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February 2011

In this issue:




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Conscious Relationship Podcast
www.ConsciousRelationshipPodcast.com


Frankie Doiron
President & CEO
Relationship Coaching Institute


David Steele
David Steele
Founder
Relationship Coaching Institute


Tara Kachaturoff - Photo
Tara Kachaturoff
Editor | Conscious Dating News
Email


Copyright 2011 by Relationship Coaching Institute. All rights reserved.

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Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life in Today's World

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Announcements  

Conscious Relationship Tele-Seminars

"Stop Shooting Yourself In The Dating Foot"

Join us on Thursday, February 17th at 5:00pm pacific/8:00pm eastern for our free Conscious Relationship Tele-Seminar "Stop Shooting Yourself In The Dating Foot” with Lois Barth - Trans – fun- mational Coach and Speaker.

Three of the most important things a successful single needs to know.  In  this program you will learn: The common mistakes most singles make

  • How the difference between the mystique and mistake of chemistry
  • How by honoring your biology, allows you to be a savvy dater
  • To clarify your requirements, needs and wants for luscious life partnership
  • How to create a magnet to attract healthy loving relationships into your life
For more details and to attend this program via telephone, webcast, or replay access http://AttendThisEvent.com/?eventid=16690746  

Ask Our Coaches: 
Online Dating: Where to Start

"What tips can you suggest for
someone completely new to this? "

This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to Tara@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.


Dear Coaches,

I want to give online dating a try. What tips can you suggest for someone completely new to this?

Rachel in Roanoke


Toni responds …

Focus on your intention. Ask yourself .... What is my intention? What is the purpose of going on line to find a date? Be clear and focused. You get what you focus on, so be realistic in your expectations and there will be less disappointments. If you focus on what you don't want then you can be assured of getting exactly that -- what you don't want.

Determine whether you are looking for a life partner, a lover, or to be best friends and to share some quality time. Perhaps it is all of those and more. In the pursuit of a new relationship, acknowledge what is important to you. Be aware that the bar is not set so high that no one could possibly fill those shoes or even so low, in desperation to have someone in your life.

"Be" realistic and clear on your intention and purpose, focusing on "being" authentic to you and you will "have" what you seek. When considering trying something new for the first time, it's useful to begin the process with a healthy perspective, a clear intention and primary focus. Keep it light and happy and allow your partner to see the best of who you are.

Toni Barnett | 0411025947


Michelle responds …

I think internet dating can be lots of fun and you can meet people you would never have met before. A couple of things to think about: One, safety. So, trust your gut at all times. If something does not feel right, move on, quickly. Always meet initially in a public place.

Another thing is be honest – about who you are and also what you want. That will save you endless hours of wasted time. We all have specific requirements; don't beat around the bush with telling men what you are looking for. The right one will appreciate it. And don't lie. Too often I have known people who lie about their age, their weight (ok – maybe a little white lie here is ok), and even their height. I could never understand this as, at some stage, you will (if all goes well) meet the person so they will find out anyway. Lying is never a good start to a relationship. So, have fun, be honest and be safe and enjoy.

Michelle Zelig | www.personalpowerinternational.com | +61 413 332612


Ann responds …

There are millions of online daters today, so the opportunities to meet new people are endless. Before you begin, determine your goal for online dating. Do you want to date lots of guys, for casual fun, or are you looking for a forever partner? This will determine how you write your profile.

The goal of the profile is to pique enough interest so matches will contact you and, initially, it is your only tool to entice people to notice you (or not). Therefore, it must be complete, accurate, and a true reflection of who you are. Current photos and honesty are a must. It's best to under-sell and over-deliver. Let him be delighted when he meets you, not disappointed.

The initial email communication is critical to uncovering if you want to meet someone, which is your goal – to meet potential matches! Keep communication focused on their interests, and ask good questions about them. Be sure they meet your minimum relationship requirements, otherwise you're wasting your time.

