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March 2009

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Relationship Coaching Institute

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Frankie Doiron
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David Steele
David Steele
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Tara Kachaturoff
Editor | Conscious Dating News
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Conscious Relationship Summit
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March 30 - April 3, 2009

Get the latest relationship strategies from the world's leading relationship and personal development experts. The Summit is a must attend if you are:

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    Ask Our Coaches:
    Relationship Requirements:
    How and when do you communicate them to others?

    "One of my relationship requirements is that
    I only date someone who's employed."

    This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to Tara@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.


    Dear Coaches,

    I met an automotive engineer about 5 months ago and we started dating. The chemistry is there, we have a great time and we're both interested in a long-term commitment. He was in management at GM and just got laid off. He's in his late 50's and his prospects for finding another position are slim to none. He's down, dejected, and extremely worried.

    One of my relationship requirements is that I only date someone who's employed. Given my own personal struggles with money and having worked hard for everything I have, I don't want to be in any circumstances that involve struggle, strife, or issues around money.

    I never communicated to him, in a direct way, that I would never date someone who didn't have a job. I know what I need to do - break up with him. I'm not willing to give up my own requirements, but at the same time, this is not going to be easy. And, yes, I know anyone can lose their job at any time.

    I think I understand what requirements are - things I must have in the relationship in order for me to be in that relationship. They are non-negotiable. My question is how and when in the relationship do you communicate your requirements to someone you're dating? And, then, what do you do when a requirement is violated well into a relationship - when you're possibly married? What's your advice?

    Diane from Bloomfield Hills


    Jennifer responds ...

    When guiding my clients in developing and implementing their requirements, I remind them to recognize extenuating circumstances that may occur along the path of their relationship.

    Once discovered, they then discern a healthy amount of time to allow the situation to correct itself. In your case, before you decide to end this relationship, I would view the past history of this gentleman and his employment record.

    During these economic times, many people are finding themselves in positions they never fathomed would occur. True, he may not be able to find a position as a manager in the field of automotive engineering, but there are several other positions that require his knowledge -- for instance, as a consultant for attorneys regarding car accidents. Does he have a history of bouncing between jobs? Is his work ethic what you would want in a partner?

    You haven't decided to marry him yet, you're not living together, and you're not supporting him. Chemistry and connection are not that easy to come by. Put yourself in his position and ask yourself what you would need in this difficult time. Requirements are designed to protect you from creating something that is unhealthy and unproductive in a relationship.

    Another test of a relationship, however, is not giving up at the first signs of conflict or distress. As to when requirements should be discussed with a potential partner, I often guide my clients to share them within the first three months of a developing relationship.

    Jennifer Wallingford | www.Focusing-Forward.com | 727.443.4919


    Hazel responds ...

    I really empathize and understand you not wanting to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't have a job or financial security.

    Since you've been dating for five months, I would suggest you talk to him honestly about your fears. If there's absolutely no possibility he will find a job and this is one of your absolute non-negotiables, to be fair to both of you, it would be easier if you break this off now.

    Regarding your question about when to talk about requirements -- I encourage clients to find this out as early in the relationship as possible for the benefit of both people. If there's a spark and you want it to go further, open and honest communication right from the beginning, usually over the first 4-5 dates, will tell you whether someone fits your requirements or not.

    Writing a list of requirements doesn't necessarily mean that they are all non-negotiable. A list tells you exactly what you would like to have in your "ideal relationship." However, there are also certain things you may absolutely not want in a person/relationship and those are the ones that become absolutely non-negotiable. For example, one of my non-negotiables is "no smoking." If they smoke, even once a month, that doesn't work for me.

    If you haven't already, I would suggest you read David Steele's book -- Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life in Today's World -- which will provide you with insight and suggestions about dating, requirements and relationships. Joy and blessings for your future.

    Hazel Palache | www.SayYestoYouCoaching.com


    Katherin responds ...

    I appreciate how you've worked hard to create a stable situation for yourself when it comes to money and how you won't settle for anything less from the man with whom you're in a relationship.

    Men usually need to be settled in their career before they can focus on a relationship. Our economy is playing havoc with this. If a single man is unemployed or his career is in transition, he's unavailable for a committed relationship. His focus will be on getting his work settled and under control - which it should be.

    Break up if you need to, or just put the relationship on hold until he gets things figured out money-wise. He needs your support now -- not your fear or judgment.

