This newsletter is
designed especially for YOU
if you are single and ready to
"Find the Love of Your Life
AND the Life That You Love!"
Conscious Dating Success Story
of the Year
the one year anniversary of the publication of Conscious
Dating: Finding the Love of your Life in Today's World
on February 14, 2007 (Valentine's Day) we'll announce the results of
our first annual-
Dating Success Story of the Year Contest
awarding an iPod loaded with 20 of our best Conscious Relationship
Audio Programs ($369.00 value) to-
Best male success story
- Best female success story
- Referrer of best male success story
- Referrer of best female success story
means that if you know someone who could benefit from reading Conscious
Dating, or someone who has read it and has a great success story, YOU
can also get an iPod by referring them!
will be judged by the staff of Relationship Coaching Institute. To be
eligible entrants must certify that they have read the Conscious Dating
book. Current and past members and staff of Relationship Coaching
Institute are not eligible to enter this contest. All submissions
become property of Relationship Coaching Institute and by entering this
contest entrants grant us permission to publish their story online and
Do you have a success story to share?
Go immediately to www.consciousdating.com/contest.htm
Know anyone with a success story to share? Please
forward this announcement to them!
Know a single who hasn't read Conscious Dating and is a success story
in the making? With 6
months to go there is plenty of time to learn and apply the principles
of Conscious Dating. Please send them to www.consciousdating.com
the contest begin!
Is This a Red Flag?
This is really bothering me. It’s as if he’s trying
to “behave” himself. I’ve talked to him
about this. He says I’m overreacting, that it’s
This column answers
questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to Tara@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com.
She will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue,
we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.
for August: Is
This a Red Flag?
started dating a guy about 2 months ago. I’m 32 and
he’s 37. I haven’t dated for about a year
– since my last breakup. John, the man I’m dating,
broke up with his girlfriend about a year ago. Or did he? I’m
beginning to wonder. We have some friends in common so we do end up
attending events or parties where we see his ex-girlfriend.
with someone and sometimes she’s alone. Whenever she
approaches us, he seems to distance himself from me –
physically and emotionally. If he has his arm around me,
he’ll put his arm down. If he’s holding my hand,
he’ll let it go in front of her. Then I notice the
conversation starts to shift to be “all about her.”
This is really bothering
me. It’s as if he’s trying to
“behave” himself. I’ve talked to him
about this. He says I’m overreacting, that it’s
nothing, and that he doesn’t recall doing these things.
Sometimes he makes excuses such as, “Well, I needed to shake
her hand,” or “I just wanted to take a drink and
how could I do that without picking up the glass?”
He doesn’t want
to show affection towards me in front of her. Is this a red flag?
Should I move on? I’m tired of this and I’m
certainly don’t believe his excuses. What do you think?
from Dallas, TX
No, I really
don’t see this as a “red flag”;
it’s just an example of a man who is not over his
ex-girlfriend. It doesn’t sound like he’s trying to
hide something from you, but rather he’s just unaware of his
feelings and actions. You, on the other hand, are very clear. His whole
demeanor changes when she’s around. It appears to me that
it’s important to you to have a
“conscious” relationship. My question is how
conscious is he and what is he looking for in a partnership?
Bethany, you have several
choices. First, you can just ignore this and accept that he’s
with you now and perhaps, over time, his feelings for his ex will
dissipate. Second, you can tell him he needs coaching or counseling
because clearly he’s not over her and that you
don’t want to see anyone who’s still infatuated
with someone else. Third, the two of you can go to coaching or
counseling, together, to work through this issue. If he can’t
step up and admit his feelings, if he continues to stay in denial, you
won’t get very far.
You deserve to be number
one in your man’s life. I think the choice you make will
depend on how much you like this man. Is he fantastic and worth
“fighting or waiting” for? Only you can decide
that. Good luck.
Rubenstein, JD, CPC
Although a red flag is an indicator, we must not just see it waving in
front of us and immediately avoid the water. Instead, we need to look
at the water first. Then we need to decide if things can be or should
be worked on. Your question is well stated. You say you’re
fed up with the sudden change in the social temperature and that you do
not believe his answers. I would say you are right.