Once you screen in a few potentials, practice all the rules of safety. Remember two things – anyone can be anyone on the internet, and, no matter how well you screen your matches, you're meeting a total stranger.

Ann Robbins | www.lifeworksmatchmaking.com | 954.561.4498


Doris responds ...

Approach your new adventure with a simple question: "What can I learn about myself while I'm growing into my perfect partnership?" This light-hearted energy will help you appreciate every "human mirror" you draw into your life. Our mirrors reflect back to us parts of ourselves that we can't perceive. It's so simple!

When I'm surrounded by impatient people, I get to see where I'm expecting an unrealistic turnaround time instead of quality. When I judge myself as inadequate, I attract people who judge me harshly. When I love and accept myself, other people radiate love to me.

If you attract needy people when you use online dating services, take steps to heal your own hurts before you step back into action. Do you attract shy mirrors? Brush up on your confidence tips. Plagued by people who are "fakes?" Unblock the ways you're hiding your very special light, Your Authentic Self. Your perfect partner is waiting for you but can't find you if you're masquerading as someone else.

Your online dating journey is amazing when you take advantage of rich opportunities for personal growth. A relationship coach can help you discover Your Authentic Self so you can attract your perfect partnership.

Doris Helge, Ph.D. | http://CoachingByDoris.com | 1.360.748.4365


Tara responds …

Online dating is a fast, easy and convenient way of connecting with a potential mate! There's simply no other way available where you can connect with so many people, in so little time, all in one place! To increase your success:

  • Clarify your relationship requirements. What must you absolutely have (or not have) for you to be in a relationship? Include these in your narrative.
  • Quickly sort thru replies and only spend time interacting with prospects who are highly aligned with who you're looking for. Online dating can be time consuming; manage your time wisely.
  • Trust your instincts. If something doesn't feel right, move on quickly. Whether it's a photo, something in a posted profile, or a response they sent to you, don't second guess your feelings.
  • Be organized. Maintain a simple written record of people you interact with including contact details, characteristics that resonate with you, and other stand-out attributes that make them memorable. This will be helpful as you interact with them both online, and possibly, in person.

And, most important, have a great attitude. Online dating can be fun. If it isn't, try something else that resonates with who you are.

Tara Kachaturoff | www.relationshipplanning.com

Valentine's Day: Everything is Negotiable!

by Jackie Black, Ph.D.

It's Valentine's Day again! Is this a day you are looking forward to? Or dreading?

In my experience, women are more triggered by Valentine's Day forgetfulness or inattention than men. So, in the spirit of averting a Valentine's Day disaster in your relationship, this is for the ladies!

Are you excited about showing your love and affection; and letting that special man in your life know how much he means to you? Do you find yourself worrying that your Honey might forget to plan ahead and not send you flowers, buy Godiva Chocolate or that tennis bracelet you've been hinting you really want to have?

Check out your expectations about "being remembered" and the meaning you make related to certain behaviors.

For example:

• He bought me beautiful flowers: He loves me. He is so thoughtful.
• He gave me a very sweet card: He loves me so much and thinks I am special.
• He sent me a card from the kids: He is so wonderful and I am so important to him.
• He didn't even go to the grocery store and buy flowers: He is so uncaring and unappreciative about everything I do.
• He didn't even get me a simple card: He's so thoughtless and doesn't appreciate me.
• Heads up, ladies!

Valentine's Day is not the designated day of the year that your partner is tasked with proving to you that he loves you and that you are special and the center of his world. Valentine's Day is just like every other day! It is another rich opportunity for emotionally intelligent partners to co-create the celebration that matches their love, commitment and joy of being together.

If you are looking for evidence that you are special or loved, you and your relationship are in trouble! Emotionally intelligent partners bring their energy, sentimentality, and creativity to the table and together, they plan exactly how to celebrate their love and each other on Valentine's Day.