    As to when to discuss your non-negotiables, I teach singles to pre-qualify or disqualify a potential partner in 5 minutes or less. Seriously, how long do you want to be involved with someone if they don't meet your non-negotiables? However, be sure you've done the work to be very clear about what you must have in a relationship and know how to qualify a potential mate.

    And, if your partner violates your requirement after you've been together for a while, give it all you've got to work it out before you leave. Maybe you weren't clear, maybe your boundaries weren't strong, or maybe circumstances have changed dramatically. Learning to work through things takes courage and skills. Get the help you both need before you quit the relationship.

    Katherin Scott | www.KatherinScott.com | 425.681.2620


    Lori responds ...

    What a great question about requirements. Let's look at your requirement for dating someone who is employed. I see requirements as values -- things that cannot change. Many times a job is something around which we do not have control, whereas a value is how you live your life. If I were coaching you, I would have you do work around that requirement.

    For example, instead of having the requirement of dating someone who is employed, it could be dating someone who is dependable, hardworking, and financially responsible. All of these things are values-based and, therefore, will not change with circumstances that are out of one's control. Looking more deeply at your requirement will give you a better idea of what you're really looking for in a partner and will make dating much easier.

    A good time to talk about requirements would be when you first start to date. When you let people know what your values are from the beginning, it's much easier to weed out those who do not fit who you're looking for. Letting others know what is important to you will also give them the opportunity to tell you what their values are - what's important to them.

    When you've defined your own requirements and you've found out those of the other person, you should not have to worry about them changing over time. And, that's what helps make for a lasting relationship. Good luck with your dating.

    Lori Josephs | www.MyDatingBlueprint.com | 248.529.3375


    Leif responds ...

    Before trying to answer your questions, I want to comment on your current situation. Clearly, you don't want have to worry about money in your relationship, but I wonder if being unemployed isn't a temporary situation. Don't you think such an educated, experienced, and capable guy can find another job or start his own business?

    It seems to me that "being employed" is, in part, an issue of character. It might actually be interesting to see if he hits the streets with fervor, meeting the challenge head on (perhaps after a period of shock and recovery), or if he hits the skids, becoming a down-and-out couch potato.

    If he can adapt well to this situation, he may be someone worthwhile to have by your side. Also, I wonder if the requirement of only dating someone who is "employed" needs some clarification. Would working at a fast-food restaurant meet your requirement?

    As to your question about how and when to communicate your requirements, I believe you should do so after quietly testing your requirements and prior to any promises of exclusivity. A requirement violation after marriage is more complex.

    After making a marriage commitment, ending the relationship could be complicated by shared property, children, and other such intertwining. I believe that married couples should do everything that they can to overcome the problems that stand in the way of a happy and fulfilling relationship before choosing to leave the relationship.

    The bottom line -- do the needed work to clarify and test your requirements before marriage!

    Leif E. Davis | www.ExtraordinaryLifeCenter.com | 407.351.5660


    Rick and Jo respond ...

    We feel for you and your engineer. These are tough times, indeed. It sounds like you have gone into a relationship that appears to be committed, before you actually are ready to commit. This is a common pitfall for singles who are under various pressures to become a couple after they've dated for a while. This is the Mini-Marriage Trap!

    We recommend you take a step back from this relationship and work with a RCI coach to ...

    • Uncover limiting beliefs and to reveal your core values, life purpose and vision. Only then can you commence the work of distinguishing your requirements which are the foundation for a soulmate relationship. Requirements cannot be distinguished without guidance and relationships should not become committed until requirements have been tested and met. A requirement is how you want to experience the relationship and the onus is not solely on your partner, it's also about what you will bring to the relationship to fulfill the requirement.
    • Discover the different stages of dating and place yourself in the pre-commitment stage for this relationship, and,
    • Learn how to test if your requirements will be met inside this relationship.

    You say that financial security is a requirement for you. A RCI coach will help you see how that would play out in the relationship with both of you being responsible for the financial position of the relationship -- in the face of whatever life throws at you.

    In this case, you may discover that your requirement is more about how this man is dealing with his retrenchment rather than the fact he currently has no job. Once you bring clarity to this requirement, you will know for sure if this is the right relationship for you. And if it is not, your coach will help you to develop the conversation to end the relationship in a way that leaves you both empowered.

