
Director | Couples Programs
Email

Tara Alexandra Kachaturoff
Editor | Partners in Life Couples News
Email

Copyright 2006 by PartnersInLife.org
All rights reserved.

Now Available!

Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life in Today's World

Order a copy today for your single friends and family members at ConsciousDating.com

Welcome!
This newsletter is designed especially for YOU if:

• You have met someone and are wondering if s/he is the "Love of Your Life"
• You are about to get married and want to co-create a fulfilling life partnership
• You have a good relationship and want to make it great!

Ask Our Coaches:
I Love Him, but … What Can I Do?

This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to Linda@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.

Dear Coaches,

I’m in love with a man who says he is not ready for an exclusive relationship. He’s been totally honest with me about this from the beginning. We have been seeing each other for about 5 months.

He was previously in a relationship (4 years ago) with a woman who has Borderline Personality Disorder (he did not know this until recently). It is obvious that the relationship scarred him deeply. He is afraid of being with only one woman because of the potential for pain. He thinks being non-exclusive may be best for him right now.

I have considered this but soon realized that I would not be true to myself if I did that. He had been seeing another woman infrequently up until a few months ago when I became upset about it. When asked if he was sexual with her he said, "yes." I said that I would not have sex with him as long as he was being sexual with another person. I told him I thought it was best for me to be open to seeing others.

I now see one other man on occasion. He tells me that he is not seeing anyone else but is still not ready. We are doing the things that couples do, so what he says versus what he does seems incongruent. I have mixed feelings about what to do. I have told him that what we are doing is OK for the short term, but ultimately I want a deeper connection with someone - preferably him.

Monica from Boston

Marcia responds …

You are right to stay true to your monogamy requirements and to postpone sex until your requirement for commitment is met. You set your own value, and you are a wise woman to set it high and not give yourself away freely. Continue to postpone sex with these men and enjoy the emotional protection and security you provide for yourself while doing so. It will reinforce your choice to do the right thing. Better to say "no" in advance, instead of becoming sexual first, then having to plead for the commitment you want.

Enjoy the company of these men without letting your emotions grow beyond what your suitors have to offer. Keep the playing field open to allow someone new to enter your life who recognizes your worth and treasures your value. Sometimes the way to get what you want, whether from the men now in your life or with a new flame, is by rejecting what you don't want.

Marcia Augustine | www.emotionalwavelengths.com
mch33@aol.com | 770.499.8932

Frances responds...

Have you sat down and created a list of your non-negotiable requirements for a relationship, what you absolutely must have for a relationship to work for you and what absolutely doesn’t work for you?

The sense I get from your letter is that you want a monogamous relationship, and your boyfriend does not. He says he’s just not ready at the moment, and maybe not ever. You both want different things. By sleeping with this other woman, he has made that clear.

He has also made it clear that he doesn’t know how to conduct polyamorous relationships. Polyamorous relationships are HONEST expressions of love and relating with more than one person. For a polyamorous relationship to have a chance of working, it requires a great deal of consciousness and maturity and is based on absolute honesty. Admitting to having sex with someone after the fact, is a clear breaking of the rules of polyamory. Check out www.polyamory.org

This is an extremely important issue and usually not one that lends itself to compromise. Consider working with an RCI relationship coach to get clear about your requirements, needs, and wants. Our goal is to help you get exactly what you want and not to settle for less. You will become more and more disenchanted if you try to fit into a situation that you just don’t want. Hoping that he will change can turn into a very long waiting game. How long are you willing to wait?

Frances Amaroux | www.turning-point.com.au
61 2 9810 1485

Randy responds...

Being non-exclusive in the early stages of a relationship is a good idea. This allows both of you to realistically assess each other and the relationship, while also getting to know others. Being exclusive too early limits both your experience and your options. (Five months can still considered being in the "early stage.")

Exclusivity can mean different things to different people such as dating exclusively or being sexually exclusive.

Most people are unsure, uncertain, ambiguous, or "not ready," because a "Relationship" (with a capital "R") seems threatening. Therefore, they take it slow, and you probably should too. Wanting something deeper is good and natural, but the way to get there is to enjoy the moment and not press for the result.

In terms of sex, you should define your limits, but define them as large as possible. Limits that are too confining "limit" you, whereas exceeding your limits may cause you to feel uncomfortable. You should also consider how important a particular person is, and how much you are willing to stretch to accommodate his needs/limits (and the same goes for him with you). When there's true love happening, then both people stretch to accommodate each other. If they can find a common path, moment to moment, then the relationship can last.

Randy Hurlburt | www.ConsciousDatingSanDiego.com
www.LoveIsNotaGame.com | 858.455.0799
Randy@ConsciousDatingSanDiego.com

Tara responds …

Time is the currency of life. Be very careful as to how you spend it and with whom you spend it. Life is made of time and we all have a limited, yet unknown amount of it. How you spend it will be critical to your happiness.

First, I would spend some time thinking about what you really want from a relationship. I wouldn’t spend time with people who are not ready and available. Move on and find someone who is. There is nothing to be gained from “waiting” for someone to figure out their life or to get on the same wavelength as you. Life’s too short and too precious!

There are many available singles who are ready, willing and able to engage in a committed relationship, but you’ll never find any of them if you don’t stop spending time with people who obviously don’t make you happy and who don’t fit with the vision you have for a relationship.

If you need assistance with clarifying your thoughts around relationships and what you truly want for your life, enlist the help of a skilled relationship coach who can help you sort through the details. In any case, let go of relationships that don’t work for you. Don’t spend time trying to figure out people who don’t fit your vision for what you want. Value your time, value your life, and most importantly value yourself. Move on and find someone with whom you can truly be happy.