Believe yourself, your
senses and your good sense. Although you have waited a year before
dating after your last serious relationship, I hope you will not wait
before jumping in again, with your eyes wide open, as they are now.
Good luck to you.
You’re just two
months into a relationship—when supposedly everything is
still new and wonderful. He’s distancing himself from you
when around his old girlfriend. I’m afraid this scenario
doesn’t bode well for your future.
less concerned about John’s possible feelings for his former
girlfriend and more concerned about the fact he won’t discuss
this with you. In a healthy, mature relationship, each partner is
passionate about the comfort and well-being of the other, and your
boyfriend is not displaying that concern. You deserve a partner who
will hear you when you’re in pain and who will talk through
the issues with you, until you both feel heard and understood.
I suggest you use this as
an opportunity to take a break from dating to get some clarity around
your own requirements, needs, and wants. Find a good relationship coach
who will help you do this powerful exploration, and who will help you
use the laws of attraction to attract to you the partner you deserve.
Best to you!
Rohr. MA | Your Personal Love Coach
you know you can take the Relationship
Readiness Quiz at www.consciousdating.org?
Simply sign up for a free membership to enjoy the quiz as well as other
resources developed by RCI Founder and CEO, David Steele.
Alexandra Kachaturoff | Editor
Dating Red Flags #1-#8
by RCI Coaches
Red Flag #1: I
Don’t Want to get Married (again)
Some single people say
they don’t want to get married. I believe they have not met
the right person yet. If you’re dating someone who says he or
she doesn’t want to get married, listen closely. They might
be telling you that you’re not the one for them.
Don’t ignore it, or think you can change them.
If you’re in
love with someone who doesn’t want to be married, you could
be wasting your time and causing yourself unnecessary heartache. If
you’re happy just dating this person, then by all means, stay
where you are. If you want more out of the relationship than he or she
is able to give, it’s time to consider moving on. This way
you’ll be available when you meet the right person who
can’t live without you.
Red Flag #2:
Touching is a way of
getting closer and more intimate with another person, and it will come
as dating progresses. However, if you’re on a date with
someone who touches you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable,
then tell him or her immediately. When it comes to your personal space,
people need to be invited in. If they’re not invited, they
need to leave. It's that simple. Someone who would touch you in such a
manner, after you have asked them not to, should not be trusted. They
are showing a lack of respect for you and are displaying behaviors that
you should avoid. If they respect you and don’t touch you
inappropriately again, he or she might have misread your signals, and
perhaps, he or she deserves another chance. In any case, proceed with
Red Flag #3:
I like to call this red
flag "just add water intimacy." We live in a culture that has little
tolerance for delayed gratification, and unfortunately, it’s
no different in the dating community. It’s easy for singles
to get into the "urge to merge" mode and speak before they think.
conversations that include intimate details with previous lovers,
financial and emotional challenges, and a laundry list of what one is
looking for in a relationship seldom sets the tone for getting to know
the other person. One may think this behavior promotes intimacy, but
instead it’s more like pseudo-intimacy, where you actually
believe you know the person after an hour of conversation.
How would you initiate a
conversation with a new friend? Take the time to get to know someone
just as you would with anyone with whom you would like to develop a
friendship. Ask about their interests, their work, and their life
experiences. Be curious about their goals and dreams. After all,
aren’t romantic relationships really the ultimate friendship?
Red Flag #4: Virtual
Relationship in Progress
extraordinary opportunities for global communication. Unfortunately, it
also fosters illusions in the dating world. Constant contact via cell
phone, e-mail or text messaging does not make a dating relationship
You miss the rich nuances
of non-verbal communication. You think you’re getting closer,
but in fact, this limited contact often fosters fantasy and
disappointment if and when you do meet. One of the telltale signs of
“terminal singlehood” is prospective couples who
only communicate via the internet, or engage in long, drawn out phone
conversations, but are reluctant to spend much in-person time with each
Keep phone conversations
to a maximum of 30 minutes, combined with one or maybe two rounds of
e-mails. If you’re not sure whether to meet the person after
the initial “virtual contact,” the chances are you
won’t end up meeting him or her. If your date insists on
staying in “virtual dating” mode, my advice would
be to move on. Next!