    Rick and Jo Harrison | www.SecretsToSoulmateSuccess.com | +61 3 5420 7366


    Feature Article:
    Spring: New Beginnings for Everything
    - including relationships!

    by Rick and Jo Harrison


    It's that time of year again. The days are gradually getting longer. The bulbs are shooting their green spears skyward and flowering. Gorgeous aromas of jonquils and jasmine and other beautiful flowers will soon drift on the warm breezes of spring. Spring brings new life, and for many people, it is the season when love is in the air!

    Spring: The Big Clean-Up

    Spring is also the season for the "big clean-up." And, while most people put their efforts into refreshing their living space, spring can also be the season to refresh your heart and mind. We can do this by getting into communication with people we have disconnected from, yet who are still important to us.

    Letting go of petty grievances and expressing our wish to re-connect will re-create new buds of love -- a bit like pruning the rose bush to encourage new aromatic blooms.

    Keep in mind that some people may not respond to your efforts in the way you'd like them to. Don't worry - be proud that you made an effort and know that they were touched by your attempt, regardless of how they responded to you.

    A Clear Fresh Perspective will Attract Your Soulmate

    There are many impediments to finding your soulmate, including all the emotional dust and clutter that you have been gathering in your mind about yourself, the opposite sex, relationships, and life in general. Most people don't really notice the insidious accumulation of dust and clutter until somebody else points it out!

    Well, it's the same with emotional dust and clutter. The thoughts we have about the opposite sex, our past partners, love, relationships and life are just like dust balls. They mysteriously tend to attract and accumulate more dust unto themselves.

    This is also true of disempowering thoughts. Every time we re-visit those thoughts, we unconsciously embellish them with a bit more angst, a bit more drama. This phenomenon can show up in relationships as explosive outbursts of emotion that seem to be way out of proportion to the triggering event.

    Spring is a great time to work with a RCI coach to distinguish and clean out your disempowering thoughts, so that your soulmate is attracted to the joyful energy emanating from your spirit, instead of being repelled by a negative charge.

    How You Can Refresh Your Attitude and Approach

    Negative attitudes and limiting beliefs impact your life by focusing your energy on unhappy past events and releasing unhappy emotions associated with those events.

    Our past responses to unhappy events were valid at that time - in the past. But, it's important to clean out our minds and free ourselves of these thoughts because their memory triggers negative emotions. These, in turn, will attract like energy into our lives and thus the self-fulfilling prophecy begins.

    Do you want to refresh your attitude and your approach to finding your soulmate this spring? Here's a great exercise to help you get started ....

    This exercise will inspect your heart and mind. Just as you inspect the different areas of the house to determine what needs cleaning or polishing, what needs to be discarded, and what needs replacing, an inspection of your mind and heart will reveal attitudes, beliefs and emotions that no longer serve you.

    It is important to be as brutally honest with yourself as you can, but don't dwell on any statement for more than a second. If you find yourself stuck on a question, it's because you are arguing or debating with yourself. Leave that statement and quickly move on to the next one. At the end of the exercise, you can return to unfinished statements to complete them.

    It's much easier to clean something when you can see it and recognize it as dirt. It's the same with limiting beliefs. Once you've identified them, they lose their power and you can clean them out and replace them with fresh attractive beliefs.

    Exploratory Statements

    We've come up with a list of leading statements to get you started. This process may trigger other thoughts, beliefs and insights that you can write down and investigate later. Complete each statement ...

    · Men (women) are ...
    · My last partner was ...
    · When I meet new people, I ...
    · I wish that women (men) were more ...
    · I wish I could find a man (woman) who was ...
    · A good woman (man) is ...
    · Finding a man (woman) is ...
    · I'll never fall in love again because ...
    · Being single is ...
    · I am afraid people will find out I am ...

    Break the Patterns and Attract Your Soulmate

    Do you notice any similarities in your responses to these questions? Look to see if responses left you feeling empty, sad, resentful, or frustrated. Did it reveal a pattern? It could be a repeating pattern of a certain emotional response or of recurring results in your love life. Recurring patterns indicate that you are trapped in some way.

    Those patterns of beliefs that are negatively charged have become self-fulfilling prophecies and are a telltale sign that spring cleaning is required. If you want something fresh and new, it's time to tidy up your mind!

    5 Techniques to Spring Clean Your Limiting Beliefs

    Take another look at your responses above and see if any of those beliefs actually serve you. Keep the ones that do and rid yourself of the ones that don't. When you clean out the unwanted beliefs, you'll experience peace of mind and clarity -- which is a beautiful space in which to create new empowering beliefs.