So if you want beautiful flowers in the house put them on your list so you can have them there. If you want to receive a romantic card you probably enjoy giving romantic cards so set up a trip to a beautiful card store that has a wide array of choices and buy each other cards together. The surprise will be reading the cards together on Valentine's Day; not getting the card.

One of the essential relationship success skills is the willingness and ability to be vulnerable and ask for what we need and want. That your man goes out on his own and buys a card or orders flowers means… that he went out and bought a card or ordered flowers. Those behaviors alone do not mean that he loves and values you. He may love and value you! We hope he does; and those behaviors are not the behaviors that are the true indicators of his love and valuing.

So, this Valentine's Day sit down together and plan the way you are going to celebrate your love and your gratitude for being in each other's life.

Avoid the trap of Valentine's Day. Instead, use it as one more rich opportunity to take the time to care for each other and your relationship together; in ways that are meaningful to both of you!

A word to men and women if you are dating: Don't be pressured or guilted into acting like you care or care more than you do. Valentine's Day is a set up for disappointment; encourages disillusionment and offers false messages.

Resist all of that. Be sure you only do/say what is in your heart to do and say. Be congruent: Make sure your thoughts, feelings, actions and beliefs match.

If you are dating someone you really think is worthy of special attention be sure you take advantage of the opportunity to say. "You're special to me!" "We are so lucky to be in each other's lives." Remember, only YOU can make it happen!

© 2011 Dr. Jackie Black, LLC | Jackie Black, Ph.D. | DrJackie@DrJackieBlack.com www.DrJackieBlack.com All rights reserved in all media. Used with permission.

Jackie Black, Ph.D. is an internationally recognized Relationship Expert, Educator, Author and Coach, and an RCI Licensed Relationship Coach for Singles and Couples. She coaches men and women who are single again, pre-married, newly-married, new parents, couples in trouble, couples facing illness, and those grieving the death of a loved one. www.DrJackieBlack.com

Bonus Article:
Ingredients for a Successful Gay Relationship

by Brian Rzepczynski

When you're on the dating scene, it can seem overwhelming trying to remain centered on staying true to your personal requirements for a compatible partner and potential relationship when you have so many competing forces vying for your attention.

Not only do you have to keep the other parts of your life (work, family, friends, recreation, etc.) in balance and attended to, but you also can become easily distracted and confused when you meet a variety of men as potential dating prospects who trigger various forms of chemistry and attraction within you that may or may not necessarily align with your vision for an ideal partner.

For example, have you ever been in a situation where you met a totally hot guy who filled you with feelings of lust and were tempted to continue seeing him despite the fact you saw "red flags" of his incompatibility with your values? Yep, we've all been there and it can create all sorts of inner turmoil and indecision if you let it.

Not only is it important to know who you are and what you're looking for, but there are also some essential ingredients that are common to all intimate relationships that will be important to be present in a dating situation with men you become involved with.

What follows is a list of those critical relational elements that you'll want to be attuned to as you're dating to help you with your decision-making about whether you and a certain guy are truly a goodness-of-fit before actually committing to each other.

These aren't hard-fast rules, but the more of these characteristics that are present in your relationship with your dating partner, the greater the chances are of your becoming a successful couple. So be observant of the presence, or lack thereof, of these qualities as you're getting to know each new guy until you land a winner!

1. Friendship. This may seem obvious, but it's important to like the man you're with and to enjoy spending time with each other. The two of you share a special and meaningful camaraderie that is unique only to you and you have a solid foundation built for intimacy and sharing.

2. Respect. You honor and celebrate your guy for who he is, not who you want him to be, and treat him with dignity and admiration.

3. Companionship. The two of you have compatible interests and you can share these experiences to enrich your relationship and build a history. You have the ability to play with each other and also have your own separate pursuits that diversify your identities, which only serves to benefit your relationship.