Red Flag #5: Words
and Behavior Aren’t Aligned
There are two ways to
consider this red flag. First, humans are inconsistent and incongruent
people. We say we want to lose weight and then we eat like crazy. In
certain situations, some disconnect between words and actions is to be
expected. At the same time, one of the ways we learn to trust someone
is by looking at someone’s track record – that this
person does what he or she says they are going to do, and with very few
The important things to
notice are their patterns over time. Does this person say one thing and
do another? Does he or she make promises and then break them? Does this
individual always place the blame for not coming through on someone or
All of these things can
be warning signs of a problem. Here’s the bottom line: If you
have to choose between believing the words and believing the behavior,
go with the behavior every time.
Herring, MS, LMFT
Red Flag #6: Says I
Love You Too Soon
In my opinion, saying,
“I love you” too soon in a relationship usually
indicates one of two things. One possibility is that the words are
being used to get something else, usually sex. The other possibility is
that the words do not reflect the depth of meaning you think they do.
I tend to apply the four
seasons approach to saying “I love you.” You need
to know someone for at least four seasons (one year) before you can
genuinely know someone well enough to say, “I love
It’s so easy to
get caught up in the wonderful feelings of a new relationship and
mistake those feelings for love. While that isn’t the most
romantic answer, I believe it’s the most realistic one.
Saying “I love you” is a function of time, and it
takes time to be able to say it and mean it.
Herring, MS, LMFT
Red Flag #7: Jealous
of Your Family and Friends
Jealousy is a major red
flag. Your family and friends are a large part of who you are; they
bring richness, variety, and support to you. I can’t see any
way to win if your partner wants you to cut them out of your life.
It’s true that your partner must come first, but a
relationship that has no room for others—or only room for
your partner’s others—leaves you isolated and
I once had a friend
whose new husband insisted that she limit her contact with her parents.
Ultimately, she was driven to sneaking around and calling them from
work. Not only did this place a huge burden on her, but it also
established a lack of honesty between the two of
them—definitely not an ideal foundation for a lasting
A relationship that is
not, at its heart, based on total honesty, openness, and support cannot
survive. Even more so, it’s typical behavior for an abuser to
isolate his or her spouse from their support system. If you see this
red flag in your partner, run like crazy!
Rohr. MA | Your Personal Love Coach
Red Flag #8:
Your partner might be
addicted to drugs, alcohol, sex—or anything else. If your
partner is addicted, he or she cares more about the addiction than
about you. Living with an addicted partner is like living in a
threesome: you, your partner, and the addiction, which, itself, takes
on a life of its own.
In this threesome, you
can never win. The addiction is always more seductive and more powerful
than you or your partner. You’ll only have the leftovers. It
is damaging and painful for you to come in as a distant third.
You deserve a partner who
is whole, healthy, and able to give whole-heartedly to you and your
relationship. Before committing to a partner, be sure that he or she is
more in love with you than with something else.
Rohr. MA | Your Personal Love Coach
Dating Red Flags- So What?
by Tara Kachaturoff
We might not agree on a
specific definition for a dating red flag; but we can agree, in
general, they’re not a good thing.
Dating red flags are
behaviors you observe or experience in someone you're currently dating,
which may cause you mental emotional or physical harm.
conducive to creating a long-term, happy, and sustainable relationship.
These behaviors are often ignored by men and women who are eager to
engage in a relationship, even when they may bring harm to themselves,
and possibly, to others. The “others” include their
family of origin, relatives, their own children, friends, and even
some reason some singles never seem to see them.
While the red flags are big, impressive, oppressive, and waving in all
their glory, they're still ignored. If you’re fortunate to
have concerned and conscious family members and friends, maybe
they’ll point out what they see. Maybe you’ll
listen to them and take appropriate action. If this isn’t the
case, learn as much about them through reading books, articles, and
even consulting with a relationship coach or counselor. Talk to
you’re your friends and family; actively seek out their
need to know about dating red flags for many reasons.