    Here are five techniques for cleaning the limiting beliefs from your mind:

    #1 Clean it up. Have you been gossiping about a former partner or "trashing" them to your friends? Make a commitment to end this now. Let your friends know about your new commitment, and ask them to support you in keeping this space of your life clean and tidy.

    #2 Forgive. If you have been hurt, forgive the person. Holding on to resentment and blame impacts YOUR life -- not the person who hurt you. "Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die." (Malachy McCourt)

    Forgiveness is like spring itself; it allows new growth. Sometimes, it can be easier to forgive if you remember that you are forgiving the person - not the behavior that upset you.

    #3 Discard your negative beliefs; toss them out of your mind. And, if you notice them sneaking back into your thoughts, just toss them out again! For example, thinking that, "I'll never find true love" is really rubbish. Get rid of it! Tell yourself, "I don't believe that anymore!"

    #4 Re-frame or create a new belief. It's important you create new beliefs because if you don't, your mind will sneak outside to the trash can, find what you've thrown out, and while you're not noticing, toss the trash back into the freshly cleaned house of your mind.

    Consider this example:

    "I don't like meeting new people because I fear they will reject me." Instead, reframe it as, "I am confident meeting new people because I love and accept myself." State your new belief as if it is happening right NOW.

    Your subconscious doesn't know the difference between reality and make-believe. If a thought is handed down from the conscious mind, the unconscious mind accepts it as fact. Notice how good your new belief feels when you say it.

    #5 Persist with the above. It takes 30 days to acquire a new habit, so stick with these actions. Review these techniques each day, for a month, and watch your life change!

    Spring-Cleaning: It All Begins with You

    As finding and attracting your soulmate into your life may require some soul-searching, you may benefit from guidance and encouragement from a RCI coach.

    To attract your soulmate, you must create space for them in your soul and your life. Get the metaphysical "shears" out and "prune" those limiting beliefs. Your results reflect your beliefs. Toss out negative limiting beliefs, create a new space, practice your affirming beliefs, persevere and notice your new results!

    Copyright © 2009 by Rick and Jo Harrison. All rights reserved in all media.

    Rick and Jo Harrison
    Rick and Jo Harrison both made classic relationship mistakes before choosing each other as soulmates. They are both Licensed Coaches with RCI and live in Australia. They dovetail their own experiences and their training with Relationship Coaching Institute to empower singles to attract their soulmate. www.SecretsToSoulmateSuccess.com | +61.3.5420.7366


    Bonus Article:
    The Ten Principles of Conscious Dating

    Relationship Coaching Institute | David Steele, Founder


    #1 Know who you are and what you want and need

    What we know about ourselves is only the tip of the iceberg, and what lies below the surface is what we aren't aware of. And, that is the information we need to discover in order to be fulfilled and happy.

    #2 Learn how to get what you want

    Assess and acquire the information, tools, and skills you will need to become more conscious. Develop creative strategies and action plans. When you fail to plan, you plan to fail.

    #3 Be the "chooser"

    Take initiative and responsibility for the outcomes. Don't react to what, or who, chooses you. Seek to create what you want in your life by taking control and becoming empowered.

    #4 Balance your heart with you head

    Make your relationship choices consciously. It's still exciting and is a whole lot safer!

    #5 Be ready and available for commitment

    Live your life and bring your dating strategy into alignment with how ready you really are for a committed relationship.

    #6 Use the Law of Attraction

    Be the partner that you are seeking. Live your life authentically and consciously, knowing the more you express who are really are, the easier it will be to attract a partner who will love you because of who you are, instead of in spite of it.

    #7 Gain relationship knowledge and skills

    Prepare for the love of your life by learning about relationships, improving your relationship skills, and deepening your relationships with your family, friends, and colleagues. Date for fun and practice. Take more emotional risks. Read about relationships. Get relationship coaching. Take relationship classes and workshops.

    #8 Create a support community

    Isolated singles become lonely in their relationships when they focus on a partner to meet all of their social and emotional needs. Build a social network that will meet your needs.

    #9 Practice assertiveness

    To get what you really want, you need to say "no" to what you don't want.

    #10 Be a successful single

    Don't put your life on hold waiting for a relationship to happen. Live your life vision and purpose while you are single. The best way to find and attract your life partner is to be a happy, successful single person living the life that you really want.

    Copyright © 2009 by Relationship Coaching Institute. All rights reserved. Reproduction of this material in part of in whole is prohibited except for licensed users.

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    Tara Kachaturoff | Editor, Conscious Dating Newsletter for Singles Tara@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com
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