How to Be The Chooser

How to Choose a Coaching NicheJust released- RCI’s new Chooser Online Coaching Tool web app!

By David Steele, founder of Relationship Coaching Institute

“We choose our joys and sorrows long before we experience them.”
— Khalil Gibran

Our life works and can be full of joy when we make effective choices. Our life can be full of sorrow if we make ineffective choices.

Chooser vs. Victim

As a child, choices were made for us and we had little power over what happened in our life. This is normal for children, but when we take this attitude as adults it’s called being a “victim.”

The opposite of being a victim is to be “The Chooser.”

The concept of choice is remarkable, and that we always have choices is simply a fact.

It’s easy to get stuck in inertia, respond impulsively or reactively and forget that we have choices. It can be challenging to take responsibility for our failures and pain as being the result of our own choices. We want to blame our boss, our Ex, the other driver, or our parents.

We live in a victim culture. It’s usually the other guy’s fault that we go to war, get into a car accident, lose our money in a bad investment, or get a divorce. While victim-hood might make us feel better and in the right, it also makes us helpless and perpetuates our problems.

Here’s a revelation: Acting out of ignorance, reactivity or impulse doesn’t absolve us of responsibility for making a bad choice.

Choice and the Law of Attraction

What do you want? A fulfilling life and relationship? A loving family? Success in your work? Peace in the world?

To get what you want in life you must BE THE CHOOSER.

Being the chooser means taking the initiative to create what you want, taking full responsibility for your outcomes, and making your choices mindful of their long-term consequences.

There is a law of the universe as powerful as the law of gravity that helps choosers and brings suffering on victims. It’s called the “Law of Attraction.” Just like “what goes up must come down;” “what is inside shows up on the outside,” “energy follows attention,” and “what you believe you can achieve.”

If you believe you don’t have a choice, you won’t.

If you shove responsibility for your choices and outcomes outside of yourself, the law of attraction will try to teach you to take responsibility by repeating the lesson over and over until you get it.

This is the origin of crime, war, and most other sources of human suffering.

Being The Chooser

We have the knowledge and technology to create a wonderful life for ourselves and for our children. Most of our social problems, such as crime, war, poverty, violence, disease, divorce, homelessness, and more, are the result of ineffective choices. Unfortunately, these social problems will continue as long as people believe they don’t have a choice about them.

Choosers know what they want and how to get it. In charge of their lives, Choosers take responsibility for what happens. Being a Chooser takes a certain amount of confidence and effort, but anyone can be one! Being The Chooser means taking initiative for your outcomes: you are in charge of creating what you want in your life. You do not restrict yourself to what or who chooses you.

Very often, we are not aware of the range of choices available to us. We are often unaware of our power to choose, and of the true power of our choices. We might make choices unconsciously, reactively or impulsively. We might be unaware of the long-term consequences of our choices.

A.I.M. To Be The Chooser

Step 1: Be AWARE that you have choices

You are never stuck! You always have choices, even if you don’t know what your choices are. Don’t allow impulse or lack of information to result in a poor choice.

Step 2: IDENTIFY your choices

Always assume there are more choices than you are aware of. Seek to identify a variety of the choices available to you, mindful that “you don’t know what you don’t know.” Identify productive choices and don’t settle for unproductive choices.

Step 3: MAKE productive choices

Use all the information available to you to make the best choice possible to achieve the outcome you desire. Evaluate a choice based upon the likely long-term consequences of that choice.


If you want to be The Chooser, here are some things you have control over and can DO:

BE CREATIVE: Seek new ideas and opportunities beyond the immediate past and present

BE A RISK TAKER: Accept rejection and failure as part of life, and don’t take it personally

BE ASSERTIVE: Ask for what you want, and say “no” to what you don’t want

BE PROACTIVE: Don’t merely react to events, or habitually wait for things to happen

BE GOAL-ORIENTED: Clearly define and vigorously pursue your goals

ASSUME ABUNDANCE: Believe there will always be plenty of opportunities and resources

BE POSITIVE: Always anticipate success


“Your life is the sum result of all the choices you make, both consciously and unconsciously. If you can control the process of choosing, you can take control of all aspects of your life. You can find the freedom that comes from being in charge of yourself.”
— Senator Robert F. Bennett (R-Utah)


Want help to make the best choices possible?

Check out RCI’s new Chooser Online Coaching Tool web app!