In most cases, singles have summarily ignored them and the results
haven’t been pleasant. Once you’ve started to make
emotional ties to someone, it’s easier to ignore his or her
inappropriate behavior. While red flags certainly aren’t the
cause or blame for every disappointment, when they’re
ignored, they tend to create very difficult circumstances.
It’s so much easier to see the early signs and move on before
becoming too involved.
flag behaviors are a poor foundation for a happy relationship.
Life is filled with challenges. It can be hard enough to manage daily
life when you're on your own, but add another person to the mix and you
better have a solid foundation in place. Trying to build an enjoyable,
meaningful and sustainable relationship with someone who demonstrates
poor behavior is like trying to build a home, on stilts, in quicksand.
flags can be dangerous. By
definition, red flags can be damaging or even dangerous to your mental,
emotional, or physical well-being. You are precious. Your life is
precious. You deserve better. You do not need to accept or tolerate red
flag behavior in your life.
flags can prove harmful to your family and friends. Your
actions impact others. It's no different with red flag behaviors.
Inappropriate or dangerous behavior can potentially spill over and
affect your family, children, and friends with unintended consequences.
It's important that you understand that everything you do impacts
others in some way.
flags waste your time – your life time.
You’re given two things in life -- time and choice. What you
do with these two critical resources is up to you. Spending time in
situations that aren’t enjoyable is a waste of your life's
most precious assets.
red flags don't get better and they won’t go away, even if
there’s one, there are typically others. Red flags
don’t miraculously cure themselves or go away even if you do
recognize them and try to discuss them with the offending partner. In
fact, in some cases they can become worse because now the behavior has
an acknowledging audience! That upon which you focus your attention,
grows stronger. Don’t waste your time trying to fix someone.
Steer clear. It’s not your job, it won’t work, and
I can assure you he or she won’t want it. Lasting change
comes from the inside, and not necessarily through any outside
flags poison your view of life and people; they can make it impossible
to enjoy anything. The
longer you’re around the poor behavior, the more likely
you'll tolerate it, accept it, and in some cases, adopt it! What would
have been shocking and unbelievable in the beginning of a relationship
might end up being “in the daily course of life” a
year later if you haven’t wised up and moved on by then.
awareness of red flags empowers you.
Learning about red flags and the strategies to avoid them will not only
give you the knowledge to identify them, but also the power to do
something about them -- namely to move on to find a happier, healthier
relationship. Knowledge is power. It will help you to make better
decisions for your life and for your life happiness.
You may have ignored red
flags in the past. Maybe you didn’t have the courage to deal
with them head on. You can change. Once you know more about some of the
signs, you can identify them more quickly and move on to a better
situation. Remember, your time is valuable; spend it wisely, and with
the right people. Life is short. Make every minute count!
Copyright © 2006
by Tara Kachaturoff. All rights reserved. Excerpted from Dating Red
Flags: What You Need to Know
Tara Kachaturoff | www.relationshipplanning.com
Reading for Singles
I'm So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single?
by Susan Page
Recommended by Brenda StrauszBrenda
This is an encouraging
book, one that has practical and wise advice on how to follow through
with your goal of finding the right person with whom you'd like to be
in a relationship.
Communication: A Language of Life: Create Your Life, Your
Relationships, and Your World in Harmony with Your Values
by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.
Recommended by Ralph Thomas
This easy-to-read book
offers a powerful and practical approach for communicating that
enriches your life while it improves the way you connect with others.
Points with the Woman in Your Life One Touchdown at a Time
by Jaci Rae
Recommended by Brenda
Fun and humorous
football-themed book geared towards men who are looking to better their
relationships with the woman in their life - includes relationship tips
from prized NFL Players as well as personal stories about their lives.
Truth About Love: The
Highs, the Lows, and How You Can Make it Last Forever
by Pat Love
Recommended by Linda
Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life in Today's World
by David Steele
Recommended by Tara
Learn how to take a
proactive role in finding your ideal life partner and create the life
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