Tara Kachaturoff | www.relationshipplanning.com
248.723.1926

Top

Feature Article:
Relationship Red Flag Tips

By Linda A. Marshall
Distilled from the wisdom of David Steele, Founder and CEO of The Relationship Coaching Institute


Requirements are your core truths about the experience you must have in the relationship in order to live the life you envision for yourself. Relationship requirements are non-negotiable, met or not met, relate to your standards for a relationship, not something you have to think about, have a lot of power, and are behavioral events rather than traits of a partner.

A red flag is an indicator that you are not having the experience you envision for your life and relationship. Most likely, it is also a sign that your requirements are not being met. It is important to pay attention to any red flags you encounter.

1. In the beginning

When a relationship is "new,” this is the time that most folks are most motivated to be together to experience and enhance the relationship. During this stage, if a potential partner doesn't have much energy for the relationship or if he or she adopts a "my way or no way" attitude, this is a serious red flag. A lack of mutuality, flexibility, or open-mindedness, or failing to make the partner or the relationship a priority, are all examples of red flags.

2. Behavior is not random

Nothing ever happens just once. Discounting a partner's priority (monogamy), being closed and rigid to proposals from your partner to enhance the relationship, or any other relationship-defeating behavior is part of a pattern and indicative of a red flag.

3. Working on the relationship

It is important to determine when to "work" on a relationship. For a committed relationship, it’s easy. You do what it takes. For a pre-committed relationship, working too hard to make a round peg fit into a square hole can be a sign that there might not be a good fit. One partner doing "the work" alone in a pre-committed relationship is a pattern that, most likely, would continue into marriage.

By accepting the reality of “what is” and refusing to settle for less than what you want, you will be able to make more conscious choices which will save you a lot of pain down the road.

4. See things for what they are

The fear that you can’t find what you really want and the resulting belief that you must settle for less than you really want, is self-fulfilling. You’re setting yourself up for failure when you settle for less in your relationship choices by ignoring red flags or thinking the other person will change once you’re married.

If you’re going to get what you REALLY want, you must say “no” to what you don’t want, even if you think you “love” the person. Again, it’s all about seeing things for what they really are, honoring what you know is right for you and your life vision, and then making choices which keep you aligned with what you want most.

Linda A. Marshall, RCI Director of Couple’s Programs
www.radiantrelating.com | 937.684.2245

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Bonus Article:
The Top Ten Reasons Why Men Won’t Commit to Marriage

1. They can get sex without marriage more easily than in times past.

2. They can enjoy the benefits of having a wife by cohabiting rather than marrying.

3. They want to avoid divorce and its financial risks.

4. They want to wait until they are older to have children.

5. They fear that marriage will require too many changes and compromises.

6. They are waiting for the perfect soul mate, and she hasn't yet appeared.

7. They face few social pressures to marry.

8. They are reluctant to marry a woman who already has children.

9. They want to own a house before they get a wife.

10. They want to enjoy single life as long as they can.

From a 2002 report of the National Marriage Project of Rutgers University

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Words of Wisdom

"Nothing is as real as a dream. The world can change around you, but your dream will not.”
~ Tom Clancy

“Happiness is limited, self-centered, and unconscious; it is prone to boredom, saturation, and satiation. But fulfillment in a relationship is conscious and unlimited, and can only be achieved in connection with our partner.”
~Hedy Schleifer

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NEW! Free Teleclass Series Starts April 4

Secrets and Strategies for Successful Relationships at Home and in Business

with best selling authors

Paul and Layne Cutright

Tuesdays, April 4, 11, and 18, 2006
3:00pm pacific/6:00pm eastern

Program #1: Tuesday, April 4, 2006:
Get Over It for Good! Conflict Resolution That Really Works

Program #2: Tuesday, April 11, 2006:
High Performance Communication Skills That Build More Trust and Understanding in Any Relationship

Program #3: Tuesday, April 18, 2006
How to Find and Transform the Hidden Beliefs That Rule Your Relationships

As always, we'll record these programs for those who can't make the live teleclasses.

FREE for our subscribers! To register please visit
http://www.paulandlayne.com/davidsteeleinvitation.htm

This series is Free! We hope you will join us. Paul and Layne's work is outstanding and we're excited to share them with you.

Free Conscious Relationship Resources

Conscious Relationship Resources
www.ConsciousRelationshipResources.com

Conscious Relationship
Tele-Seminar Series

April 13: Secrets of Happily Married Men with Scott Haltzman, MD

May 11: Creating Love Beyond Words with Pat Love

Conscious Relationship Podcast

Conscious Relationship Article Bank

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For More Information

PartnersinLife.org, is a resource for couples offered by Relationship Coaching Institute, a worldwide relationship coaching organization dedicated to helping singles 'find the love of your life AND the life that you love'; to helping new couples 'make a wise choice in a life partner'; and to helping any couple 'fine tune and keep their relationship healthy and fulfilling.'

Visit our web site at www.PartnersInLife.org for Free:

• How to Be Partners for Life e-Program for Couples
• Communication Map™ On-Line Communication Training
• Relationship Knowledge Bank
• And much more!

• Want to make sure you are making a wise choice in a life partner?
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Get a Relationship Coach!
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Links to Us

Contact

Linda Marshall, M.Div. | Director of Couples Programs Linda@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com

Tara Kachaturoff | Editor, PartnersInLife.org Couples News Tara@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com

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Copyright 2006 by PartnersInLife.org. All rights reserved. Feel free to share this with others as long as our contact information and authorship is included.