4. Shared Values. The most successful couples have a shared value system and philosophies of life. This is perhaps the #1 cause of many conflicts in a relationship when the partners don't share similar visions and often times leads to break-ups due to the "deal-breaker" nature of such beliefs and stances on issues. Discover each other's values VERY early on in your dating to avoid becoming too emotionally invested should a serious discrepancy emerge later on down the road.

5. Trust. Without this element, there is no relationship. To be a couple requires both men to be vulnerable, open, loyal, and committed to honesty. A climate of safety must be established and evolves slowly over time with each experience and behavioral action. Making sure you do what you say you're going to do consistently is a hallmark of integrity.

6. Communication. You must be able to openly dialogue about your thoughts and feelings and also be able to listen to each other non-defensively and without judgment.

7. Good Conflict Resolution Skills. This requires you both to be able to mange anger and conflict appropriately without lashing out and learning how to compromise and problem-solve dilemmas that will inevitably emerge in the relationship. Developing a collaborative "teamwork" approach to challenges is essential, as is learning to how to deal with stalemates and respecting each other's differences and perspectives.

8. Affection & Sexual Passion. A healthy intimacy fueled with passion, desire, and attraction keeps the spark alive in a long-term relationship. Creativity, variety, and spontaneity are all important in manifesting continued captivation and intrigue. Nonsexual affection is also critically vital.

9. Compatible Levels of "Outness" and Gay Pride. Men with similar comfort levels with their sexual orientation tend to fare better (two closeted men and two "out" men as opposed to a variation of these themes) overall due to the shared understandings of those lifestyles. Couples with greater pride in being gay also tend to enjoy in most cases higher satisfaction levels due to the ability to be uninhibited and free with their partnership in all settings.

10. Sound Mental Health & Well-Being. Men who are devoted to personal growth and are motivated to stay healthy physically, emotionally, mentally, sexually, and spiritually are in great positions for solid relationship potential. This entails healing emotional wounds from the past, completing unfinished baggage from the past, building a solid self-esteem, cultivating a positive relationship with their sexual identity and masculinity, and developing resilience to life's challenges. These men are open and available for men free from unsettling distractions.

There are of course many more characteristics that go into crafting a healthy relationship, but by keeping these foundational elements in the back of your mind as you're building rapport and friendship with a dating prospect, you'll be able to use these as an additional screening tool toward selecting the best potential Mr. Right for yourself. Enjoy the process!

Copyright ©2011 by Brian L Rzepczynski. All rights reserved in all media. Used with permission.

Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach. He works with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right. www.TheGayLoveCoach.com

Inspirational Relationship Video Project  

We all need inspiration and your story of how you overcame significant challenges can inspire others.

To view our Inspirational Relationship Videos-
http://www.consciousrelationshipvideo.com

Your inspirational relationship story is wanted!

To submit your own Inspirational Relationship Video turn on your video camera (or use your cell phone or webcam) and answer the question- "What was your most significant obstacle to having a successful relationship and how did you overcome it?"

Then use www.sendthisfile.com and email to video@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com

Conscious Dating Audio Programs

Visit our website at relationshipcoachinginstitute.com for cutting-edge information and tools for finding the love of your life, including:

Listen to outstanding audio programs such as "Find the Love of Your Life AND The Life That You Love" and "Conscious Dating for Relationship Success"

Access our Knowledge Bank for innovative relationship tools, strategies and concepts

Check out our talented RCI-trained Relationship Coaches at relationshipcoachinginstitute.com/resourcecatalog.htm

For More Information

Are you a coach or other helping professional who works with singles and couples? If you want to know more about adding the Conscious Dating Relationship Coaching tools to your professional toolbox, visit relationshipcoachinginstitute.com

Please share this newsletter with your single friends, family, and co-workers, and you can be a partner in their success, too!

Links to Us

Contact

Tara Kachaturoff | Editor, Conscious Dating Newsletter for Singles Tara@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com

Visit our resource catalog for singles at relationshipcoachinginstitute.com/resourcecatalog.htm

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